Can Intense Feelings Ruin Lifelong Connections?

[SELFMADE]

of the most gorgeous woman who ever sat in my measly car, who ever took me to a bar, who ever danced with me by repeatedly threatening to decimate any male contact she'll have. Yes, I did use the word "kill 'em".

For every single second that she danced in front of me I knew someday I'd remember that moment as the highlight of my youth. But deep inside I wanted her to hate me because I couldn't handle her affection. And she did. I begged her and begged her till she told me to shut up.

If words could explain the way she was waving me to dance with her, her eyes, her smile, her body: I'd give anything to experience that moment just one more time. One night I found my reason to live, but not anymore.

Its been two days and the pain keeps getting worse. Talked to couple of friends, didn't help. She probably doesn't want to see or hear me. What the *** am I suppose to do. Story of my life really. I chased away every single person that ever been good to me. I am the reason why my folks got divorced. I am the reason why my mom is unhappy. All the people that ever tried to befriend me, I scared them away. Cus I think I am the center of the world. And then when she smiled at me, it felt as if everything became alright. Now she probably would hate even to look at me. That is what I'd do.

 

[n.r.g.]

Your story. Take from or give to it what you want. If your treating those around you poorly you will not be able to change their view of you until you change your own. No love for you, no love for others, Or you could just check out and leave the thinking to those not bothered by what people think of them. We got plenty of those types too.

 

[n.r.g.]

P.S. There is a good chance that you are indeed the center of your world. The theory of the egocentric universe. Try this philosophy.. "whatever you focus on will grow". Mabey stop eating so much mass produced meat, as the hormones are making you Emo.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I actually know what you mean. Sometimes it has seemed better to me to be hated than to be 'merely' friends.

 

[GeorginaS]

I actually know what you mean. Sometimes it has seemed better to me to be hated than to be 'merely' friends.

I don't understand that. Would you please explain?

 

[SELFMADE]

OMG she just called me this morning :D She wanted to know why I have been quiet! I am going to take her to a pet shop in few minutes. I CAN LIVE AGAIN! She first made sure that we're only friends. I can live with that 100% Just being with her is the light of my day!

 

[zoobyshoe]

I don't understand that. Would you please explain?

I don't know if I can explain it. It is a thing that seems to be completely foreign to women. Women seem to be very big on, at least, staying friends with guys they can't have, or who have broken up with them. They want to stay in close contact even if the guy is totally disinterested.

If I'm intensely interested in a woman, not being able to have her is torture. Imagine being famished and being invited to sit in presence of a fabulous meal you can't eat. The host of this meal seems inexplicably indifferent to the fact the sight and smell of this meal are driving you crazy, and seems to think you should be perfectly content to just look and smell.

This is a horrible situation: you being famished, and the host of the meal seeming not to get something so basic. Not only are you hungry, but you feel completely psychologically depersonalized. You would clearly be better off if the person hated you and wanted nothing to do with you in the future. Out of sight, out of mind. You need complete cold turkey to recover.

Women, for some reason I can't fathom, seem to decide it's preferable to stay friends with guys they're insane about who've rejected them romantically. I don't understand how they ever recover. In fact, it looks to me like they don't recover.

 

[GeorginaS]

OMG she just called me this morning :D She wanted to know why I have been quiet! I am going to take her to a pet shop in few minutes. I CAN LIVE AGAIN! She first made sure that we're only friends. I can live with that 100% Just being with her is the light of my day!

I don't know if I can explain it. It is a thing that seems to be completely foreign to women. Women seem to be very big on, at least, staying friends with guys they can't have, or who have broken up with them. They want to stay in close contact even if the guy is totally disinterested.

If I'm intensely interested in a woman, not being able to have her is torture. Imagine being famished and being invited to sit in presence of a fabulous meal you can't eat. The host of this meal seems inexplicably indifferent to the fact the sight and smell of this meal are driving you crazy, and seems to think you should be perfectly content to just look and smell.

This is a horrible situation: you being famished, and the host of the meal seeming not to get something so basic. Not only are you hungry, but you feel completely psychologically depersonalized. You would clearly be better off if the person hated you and wanted nothing to do with you in the future. Out of sight, out of mind. You need complete cold turkey to recover.

Women, for some reason I can't fathom, seem to decide it's preferable to stay friends with guys they're insane about who've rejected them romantically. I don't understand how they ever recover. In fact, it looks to me like they don't recover.

It appears as if SELFMADE's post ahead of yours suggests that he (I'm assuming it's a 'he') can certainly and happily live with "just being a friend".

