Is Flirting Tolerable in Steady Relationships?

[Loren Booda]

Should those in steady relationships tolerate flirting, and if so, to what degree?

 

[Saladsamurai]

Who is doing the flirting? Do you mean other singles flirting with persons in a relationship? If so, are they aware that the flirtee is in a relationship?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I suppose it depends on what constitutes flirting. I would say that much of the way I interact with the opposite sex is not so different than the way I interact with the same sex. Of course if I talk, smile, laugh, touch in a familiar way with a female it is usually automatically perceived as flirting (at least from a third party perspective). If I talk and laugh with the guys, though, and touch them in a friendly way it is not seen as anything (unless I am touching them in certain ways though I guess). People usually simply do not want their significant other interacting with other (usually attractive) people in a very friendly way and probably mostly because they do not trust their significant other.

 

[Loren Booda]

Who is doing the flirting? Do you mean other singles flirting with persons in a relationship? If so, are they aware that the flirtee is in a relationship?

When one in a couple obviously tries to attract, in turn, the attention of other people they are sexually attracted to.

 

[Saladsamurai]

Oh I see. Hmmm... I can't say that I would like my significant other flirting with others, but, I think that I do it sometimes. So, I would have to say that it might be OK so long as it was harmless and I didn't know about it. We have been together for over 5 years, so I trust her fully and she trusts me.

 

[MotoH]

Flirting whilst in a relationship. The offenders should be sent to the Gulag for that.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Should those in steady relationships tolerate flirting, and if so, to what degree?

Whether you tolerate it or not depends on why she's doing it.

If you're a guy and your girl is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:

1.) She has only been with you cause nothing better has come along. She wants to jump ship.

2.) She's been outright using you (for money, goods, a place to stay, etc.) She sees someone she actually wants to have sex with.

3.) She's really into you and wants to test how into her you are. She's insecure and wants you to get jealous.

4,) She's into you but she thinks you have a possessiveness issue and she's trying to train you to get over it.

5.) She's into you but things have gotten boring between you lately and she wants admiration from a fresh pair of eyes to feel attractive and sparky again.

 

[GeorginaS]

Whether you tolerate it or not depends on why she's doing it.

If you're a guy and your girl is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:

1.) She has only been with you cause nothing better has come along. She wants to jump ship.

2.) She's been outright using you (for money, goods, a place to stay, etc.) She sees someone she actually wants to have sex with.

3.) She's really into you and wants to test how into her you are. She's insecure and wants you to get jealous.

4,) She's into you but she thinks you have a possessiveness issue and she's trying to train you to get over it.

5.) She's into you but things have gotten boring between you lately and she wants admiration from a fresh pair of eyes to feel attractive and sparky again.

And if you're a girl and your guy is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:(?)

[Your insights fascinate me. I'd like to hear what you think is operating in the opposite direction.]

 

[Kajahtava]

Whether you tolerate it or not depends on why she's doing it.

If you're a guy and your girl is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:

1.) She has only been with you cause nothing better has come along. She wants to jump ship.

2.) She's been outright using you (for money, goods, a place to stay, etc.) She sees someone she actually wants to have sex with.

3.) She's really into you and wants to test how into her you are. She's insecure and wants you to get jealous.

4,) She's into you but she thinks you have a possessiveness issue and she's trying to train you to get over it.

5.) She's into you but things have gotten boring between you lately and she wants admiration from a fresh pair of eyes to feel attractive and sparky again.

If this forum had karma you'd get one.

Always a prize to see people realize that one situation can have many different causes, too seldom it is observed.

 

[Cyrus]

And if you're a girl and your guy is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:(?)

[Your insights fascinate me. I'd like to hear what you think is operating in the opposite direction.]

That you're one boring girl.

 

[Kajahtava]

Nahh, it means what it says right there, you're a girl and you're dating a guy.

 

[GeorginaS]

That you're one boring girl.

Or I'm easily entertained. One or the other.

 

[GreatEscapist]

Well, it depends. Is it harmless?
Yes?

Then don't freak out about it. Nothing is going on- just friendly flirting. That happens. It's even normal and funny.
But if your other has a *problem* with that (in a non-creepy/possessive way), then for god's sake don't do it. That's inconsiderate.

And don't do it to piss off, hurt, or make your other jealous. If that happens in a relationship, someone needs to grow up.

 

[GreatEscapist]

Or I'm easily entertained. One or the other.

Heehe. Props to that. :D

 

[Evo]

When one in a couple obviously tries to attract, in turn, the attention of other people they are sexually attracted to.

