How do you personally cope with stress?

[Dr. Courtney]

One common source of stress in my life is too many commitments so the stress is the result of the time squeeze not leaving enough time for family, exercise, and my preferred recreational pursuits. I cope with the stress by reducing it - saying no to more stuff and yes to less stuff. Fewer work projects and fewer nights out and about. More time for existing projects, more time for exercise, more quiet evenings at home with my wife and family.

It's a low stress week when 1) I ride my bike at least 40 miles 2) I participate in 2-3 other recreational sporting events 3) I eat dinner at home at least 4 nights a week with nothing to rush off to after dinner.

I've found it more successful to manage stress at acceptable levels rather than trying to cope with high levels. I can manage high levels only for short periods before other areas of my life begin to suffer.

 

[Stephenk53]

I would suggest watching youtube videos related to your interests or if you are a nerd like I am, you could do research. Another thing you could try is go on the app orange toe (If I remember the name correctly), they may be able to help you further than we can, considering many of the people on that app have gone through what you are and some but not all of there members are free psychiatrists (some are retired and cannot work in an office due to some handicaps or simply got too old). However I would definitely get professional help face to face.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Guys (and girls) ... It depends what the real cause of stress is! Unless [she/or with therapist or doctor (it could even be biochemical)] finding that (in detail if possible) it's hard to give advice. Some of the things that you/we advise may even cause just more stress (it happens) ...
The few things that she has shared (about her life and stress etc.) I think are not enough to determine the cause etc. . She is intelligent enough to work it out further, I think. Cf. also post #33 , although that can be relative advice too (though I use it in consulting in education with students).

Also note that

Pepper spray

pepper spray

may be illegal in some areas (states or countries). She could even get in legal trouble (just for carrying it!). Advice can be risky.
Instead one can use a loud siren or a very strong (but small) led flashlight. In most cases these are perfectly legal (check though, but still careful how to use them - not lasers either...).

 

[Dr. Courtney]

On further reflection, I also note that even when the time issues are equal, some things are more stressful than others.

An two hour round trip commute to an event where the drive is mostly rural is very pleasant and unstressful for me. But a two hour round trip in heavy traffic heading into a nearby large city is much more stressful. I've learned to say yes to more events with the less stressful drive and no to more events with stressful commutes.

Likewise, some kinds of events include more relaxed folks and are less stressful due to better organization or other features. I tend to go back to those. Other events tend to attract more folks on power trips or who turn simple things into their personal fiefdoms. I find that stressful, so I don't go back.

Managing stress is more effective if I can weigh the risks and benefits of different plans in terms of the expected stress levels and make intentional choices to favor less stressful stuff, unless there is some big benefit or payoff that makes it worthwhile.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

On further reflection, I also note that even when the time issues are equal, some things are more stressful than others.

An two hour round trip commute to an event where the drive is mostly rural is very pleasant and unstressful for me. But a two hour round trip in heavy traffic heading into a nearby large city is much more stressful. I've learned to say yes to more events with the less stressful drive and no to more events with stressful commutes.

Likewise, some kinds of events include more relaxed folks and are less stressful due to better organization or other features. I tend to go back to those. Other events tend to attract more folks on power trips or who turn simple things into their personal fiefdoms. I find that stressful, so I don't go back.

Managing stress is more effective if I can weigh the risks and benefits of different plans in terms of the expected stress levels and make intentional choices to favor less stressful stuff, unless there is some big benefit or payoff that makes it worthwhile.

Advice can be relative.

It depends what the real cause of stress is!

Also:

Advice can be risky.

And even after finding perhaps the real cause(s), ... cause(s) and symptoms must then be treated accordingly, preferably with professional help.

 

[DennisN]

Hi, @Fervent Freyja, I reread the thread and I want to comment on these things:

Well, as soon as he discovered my plans for divorce (snooping in a journal a little over a month ago) he started f*cking his ex-girlfriend from 10 years ago and I know he's talking to that wench daily), so I don't really want him touching me right now. [...] Like, I have been trying to get one on the side, too, but can't bring myself to do it. I have never touched another man in 10 years, no matter how much flirting I do or attention I get, daily, but he goes and cheats as soon as he thinks it's over, that is disappointing and pisses me off. Like, I want this to be over with now and am tired of being hurt and waiting for my love life to get better.

