- #1
ColtonCM
- 33
- 2
Apologies for the long read.
I just graduated with a degree in biochemistry from the University of Denver. I started off as a biology major because I naively assumed there would be less math. Lo and behold, the calculus sequence was required. Till this day, I still haven't had beyond Algebra II, and that was way back in like junior year of high school. No trigonometry, no precalculus, nothing. Somehow I managed to get my degree in biochemistry and pass the Calculus sequence.
Well, in high school, science fiction and astronomy really motivated me to pursue science, along with a very talented and dedicated teacher who pushed me in that direction, away from a history/economics major. Astronomy and science fiction were always what motivated me to study, but biochemistry/biology itself never really sparked that fire. Finally, one day when I was struggling through Calculus, I realized, "Why the hell, if I need math for this degree, didn't I just do a degree in physics so I could go into astronomy?"
From that day, I vowed to switch to astronomy. I was mildly successful. I did a small astronomy research project at DU despite being a biochemistry major, I was accepted into a really sweet astronomy internship this past summer where I did some really good research, and I was also accepted into a Masters program at San Diego State University for Astronomy.
So what went wrong?
Undergraduate sucked for me. All I remember from freshmen year was the breakup with my "first love" so to speak, and we all know how that goes. Sophomore year was recovery. Junior year was the best, because I studied abroad in Japan and didn't have any responsibilities. Senior year, my second super serious relationship with a girl I met in Japan ended at the beginning of the year and derailed the whole thing.
Bear in mind the fact I never had a science/math education in high school, so I had ridiculous impostor syndrome in every science course I ever took at DU. I felt consistently behind my peers and unintelligent. Being a quarter school, having 4 classes and sometimes 2-3 labs to go with them felt like the never ending barrage of exams, deadlines, project due dates, etc, was just too overwhelming. I didn't like the student base at DU (most affluent white people, I'm half white and come from a poor background, and no I'm not overtly-SJW, but you'd have to go to DU to understand what I'm talking about). I would have liked to have good study habits but I also had to work to put myself through school and I still ended up 45k in student loan debt, and that was with having about 85% of the tuition covered in scholarships (I made a bad choice going to DU without a full-ride, and I own up to that).
So, basically my mind has suffered severe damage these past four years. Its mostly stress related. I've had this officially diagnosed by a professional. Basically, my major symptoms are what you would expect with your typical overly-stressed/depressed person. I can't concentrate easily, I don't enjoy things I used to enjoy, learning new things is extremely difficult, if not impossible.
I moved to San Diego and realized I couldn't simultaneously do graduate school and financially support myself (because I applied to an astronomy program from a biochemistry degree, they didn't offer me a TA position, so I had to pay tuition, find housing, all that on my own). I went to the first three days of class, and just those days (the "syllabus" days) were enough to know that I would fail in these upper level physics/math courses. I was lapsing back into my old mindset of being an "impostor" and not belonging.
So I dropped out. I wanted to set up just a year long leave of absence but you can only do that if you complete at least one semester. I was running out of savings and needed my tuition, and I just knew that my mind wasn't ready to succeed in graduate school at the present moment. Right now I'm a full-time Uber/Lyft driver, which is honestly pretty sweet because I'm making my own hours and getting paid pretty well for mentally-easy work. Its exactly what I need for the next year to give my mind a rest and recover from stress.
There's one thing that's really hard for me to get out of my head though.
My struggle with science and mathematics has been ceaseless. I'm not a lazy student making excuses, I tried hard. Yeah, the stress really hurt my ability to learn science and mathematics, and I'm definitely sure that when I feel more positive and relaxed, I'll learn these things better (my current plan is to independently study for grad school on my own, maybe take some physics/math courses at cheaper colleges to beef me up for grad school when I return).
However, I've done a lot of reading on spatial ability and its connection to being successful in STEM fields. I've taken several spatial ability tests, many of them set up by researchers at institutions to study these things. I've done terribly in all of them. I can't rotate images in my head clearly, I can't tell which "cube" out of a set of four "cubes" is impossible given an unfolded "cube" with patterns on its sides, etc.
