New Year's Resolution: Make Friends in Real Life

[Math Is Hard]

My new years resolution is to try to make some friends in real life. I have signed up for that meetup.com site and I'm trying to figure it out. There were 3 groups I was interested in - one has already broken up, another costs $300/year in membership fees, and the other is a walking group which might might be just for seniors. Anyone else had good luck with that?

The older I get, the more friends I lose, and the harder it is to make new ones. I'm in my early 40s now. My friends have gotten married, had kids, moved away. I have only one friend I do things with but she lives almost an hour away and is busy with her kiddo a lot.

I'm not really sure what other things I can do to make friends. I'd like to find some people to go out to restaurants with, hang out and plays cards with, maybe go see some live music.

 

[rewebster]

I thought you were married

 

[Math Is Hard]

No, I live alone with a cat. It's pretty pathetic.

 

[rewebster]

Ok---I was absent for about a year---I kind of remember something about a 'boyfriend' back then with you-----meltdown?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Get married. Have children. Voila! People to spend time with.

Or get more cats. ;-)

I dunno. I've pretty much lost all my friends to various issues. Because of my schedule I am rarely ever able to get together to do anything with anyone so no one ever calls me and I spend almost all of my time at work or at home alone. I don't even have a cat.

So it could be worse.

 

[rewebster]

Get married. Have children. Voila! People to spend time with.

Or get more cats. ;-)

I dunno. I've pretty much lost all my friends to various issues. Because of my schedule I am rarely ever able to get together to do anything with anyone so no one ever calls me and I spend almost all of my time at work or at home alone. I don't even have a cat.

So it could be worse.

I'll give you MIH's phone number---





-uh, wait, I don't have it, sorry

 

[Borek]

I can tell you where I have found a group of interesting people in my area - while you don't live exactly close that may give you some idea.

I am a little bit interested in history of Warsaw, and I have googled a forum of similar addicts. It occurred they organize a walk each month in different parts of the city - no fee, no nothing, come with us if you are interested, don't expect to be told stories about the city, but you are invited to share whatever you know about the places we are passing by. When we can't walk any longer we stop to drink beer and call our wifes to get us back home... Well, this final part may not work for you.

 

[rootX]

My new years resolution is to try to make some friends in real life. I have signed up for that meetup.com site and I'm trying to figure it out. There were 3 groups I was interested in - one has already broken up, another costs $300/year in membership fees, and the other is a walking group which might might be just for seniors. Anyone else had good luck with that?

The older I get, the more friends I lose, and the harder it is to make new ones. I'm in my early 40s now. My friends have gotten married, had kids, moved away. I have only one friend I do things with but she lives almost an hour away and is busy with her kiddo a lot.

I'm not really sure what other things I can do to make friends. I'd like to find some people to go out to restaurants with, hang out and plays cards with, maybe go see some live music.

You are in early 40s?

 

[lisab]

I thought I was the only one with this issue!

I tend to make friends easily, but then things happen to them. They get transferred, their husband gets transferred, they go to work for Microsoft and are never heard from again...one friend became sick with something that causes seizures and can't drive, and her husband keeps her sequestered .

So I've sort of given up.

Not that that's a good solution, mind you .

But I've started a few things lately: volunteering at the zoo, taking martial arts, taking a physics class (OK, that's not the best place to meet female friends, haha). So, at least I'm busy.

I get the impression, MiH, that most women in our age group are too busy with family and career to socialize much.

 

[Andre]

My new years resolution is to try to make some friends in real life.

I thought I was the only one with this issue!

Maybe it helps if one of you should move to Washington state or perhaps one of you should move to California?

 

[GeorginaS]

No, I live alone with a cat. It's pretty pathetic.

I thought I was the only one with this issue!

Same club. But I'm five years out of a fourteen year live-in relationship. I'm good with it all being about the cat and me. I have decent people who I work with to do basic "stuff" with, but mostly I'm fine by myself. Most people just wind up bugging me anyway.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Maybe it helps if one of you should move to Washington state or perhaps one of you should move to California?

If Lisa moves to California then there will be three of us! Though I would not necessarily wish that on her.

 

[turbo]

My New Year's resolution was not to make a New Year's resolution. (FAIL!)

