Is There Hope for Forgiveness After a Cheating and Lying Girlfriend?

[connornm777]

I recently found out that my girlfriend of a year has cheated on me a few months ago and then lied to my face about it. Even though all she actually did was make out, she did it with four guys on the same night.

The next day she had this hickey on her neck, and told me that it was I who did it. I didn't remember doing it, but I figured it is very possible for me to forget something like that, and it didn't even cross my mind that she would lie to me. Now I just feel like an idiot.

She kept this secret for a long time, in spite of me being supportive and trying to make her feel better whenever she came over my place feeling down (which, btw, was becoming exhaustingly frequent). Then, she only decided to tell me after we were laying in bed and I mentioned I'd be fine with it if she slept with other guys (Just a personal thing, it doesn't bother me if I feel secure enough, which at that point I did.) She then probably thought this was perfect because hey, I wouldn't be mad about that one time she made out with four guys and she could now finally get it off her chest!

Turns she did it out of spite, because she was mad that 'I didn't want to hang out' (had homework), so she coped by going out and making out with some guys. I'd like to clarify here that for me it's not the actual cheating that hurt (as I've stated before), but the abuse of trust, the lying, and me being humiliated. My perception of her as a person was also definitely been knocked down a few pegs. If she was honest right away it probably wouldn't have been a big deal, but now I feel like all her words lost credibility.

Yet in spite of all of this, I really don't want to leave her. I don't know if I'm just afraid of being alone, or she actually is worth forgiving. Everything besides this incident has been pretty good, and I don't doubt that she likes me and wants to stay with me. I've hung out with her every weekend to keep myself burning out from school, and I honestly think I'd be worse off without her.

Thanks to anyone who reads this wall of text. And double thanks to anyone who offers advice.

 

[Charmar]

Having the limitied view of a few paragraphs condensing a whole relationship.

I'd say find someone you can trust. Anyone worth their salt should be able to find a better solution to being unhappy with their mate being busy, especially if it is something important like schoolwork. There is a lot of fish out there, find one you are worthy of catching.

 

[dipole]

Having the limitied view of a few paragraphs condensing a whole relationship.

I'd say find someone you can trust. Anyone worth their salt should be able to find a better solution to being unhappy with their mate being busy, especially if it is something important like schoolwork. There is a lot of fish out there, find one you are worthy of catching.

No, he should find one worth being caught.

Honestly, dump this girl. If my girlfriend (of a year and half) confessed this to me today I would drop her in a heartbeat, there is no excuse for that kind of betrayal, least of all from someone you've opened your heart to.

It might hurt at first but you'll respect yourself for it later on.

 

[BobG]

So, essentially, this is what happened.

Logically, what she does with other guys shouldn't matter to your relationship with her.

In practice, "Crap! The logic doesn't work! It still makes me mad!"

Logically, you shouldn't put up with someone you can't trust (or whatever other excuse you made for the logic not working).

In practice, "Crap! The logic doesn't work! I still feel miserable when she's gone!"

http://xkcd.com/55/

Love isn't rocket science. If it were then your car would probably melt:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4WHG_GgKdI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4WHG_GgKdI

 

[connornm777]

Logically, what she does with other guys shouldn't matter to your relationship with her.

In practice, "Crap! The logic doesn't work! It still makes me mad!"

Actually, that one can work in practice with me. I understand the appeal and excitement of doing things with new people, and in the past it has re-sparked relationships after they start getting boring.

What I'm upset about here was her lying and intentionally doing something that, for all she-knew, would've hurt me.

 

[Evo]

I say find someone that respects you. Obviously this girl doesn't. And if she doesn't now, it's unlikely she ever will.

 

[arildno]

She might well love you, IN HER OWN WAY.
But, you really should make it clear to her that that isn't good enough for you. As Evo says, this really boils down to her lack of respect for YOU.

 

[Astronuc]

Turns she did it out of spite, because she was mad that 'I didn't want to hang out' (had homework), . . . .

That's problematic, besides being immature.

There are two issues - her behavior (spiteful and immature) and your trust (of her).

Does one trust the other? If not, it's perhaps better to move on in search of a relationship in which one can trust the other.