Not if the non-flirting partner is bothered by it.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Whether you tolerate it or not depends on why she's doing it.

If you're a guy and your girl is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:

1.) She has only been with you cause nothing better has come along. She wants to jump ship.

2.) She's been outright using you (for money, goods, a place to stay, etc.) She sees someone she actually wants to have sex with.

3.) She's really into you and wants to test how into her you are. She's insecure and wants you to get jealous.

4,) She's into you but she thinks you have a possessiveness issue and she's trying to train you to get over it.

5.) She's into you but things have gotten boring between you lately and she wants admiration from a fresh pair of eyes to feel attractive and sparky again.

This assumes that the person is indeed "flirting" and not just generally interacting with a person, as well that you are capable of telling the difference.

 

[GreatEscapist]

This assumes that the person is indeed "flirting" and not just generally interacting with a person, as well that you are capable of telling the difference.

That's the problem, isn't it? :P

 

[Kajahtava]

This assumes that the person is indeed "flirting" and not just generally interacting with a person, as well that you are capable of telling the difference.

It's a continuum anyway.

 

[GeorginaS]

I think it's pretty straightforward. The list supplied by Zoobyshoe sounds a whole lot like all kinds of game-playing to me, and I really have no time for any of that kind of stuff.

I think there are some pretty easy guidelines. If your behaviour is hurtful to your partner, then don't do it. If that particular behaviour is intrinsic to who you are, then you need a new partner who isn't hurt by it. If your partner is being irrational or over-the-top insecure and/or trying to control you by objecting to your behaviour, then get another partner; that one is broken.

 

[GreatEscapist]

I think it's pretty straightforward. The list supplied by Zoobyshoe sounds a whole lot like all kinds of game-playing to me, and I really have no time for any of that kind of stuff.

I think there are some pretty easy guidelines. If your behaviour is hurtful to your partner, then don't do it. If that particular behaviour is intrinsic to who you are, then you need a new partner who isn't hurt by it. If your partner is being irrational or over-the-top insecure and/or trying to control you by objecting to your behaviour, then get another partner; that one is broken.

*thumbs up*
Bingo.

 

[Kajahtava]

If only love were that simple. I doubt your love life would work that well if you just live by such simple to formulate principles. Also, I enjoy a bit of dubiousness once in a while. Relationships wouldn't be fun without a little bit of battle, trying to control the other party in a battle of wits and duplicity to some extend, makes it more exiting.

 

[GreatEscapist]

If only love were that simple. I doubt your love life would work that well if you just live by such simple to formulate principles. Also, I enjoy a bit of dubiousness once in a while. Relationships wouldn't be fun without a little bit of battle, trying to control the other party in a battle of wits and duplicity to some extend, makes it more exiting.

Basic relationships and that stuff are built off of "formulated principals". It's not regulated with harsh conditions, but for god's sake, based on personality types, you need some semblance of structure.

That is that simple. Not necessarily love itself.

 

[Kajahtava]

Basic relationships and that stuff are built off of "formulated principals". It's not regulated with harsh conditions, but for god's sake, based on personality types, you need some semblance of structure.

I don't believe in personality types actually. Different people type the same people differently I've observed. To one person, Picard is a humble man, to another he's an arrogant pompous bragger.

I keep my structure to my programming actually, I live a very unstructured life, my day and night rhythm is out of sync, I like things to be inpraedictable. If there are rules, they should be unwritten.

That is that simple. Not necessarily love itself.

Why? The world is a complex place, different situations call for different solutions, and the same situation at a different times does so too.

I have no principles to live by, I decide at the moment itself what's best for that specific situation. And I fully believe that it is possible that for instance I would murder a man because there is a possible situation that the pros outweigh the cons, like murdering a man to save two other men.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

It's a continuum anyway.

This is part of the issue. There seems to be an arbitrary cultural demarcation between friendliness and attraction. "Attraction" automatically implies "sexual attraction" and "sexual attraction" automatically implies some impurity or infidelity. It would seem more logical to me to separate the two, a continuum of attraction which may or may not overlap with a sexual context. And perhaps more importantly we should drop the notion that attraction in a sexual context equates to impurity or infidelity.

I think it's pretty straightforward. The list supplied by Zoobyshoe sounds a whole lot like all kinds of game-playing to me, and I really have no time for any of that kind of stuff.

I would have to agree. I can not imagine tolerating any of those scenarios.

I think there are some pretty easy guidelines. If your behaviour is hurtful to your partner, then don't do it. If that particular behaviour is intrinsic to who you are, then you need a new partner who isn't hurt by it. If your partner is being irrational or over-the-top insecure and/or trying to control you by objecting to your behaviour, then get another partner; that one is broken.