When I was in organic chemistry, stereochemistry frustrated me to no end. Without a ball and stick kit, I was useless at telling if things were enantiomers or diastereomers, etc. Yeah sure when the enantiomers were shown as mirror reflections its easy, but if you rotate that enantiomer I literally have to spend ten minutes figuring out that its an enantiomer.
Part of my frustration also came from the exam system. I know exams are necessary because how else are we going to move so many people through the system? At the same time I knew I could learn these things if I was just given the proper resources and time, like a ball and stick kit. I'd get frustrated because I'd miss that question on a 50 minute exam with 20 questions but I knew the definitions of those terms and how to figure out what they were, given the time and resources to do so. So I felt that truly isn't fair, and my grades reflect that.
Back to the point, I have no spatial ability. I'm not really even good at forming images in my head. I can picture things... people, places, etc. I can "hear" sounds in my head, like voices of people I know. But I wouldn't say I'm "good" at these things. When I close my eyes and picture an image, the picture itself is as if I caught it at the end of a "fade out." Its gone as soon as I see it... and if I keep picturing it, the same thing occurs... as if this picture is in my head with a really bad frame right, like 1 frame per second or worse, and the image always manifests in mid "fade out" so its never vivid and clear.
So yeah, in terms of spatial ability and mental imaging, I'm garbage. And I wonder if this means I will ever succeed in astronomy. I can make plots and learn things, but without these basic mental faculties will I ever have the mental intuition to be a successful researcher?
Is there anyone out there who is like me, and who struggles with these things, and yet has been successful in science?
Is there any other advice you can offer someone like me who is currently in a limbo after having dropped out of graduate school? I'm not a lazy person, and now I'm questioning if graduate school really is for me... if astronomy really is for me. I have other hobbies... I dance and I like video games and reading and movies... I like a lot, and I feel like the academia route is going to burn me out worse than undergrad, and I don't want that to happen. I can't give up my hobbies, I need them to keep me happy. At the same time I would like a Masters or PhD for the added security those degrees provide. A PhD in physics can land you some pretty sweet jobs outside of academia. And I do genuinely want to make a contribution, however small, to science, during my life here on Earth. But I'm also now considering a career/life outside of science/academia, but perhaps related to science. Something that more directly benefits humans alive right now.
Thanks,
Colton
I just graduated with a degree in biochemistry from the University of Denver. I started off as a biology major because I naively assumed there would be less math. Lo and behold, the calculus sequence was required. Till this day, I still haven't had beyond Algebra II, and that was way back in like junior year of high school. No trigonometry, no precalculus, nothing. Somehow I managed to get my degree in biochemistry and pass the Calculus sequence.
Well, in high school, science fiction and astronomy really motivated me to pursue science, along with a very talented and dedicated teacher who pushed me in that direction, away from a history/economics major. Astronomy and science fiction were always what motivated me to study, but biochemistry/biology itself never really sparked that fire. Finally, one day when I was struggling through Calculus, I realized, "Why the hell, if I need math for this degree, didn't I just do a degree in physics so I could go into astronomy?"
From that day, I vowed to switch to astronomy. I was mildly successful. I did a small astronomy research project at DU despite being a biochemistry major, I was accepted into a really sweet astronomy internship this past summer where I did some really good research, and I was also accepted into a Masters program at San Diego State University for Astronomy.
So what went wrong?
Undergraduate sucked for me. All I remember from freshmen year was the breakup with my "first love" so to speak, and we all know how that goes. Sophomore year was recovery. Junior year was the best, because I studied abroad in Japan and didn't have any responsibilities. Senior year, my second super serious relationship with a girl I met in Japan ended at the beginning of the year and derailed the whole thing.
Bear in mind the fact I never had a science/math education in high school, so I had ridiculous impostor syndrome in every science course I ever took at DU. I felt consistently behind my peers and unintelligent. Being a quarter school, having 4 classes and sometimes 2-3 labs to go with them felt like the never ending barrage of exams, deadlines, project due dates, etc, was just too overwhelming. I didn't like the student base at DU (most affluent white people, I'm half white and come from a poor background, and no I'm not overtly-SJW, but you'd have to go to DU to understand what I'm talking about). I would have liked to have good study habits but I also had to work to put myself through school and I still ended up 45k in student loan debt, and that was with having about 85% of the tuition covered in scholarships (I made a bad choice going to DU without a full-ride, and I own up to that).