Is this a relationship of convenience, or does one see this relationship developing into a more long-term or perament relationship?

 

[Mentallic]

Did she keep it from you just because she didn't want you to get upset with her, or did she fear it would break you guys up?

 

[256bits]

Actually, that one can work in practice with me. I understand the appeal and excitement of doing things with new people, and in the past it has re-sparked relationships after they start getting boring.

What I'm upset about here was her lying and intentionally doing something that, for all she-knew, would've hurt me.

So you are the type of guy who is OK with your girlfriend going out and having a fling with someone else as long as she asks your permission, but if she does it on her own initiative and tells you afterwards you flip out.

How is the rest of the dynamics in the relationship? Do you consider yourself a type of control freak? Some of the words used to describe your reaction to her admission are really bothering ( humiliation, idiot, abuse of trust, lying, cheating, lost credibility, lack of honesty ), especially since you in all sincerity, do not mind her performing with other guys.

Who really has the greater respect for the other is a question here.

 

[jgens]

So you are the type of guy who is OK with your girlfriend going out and having a fling with someone else as long as she asks your permission, but if she does it on her own initiative and tells you afterwards you flip out.

This does not follow from the OP nor from the excerpt that you quoted.

 

[256bits]

This does not follow from the OP nor from the excerpt that you quoted.

Then I quote
Permission granted is OK:

I mentioned I'd be fine with it if she slept with other guys (Just a personal thing, it doesn't bother me if I feel secure enough, which at that point I did.)

Permission not granted:

She then probably thought this was perfect because hey, I wouldn't be mad about that one time she made out with four guys and she could now finally get it off her chest!

and

I'd like to clarify here that for me it's not the actual cheating that hurt (as I've stated before), but the abuse of trust, the lying, and me being humiliated. My perception of her as a person was also definitely been knocked down a few pegs. If she was honest right away it probably wouldn't have been a big deal, but now I feel like all her words lost credibility.

 

[connornm777]

So I talked to her yesterday, and we both agreed to not see each other for awhile. We are just going to try and get used to life without the other person, but with possibility of getting back together after the school year.

Is this a relationship of convenience, or does one see this relationship developing into a more long-term or perament relationship?

This is what I kept asking myself, and I really think a lot of the reason I wanted to stay was because I was comfortable having someone around to cuddle with ect., which isn't really a good reason on it's own.

So you are the type of guy who is OK with your girlfriend going out and having a fling with someone else as long as she asks your permission, but if she does it on her own initiative and tells you afterwards you flip out.

I didn't 'flip out', nor am I the type of person who typically 'flips out' but I'll reiterate again, the part that hurts is the lying.
Emotions are funny things, what may seem really painful to one person may not bother another, and vice versa.
Hence, cheating itself doesn't bother me, but I'm easily hurt when someone lies to the degree she did.

No, I'm not a control freak either. I'd be okay with her doing things under her own initiative as long as she didn't actively lie about it. In this situation, I didn't even ask her about the marks on her neck, she'd thought it'd be less suspicious if she brought it up herself, which seems like a pretty calculated plan to deceive me about something she thought was important.

It's like someone shooting you with an unloaded gun that they thought was loaded. It's the fact they pulled the trigger, and would've shot for real if the gun were loaded (i.e I wasn't okay with cheating) that the sense of betrayal comes from.

 

[jgens]

Then I quote ...

The funny thing about the excerpts you quoted is that I come to a completely different conclusion: The OP is the kind of person who is alright with his romantic partner having flings, provided that she asks if having flings in general is alright. This seems a whole lot less controlling to me and actually is pretty reasonable in my opinion. The OPs girlfriend also did lie to him about it, so I think that his concerns about lying are fairly legitimate too, and I think that this concern is justifiable regardless of whether he is alright with his girlfriend having flings or not.

Now my conclusion does not follow from the quoted excerpts either, it is an interpretation of what the OP said, but the point is that it is absurd to assume that the OP is a controlling person. The OPs clarification

 

[256bits]

the part that hurts is the lying.

I can identify with that aspect, with any acquaintance, close or not.

There is the 'white lie' which, although if being altruistic, still does tend to cause problems since it is still a lie, and considered calculated and deceitful as you have stated, when everything comes out into the open. A lie is a lie no matter which way it lands in your lap.

