Need a mediator: who's right, the gf or me?

[gravenewworld]

Background: my gf is Thai and is visiting me here in the US for a month and a half


Basically we constantly fight over how I get to spend my time. I just informed her tonight that I am going to a baseball game on Fri with my guy friends and she got extremely upset and started crying. Every time I want to go and do something with my friends she starts crying, gets pissed off, or gets upset because she says that "She could have just stayed home, saved her money, and gone out with her friends back home." I understand where she is coming from, I mean I'm all she's got here and she knows no one here, but it isn't like I am kicking her to the curb. We spend 85% of the weekends together all of the time and I'd say she comes over 3/5 days during the week. I've definitely cut down on going out with my friends since she has gotten here. Some of my friends I haven't seen for about a month now. What am I supposed to do? Just spend 100% of the time while she is here with her only? Is it really that bad to ask to be alone with your guy friends or for some space once a week or several times a month? Some of my friends I've known for over 20 years, am I just supposed to kick them to the curb because she is here for a short while? If I don't hang out with the gf all the time she's gets pissed, but then if I don't at least try to hang out with some of my friends they get pissed and think that I am ditching them for the gf and think that I don't think they are really that important. Really, am I supposed to just break up my routine life completely because the gf is in town? I'm only asking for a few hours or two or 3 days out of the entire time she is here to go out and do what I want on my own without her. Is that too much to ask for? Who's right and who's wrong here?

 

[Evo]

If she's only here for 6 weeks, I say your friends can wait and you can spend time with her.

Come on, she's only here for 6 weeks. If you can't find activities that the two of you can share for a few weeks, then perhaps there is a problem.

Wasn't your last thread about getting engaged to the love of your life and buying some over priced diamond she wanted that went down the drain (the relationship, not the diamond)? Perhaps you need to take some time off between relationships?

 

[Math Is Hard]

A month and a half seems like a really long time for a visit if you're not staying with the person you are visiting. Is she staying in a hotel by herself?

 

[gravenewworld]

A month and a half seems like a really long time for a visit if you're not staying with the person you are visiting. Is she staying in a hotel by herself?

Aunt's house

 

[gravenewworld]

If she's only here for 6 weeks, I say your friends can wait and you can spend time with her.

Come on, she's only here for 6 weeks. If you can't find activities that the two of you can share for a few weeks, then perhaps there is a problem.

Wasn't your last thread about getting engaged to the love of your life and buying some over priced diamond she wanted that went down the drain (the relationship, not the diamond)? Perhaps you need to take some time off between relationships?

Of course there's plenty of stuff we can do for 6 weeks.


If I remember correctly about the diamond thread, I just asked how much an engagement ring should cost and that was it. I remember posting that after all of my friends got into a big fight at the bar over talking about it (obviously guy friends vs girl friends). I did look at some in some pawn shops just out of curiosity.

 

[AUK 1138]

damn dude, hang with your friends when you want to. if she won't let you, break it off. don't let her control you, man.

 

[chemisttree]

You should introduce her to a good looking guy that makes twice the income that you do. Maybe he has the time to put up with her...

C'mon! You know that's where its headed anyway!

 

[DanP]

Background: my gf is Thai and is visiting me here in the US for a month and a half

If you spend 85% of the time with her, that's way more than enough. You should be able to have a relationship with a women which doesn't feel like suffocating.

 

[cristo]

If she's staying with her aunt then I don't really see the problem (doesn't she want to spend some time with her family?).

Of course, there's a happy medium, of you both hanging out with your friends-- it shouldn't ever have to be a choice between friends and partner.

 

[cristo]

If you spend 85% of the time with her, that's way more than enough. You should be able to have a relationship with a women which doesn't feel like suffocating.

It's different when you don't live in the same country as each other and visit each other occasionally.

 

[ZQrn]

I love people who give advice and pass judgement based on only one side of the story, it feeds my sense of superiority.

'right' and 'wrong' are vague enough as it is, when only knowing one side of the story it's like answering 'Is 60 a large number?'

 

[DanP]

I love people who give advice and pass judgement based on only one side of the story, it feeds my sense of superiority.

'right' and 'wrong' are vague enough as it is, when only knowing one side of the story it's like answering 'Is 60 a large number?'

More often than not during life you will get only one side of the story. You'll have to make your best with it.

I don't see how this situation can objectively feed your sense of superiority, cause it seems you lack practicality in the highest degree. But if it does, more power to you, it's awesome to feel good about yourself.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

There are two rules:

1. The woman is always right.
2. When the woman is wrong, consult rule one.

On the downside, I think that getting a night off in six weeks is necessary for the maintanance of a good relationship. Also, a woman who resorts to tears in order to get her way is problematical.