Kidding aside, have you considered doing some volunteer work? You might meet some nice altruistic people that way that could turn into friends. My friend's mother volunteered a LOT when she retired, and when she died, her memorial service was packed! She had a lot of friends that many of us knew nothing about. She had a lot of causes, but one big one was teaching English to adults as a second language, and helping immigrants navigate through the naturalization process so they could become US citizens.

She was a pharmacist and had been raised as a Quaker (no alcohol, no caffeine for her) and was incredibly tolerant of others. Her son and I were hell-raisers, but as long as we were ethical and decent to others, she never said a word when we acted up (where did you get that massive string of loud firecrackers?). She attended Unitarian services in a town about 50 miles away, and made a lot of contacts there.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Maybe I can come visit you, Lisa, and you could show me the zoo. Or we could go visit Poland! People seem friendly there. Or maybe we'll both be all wrapped up in graduate studies soon and too busy to even think about doing anything else, so it won't matter.

TSA is right. I need more cats.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Ok---I was absent for about a year---I kind of remember something about a 'boyfriend' back then with you-----meltdown?

I broke up with him quite a while ago.

Same club. But I'm five years out of a fourteen year live-in relationship. I'm good with it all being about the cat and me. I have decent people who I work with to do basic "stuff" with, but mostly I'm fine by myself. Most people just wind up bugging me anyway.

Basic "stuff" sounds good. I would like someone to go to the mall with. That would be wonderful.

I went on vacation by myself last summer. I couldn't find anyone I knew who had time to get away. But when I got to my destination, there were thousands and thousands of people on vacation who did find time to get away. Where are all these fun-loving people? I had a good time, but it would have been more fun to have a buddy along.

 

[Math Is Hard]

My New Year's resolution was not to make a New Year's resolution. (FAIL!)

Kidding aside, have you considered doing some volunteer work? You might meet some nice altruistic people that way that could turn into friends. My friend's mother volunteered a LOT when she retired, and when she died, her memorial service was packed! She had a lot of friends that many of us knew nothing about. She had a lot of causes, but one big one was teaching English to adults as a second language, and helping immigrants navigate through the naturalization process so they could become US citizens.

She was a pharmacist and had been raised as a Quaker (no alcohol, no caffeine for her) and was incredibly tolerant of others. Her son and I were hell-raisers, but as long as we were ethical and decent to others, she never said a word when we acted up (where did you get that massive string of loud firecrackers?). She attended Unitarian services in a town about 50 miles away, and made a lot of contacts there.

I used to volunteer. I worked at an animal shelter. I met several other lonely old cat ladies who weren't really keen on going out.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Most people just wind up bugging me anyway.

That's where Tsu and I have landed as well. We used to have very active social lives, both with and without each other, but over time solitude became more and more appealing. I guess it's partly a function of age... We both have physical limitations [nothing serious - bad knees, back problems, repetitive motion issues - but limiting nonetheless] that prevent many activities that we might enjoy, and that tends to isolate us further. But in large part I think this gets back to having kids, or not. As the kids are growing, many people are consumed with school, sports, PTA, and whatever else they do. It was interesting to watch the cycle of friends dropping off the radar for most of 18 years, and then emerge again as the kids leave home. It was also true that during that time, old friends and I had often gone different directions. It was a bit sad to see that one of my oldest and closest friends fell prey to the dark side - conspiracy theories, crackpot science claims, radical skinheadlike religious views, and all with a strong dose of racism and alcoholism. Adios amigo! It was esp sad because he was once an aspiring electrical engineer. But, he joined the military, had kids, and that was that. He never pursued his academic interests.

I have often watched people from my parent's generation with everything from condescension, when I was young, to fascination as I grew older: They are masters of superficial relationships. I have come to understand that it's a skill to have "friends" kept at arm's length. To me, this is an alien concept. I have always tended to have a few very close friends, and very few "acquaintances" with which I would spend time. I was never interested in spending time with anyone but "real" friends. But as one gets older, I think this skill of light socializing becomes more useful. As we get older and set in our ways, if one wishes to have an active social life, keep it light.

Personally, I'm still not interested. I have Tsu, a few friends, my cats, and my online life, and that's enough for me. It gets lonely at times but I cherish my solitude. I love my work and many varied pursuits and tend to be focused on those things. I also finally had to admit to myself that most people bore me.

 

[turbo]

Like you, Ivan, I used to be quite active socially, until medical problems with fragrances quashed that. Running open-mike jams for a tavern was fun. I got to meet all kinds of kids from the jazz programs at local colleges, and a mix of pros and semi-pros and amateurs, many of whom I had known for almost 40 years. Between the musicians, the fans, and incidental patrons, there was a lot of fun. Not enough fun to justify ER visits though, and days of sickness. It was very sad to give that up.