Perhaps some time off is the best.
My concerns about some ambiguity I thought I noticed have been cleared up.

 

[256bits]

The funny thing about the excerpts you quoted is that I come to a completely different conclusion: ...

Acknowledged.

 

[Drakkith]

May I ask how old you two are? Age CAN make a difference here. Young folks tend to simply not understand the, uhh, subtleties of relationships. Well, a lot of people don't regardless of age, but younger people especially.

 

[connornm777]

We are both 20. Still young I suppose, but past the painfully awkward years of relationships.

 

[alan2]

Oh no, you won't be past the painfully awkward part for a very long time, if ever. It's just starting.

 

[Drakkith]

We are both 20. Still young I suppose, but past the painfully awkward years of relationships.

Well, the best advice I can give you is to realize that sex is mostly meaningless on it's own. IE if you have sex with someone it doesn't mean you love them, that you don't love them, nothing. While I believe sex is usually important in a happy relationship, I believe it is effectively "icing on the cake". Look at your relationship. Do you enjoy all the non-sexual parts? Can you confide and trust this person? Does she think and act in ways that you enjoy and can handle without effort. (IE you don't have to continually justify her actions because you don't immediately approve of them, like saying "well, that's just the way she is") Do you find you have to "watch yourself" around her because she doesn't approve of stuff you do. Or vice-versa.

Seeing as how she apparently cheated on you because you "didn't want to hang out with her", it appears that she doesn't understand that her life is NOT more important than yours. However, I don't know the details of your relationship, and I haven't heard her side, which is pretty much ALWAYS different, even if she's explained it to you. The way people feel is rarely exactly how they explain it. And not because they are trying to fool you, but because it can be extremely difficult to convey emotions and feelings through language.

Since she kept it from you for so long I would guess that she probably cares about you, or at least about the relationship. I don't think people usually keep things like this to themselves if they don't care about the other person, although it can happen. However there is no excuse for something like this at all. Had this been the first few days or something that you guys had started dating, and depending on how your relationship had evolved since then, it MIGHT be understandable, but I don't think that's the case here.

It appears from your original post that she was starting to become really down and depressed. Did this start to happen before or after the "incident"?

 

[connornm777]

Well, she was somewhat depressed before and after the incident. She was also pretty passive aggressive and unpleasant to be around in general during this time period.

However, other than that couple months it has been a great relationship. While regular sex is nice, I think the best part is just having someone to touch and be really affectionate towards. We'd often just compliment each other in really cheesy couple ways and do lot's of little nice things for each other (bring food, cook, give massage).

Oh no, you won't be past the painfully awkward part for a very long time, if ever. It's just starting.

I consider myself a socially awkward person in general, but nothing is worse (so far) than the hormone-induced emotional retardation of being 16.

 

[Drakkith]

Just remember to ask yourself if you want her back because you miss HER, or you miss being with SOMEONE. Like you said, getting the affection and all that is nice, but it isn't everything a relationship is about, and frankly it's the easiest part of the relationship and you can get it from practically anyone. Ask yourself, does SHE make you happy, or does having someone there to be affectionate with make you happy? Don't feel bad if you can't immediately answer this question, as it is a difficult one and many times it can be hard to tell the difference between the two.

In the end the person who has to make this decision is yourself, so take your time. I honestly have some similar problems with people. I don't know when to give them a chance and when not too after they've done something wrong.

 

[SunnyBoyNY]

However, other than that couple months it has been a great relationship. While regular sex is nice, I think the best part is just having someone to touch and be really affectionate towards. We'd often just compliment each other in really cheesy couple ways and do lot's of little nice things for each other (bring food, cook, give massage).

While I do not possesses decades of experience as other contributors seem to do, I had a similar experience in college. From what I have seen, relationships such as yours do not tend to survive much beyond graduation. Some relationships, which have been very strong and built on a complete trust since the beginning, have been recently blossoming into marriages. For me, I found my wife years after college, when both she and I slowly built the relationship on emotional friendship and care. The physical aspect came much later (and that was one of the best decisions we've made).

Cheer up and good luck with the hunt.