It sounds like there is a lot of distrust going on in general, and that is very stressful. Also, I guess there is a reason for your plan of divorce, which (unless I missed reading it) you have not told us.

And I've had 4 drinks already tonight.

I would be very careful with alcohol. Please see my post #34 above.

Should I go ahead and get a lover on the side like he did? That would be distracting.

I would definitely not suggest that. In the state you are at the moment, I don't think that would be fair to neither yourself nor the other person (lover). You could definitely complicate things with that move.

Problem is that he still monitor's me like I'm the one cheating, when it's only EVER been him doing it. He locked my pc in his gunsafe months ago and I don't trust it anymore. Broke my laptop AND cell phone (it hit me in the head).

This is starting to sound serious (see below).

It's gotten far worse now that I'm trying to get out. I feel like I am so rational a person, that I am vulnerable to manipulation- it just blows my mind, the irrationality of this sort of warfare. I can't fight irrationality. It throws me off. Every manipulative tactic in the book seems to get thrown at me and it is so beyond reason to use all that, it blows my mind when thrown at me! And the thing is, people that I'm telling have a hard time believing me I think, because I don't present myself as a victim and some of things he does is so out there that I think they don't believe me!

I would suggest you find a person (e.g. therapist or whatever) who is knowledgeable when it comes to high conflict relationships/divorces and/or domestic abuse, i.e. a person who knows such stuff and who you can confide in, and what I mean is you see this person yourself in private. Tell this person how you feel and what has been happening.

With my daughter, there is no physical abuse or anything that will help me remove her from the home. I just can't get out because of legalities holding her in her childhood home. And I'm not leaving her, no matter how bad it gets.

Physical abuse is just one form of abuse. Other types of abuse are e.g. 1) verbal abuse, 2) emotional abuse and 3) psychological abuse.

I need to learn how to deal with this stress, because my negative reactions to stress are causing his negative behaviors and abuse to escalate. I want to learn how to calm myself, so that he won't keep reacting to it.

(note: here you are calling it abuse yourself)
I have some things and resources I'd like to share with you regarding this, which I will post about later in this thread, or send to you in a PM. Take care!

 

[Stephenk53]

Another note, avoid drinking to the best of your ability, one of my relatives drank heavily and his life is far worse because of it, his addiction has made his life far more stressful. Alcohol is a short term fix that can have long term consequences.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

long term

Even short (but permanent) term ... . I lost a friend from drinking (last month). He wasn't admitting it to us but was drinking a lot more than "a few times a week" or what he said he was drinking. Also we never really found out why he was drinking. It's all too late now! ...
[And he was highly intelligent too! Drinking and substance abuse is a real trap ...]

 

[Stephenk53]

Even short (but permanent) term ... . I lost a friend from drinking (last month). He wasn't admitting it to us but was drinking a lot more than "a few times a week" or what he said he was drinking. Also we never really found out why he was drinking. It's all too late now! ...
[And he was highly intelligent too! Drinking and substance abuse is a real trap ...]

I am sorry for your loss, my uncle has been addicted since high school and quit, but he continued once again recently and has lost several jobs within 2 months because of it

As for the OP please avoid drinking, it will often make things much worse

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I am sorry for your loss

Thanks!
I hope your uncle gets over it ...

As for the OP

Hopefully she is not in either one category ... . I too advice caution though.

 

[Dr Transport]

I echo the others, get some professional help, it is extremely relaxing to find out the reason for your stress and help reduce it (I saw someone for 6 months after I was diagnosed with PTSD, it really helped).

Secondly, yoga and other martial arts have been mentioned, I agree, I found Tai Chi to be a stress reliever as well as acupuncture, the combination of them has helped my qi flow and it has helped mitigate my symptoms.

