Can Rekindling a Relationship Work If She Needs Space?

[JasonRox]

I know this might be annoying for some people, but those who are fine with it... advice or anything is appreciated.

https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=80721

That is the link to Part 1.

She ended up e-mailing me back that same day, and we talked the next day on the phone. The first thing I asked and needed to know, is whether or not she wants this to work. She said yes.

We have spent time together twice already, and things are alright. Still kissing and everything... besides the bedroom stuff. She mentionned that we should wait before doing that because she doesn't want me to feel that she's coming back for that. She also told me that she missed me and wanted to talk. She also said she was planning on e-mailing me because waiting 3 weeks is just too long, and if we wait 3 weeks or more, it might not work out afterwards.

So, I'm guessing she really wants it to work.

The problem is that she still needs time to herself. I give her that time, but she hates how she doesn't want to do anything anymore. She has a 2 week vacation from work, but spends all day doing nothing. She doesn't seem to want to do anything. This is what she tells me anyways. It's funny because she's been out all weekend, and plans to be out all weekend again. So, I'm not sure what's going on.

She says that she doesn't know what she wants to do with herself. She mentionned before how she doesn't know if Engineering is for her anymore, and stuff like that.

She also said that it might be possible that things will get better when she goes back to school. She will be away from home, and busy with school work and stuff.

I don't think there is anything I can do to help, but wait until she gets better.

We will only be seeing each other like twice a week, and I hope that helps for her.

As a further note, she wants to try and not tell her mom (parents separated) about us trying it out again. She talks about how it's weird and everything, so I guess that might be it.

Anyways, any thoughts on this?

Note: From what I hear, and see... she still wants to be with me, but why not on weekends?

 

[The_Professional]

She also said that it might be possible that things will get better when she goes back to school. She will be away from home, and busy with school work and stuff.

So she said it is "possible" that things will get better because she will be away from home, busy with school and away from you

Is she around ages 18-22? they fall in and out of love every 5 mins.

 

[Moonbear]

It sounds like she's still pretty uncertain and has a lot more going on than just the breakup. Careful not to turn it into one of those yo-yo relationships where you're together today, broken up again tomorrow, miss each other too much, back together for the weekend, break up Monday, back together Thursday, etc.

 

[JasonRox]

It sounds like she's still pretty uncertain and has a lot more going on than just the breakup. Careful not to turn it into one of those yo-yo relationships where you're together today, broken up again tomorrow, miss each other too much, back together for the weekend, break up Monday, back together Thursday, etc.

I hope not either.

I might try to get the real deal today on what's on going. I already tried and there seems to be nothing much.

 

[Moonbear]

I hope not either.

I might try to get the real deal today on what's on going. I already tried and there seems to be nothing much.

Hopefully that works out. Mostly, you just need to find out if she wants time out to think things through, do stuff with other people because she's feeling smothered and to make sure things will work when you get back together, or if she wants time out permanently.

 

[JasonRox]

I talked to her and I can't seem to squeeze anything out at all.

She said she wants a casual relationship, which I guess is fine.

I won't talk to her until Sunday or Monday now, but I guess that's fine. I think that would be best for her.

We ate pizza today and we were holding hands the entire time, but I don't know if it's real on her part.

I asked her when was the last time she was happy, and she said she didn't remember. I wanted to cry right there. That hurt so much. She doesn't even know when all the feelings started changing and everything. That hurt too.

Again, tonight she said she wants this to work out.

Would she lie?

I'm trying to think more positive, but from the vibe I'm getting... it's like impossible.

 

[Moonbear]

I don't know what to tell you Jason. Is it possible she's been going through some depression that's not related to the relationship? If not, it doesn't really sound good. It sounds like she's fallen out of love and is just going through the motions because she just cares about you enough as a friend to think it's helping not hurt you. I think you're just going to have to accept that it's very likely not going to work out.

 

[Astronuc]

I talked to her and I can't seem to squeeze anything out at all.

Don't try to 'squeeze' anything out. It must come from her voluntarily.

She said she wants a casual relationship, which I guess is fine.

and you may have to prepare yourself for that - just being friends - which is not as good as bf/gf - but it's not that bad either.

We ate pizza today and we were holding hands the entire time, but I don't know if it's real on her part.

Try not holding hands the entire time. Give her a little space.

I asked her when was the last time she was happy, and she said she didn't remember. I wanted to cry right there. That hurt so much. She doesn't even know when all the feelings started changing and everything. That hurt too.

Been there a few times myself - probably when I was your age. Peoples' feelings change - that's a given. You or I cannot control another's feeling - nor do I want to do so.

Again, tonight she said she wants this to work out.

Would she lie?

It's sounds like she is uncertain as to what she really wants. Unfortunately, that takes time.

I'm trying to think more positive, but from the vibe I'm getting... it's like impossible.

Yeah - I am sorry that it hurts. The unfortunate reality is that what one wants may not coincide with what one's significant other wants. It even happens to married people and the conclusion is often divorce. One of my best friends went throught that - his wife just decided she did not want to be married anymore (and being fair, another of my friends decided he did not want to be married to his wife). Very sad indeed.

Whatever happens - try to be positive about her and yourself.

It's not the end of the world, although it sure feels like it sometimes.


Actually, while you are waiting for things to develop, please consider the book "Grown-up Marriage" by Judith Viorst. I am not sure if you desire to marry this woman, but the book gives a lot of things to think about relationwise.

 

[fileen]

from the view point of someone who constantly suffers from depression it really sounds like that's what's going on. have patience. I have lost a lot of relationships because of my "episodes" its hard for guys to stick around when I just want to be alone. girls are a little weird in that sometimes they just get sad and need to be sad for a while.let her feel herself out. maybe she feels a little trapped. remember that when people are depressed everything seems absolutely hopeless and pointless. its a constant struggle with yourself not to just sit and do nothing. it feels like everyones against you. its hard to remember good times. the hardest part to understand though, is the lack of insight to the future. when people are depressed they can't imagine things ever getting better. you need to support her and let her know you care about her, and stick with her as she goes through this, but its also important that you don't make her feel trapped. its a very difficult situation... that is if she is depressed. I am almost certain from the way you have described her behaviour that she is. apparently I am not the only one who noticed, moonbear mentioned depression as well. my advice is not to ask her about it though. she might not be prepared to recognize it or deal with it yet. it sounds like there's a lot she isn't telling you. pushing her will only make her distance herself more. let her come at her own speed. people who are depressed often push the people close to them away. if you can't handle the inbetween stage maybe you should consider letting her go. if this is going to be a habit that you can't deal with perhaps you should think of yourself and wiegh your pros and cons. obviously you need to support her in her time of distress, but its not healthy to be reaching out to someone who can't decide how close they want to be. the on again off again is painful and often causes us to protect ourselves so that you end up with a heart of stone. if you don't feel safe loving her you won't let your self truly do it. perhaps you should be straight up and honest with her and tell her that she's dragging you along and its hurting you. when you asked her the last time she was happy, and she told you she couldn't remember, you really should have told her how that hurt you. she can't read your mind. she may not even be aware of the stressful situation you are in. this is tricky though, because once again you don't want her to feel trapped. the first thing you need to do is decide if she is worth the pain she is putting you through, and recognize the frailty of the situation, and prepare yourself for the worst. there may be no hope for this relationship.

 

[JasonRox]

Thanks everyone.

I hope I talk to her soon again, but I'm going to have to think about this.

This girl means a lot to me, but I need to figure out what I want.

Regardless of what happens, I want the best for her.