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Hahahahaha some of this stuff is actually so freaking funny no joke. Good stuff guys.
- The Turnip ReportMcDonalds announced today that it’s joining the effort to reduce global warming while helping its customers stay fit. It has long been known that most vegetable and animals fats can be converted for use as a fuel. According to the company spokesman, Bob Tub, McDonalds has been recycling cooking oil for use as biodiesel in its truck fleet for over five years now. But today, after a ground-breaking seven-year study, the revolutionary new alternative fuel known as Lipo-Diesel was introduced, with distribution to retail fuel stations expected this fall. “The energy stored in the extra 6 to 10 billion pounds of fat carried by Happy Meal Americans had never been recognized”, said Tub. McDonalds intends to recycle this fat for use as a fuel by offering customers one free liposuction treatment for every one-thousand meals purchased. Said Tub, it’s a win-win-win. Our customers are healthier, the planet gets cooler, and we sell Macs by the boatload!
Inventor "Noise" Shotmad has devised a process of transferring accurate audio signals onto DVDs and CDs in a manner that makes the reproduced music sound warm and present without being clinical or harsh. The new method uses two or more microphones, a mixing board, an amplifier to boost the audio signal, and a lathe to mechanically encode the signal onto the polished surface of the aforementioned digital media. The equipment for playback in home environments is in development currently, though roll-out is still quite far off, restricting this new technology to niche settings. Shotmad is enthused, but a bit restrained, saying only "I can envision my invention powering banks of analog-reproduction machines." He hinted darkly that limitations in the production of high-quality polycarbonate resins might limit the full expression of this revolutionary technology. I could get no more of his time, which is a loss to audiophiles everywhere. "Magic Ears" out.