 

[LiamSmith]

As for me. My GF helps me. She talks with me. Trying to fix my mind. Helps me to not feel lonely

 

[Shalgam]

Reading novels (world classics) and playstation. Those hobbies help me tremendously. Maybe because I'm only 19 :p

 

[Charles Link]

I do yoga. Also a friend of mine who has made a complete recovery from alcoholism told me about the AA's rule 62: Don't take yourself too "damn" seriously. See https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rule 62 :) $\\$ And also remembering the words of an older Physics Ph.D. who I worked with many years ago: "The truly great man does not get excited about events beyond their control".

 

[Fervent Freyja]

I want to thank everyone for their advice!

The other woman's husband dropped the evidence I need onto my lap a few weeks ago, he is already divorcing his wife because of it.

We are living with my mother right now. I can handle stress now that I can see what has been happening. I have always given him full privacy, because I trust myself with it, but this caused me to dig further, and I found numerous other ones. His best friend's wife, too... Not kidding.

When someone close to you is lying and throwing out an illusion to you on a daily basis, you cannot do anything with it, it's like I've been blind and so much didn't make sense to me, but now that I know, I can handle any stress as it comes my way!

I reckon that it's best that I waited as long as I did, in order to finally understand what has been going on these last few years.

 

[Charles Link]

@Fervent Freyja You have my sympathies. The problem, in hindsight, was clearly more than simply being stressed from life's ordinary difficulties. My post and I think others were responses on how to handle the more routine forms of stress. In any case, wishing you the best in getting through these hurdles.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I can handle stress now that I can see what has been happening.

... you cannot do anything with it ... but now that I know, I can handle any stress as it comes my way!

I totally agree! I find, myself, comforting knowing the truth around the source and cause of a given stress situation, and as soon as starting doing something about it, or in that direction, or if there's no way to actually do anything (thus it's not my fault! ... etc.), then the stress (almost immediately and kind of magically) starts going away, beginning to disappear (as there's no really point in it existing anymore ...), giving way to logic that prevails; or even giving me more strength to handle it (stress), as you say.

I reckon that it's best that I waited as long as I did, in order to finally understand what has been going on these last few years.

I agree. I think time is not the main issue here. Nothing (no experience) goes wasted! ... And "whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger ...".
[+, perhaps, you allowed some time to perhaps see that/if the situation could be fixed/saved ...]

I've had kind of a similar experience. At first it was a shock, before I got used to that idea.

 

[nuuskur]

Well, I was caught up in drugs as a teenager. I won't get into the details, it caused a lot of stress. I had anxiety problems, deficiency of every concievable mineral or vitamin. I was skinny and I didn't even know what self-esteem was. I was suffering from insomnia. I used to play online poker under influence for days like a machine.

Sex does relieve tension, but it's just sex. It won't fix your body chemistry. A lot of mental and physical health problems stem from poor choice of food.
And alcohol?! Nothing good can ever come from that, unless it's a birthday celebration with colleagues and a half-glass of champagne or wine. Especially considering your daily dose of various drugs. Stay away from alcohol!

It's corny, but exercising (I go jogging and do simple things for core strength) helps me tire myself out, burn calories, stay in shape, maintain self-esteem (Yes! I know what it is, now :) ). I sleep like a log, 8 hours straight. In contrast to not sleeping for days, that's a great improvement.

I mostly like electronic music. Fast paced, energetic, psychedelic - it helps me enter into a state of trance. Finish the playlist with some downbeat to bring energy levels back down. Although, techno is not really my thing, its semi-neutral steady sound can neutralise me, if that makes sense. I occasionally listen to classical music or some good ol' hip-hop.Right, but I haven't gone through the drama of marriage, perhaps my teen age misadventures were a joy compared to marriage, so I have no idea what you are going through.

Is it possible to be so stressed that you can't even focus long enough to do things that normally relieve your stress? How do I calm myself down and stop worrying so much?

Ditch alcohol and the drugs (no, it won't be easy). They are the main source of your problems.

As for video games. You'd want to be careful with that. Don't let that get in the way of your more immediate responsibilities. Though, I agree, it would be amazing to shoot up the entire town in GTA5. Pretend the one in the car is *insert someone you despise* and fire away.