 

[Borek]

Or we could go visit Poland! People seem friendly there.

Friendly - 100%. English speaking - 50%.

But I suppose this statistics is somewhat skewed, we are not exactly typical.

Edit: and from what I read many of us ride the same wagon...

To ride the same wagon - I wonder if that's really in English, or did I made it up?

 

[zoobyshoe]

The older I get, the more friends I lose, and the harder it is to make new ones. I'm in my early 40s now. My friends have gotten married, had kids, moved away. I have only one friend I do things with but she lives almost an hour away and is busy with her kiddo a lot.

And it just gets worse. As you know I'm 12 or something years older than you. People my age are busy being old: increasingly mentally restricting themselves to behaviors and attitudes they think are age appropriate for them. Going out to eat, going to a movie, getting together for cards, seems too adventurous, too outside the box for them.

5 or 6 years ago I accidentally fell in with a huge society of people in their late teens and early 20's when I started hanging out at this particular cafe. Now I have no end of friends and acquaintances. They're always itching for novelty. What I do with these idle hands as often as I can is get them to sit down and doodle with my colored pencils. This reminds them of coloring as a kid, they quiet down and we can have nice, calm conversations. I think card games, scrabble, monopoly, would have the same effect. (People are, indeed, always playing cards, chess, and board games there.)

There are plenty of other people my age who hang at the cafe as well but none of them has penetrated into the younger society because they won't let themselves: they insist on talking down to the kids instead of treating them like people, and they tend to pepper their conversation with off putting reminders of the age difference and a patronizing tone. I don't. I just make friends with them.

I'm not a restaurant fan, myself, but people are always splitting off from the cafe to go elsewhere for food, and also making plans to see movies. I'm often invited along, but have only gone a few times. If you like that separate kind of activity there seem to be ample opportunities for it.

So, what I'm saying is that if you want social activities get a younger circle of friends. You're a student at UCLA so where to find these younger people and the cafes they hang out in ought to be a no-brainer.

 

[Math Is Hard]

I think you're right, Zoob. Age is a big part of it. It really sucks! When I was in my 20s I went out to clubs every night. Hard to find people my age who want to go out at all now. I don't want to be an old stick in the mud who never has fun. I'm not ready. :(

You're really lucky to have the cafe all those fun (sometimes wacky!) friends. I need to come and visit soon.

oh, I'm actually not a student anymore - I graduated about a year ago. I miss it.

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

No, I live alone with a cat. It's pretty pathetic.

me too it's the best!

but I agree, even at just 26, many of my friends have moved away, gotten married or simply faded away

my best way to make friends is local sports teams I play on and volunteering. oh I meet soooo many cool people when I volunteer!

 

[Math Is Hard]

What kind of volunteer work do you do, Greg?

 

[Evo]

I would like someone to go to the mall with. That would be wonderful.

I will send you the Evo Child. Do you have a debit card?

The Evo Child and I went on a group trip to the Mall of the Americas. We stayed for 2 days, it was awesome. The bus ride was rather boring but it was worth it.

 

[Math Is Hard]

I will send you the Evo Child. Do you have a debit card?

NooooOOoo! This is becoming the twisted wishes thread.

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

What kind of volunteer work do you do, Greg?

horizon hospice in milwaukee. i was just there today :) you meet some of the most caring people on earth! two of my better "friends" I met there and they are both late 20s and really fun!

 

[turbo]

5 or 6 years ago I accidentally fell in with a huge society of people in their late teens and early 20's when I started hanging out at this particular cafe. Now I have no end of friends and acquaintances.

When I started hosting open-mike jams at a local tavern, it was a way for the owners to try to draw a Sunday crowd. They had tried it with another host initially, but he was VERY loud and was sometimes rude to patrons. They offered me the job in part because a couple of the bar-maids and their girl-friends lobbied for me behind the scenes. I had no idea about that until the owners asked me to take the gig. I kept the musicians' volumes down so that people could visit and talk without shouting, and the lack of a meat-market atmosphere drew more and more young women, which in turn drew more and more young men. I ended up with a mixed crowd of 20-somethings as friends, and not just at the tavern, but in a variety of social settings. Many of those young ladies were young enough to have been my daughters. I don't often bump into them now, since I avoid public places for safety's sake, but my wife brings back greetings and news when she meets them shopping, etc.

