How to Nicely End Romantic Pursuit Without Making Things Awkward?

[Astronuc]

I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone- even if my absolute dream man came along, it would just have to wait. Honestly. I've already said this. I even guessed at how long the wait would be- 8 years. Maybe I need to change my tone a bit. What means more to you guys- words or tone?

I would recommend being honest, which it seems you already were. Perhaps you do need to be sterner.

Did you tell him one-on-one? If so, then perhaps tell him in the presence of your brother.

Will his feelings get hurt. Sure. But in the end, he will be better for it. He needs to move on.

When I was dating, I would prefer a woman tell me flat out that she wasn't interested. I had no desire to impose myself on any woman. I never expected any woman to be automatically be attracted to me. If she was, then I knew there something was wrong with her judgement.

 

[honestrosewater]

Since he's your brother's friend, you could have your brother tell him to back off in that over-protective, brotherly sort of way.

Yeah, I did that. The guy is two years older than me, but he's my younger brother's friend. I'm usually the one in the protective role, but I may ask him again if other things don't work.

There's also the last resort of actually agreeing to go out with the guy and then being the world's most boring and cold date. Barely speak, stare at the floor, if he touches you, pull back like you were just struck with a hot poker, etc.

Thanks, but that's seriously not a possibility. I tried barely speaking for a few hours. I have been pulling away when he touches me. Not wholly innappropriate touching- just wholly unwelcome.

If I may offer some woman-to-woman type advice though... don't let your focus on school interfere with having a personal life too. You may not be able to hang out with someone you're dating every weekend if you need to study and get work done, but don't dismiss the idea either if someone decent comes along. A good, supportive relationship can actually make the hard work that goes into your education and career goals easier (go for one who cooks and cleans so you can focus on school and work and he'll have home-cooked meals waiting for you at the end of a long day ).

Thanks, advice taken.

Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.

He suggested coming over today to keep me company. I said it wasn't necessary. As he was leaving, he said he would stop by and I said I would be asleep most of the day.

So it's his rather alarming behavior that makes me want to put a complete stop to it ASAP. I can deal with pushy, but this is a little more than just pushy.
Bah- that's how upset I am- I can't even spell.

 

[honestrosewater]

Thanks, Astronuc, you really cheered me up. I haven't met many men like you, but it's nice to know they're out there.

 

[Astronuc]

Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.

He suggested coming over today to keep me company. I said it wasn't necessary.

This guy doesn't seem to know his limits. You don't have a close relationship, yet he is standing over you while you are sleeping?

If I was your brother, and some guy did that, I'd be sending him out the nearest window or closed door.

I agree with Moonbear- "A good, supportive relationship can actually make the hard work that goes into your education and career goals easier (go for one who cooks and cleans so you can focus on school and work and he'll have home-cooked meals waiting for you at the end of a long day ). " But it has to be the right person, and this guy ain't the one.

 

[hypatia]

He was watching you sleep? Thats just creepy and very wrong. I don't think you should worry about being nice to him..

 

[Antiphon]

How old are the parties in this drama? That might change the advice a bit.

 

[honestrosewater]

Yeah, I told my brother it creeped me out. He said he's just like that. But the more I think about it, yeah, I'm just going to put my foot down now.

So, thanks, I'll be honest and firm. I just wonder- he left me his email address this morning. Should I write him? I can be firm in a letter and it may save him some face. Or should I wait and see if he backs off from now on?

 

[honestrosewater]

How old are the parties in this drama? That might change the advice a bit.

I'm 22, he's 24.
I've managed to protect myself from bigger guys than him before, and I'm not worried yet about this becoming violent or anything, if that's what you mean.

 

[Astronuc]

Send me his address and I'll go stand over him when he wakes up.

And if he doesn't back off - tell your parents and if necessary get a restraining order.

My sister was harassed by some weirdo in junior high, then later in college. I don't tolerate such behavior - ** GRRRRRR **

Yeah, I told my brother it creeped me out. He said he's just like that.

And I'll have a talk to your brother, too. He should not have let his friend be in your room. [I am assuming you are living at home, with parents and brother.]

 

[Math Is Hard]

He was watching you sleep? Thats just creepy and very wrong. I don't think you should worry about being nice to him..

I concur. That gets a 9.3 on the MIH 10 pt. creepy scale. I might be overly sensitive because I've been stalked a couple of times, but still.. it's kinda like my grand-dad used to say, "somethin's just not right with that boy."