 

[nuuskur]

Oh bloody hell. This is an old topic
I only read the first post without paying attention to the date.

I'd feel sorry for anyone having to have to through with such a thing for YEARS?! I'm glad you found your way out of it.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Oh bloody hell. This is an old topic
I only read the first post without paying attention to the date.

It's not about the date. It's just that she seems to have resolved it (see her post #50 [also today (or actually last night)]).

 

[nuuskur]

I'm kind of absent-minded, today. It's quite warm and humid for early April.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I'm kind of absent-minded, today. It's quite warm and humid for early April.

Yup! Spring is here (for good!) ...

 

[Fervent Freyja]

I'm not overestimating him again.

It's all still a game to him, only he can win.

Threatened that if I would not take him back and he couldn't have the 2 of us together, then he will battle me for sole custody in court, so he wouldn't have to deal with me again- he really believes sole custody would allow him to totally eliminate her mother from her life. Which is absolutely insane to believe he has a chance, I have been her primary for 6 years. He is sick. Tired of all the threats. He had me believing for many months that he would physically harm me if I left. So tired. I imagine I have lots of future stress ahead of me.

My blade is out.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I imagine I have lots of future stress ahead of me.

Don't pre-judge this. Bias can only cause bias. If you believe that ... chances are you may ... . Just see the possitive side (there is always one! ...). I would say cool down and try to relax, however still admitting that the problems may be there; or, otherwise, and in any case, try to solve them. Try to learn to live with [the] problems and [drastically perhaps] confront them, without causing to yourself extra stress, perhaps more than it is in the objective situation itself.

Most problems are solvable! ... Unless proven otherwise ... (per case)

My blade is out.

"Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst ..."
Then sometimes stress goes away.

But in any case try not to get in trouble ... (e.g. legal or otherwise)
And try not to make things worse.
He may be looking/waiting for an opportunity (or the perfect chance) to push you in the corner and win. Don't give him that opportunity ! ...
"Rule" #1 ("GOLDEN rule"): Stay Legal! ...
[following: Stay Calm etc. ...]
Also try to stay healthy, because in some cases he could invoke mother's health arguments in court to win sole custody etc. . Don't give him that opportunity either. You seem a possitive person. You can win [if you want] ...

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Thanks @Stavros Kiri! My mistake here has been not assuming that the worst was happening around me. I think it would be a mistake to underestimate my situation again. I always want to see the best in people and in situations, and really want to work to solve any issues in the way. But, my approach has been wrong. I cannot solve every and any problem. Not all people live with the best for others in mind. They act out of selfishness and only what they want, at thr time their ego is wounded, or whatever.

I still refuse to believe most people are that way, but it's probably best that I expect: to be attacked by the man that promised to protect me for life.

I have loved him so much, that I would let him do whatever he wanted to me, and get away with it. Even though I can fight and win against most. But, now that I see my child's best interests haven't been considered and her future is being threatened, I am not his anymore. He cannot get away with being the center of our life anymore.

He has lost me and I am going to fight for her. It would be a mistake not expect him to fight me for her, just to hurt me back for leaving him.

Any advice on stress relief is still welcome. I will listen. I sure will.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I added a link in the previous post (an old YouTube video - please take notice). I think it might be stress lelieving, or at least relevant for winning, or just a good old song from the 80's (or 90's ...) ...
After posting this I will add on edit ...
Edit:

My mistake here has been not assuming that the worst was happening around me. I think it would be a mistake to underestimate my situation again.

You're probably right. I would still say:

"Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst ..."
Then sometimes stress goes away.

Also, sometimes if there's nothing you can do to fix a certain situation, then stress goes away too (because at least it's not your fault).

Finally, I will just mention (not advising you though to do this in this case), that in the past I forgave a 'cheating on me situation' and continued with the relationship, adjusting to myself that perhaps I shouldn't be possessive in any relationship. We all make mistakes after all (I have too). But your situation may be more complicated.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I added a link in the previous post (an old YouTube video - please take notice). I think it might be stress lelieving, or at least relevant for winning, or just a good old song from the 80's (or 90's ...) ...

