Is Acme Klein Bottle the Funniest Non-Orientable Surface?

[Ian_Brooks]

Need a zero-volume bottle?
Searching for a one-sided surface?
Want the ultimate in non-orientability?
Get an ACME KLEIN BOTTLE!
http://www.kleinbottle.com/index.htmhttp://img523.imageshack.us/img523/8122/giantkleinbotandcliff2.jpg the funniest part has to be the guarantee!

http://www.kleinbottle.com/guarantee.htm]We[/PLAIN] at Acme Klein Bottle strive to create the finest nonorientable surfaces and hope that you will be satisfied with your new Acme manifold. For this reason, we are pleased to offer this UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE complete with these conditions:

* We unconditionally guarantee your Acme Klein Bottle to be free of any defects in workmanship or workwomanship for a period of ONE YEAR following purchase. If you aren't satisfied with your Acme Klein Bottle -- for any reason -- just return it for a refund or replacement. You pick up shipping charges.
* We guarantee safe arrival. If your Klein Bottle arrives broken, call or send email and we will immediately send a replacement.
* We slightly guarantee your Klein Bottle for THREE MONTHS against any cracks or breakage, whether due to earthquakes, clumsy undergrads, or greasy fingers. Just mail us a fragment and $10, and we will send a replacement.
* We warrant each Acme Klein Bottle for a period of FIVE YEARS to be absolutely free of any magnetic monopoles. If you discover one, contact us immediately and we will refund your purchase price right after claiming the Nobel Prize.
* Furthermore, we guarantee for TEN YEARS that any polyhedron spanning your unbroken Acme Klein Bottle will have about as many edges as the sum of its vertices plus faces.
* We further warrant for ONE MILLION YEARS that within a Euclidean plane, the square of a right triangle's hypotenuse will equal the sum of the squares of the two remaining legs.

In addition, Acme's provides this exclusive LIFETIME GUARANTEE: We guarantee that you will live your entire lifetime, or double your money back.

Acme's unconditional guarantee has the condition that we do not warrant any Klein bottle against the actions of cats, ferrets, or axolotls. We will NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE for any incidents relating to these beasts of burden whatsoever in any form or spatial dimension.


All other warranties, express and implied, are null and void except during total solar eclipses. Purchaser shall have the option at his, hers, or its sole discretion, to try to collect on this guarantee. Guarantee void if a substantial portion of the Klein bottle leaks into the 4th dimension. The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.

surely this can't be written by a PF'er ... or could it?

 

[Ian_Brooks]

Even more!

Like ACME's other fine Klein Bottles, this is handcrafted from pure Borosilicate Glass ... Pyrex, Kimax, Bomex, or Simax. It has a bulk density: 2.23 gm/cm3 and expands just 0.000326% per degree C. This means that it'll shrink only a few microns when you trek from Tucson to Nome. Nor should you worry about it dissolving -- we have tested samples in water, acetone, methyl-ethyl-ketone, air, and jello.

 

[Ian_Brooks]

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/8856/topmoutherlstrhan2.jpg

Even nicer: this design works as a barometer! Partially fill the bottle with colored water, and the water level will fluctuate with temperature and barometric pressure. Add a funnel and it becomes a precipitation gauge. By placing a photocell next to it, you can measure the solar luminosity and even determine if it's day or night. Hey - with a little practice, you can tell when it's raining outside. Thanks to Acme's advanced topological engineering, you'll be able to quit math and get a real job predicting the weather!

 

[Ian_Brooks]

http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/4227/twomugs5.jpg
http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/6005/mugdiagram.gif

Acme's Klein Bottle Mug holds about a pint. There's ~230 mL in the outer chamber (which topologists will recognize as equivalent to the inner chamber) and ~250 mL in the inner chamber (which topologists claim to be the same as the outer chamber). You can fill the inside with coffee and the outside with tea. Or Coke and Pepsi. Or Chardonnay and Zinfandel. However, realize that the outer chamber (which topologically connects to the inner chamber) is almost impossible to clean, so don't pour in any milk.

The handle does triple duty: It connects the inner and outer chambers, provides a topological hole, and gives you a way to conveniently grasp the mug. We've designed the handle to be fully ambidexterous -- yes, your Acme Drinking Mug Klein Bottle fits either hand. Indeed, it's possible to hold it with both hands simultaneously. And since it has no preferred angular momentum vector, you can swish your drink either clockwise or counterclockwise.

And if that's not enough, the outer chamber (which is topologically the inner chamber) insulates the inner chamber (which topologically is also the outer chamber). The 7 mm air space separates the inside from the outside, so ice water won't cause condensation. This extends the life of hot or cold drinks, saves energy, and helps stave off the dreaded local thermodynamic equilibrium. Even better, thanks to the exclusive Acme Concave Mug Bottom, no extraneous feet are needed!

But be careful. As a day-to-day cup, well, this isn't practical. It's hard to get liquids in and out of the outer chamber. A length of flexible tubing can relieve the obvious airlock; otherwise, it's a lot of tilt-and-pour. And once wet, the chamber is difficult to dry -- surface tension holds water up at the very top. (Alcohol is useful in drying, as is an aquarium style air pump). So treat this as a topological novelty - not as a utilitarian drinking mug.

This Klein Stein is ideal for the mathematical physicist who needs a glass of water while accepting her Nobel Prize. Perfect for the Silicon Valley programmer swigging Jolt on an allnighter. Just the thing to quench the thirst of the multibillionaire following a leveraged buyout of the US government. Indeed, think of all the seminars, colloquia, interviews, and funerals that would be jazzed up with an Acme Klein Bottle Mug at your side.

Now, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, this multipurpose Klein Bottle is available for a mere $80 -- cheaper than sending a spaceprobe most of the way to Mars!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img523.imageshack.us/img523/8122/giantkleinbotandcliff2.jpg

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I think you can get those at your local head shop.