- #1
Snicker
- 47
- 1
Ok, so I have been friends with this girl for as long as I could remember (we are high school seniors by the way). This year, I have been acting rather...errr... affectionate towards her.
She has not been reciprocating.
I realized that the reason that I have been flirting with her so aggressively was because we both are heading to college in a few months so that our paths may unfortunately separate. I was not unhappy in the past of "just" being her friend. However, I supposed that the fear I had of losing her caused me to flirt with her without regards of her own feelings. Doing so allowed me to deny the fact that we may part forever.
I realized that what I have been doing was not only disrespectful, but very unloving -- antithetical to how I really felt about her. I couldn't possibly remain "just friends" without abusing her trust, so, for both our sakes, I decided to break things off completely. I avoided her entirely and tried to remove anything in my life that reminded me of her.
It worked out pretty well for about a week. I was transitioning from the first stage of grief, denial, to the last, acceptance. It was working out better than imagined. However, Valentine's day approached so I decided to write a pre-Valentine's day love poem (I am a pretty talented poet according to my artsy friends). I posted the verse as a note on facebook and I tagged my closest female friends. The girl in question was not tagged in it for reasons stated above. The poem was really about her, though I never explicitly used her name (I felt that the "acceptance" stage of grief includes accepting one's own feelings and convictions so that writing a love poem about her was positive move for me).
The next day, she approached me for the first time in a week. She told me that she was "very hurt" that I ignored her and particularly hurt that I did not tag her in the facebook note. That hurt me quite a bit considering that the purpose of avoiding her was to not hurt her. I therefore thought that perhaps I miscalculated her feelings. It seemed that from her protestations, not only was she hurt as a friend, but as a potential lover too (how else could one be hurt by NOT being tagged in a romantically-charged facebook poem?). So perhaps she did reciprocate my feelings and that I was just too opaque to notice it.
It dawned to me that if we were in a relationship, then, for various reasons, we could continue to be in close contact. One of the colleges I am considering (and have been accepted too) is very close to several of her top college choices. It is certainly not brazen or stupid of me to make my college decision on the basis of a relationship. Plus, I supposed I would be VERY happy to start dating her if she was similarly inclined.
So I decided to be cute. Before homeroom on Vallentine's day, I stood by her locker with a bunch of sappy lovey dovey items: Two roses, a stuffed animal, decorated paper hearts that my little sister helped me make, the love poems with a confession that they were about her, and a "love note" containing the reasons why I admire her, how much she means to me, why I have been cold to her recently, etc. I figured that if she was mad at me for ignoring her, then, assuming she mirrored my romantic inclination towards her, she would certainly forgive me if I gave her these!
When she came, I piled the tenders of my affections onto her arms. Being overwhelmed with my own dastardly shyness, I torrented her with the items so rapidly that she did not have any time to speak (she was smiling so gaily as I did this that I thought that it was okay). I then kissed her on the forehead and, utterly swamped with bashfulness, I made haste to my homeroom. As I looked back, I saw her looking at me with the brightest smile I'd ever seen.
The next day (today), feeling accomplished by yesterday's romantic victory, I tried to talk to her about our relationship going forward. However, she made it very obvious to me that she took advantage of every method to ignore and avoid me completely. Worse, a mutual friend of ours, after I lamented my difficulties to her, told me that my super special someone was persuing another man. That hurt especially since I used to suspect this during my decision to cut ties with her.
So I am at the end of my wits. I am a complete emotional and intellectual mess. I need some advice in moving forward. It would have been simple and easy to just let her go. However, things just don't seem so cut-and-dry any more. Also, please note that, when giving me advice, my primary directive is to make her happy -- a difficult goal as I seem to be nothing but an inherent reprobate.
She has not been reciprocating.
I realized that the reason that I have been flirting with her so aggressively was because we both are heading to college in a few months so that our paths may unfortunately separate. I was not unhappy in the past of "just" being her friend. However, I supposed that the fear I had of losing her caused me to flirt with her without regards of her own feelings. Doing so allowed me to deny the fact that we may part forever.
I realized that what I have been doing was not only disrespectful, but very unloving -- antithetical to how I really felt about her. I couldn't possibly remain "just friends" without abusing her trust, so, for both our sakes, I decided to break things off completely. I avoided her entirely and tried to remove anything in my life that reminded me of her.
It worked out pretty well for about a week. I was transitioning from the first stage of grief, denial, to the last, acceptance. It was working out better than imagined. However, Valentine's day approached so I decided to write a pre-Valentine's day love poem (I am a pretty talented poet according to my artsy friends). I posted the verse as a note on facebook and I tagged my closest female friends. The girl in question was not tagged in it for reasons stated above. The poem was really about her, though I never explicitly used her name (I felt that the "acceptance" stage of grief includes accepting one's own feelings and convictions so that writing a love poem about her was positive move for me).
The next day, she approached me for the first time in a week. She told me that she was "very hurt" that I ignored her and particularly hurt that I did not tag her in the facebook note. That hurt me quite a bit considering that the purpose of avoiding her was to not hurt her. I therefore thought that perhaps I miscalculated her feelings. It seemed that from her protestations, not only was she hurt as a friend, but as a potential lover too (how else could one be hurt by NOT being tagged in a romantically-charged facebook poem?). So perhaps she did reciprocate my feelings and that I was just too opaque to notice it.
It dawned to me that if we were in a relationship, then, for various reasons, we could continue to be in close contact. One of the colleges I am considering (and have been accepted too) is very close to several of her top college choices. It is certainly not brazen or stupid of me to make my college decision on the basis of a relationship. Plus, I supposed I would be VERY happy to start dating her if she was similarly inclined.
So I decided to be cute. Before homeroom on Vallentine's day, I stood by her locker with a bunch of sappy lovey dovey items: Two roses, a stuffed animal, decorated paper hearts that my little sister helped me make, the love poems with a confession that they were about her, and a "love note" containing the reasons why I admire her, how much she means to me, why I have been cold to her recently, etc. I figured that if she was mad at me for ignoring her, then, assuming she mirrored my romantic inclination towards her, she would certainly forgive me if I gave her these!
When she came, I piled the tenders of my affections onto her arms. Being overwhelmed with my own dastardly shyness, I torrented her with the items so rapidly that she did not have any time to speak (she was smiling so gaily as I did this that I thought that it was okay). I then kissed her on the forehead and, utterly swamped with bashfulness, I made haste to my homeroom. As I looked back, I saw her looking at me with the brightest smile I'd ever seen.
The next day (today), feeling accomplished by yesterday's romantic victory, I tried to talk to her about our relationship going forward. However, she made it very obvious to me that she took advantage of every method to ignore and avoid me completely. Worse, a mutual friend of ours, after I lamented my difficulties to her, told me that my super special someone was persuing another man. That hurt especially since I used to suspect this during my decision to cut ties with her.
So I am at the end of my wits. I am a complete emotional and intellectual mess. I need some advice in moving forward. It would have been simple and easy to just let her go. However, things just don't seem so cut-and-dry any more. Also, please note that, when giving me advice, my primary directive is to make her happy -- a difficult goal as I seem to be nothing but an inherent reprobate.
Actually, it was three poems, not just one, and all about her. But that is an irrelevant detail. Here they are if you want to read them (posts are listed in reverse order in time): http://www.thepoetryforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=27843
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