- #1
Azmodan
- 4
- 0
Hello my EE brethren,
I'm currently working on my Master's with thesis in E&M Engineering, with an emphasis on RF, and I'm absolutely depressed out of my mind. Despite my loving of everything about the science behind the subject and the fact that I'm doing extremely well, I feel that I have sacrificed 100% of my well being and mental health to get to the point I'm at. I'm so obsessed with doing well in school, my job and doing research with my professor that I've completely stopped hanging out with friends, seeing family and doing things I enjoy. I can't even exercise something I once enjoyed doing without feeling the guilt of non-progressiveness, as if there's always work to be done, something to be designed or to be solved.
My obsession with perfection has turned into self loathing as well as loathing of others. I feel indifferent of myself for not being better, knowing more than I know now, and for having any ebbing thoughts of complacency. The enduring stress this causes leads to the rage I have for those who do nothing with their lives and who don't contribute/want to contribute to society in any way. These impressions have had me withdraw from the world. I then feel overwhelming guilt for imposing what I enforce upon myself on others(it's their lives, they can do whatever they want if it makes them happy. Why should they live up to the same precipitous standards I have set for myself?), which then further intensifies my hatred for myself. It's just a vicious cycle of indifference I just can't seem to escape from. I feel at times suicidal, as if what's the point of existing if my life is based entirely on obsession and apathy?
I'm sorry, I know this isn't a psychological forum, but I figured some of you would understand what I'm going through. Perhaps engineering is the culprit of this, or perhaps its my own way of perceiving it that is the culprit? I don't know...
Azmodan
I'm currently working on my Master's with thesis in E&M Engineering, with an emphasis on RF, and I'm absolutely depressed out of my mind. Despite my loving of everything about the science behind the subject and the fact that I'm doing extremely well, I feel that I have sacrificed 100% of my well being and mental health to get to the point I'm at. I'm so obsessed with doing well in school, my job and doing research with my professor that I've completely stopped hanging out with friends, seeing family and doing things I enjoy. I can't even exercise something I once enjoyed doing without feeling the guilt of non-progressiveness, as if there's always work to be done, something to be designed or to be solved.
My obsession with perfection has turned into self loathing as well as loathing of others. I feel indifferent of myself for not being better, knowing more than I know now, and for having any ebbing thoughts of complacency. The enduring stress this causes leads to the rage I have for those who do nothing with their lives and who don't contribute/want to contribute to society in any way. These impressions have had me withdraw from the world. I then feel overwhelming guilt for imposing what I enforce upon myself on others(it's their lives, they can do whatever they want if it makes them happy. Why should they live up to the same precipitous standards I have set for myself?), which then further intensifies my hatred for myself. It's just a vicious cycle of indifference I just can't seem to escape from. I feel at times suicidal, as if what's the point of existing if my life is based entirely on obsession and apathy?
I'm sorry, I know this isn't a psychological forum, but I figured some of you would understand what I'm going through. Perhaps engineering is the culprit of this, or perhaps its my own way of perceiving it that is the culprit? I don't know...
Azmodan