I have to say, Zoobyshoe, that often your commentary about male/female interaction and relationships sounds really young to me. Not that you sound young, but that your understanding or observations of how people in relationships, particularly romantic relationships, behave or react would be young and/or inexperienced people. I understand what you're saying, but I can't recall seeing behaviour like that since, gosh, university? People in their late 20s or, at the very outside, early 30s.

Maybe it's just me. I'm too old for drama. Or maybe I outgrew it. I don't know.

This is anecdotal and only related to me, but I can't recall the last time I got dumped by a guy. If they stopped contact me with me, I generally shrugged my shoulders and got on with my life. (Meaning, in there, that the only circumstance I can recall of being 'dumped' per se is some guy just ceasing calling or contacting me and no formal 'break up', exactly, going on.)

I've maintained contact with my ex because we lived together for fourteen years and have intertwined financial interests, pets we had to split up, and I don't hate him because it became overwhelming for me to live with his mental illnesses any longer. Am I mooning and hanging on, though, to someone who has rejected me? No. That wasn't the circumstance of my leaving him, so that really doesn't apply to what you're talking about save the part about maintaining contact. (And there's a whole lot more to it than that, but I'd prefer not to get into it here. We can just say that it's nothing like what you're referring to.)

The type of behaviour in women you're talking about, to me, (and it's likely I'm entirely wrong, here) seems very young and stemming from a kind of insecurity. I was going to say that I could see the logic in it, and then re-thought it, and no I can't. It's masochistic to hang onto someone who point-blank rejected you. If you were friends to begin with, became lovers, that didn't work out, you took a good long break where you had no contact, then re-formed your friendship because you both valued it, then, that seems reasonable to me.

Otherwise, the quick removal of the metaphoric Band-Aid is the only way to go. Rip it off, it stings like mad, but you're done. So, break off contact, walk away, don't have any contact at all with that person for at least six months, then maybe you can be friends if that works for both of you because the passions will have cooled by then. Generally what happens is you discover that you really can't stand that person and that's that. But you absolutely need time and distance if you're infatuated with someone and it doesn't work out.

I guess that's a long way of saying that I, as in 'me and just me', don't recognise the behaviour you're talking about save from way, way back in history.

Is it behaviour in women that you encounter now in your personal life, Zooby? Or is it behaviour you see in people surrounding you?

 

[zoobyshoe]

It appears as if SELFMADE's post ahead of yours suggests that he (I'm assuming it's a 'he') can certainly and happily live with "just being a friend".

I think he lost his cold turkey resolve when she called him. He's hoping it will be different this time.

I have to say, Zoobyshoe, that often your commentary about male/female interaction and relationships sounds really young to me. Not that you sound young, but that your understanding or observations of how people in relationships, particularly romantic relationships, behave or react would be young and/or inexperienced people. I understand what you're saying, but I can't recall seeing behaviour like that since, gosh, university? People in their late 20s or, at the very outside, early 30s...


...Is it behaviour in women that you encounter now in your personal life, Zooby? Or is it behaviour you see in people surrounding you?

Yes, I am describing young people for sure. These dynamics only count for the ages at which romance is exloding all over the place. I am describing the behaviors I observe in the people at the cafe, who are high school to college aged as well as drawing on my own recollections. People in their 40's, 50's, 60's are not the happening place when it comes to romance.

This particular issue was brought to my attention specifically a few times because, as a generally sympathetic ear, and good listener, I am the shoulder some of these girls at the cafe came to to cry on when their boyfriends dumped them.

Example: Joe dumped Betty, but still called her up once a week or so to hang out. Each time she was hoping for the announcement he wanted her back. It didn't come and she'd message me on myspace or literally cry on my shoulder at the Cafe. Meantime Joe got another girlfriend. The new girlfriend cried on my shoulder every time Joe went to hang out with Betty, frightened he'd go back to her. They both needed to go cold turkey, but wouldn't listen to me. Three years later they're both still hooked on him.

Then Al falls in love with Betty. She hangs out with him a few times but when he tries to escalate she makes it clear she's not interested. He pulls himself together and stops talking to her. Betty thinks this is very immature of him. A month later, he's recovered and found a terrific girl friend. Three months later, he's back being civil to Betty again.

Betty still gets together with Joe once or twice a week, and has never gotten a new boyfriend. Joe still has the new girlfriend, he lives with her, but she won't come to the Cafe anymore because Betty might show up.
------------
It seems that you are the kind of person who knows when you have to cut off thinking about someone, not throw good money after bad, but I think that kind of good sense might be more rare than you suppose.

 

[jreelawg]

I feel that you are troubled.