 

[loseyourname]

Ah, so he hasn't even really had a chance to develop feelings for you then. You could just stay the course for a while and see what happens.

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

No normal person could sustain a crush on someone in the face of that kind of uniquivocal, repetitive non-interest.

Steve Urkel did it. He might have even kept it up for 8 years. Out of curiosity, if this guy really did show that kind of devotion to you for the next 8 years, do you think you'd go out with him then?

 

[loseyourname]

Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.:

Also out of curiosity, after this, exactly how do you aim to keep future interactions from being awkward? And why the hell do you even care?

 

[Astronuc]

Also out of curiosity, after this, exactly how do you aim to keep future interactions from being awkward? And why the hell do you even care?

I imagine it's because this guy is the brother's friend.

But the behavior of invading one's privacy is not appropriate, and if it was my house, this guy would not be allowed to return (unless perhaps he can demonstrate more control some time in the future).

 

[Pengwuino]

Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.

Freak.

24 year olds exhibiting this behavior is weird...

How bout a restraining order? That'll show him what's what. Whats with guys... every girl i know seems to have a weird stalker. People are pathetic i swear.

 

[honestrosewater]

Send me his address and I'll go stand over him when he wakes up.

And if he doesn't back off - tell your parents and if necessary get a restraining order.

My sister was harassed by some weirdo in junior high, then later in college. I don't tolerate such behavior - ** GRRRRRR **

And I'll have a talk to your brother, too. He should not have let his friend be in your room. [I am assuming you are living at home, with parents and brother.]

I concur. That gets a 9.3 on the MIH 10 pt. creepy scale. I might be overly sensitive because I've been stalked a couple of times, but still.. it's kinda like my grand-dad used to say, "somethin's just not right with that boy."

You guys are so sweet. But maybe it sounds worse than it is. It's only been one day. Yes, I moved back home almost two years ago. But I don't sleep in my room- I sleep in the livingroom. My brother & his other friend were in his room playing video games. I almost wish my dad was around- I know I could count on him. But he's in prison. I'll be fine on my own though.

 

[quantumdude]

Steve Urkel did it. He might have even kept it up for 8 years.

Earth to LYN, Steve Urkel lives in TV Land. Real guys have better things to do.

Out of curiosity, if this guy really did show that kind of devotion to you for the next 8 years, do you think you'd go out with him then?

No, I would not.

(you realize you were quoting me, right?)

 

[Pengwuino]

Earth to LYN, Steve Urkel lives in TV Land. Real guys have better things to do.

I must know a lot of fake guys then because woooo, seems like all the girls i know know an urkel whos obsessed with them.

 

[honestrosewater]

Out of curiosity, if this guy really did show that kind of devotion to you for the next 8 years, do you think you'd go out with him then?

Not unless he changed considerably in the meantime. And I don't think he's on the right side of the line between unwanted devotion and trouble.

Also out of curiosity, after this, exactly how do you aim to keep future interactions from being awkward? And why the hell do you even care?

Astronuc's right- because he's my brother's friend. As things stand now, I can still be comfortable enough around him. He doesn't scare me- he just has me on edge at the moment.

 

[honestrosewater]

No, I would not.

Seriously, an 8 year forecast for your love life is bound to be less reliable than an 8 year forecast for the weather. But you'll find that out for yourself. :!)

 

[Pengwuino]

None of my ideas are getting considered here :D

 

[honestrosewater]

None of my ideas are getting considered here :D

Sorry, I was just about to reply to you. It hasn't gotten to the point of needing a restraining order, but I'll keep it in mind if it comes to that. I knew someone- I wouldn't call him a stalker- he didn't hide or anything or come around my home, just my work and public places, was aggressive. I didn't get that vibe from this guy.

Maybe I've just put myself in bad situations, but I've met too many guys who really just don't even care if you say 'No'. Or maybe they're just the ones I remember. Is that really a problem for a lot of other people?

 

[wolram]

Rose, it comes down to you, no advice anyone can give you, can fit your
situation, but you have maturity and common sense on your side, use it
wisely as i know you will and all will turn out just fine.

 

[loseyourname]

No, I would not.

(you realize you were quoting me, right?)

I realized, but I did intend that portion as an address to Rachel. Figured she'd get it.

 

[loseyourname]

Astronuc's right- because he's my brother's friend. As things stand now, I can still be comfortable enough around him. He doesn't scare me- he just has me on edge at the moment.