Here's another one (80's and 2017 ...):

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Here's another one (80's and 2017 ...):

Thanks again, I listened to it!

I am aware of much going on in my surrounding relationships. Even though he is my only boyfriend, I have launched myself into understanding everything I can in the last 10 years about love and marriage and relationships. I have forgiven too much already and put in more than my share. I hate to give up on anything and this had been incredibly important to me- in fact, making it work with him had been my priority in life, period, until I realized he didn't have to lift a finger and his actions seemed to erase all my progress with "us" and all the active work I have done didn't seem to make a dent. I used to have to use a journal to refer to in order to have any healthy, normal communication, period.

I am not sure, but in 10 years, I have never asked him to even sweep a floor and certainly never witnessed him wipe a surface, in 10 years. He hasn't had to do dang, in my quest to prevent demasculating him in any way.

I have tried. In every way I know, the traditional way. And even have taken all the modern advice I can. All these frickin marriage books and my own counselors have gotten me nowhere.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Thanks again, I listened to it!

I am aware of much going on in my surrounding relationships. Even though he is my only boyfriend, I have launched myself into understanding everything I can in the last 10 years about love and marriage and relationships. I have forgiven too much already and put in more than my share. I hate to give up on anything and this had been incredibly important to me- in fact, making it work with him had been my priority in life, period, until I realized he didn't have to lift a finger and his actions seemed to erase all my progress with "us" and all the active work I have done didn't seem to make a dent. I used to have to use a journal to refer to in order to have any healthy, normal communication, period.

I am not sure, but in 10 years, I have never asked him to even sweep a floor and certainly never witnessed him wipe a surface, in 10 years. He hasn't had to do ****, in my quest to prevent demasculating him in any way.

I have tried. In every way I know, the traditional way. And even have taken all the modern advice I can. All these frickin marriage books and my own counselors have gotten me nowhere.

These, I think, prove that you're more than sensible, prudent and possitive person, good wife too. May be you were too much for him, as he didn't seem to appreciate all that. He probably took it for granted and his character did not allow for your marriage to stay in good condition.
But it's not your fault. It happens. He was just not worth it (perhaps), or may be he isn't now. In no way you should blame yourself and stress should go away. A solution will be found. You'll know when you see it. It's just that we cannot account for other people's characters. There are no guarrantees! ...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

You also seem [an] intelligent [person] and I usually learn a lot from your posts. I will share with you that I was in an uncertain and seemingly unsolvable situation once (not with a relationship), and was feeling bad as I saw no solution. But as soon as I saw it I grabbed it and moved on.
I learned [at least] two things from that experience:
1. Learned how to live and cope with uncertainty, uncertain situations, pending matters and situations, and possibly anxiety and stress. After all, life itself is one such big one ... [+We can enhance our tolerance ...]
2. When you don't see the solution yet ... don't worry! Just keep trying, be patient and do what you have to do. You'll know it when you see it (i.e. the solution).
From far away "clouds and obstacles hide the view" but, as you move closer, you'll know what to do to overcome them ... (as with driving, you know how to overtake the cars ahead only when you approach close ...). The "sun" and "destination" is on the other side ... but should already be in our hearts ...

[I usually find this stress relieving.]

 

[nuuskur]

He hasn't had to do ****, in my quest to prevent demasculating him in any way.

I'm sorry, what? How would keeping your home clean or, god forbid, taking out the garbage be demasculating?!
Would you avoid conflict only for the sake of avoiding conflict? That just doesn't sit with me in this particular case. Get angry, throw a fit, do something to show how much he f**** up. He sounds like a spoilt brat, it's just disgusting. Doesn't matter now, I suppose.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

By the way, he probably needs therapy more than anyone else. Is it possible that you or a third person (e.g. someone close to him or to both of you) can convince him to do that? It could save your marriage ...
(I am not sure though - something to think about ...)
Other solutions that haven't been thought up as of yet may be possible. I would say "hang in there", be patient and put your mind at work. Or do what else you think is necessary, that would at the same time help stress to go away. Perhaps it already has! ...