I think what is at the root of your problem, is fear. You are a man consumed by fear.

I live by three words, wisdom, fearlessness, and self control.

I try to, and do a good job at fearing absolutely nothing.

Try confronting your fear of abandonment, of being alone, of being rejected, shamed, etc, and quit being so afraid.

When you are no longer afraid of anything, and I mean anything, I think you will learn see things differently.

In my personal life, I have come to accept the possibility that anything ranging from things many times worse than death, to death could happen at any moment. Whatever beyond your control happens is beyond your control. Just do your best to be wise and use self control, and there is nothing at all to fear. Anything difficult or painful coming your way can be turned into a beautiful thing and point of pride through dealing with it without fear with self control and wisdom. Nothing can hurt you, and nothing can defeat you except yourself.

 

[GeorginaS]

People in their 40's, 50's, 60's are not the happening place when it comes to romance.

Really? I'm bereft of all hope, now.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Really? I'm bereft of all hope, now.

I'm just saying it's be hard to draw an audience to a romantic movie about two 60 year olds tearing their way through, say, Des Moines, Iowa, having coffee, feeding the ducks, reading books together, walking out of Quentin Tarantino movies in disgust...you get the picture.

 

[GeorginaS]

Evidently you didn't see Cocoon.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Evidently you didn't see Cocoon.

Lol... there was even a sequel.

 

[Borg]

of the most gorgeous woman who ever sat in my measly car, who ever took me to a bar, who ever danced with me by repeatedly threatening to decimate any male contact she'll have. Yes, I did use the word "kill 'em".

This is pretty disturbing. So what happens when she finally breaks up with you for good and you realize it? Do you become this http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/05/04/virginia.lacrosse.yeardley.love/index.html" or any of the other dozens of similar news stories that I see every year when their relationship ends? You need to seriously think about the path that you are headed and the extent of your obsessions.

 

[BobG]

Yes, I am describing young people for sure. These dynamics only count for the ages at which romance is exloding all over the place. I am describing the behaviors I observe in the people at the cafe, who are high school to college aged as well as drawing on my own recollections. People in their 40's, 50's, 60's are not the happening place when it comes to romance.

Well, thanks a lot! You've just told every single person over 40 on the forum that they should just give up any chance of finding an "old person" worth having a hot, steamy, romantic evening with, sharing Godiva chocolates while giving each other nude pedicures to the accompaniment of "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" playing in the background!

I'm just saying it's be hard to draw an audience to a romantic movie about two 60 year olds tearing their way through, say, Des Moines, Iowa, having coffee, feeding the ducks, reading books together, walking out of Quentin Tarantino movies in disgust...you get the picture.

Comfortable Distance is a good movie about a prospective romance between an elderly couple. It addresses the dilemma of an elderly woman caring for an almost semi-comatose husband that's dying too slowly when she's wooed by an elderly widower. What does a person do when they've promised to remain faithful in sickness and in health, until death do us part, when one spouse is beyond ever communicating with in any meaningful way? He can only be wheeled around in a wheel chair on sunny days - in fact, he's virtually become an uglier version of Bianca in Lars and the Real Girl (another movie where a man has to deal with remaining faithful to a "dying" lover, but with more attractive people).

Is it still cheating when the lingering spouse is beyond any capability of comprehension of whether you "cheat" on them or remain faithful? In fact, was it really possible for Terry Schiavo's spouse to cheat on her?

And what would the kids and grandkids say if she cheated on dear dad, sitting home like a vegetable, while ma/grandma is out cavorting (abeit cavorting kind of slowly) with some sexy, gray-haired octogenarian with expensive new teeth.

I think you would find many people that would enjoy seeing that film. It's even short enough that old people could stay awake long enough to see the whole film!

And that movie is just off the top of my head. I'm sure other people could provide a long list of good movies about elderly romances.

 

[Lisa!]

Well, thanks a lot! You've just told every single person over 40 on the forum that they should just give up any chance of finding an "old person" worth having a hot, steamy, romantic evening with, sharing Godiva chocolates while giving each other nude pedicures to the accompaniment of "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" playing in the background!

s.

Don't take it so hard on him!Right now he's just so depressed because of our divorce!
He thinks that he's lost me to a young person and doesn't want to accept the fact that our marriage didn't work only because he wasn't openminded enough

 

[Evo]

Well, thanks a lot! You've just told every single person over 40 on the forum that they should just give up any chance of finding an "old person" worth having a hot, steamy, romantic evening with, sharing Godiva chocolates while giving each other nude pedicures to the accompaniment of "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" playing in the background!