It is possible that my partner's perception of my behaviour is what is hurting them. Their perception of my behaviour could also be hurting me. A relationship without trust does not seem healthy for either partner. If two people love each other then they should be capable of discussing the issue, finding the root of the problem, and fixing it. If it hurts my partner that I am friendly with another person then there seems to be some trust issue. If I simply cease to interact with other persons whom my partner does not trust me to interact with it only ignores the problem, it does not erase the trust issue and it may well manifest in other ways.

edit: I am not disagreeing with you really. I am only adding that there may be more complex issues and solutions depending on circumstances, especially in the area being discussed in the OP.

 

[GreatEscapist]

I don't believe in personality types actually. Different people type the same people differently I've observed. To one person, Picard is a humble man, to another he's an arrogant pompous bragger.

I keep my structure to my programming actually, I live a very unstructured life, my day and night rhythm is out of sync, I like things to be inpraedictable. If there are rules, they should be unwritten.

Well, you don't believe in personality types? Let me try again, it depends on who the people are. People are different, have different opinions/values, etc.

If things are too unpredictable, without any structure, the relationship will not be able to last. There has to be a foundation.

That's why the flirting depends on who is being involved, and the situation.

 

[Kajahtava]

Well, you don't believe in personality types? Let me try again, it depends on who the people are. People are different, have different opinions/values, etc.

Sure.

If things are too unpredictable, without any structure, the relationship will not be able to last.

I'd see that as a lack of spontaneousness, I wouldn't like any 'rules', I'd like to test their limits and expect the other party to do the same.

There has to be a foundation.

Well, what does this have to do with foundation? And why does there have to be one in the first place?

That's why the flirting depends on who is being involved, and the situation.

That's absolutely true, but I don't see what this has to do with structure.

 

[fictionftw]

I think zoobyshoe's post was pretty correct. There are a bunch of reasons why people flirt, but I think the important thing to consider is: is the flirting intentional?

If yes, then you have a problem, and you guys have to talk about something, because intentionally trying to attract someone else while in a relationship means there is probably an issue with the relationship/person.

If no, you first have to decide if it's part of their personality, and if you are the kind of person that can handle that. For some people, a flirtatious, charming demeanor is just a part of their personality. If you are dating a natural flirt, then you should already know this, and so if it bugs you, then you need to either get over it, or end the relationship. I, personally, can get really jealous, which is why I would never date a flirt. I'm never attracted to them either, excessive flirting just seems disingenuous. But, hey, whatever floats your boat. Also, this type of harmless natural flirt, will flirt with anything that moves. I knew this one guy that would chat up small children, old ladies, middle aged men - seriously, ANYBODY was fair game.

If he's not being intentionally flirty, but is nevertheless uncharacteristically flirty (or flirtatious only around attractive, well-endowed women), then I think you have an issue. If your normally attentive-to-you, relaxed boyfriend suddenly becomes VERY interested, very braggy/jokey with the double D waitresses whenever you eat out, then I would be pissed, and I think I would be justified. I think to some degree, guys can't help it if they see something very, um, visually pleasing, but I think if he acts on it by trying to chat up the waitress, then you have a problem, and need to point out his behavior.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

If yes, then you have a problem, and you guys have to talk about something, because intentionally trying to attract someone else while in a relationship means there is probably an issue with the relationship/person.

This is part of why I see there is a problem with construing "attraction" as "sexual attraction". I am "attracted" to all of my friends, male and female. When I meet a person to whom I am "attracted" I attempt to "attract" them to me. Is there some reason why you should necessarily perceive a sexual context in a mans "attraction" to a woman? And is there really necessarily any reason to be concerned about that sexual context? The likelihood seems to be that if a heterosexual male and female are friends there is most likely a sexual context regardless of how strong that context is or the likelihood that they will act on it.

 

[Lisa!]

Whether you tolerate it or not depends on why she's doing it.

If you're a guy and your girl is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:

1.) She has only been with you cause nothing better has come along. She wants to jump ship.

2.) She's been outright using you (for money, goods, a place to stay, etc.) She sees someone she actually wants to have sex with.

3.) She's really into you and wants to test how into her you are. She's insecure and wants you to get jealous.

4,) She's into you but she thinks you have a possessiveness issue and she's trying to train you to get over it.

5.) She's into you but things have gotten boring between you lately and she wants admiration from a fresh pair of eyes to feel attractive and sparky again.