The loss of the ability to perform music in public was a big one, to me. I tried switching over to only playing outdoor gigs, like biker parties and corporate picnics, but all too often, I'd end up down-wind from somebody with WAY too much cologne or perfume on, and get sick, so that had to end, too.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I think you're right, Zoob. Age is a big part of it. It really sucks! When I was in my 20s I went out to clubs every night. Hard to find people my age who want to go out at all now. I don't want to be an old stick in the mud who never has fun. I'm not ready. :(

Exactly. I just remembered the case of two girls I know here who show up once a week or so after they go salsa dancing. It turns out one of the "girls" is actually 40. She doesn't think or look 40, so no one even suspects until they're told. I thought she was about 26.

You're really lucky to have the cafe all those fun (sometimes wacky!) friends. I need to come and visit soon.

Some of those people would benefit from a good, vigorous exorcism but there are many very fine people as well.

You're always welcome there. Last time you left too early, though. Things are only exiting between about 9:00 P.M. and 1:00 A.M. (Lately it's been generally sluggish with the students off from school for the holidays.)

oh, I'm actually not a student anymore - I graduated about a year ago. I miss it.

Regardless, you're an alumna and employee of UCLA, which is an automatic point of experience overlap for conversational purposes. I'm thinking there has to be at least one 24 hour cafe in LA frequented by students. If not, maybe you could put in for a transfer to work at UCSD and revert to your 20's lifestyle in your off hours at La Souris Perdue.

 

[turbo]

MIH, you could join lonelygenius.com (as soon as you build the web-site and get it hosted)

Ok, serious idea: How about volunteering with a community theater group. They can always use help, and the groups are full of creative people who like to party. Certainly, if you wanted to have company when going to art galleries, to hear live music, etc, they would be a pretty good fit.

 

[BobG]

I'm not really sure what other things I can do to make friends. I'd like to find some people to go out to restaurants with, hang out and plays cards with, maybe go see some live music.

I thought I was the only one with this issue!

I tend to make friends easily, but then things happen to them. They get transferred, their husband gets transferred, they go to work for Microsoft and are never heard from again...one friend became sick with something that causes seizures and can't drive, and her husband keeps her sequestered .

So I've sort of given up.

Not that that's a good solution, mind you .

Same club. But I'm five years out of a fourteen year live-in relationship. I'm good with it all being about the cat and me. I have decent people who I work with to do basic "stuff" with, but mostly I'm fine by myself. Most people just wind up bugging me anyway.

It would be unfair for two of you to move while one gets to stay put. All three of you should move to the same new city.

Colorado Springs is a beautiful place to live.

And it would help me with my New Years resolution - to hit on as many beautiful women as possible.

 

[zoobyshoe]

When I started hosting open-mike jams at a local tavern, it was a way for the owners to try to draw a Sunday crowd. They had tried it with another host initially, but he was VERY loud and was sometimes rude to patrons. They offered me the job in part because a couple of the bar-maids and their girl-friends lobbied for me behind the scenes. I had no idea about that until the owners asked me to take the gig. I kept the musicians' volumes down so that people could visit and talk without shouting, and the lack of a meat-market atmosphere drew more and more young women, which in turn drew more and more young men. I ended up with a mixed crowd of 20-somethings as friends, and not just at the tavern, but in a variety of social settings. Many of those young ladies were young enough to have been my daughters. I don't often bump into them now, since I avoid public places for safety's sake, but my wife brings back greetings and news when she meets them shopping, etc.

The loss of the ability to perform music in public was a big one, to me. I tried switching over to only playing outdoor gigs, like biker parties and corporate picnics, but all too often, I'd end up down-wind from somebody with WAY too much cologne or perfume on, and get sick, so that had to end, too.

That totally sucks about your allergies. It sounds like you created a good atmosphere there.

I think anyone over 30 who wants to socialize is going to have to end up with a younger crowd simply because they're always up for it and middle aged people aren't, or they have to make a big production out of it and can't be spontaneous.

 

[turbo]

That totally sucks about your allergies. It sounds like you created a good atmosphere there.

I think anyone over 30 who wants to socialize is going to have to end up with a younger crowd simply because they're always up for it and middle aged people aren't, or they have to make a big production out of it and can't be spontaneous.