I've had friends of my sisters develop crushes on me, but they were usually so much younger that it was more cute than creepy. How long do you intend to continue living on your parents' couch? I did that for a couple of months and came to realize that expecting any measure of privacy or the ability to sleep when I actually wanted to were unrealistic expectations.

 

[honestrosewater]

Rose, it comes down to you, no advice anyone can give you, can fit your
situation, but you have maturity and common sense on your side, use it
wisely as i know you will and all will turn out just fine.

I was just teasing about the doughnuts and Coke. We'll have a grand feast. It will have to be vegetarian though- unless you want to prepare the dead carcass dishes. Deal?

 

[wolram]

I was just teasing about the doughnuts and Coke. We'll have a grand feast. It will have to be vegetarian though- unless you want to prepare the dead carcass dishes. Deal?

Ok deal, how can anyone resist.

 

[honestrosewater]

I've had friends of my sisters develop crushes on me, but they were usually so much younger that it was more cute than creepy. How long do you intend to continue living on your parents' couch? I did that for a couple of months and came to realize that expecting any measure of privacy or the ability to sleep when I actually wanted to were unrealistic expectations.

It was just my mom and myself- my brother just moved in last week. We're on different schedules, so privacy and such isn't a problem. I have some other problems that have prevented me from feeling safe living on my own, but I'm making great progress with them. I haven't set plans to move out. I'll leave when it's time.

 

[hitssquad]

Ladder theory

If you're romantically interested in someone, what can they say to make you completely abandon your pursuit of them but not make future interactions with them awkward? Yes, it's me- one of my brother's friends has taken a liking to me, and nothing I've said seems to have worked.

You might show him this link and tell him that he is not on your good ladder.
http://www.laddertheory.com/ladderconstruction.htm

 

[loseyourname]

It was just my mom and myself- my brother just moved in last week. We're on different schedules, so privacy and such isn't a problem. I have some other problems that have prevented me from feeling safe living on my own, but I'm making great progress with them. I haven't set plans to move out. I'll leave when it's time.

Moving out doesn't have to mean living on your own. Heck, I live with my girlfriend, and I can assure you it hasn't interfered with work or school. Then again, health problems have kept me from working, so there is no 'work' to interfere with, but I am in the process of writing a novel, which I do consider to be work. She hasn't interfered with that, either.

 

[Bystander]

(snip)
Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.

He suggested coming over today to keep me company. I said it wasn't necessary. As he was leaving, he said he would stop by and I said I would be asleep most of the day.

So it's his rather alarming behavior that makes me want to put a complete stop to it ASAP. I can deal with pushy, but this is a little more than just pushy.
Bah- that's how upset I am- I can't even spell.

I'd say it's past the "awkward" stage already --- hurt feelings are his problem, not yours, nor your brother's. Explain to your brother that his "friend" is a creep, and that if he would pass along the information that you will be calling the cops vis a vis establishing the groundwork for a peace bond, or worse, you would appreciate it. You have no option in the situation you have described but to go "nuclear."

 

[Smurf]

Yeah that's just creepy. Just tell him to bugger off.

 

[Evo]

Well, it's only been one day, poor guy was smitten with you. Hopefully he will take the hint and move on to greener pastures. You are right in nipping this in the bud instead of waiting.

Have you tried spinach and garlic, heavy on the onions? The spinach between the teeth and the onion and garlic breath are great at discouraging potential suitors. Just smile a lot and breath heavily whenever he's near. Maybe you could chew on your toenails in front of him? (I read a recent survey that said 27% of college students admitted to chewing on their toenails!)

 

[brewnog]

My sister fancied one of my mates once.

He waited until we were in a room full of our friends, before shouting "STOP FLIRTING WITH ME!" at her. It did the trick!

 

[Pengwuino]

Have you tried spinach and garlic, heavy on the onions? The spinach between the teeth and the onion and garlic breath are great at discouraging potential suitors. Just smile a lot and breath heavily whenever he's near. Maybe you could chew on your toenails in front of him? (I read a recent survey that said 27% of college students admitted to chewing on their toenails!)

Are there normal people in this country??!

 

[honestrosewater]

Well, I had a talk with my brother. He hasn't stopped by again yet, so maybe he got the message.
And, no, the normal people all went to Canada but were soon kicked out. I think they settled in Washington but were eaten by the local Bigfoot.