I don't have any hope of finding someone at my age. I'm not even looking. I figure that my "soul mate" was crushed flat as a pancake by a runaway garbage truck. Or went insane. Or both.

 

[BobG]

I don't have any hope of finding someone at my age. I'm not even looking. I figure that my "soul mate" was crushed flat as a pancake by a runaway garbage truck. Or went insane. Or both.

My soulmate used to work in a shoe repair store.

She used to make shoes every night, in the nude no less. Alas, I made the mistake of buying her a dress. Once she had a dress, she had to go out shopping to "accessorize".

I never saw her again and now I wander the dusty roads with no shoes.

 

[rewebster]

hmmm...


there sure are a lot of 'sour grapes' stories...



edit:
I'm half waiting for someone to say, "MY story is the WORST--not YOURS!"

 

[Evo]

When I see these youngun's fretting about finding someone when they are surrounded be a sea of plenty, I can't help thinking, just wait until that sea dries up and becomes a barren desert.

 

[GeorginaS]

When I see these youngun's fretting about finding someone when they are surrounded be a sea of plenty, I can't help thinking, just wait until that sea dries up and becomes a barren desert.

You guys are really, really discouraging.

Who's looking for a "soul mate" anyway, who's over the age of 25? Seriously, isn't the best part of this hunk of our lives that so much of the drama is a thing of the past? (Unless you're my mother, of course, but that's a different story.)

 

[zoobyshoe]

Well, thanks a lot! You've just told every single person over 40 on the forum that they should just give up any chance of finding an "old person" worth having a hot, steamy, romantic evening with, sharing Godiva chocolates while giving each other nude pedicures to the accompaniment of "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" playing in the background!

What I'm saying, I think, is that the older you get the more careful you get, despite yourself, and you acquire all sorts of instinctive avoidance behaviors that prevent you from jumping into things the way you will when you are younger. So, at the same time you are becoming less and less attractive physically and have fewer and fewer prospects, you are also, paradoxically, more picky about what you'll put up with.

Is it still cheating when the lingering spouse is beyond any capability of comprehension of whether you "cheat" on them or remain faithful? In fact, was it really possible for Terry Schiavo's spouse to cheat on her?

Interesting ethical dilemma, but pales in comparison to the fireworks of, say, Mr. And Mrs. Smith.

 

[xxChrisxx]

Cheer up everyone, it could be worse.

I love being the annoying one who tried to increase the mood with chirpy optimism. I do it for morbid pleasure.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I don't have any hope of finding someone at my age. I'm not even looking. I figure that my "soul mate" was crushed flat as a pancake by a runaway garbage truck. Or went insane. Or both.

My English teacher in high school was a 57 year old woman, never been married. Out of the blue she started dating a guy and they got married within a few months. They are both still alive, in their 90's now, hanging on by inertia. My sister keeps in touch with them, goes to visit them a few times a year. I think the late marriage gave them both a second wind. I don't think they're "soul mates" at all, and it's hard to understand how they could have adjusted to living with someone else in late middle age, but they managed it.

 

[GeorginaS]

So, at the same time you are becoming less and less attractive physically

Speak for yourself.

 

[BobG]

So, at the same time you are becoming less and less attractive physically and have fewer and fewer prospects, you are also, paradoxically, more picky about what you'll put up with.

Is it okay if I borrow that line the next time I break up with a girlfriend?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Speak for yourself.

I wasn't talking about myself or you. I was talking about BobG.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Is it okay if I borrow that line the next time I break up with a girlfriend?

Yeah, but be careful they don't spring it on you first.

 

[lisab]

I think you would find many people that would enjoy seeing that film. It's even short enough that old people could stay awake long enough to see the whole film!

Is playing during a matinee? 'Cause I don't stay up later than 9.

 

[Evo]

Is playing during a matinee? 'Cause I don't stay up later than 9.

I thought you said manatee and I got all excited. Never mind.

 

[Evo]

OWTH. I am open to moving, I'll marry BobG or Zooby. Heck, I'll go with anyone that can tolerate me.

 

[rewebster]

OWTH. I am open to moving, I'll marry BobG or Zooby. Heck, I'll go with anyone that can tolerate me.

hmmm, no replies

well, you scared those two off...

 

[Evo]

hmmm, no replies

well, you scared those two off...

It would seem that way.

Update: Evo just won $266 million dollars in the lotery. Any takers?

 

[zoobyshoe]

OWTH. I am open to moving, I'll marry BobG or Zooby. Heck, I'll go with anyone that can tolerate me.

You can't stand cigarette smoke. You'd kill me in my sleep!