Sunday afternoons/evenings at that tavern were wonderful. Once the musical situation got stabilized and a little more patron-friendly, young people started making it their regular spot. Unlike Friday/Saturday nights the heavy-drinking aggressive folks were generally sleeping it off, watching football, or something. People would come from 50 miles away or more to bring their minor children to sit in with some pros and learn blues, jazz, and rock interactively. Since it was a tavern (food served on premises) and not a bar, it was OK for minors to be there as long as they had an adult guardian. One of my favorite kids was a skinny little fella (16-17) from over 40 miles away and his father would bring him every couple of weeks. He was a big Santana fan and could cop a lot of his licks, but I turned him to traditional Chicago blues guitar, and he got better, month after month. It was a lot of fun.

Sometimes jazz students from the local state university would mob the place, and when they got really progressive, I'd cede them the stage. Really hot music.

 

[GeorginaS]

It would be unfair for two of you to move while one gets to stay put. All three of you should move to the same new city.

Colorado Springs is a beautiful place to live.

And it would help me with my New Years resolution - to hit on as many beautiful women as possible.

Now there's a weird bit of flattery. I think. Is it default flattery simply to be hit on? Okay the word "beautiful" doesn't hurt, I suppose. Especially given that you can't see us.

But yes, absolutely, MIH, if I hadn't managed to have such a terrific bunch of people ready-made at work, (And I have never, ever hung around outside of work with the people I work with, before. It's always been a huge point of contention and resentment with me when people from work wanted to socialise, especially in a group after work, and I felt obligated to go. I worked with them all day every day, already, dammit. I sure as anything didn't want to spend my free time with them. The majority of people who I work with at this place are terrific to hang out with too.) I'd have an awful time meeting people. Where do you meet new people to befriend after a certain age?

Of the few people I've had in my life for a long time, my best friend lives one whole province over. Another close friend I have lives way out of town, so it's a feat to organise time together. The neighbours in my new building, while wonderful people who I'm thrilled to know, are old enough to either be my parents or grandparents. (The lady immediately next door to me, Winnie, is 89. I so want to adopt her as my grandma. I miss mine.) They're not exactly activity/friend material.

And yes, Ivan, that generation really does have the superficial friendship thing down pat, do they not? Everywhere my parents go they always seem to meet "a very nice couple". They don't ever meet people in singles or on their own (although they are velcroed to each other so there's really no opportunity to) but they somehow manage to meet couples. As best I can tell they have nothing in common necessarily with the "couples" other than they're vacationing in the same spot and are around the same age. They seem to be able to socialise with and go places with and spend time with people, in couples, who they just met, and "have a really nice time". (I'm quoting my mother.) I've spent time with them along with some of these "couples" and they chat endlessly about nothing at all and laugh (fake laugh) constantly at nothing in particular. I can't figure out if I want to develop that skill.

Anyway, MIH, and LisaB, if I think of anything, I'll offer it up. Maybe we can offer each other suggestions and then try them out and report back.

 

[rewebster]

When I started hosting open-mike jams at a local tavern, it was a way for the owners to try to draw a Sunday crowd. They had tried it with another host initially, but he was VERY loud and was sometimes rude to patrons. They offered me the job in part because a couple of the bar-maids and their girl-friends lobbied for me behind the scenes. I had no idea about that until the owners asked me to take the gig. I kept the musicians' volumes down so that people could visit and talk without shouting, and the lack of a meat-market atmosphere drew more and more young women, which in turn drew more and more young men. I ended up with a mixed crowd of 20-somethings as friends, and not just at the tavern, but in a variety of social settings. Many of those young ladies were young enough to have been my daughters. I don't often bump into them now, since I avoid public places for safety's sake, but my wife brings back greetings and news when she meets them shopping, etc.

The loss of the ability to perform music in public was a big one, to me. I tried switching over to only playing outdoor gigs, like biker parties and corporate picnics, but all too often, I'd end up down-wind from somebody with WAY too much cologne or perfume on, and get sick, so that had to end, too.

you could rent one of those 'bubbles' to have on stage when you're playing

 

[lisab]

Maybe I can come visit you, Lisa, and you could show me the zoo. Or we could go visit Poland! People seem friendly there. Or maybe we'll both be all wrapped up in graduate studies soon and too busy to even think about doing anything else, so it won't matter.

TSA is right. I need more cats.

You can come any time!

Poland would be great...how about France?