Add to the list:
She thinks you're too open-minded to care about these stuff

 

[zoobyshoe]

And if you're a girl and your guy is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:(?)

[Your insights fascinate me. I'd like to hear what you think is operating in the opposite direction.]

I'm sorry. I cannot just blurt out the inner workings of the male psyche. You'll have to earn your insights into it through blood, tears, toil, and sweat, just as I earned what meager understanding of women I possess.

 

[zoobyshoe]

If this forum had karma you'd get one.

Always a prize to see people realize that one situation can have many different causes, too seldom it is observed.

I'm not sure what "karma" is in forum-speak, but it sounds like a good thing, so thanks!

 

[Norman.Galois]

No offense but I sense a lot of judgements here are made through personal insecurities which is no better than the flirtie.

I'm friendly with both sexes. I smile, I touch them, and so on. If someone can't handle that, clearly I can't handle them and I cut the rope.

I can not tolerate insecurity.

Sexual flirting is also ok in my books but ONLY if the person has a handle on their sexuality. I see most guys will sleep with any girl period. That guy has no control. If a girl is sexy, I won't shy away from saying it. My girlfriend would think I'm dumb if I didn't check out a hot girl walking by but then again we have different tastes. I won't shy away from saying a guy is good looking either.

Just beware not to make decisions and judgements based on insecurities. I've been a roamer in this forum long enough to know that insecurity is very high here. But that's typical in the general population anyways.

 

[zoobyshoe]

If no, you first have to decide if it's part of their personality, and if you are the kind of person that can handle that. For some people, a flirtatious, charming demeanor is just a part of their personality.

This reminded me of something I forgot to put on my list. It applies to both men and women:

6.)They are establishing their worth, value, status, for all to see. (Providing the flirting is reciprocated in all cases,) they are sending (or trying to send) the general message that they are high status, generally attractive, popular people: alphas, leaders, celebrities.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

While musing on this topic at work I remembered a funny and somewhat relevant anecdote.

I was thinking about some women that I have known that were incredibly affectionate and "touchy feely" people. Many unfortunate men fell into the belief that these women were attracted to them due to the manner in which these women interacted with them, myself not excluded. These women were also often undeservedly labeled as sluts because of their rather open and "flirtatious" habits. It might seem by my description that they were just manipulating and using men, many felt that way, but they were really just genuinely sweet and happy people that liked to smile and laugh a lot and get and give hugs and sometimes pecks on the cheek.

Of these women there is only one that to this day I have no idea whether or not she was actually interested in me. At the time I was still incredibly shy and the experience of having been shot down by every single girl I had ever got up the gumption to ask out, which subsequently led most of them to no longer speak to me, left me rather afraid to risk what pleasure I had in spending time with her by actually asking her on a date. The real torture came in the several painfully ambiguous situations with her that I found myself in. That night when she told me she wanted me to come over so she could show me her CD collection I raised an eyebrow and when she followed that up with "Don't worry, my parents aren't home" I could not keep myself from laughing. Knowing her I am certain that she was actually rather keen on showing me her CD collection and that the "coast is clear" signal was really because her parents were oppressively protective of her; we were not allowed in the same room together alone with the door closed.

Its now been about ten years since the last time I was in communication with her, but... just about two years ago I saw her again for the first time at a movie theatre. The problem was, and the point of interest in all of this is, that I was there on a first date with a woman I had recently met. I had already somewhat gotten to know my date before this and I was aware that all of her exboyfriends had cheated on her and she was rather insecure about men and dating. So walking out of the theatre together holding hands I looked up to suddenly find myself faced with, on my first date with this lovely and admittedly insecure woman, a rather unpleasant dilemma; Do I, or do I not, break away from my date and approach a drop dead gorgeous redhead, who will likely light up and throw her arms around my neck, so I can ask her for her phone number and then face the further question of just how upright and honest a fellow to be under the inevitable "Who was she?" line of interrogation? From the opening of this paragraph I am certain you can figure out what my decision was. And my blissfully unaware date of that evening decided two weeks later that we should not date any longer.

Incredibly frustrating, though I can still laugh about it. :-)

 

[Kajahtava]

I think zoobyshoe's post was pretty correct. There are a bunch of reasons why people flirt, but I think the important thing to consider is: is the flirting intentional?

If yes, then you have a problem, and you guys have to talk about something, because intentionally trying to attract someone else while in a relationship means there is probably an issue with the relationship/person.

That, or the relationship is so strong that either of you just doesn't care about stuff like that too much?

Claiming you're not attracted to other people and only like your partner is more often than not just lying to your partner and yourself, let it out, it's healthy.