So, basically my mind has suffered severe damage these past four years. Its mostly stress related. I've had this officially diagnosed by a professional. Basically, my major symptoms are what you would expect with your typical overly-stressed/depressed person. I can't concentrate easily, I don't enjoy things I used to enjoy, learning new things is extremely difficult, if not impossible.
I moved to San Diego and realized I couldn't simultaneously do graduate school and financially support myself (because I applied to an astronomy program from a biochemistry degree, they didn't offer me a TA position, so I had to pay tuition, find housing, all that on my own). I went to the first three days of class, and just those days (the "syllabus" days) were enough to know that I would fail in these upper level physics/math courses. I was lapsing back into my old mindset of being an "impostor" and not belonging.
So I dropped out. I wanted to set up just a year long leave of absence but you can only do that if you complete at least one semester. I was running out of savings and needed my tuition, and I just knew that my mind wasn't ready to succeed in graduate school at the present moment. Right now I'm a full-time Uber/Lyft driver, which is honestly pretty sweet because I'm making my own hours and getting paid pretty well for mentally-easy work. Its exactly what I need for the next year to give my mind a rest and recover from stress.
There's one thing that's really hard for me to get out of my head though.
My struggle with science and mathematics has been ceaseless. I'm not a lazy student making excuses, I tried hard. Yeah, the stress really hurt my ability to learn science and mathematics, and I'm definitely sure that when I feel more positive and relaxed, I'll learn these things better (my current plan is to independently study for grad school on my own, maybe take some physics/math courses at cheaper colleges to beef me up for grad school when I return).
However, I've done a lot of reading on spatial ability and its connection to being successful in STEM fields. I've taken several spatial ability tests, many of them set up by researchers at institutions to study these things. I've done terribly in all of them. I can't rotate images in my head clearly, I can't tell which "cube" out of a set of four "cubes" is impossible given an unfolded "cube" with patterns on its sides, etc.
When I was in organic chemistry, stereochemistry frustrated me to no end. Without a ball and stick kit, I was useless at telling if things were enantiomers or diastereomers, etc. Yeah sure when the enantiomers were shown as mirror reflections its easy, but if you rotate that enantiomer I literally have to spend ten minutes figuring out that its an enantiomer.
Part of my frustration also came from the exam system. I know exams are necessary because how else are we going to move so many people through the system? At the same time I knew I could learn these things if I was just given the proper resources and time, like a ball and stick kit. I'd get frustrated because I'd miss that question on a 50 minute exam with 20 questions but I knew the definitions of those terms and how to figure out what they were, given the time and resources to do so. So I felt that truly isn't fair, and my grades reflect that.
Back to the point, I have no spatial ability. I'm not really even good at forming images in my head. I can picture things... people, places, etc. I can "hear" sounds in my head, like voices of people I know. But I wouldn't say I'm "good" at these things. When I close my eyes and picture an image, the picture itself is as if I caught it at the end of a "fade out." Its gone as soon as I see it... and if I keep picturing it, the same thing occurs... as if this picture is in my head with a really bad frame right, like 1 frame per second or worse, and the image always manifests in mid "fade out" so its never vivid and clear.
So yeah, in terms of spatial ability and mental imaging, I'm garbage. And I wonder if this means I will ever succeed in astronomy. I can make plots and learn things, but without these basic mental faculties will I ever have the mental intuition to be a successful researcher?
Is there anyone out there who is like me, and who struggles with these things, and yet has been successful in science?
Is there any other advice you can offer someone like me who is currently in a limbo after having dropped out of graduate school? I'm not a lazy person, and now I'm questioning if graduate school really is for me... if astronomy really is for me. I have other hobbies... I dance and I like video games and reading and movies... I like a lot, and I feel like the academia route is going to burn me out worse than undergrad, and I don't want that to happen. I can't give up my hobbies, I need them to keep me happy. At the same time I would like a Masters or PhD for the added security those degrees provide. A PhD in physics can land you some pretty sweet jobs outside of academia. And I do genuinely want to make a contribution, however small, to science, during my life here on Earth. But I'm also now considering a career/life outside of science/academia, but perhaps related to science. Something that more directly benefits humans alive right now.
Thanks,
Colton