On the upside, you are constantly fighting which means that you are properly prepairing for a lifetime together and won't suffer sticker shock should you marry.

 

[ZQrn]

More often than not during life you will get only one side of the story. You'll have to make your best with it.

The best of it is simply refraining from having an opinion then.

No answer at all beats an answer that is gravely off for me.

I don't see how this situation can objectively feed your sense of superiority, cause it seems you lack practicality in the highest degree.

There is a difference between 'practicality' and jumping to conclusions which are quite often completely wrong.

Saying 'yes' or 'no' in such a thread most likely is not far better than just tossing up a coin. In fact, I would think it could perhaps be slightly better to just toss up a coin. Since people in such threads are of course inclined to agree with the poster's version of the story, thereby pulling it to around 70/30, while in reality it is of course far closer to 50/50, like the coin.

But if it does, more power to you, it's awesome to feel good about yourself.

It actually makes me hate myself.

 

[DanP]

No answer at all beats an answer that is gravely off for me.

.

Why are you involved at all in this thread then ? Your not practicing what you are preaching.
You are pretty amusing.

 

[ZQrn]

Why are you involved at all in this thread then ? Your not practicing what you are preaching.

Why, I haven't given an answer, I just hinted at:

'Maybe it would be fair to let the girl post his side of her story too'.

You are pretty amusing.

I've got funny, fluffy hair.

 

[Borek]

Why do I feel like this thread is already doomed?

 

[Evo]

Why do I feel like this thread is already doomed?

Because it is in "relationships"?

 

[DanP]

Why, I haven't given an answer, I just hinted at:

'Maybe it would be fair to let the girl post his side of her story too'.

Yeah, cause it's like, we don't let her post her side of the story.

 

[jackmell]

That's a big deal coming all the way from Thailand to see you especially if that was the main reason for her coming to America. If it was the main reason, and you're serious about her, then you should understand her feelings about wanting to be with you, and she should understand and tolerate your wish to spend some time with your friends.

Directly engage her about it: Explain to her you understand her feelings about wanting to be with you, but try to explain that a woman who insists her man give her all his attention leaving him no time to spend with others is not a healthy relationship and will lead to dysfunction, sorrow, and conflict and therefore if she can't accept you spending time with others, the relationship should end. However you as well need to show her you can be trusted away from her. Think about what she thinks when you're out with others. "are there other women there? Is he flirting with them? Are they prettier than me?" You'll need to convince her that you're reliable and can be trusted and you're serious about her if you are.

I should say, "willingly accept it without malice". If she tolerates it but is grumpy or moody or resentful about it, that's just as bad as not accepting it. Get that straight with her quick-like.

 

[BobG]

Six weeks is a long visit, plus she's staying with family. Doesn't she spend any time with them? Is this a situation where you're supposed to understand about the time she spends with family, but be available whenever she doesn't have anything planned with family? There's some missing details.

I agree that if you amost never see each other, the two of you should be trying to plan things to maximize the amount of time you spend together, but I think that should probably be working both ways. If you're going to a ball game, she should try to do something with her family that night.

 

[lisab]

There are two rules:

1. The woman is always right.
2. When the woman is wrong, consult rule one.

On the downside, I think that getting a night off in six weeks is necessary for the maintanance of a good relationship. Also, a woman who resorts to tears in order to get her way is problematical.

On the upside, you are constantly fighting which means that you are properly prepairing for a lifetime together and won't suffer sticker shock should you marry.

That was my thought too. At best, too much drama; at worst, manipulation. Either way, very annoying.

OP: Just curious: how much notice did you give her, that you were not going to be with her? If you told her several days in advance, it shouldn't be an issue. If you told her just a few hours before, that would amplify her feelings of abandonment.

 

[ThomasT]

Background: my gf is Thai and is visiting me here in the US for a month and a half


Basically we constantly fight over how I get to spend my time. I just informed her tonight that I am going to a baseball game on Fri with my guy friends and she got extremely upset and started crying. Every time I want to go and do something with my friends she starts crying, gets pissed off, or gets upset because she says that "She could have just stayed home, saved her money, and gone out with her friends back home." I understand where she is coming from, I mean I'm all she's got here and she knows no one here, but it isn't like I am kicking her to the curb. We spend 85% of the weekends together all of the time and I'd say she comes over 3/5 days during the week. I've definitely cut down on going out with my friends since she has gotten here. Some of my friends I haven't seen for about a month now. What am I supposed to do? Just spend 100% of the time while she is here with her only? Is it really that bad to ask to be alone with your guy friends or for some space once a week or several times a month? Some of my friends I've known for over 20 years, am I just supposed to kick them to the curb because she is here for a short while? If I don't hang out with the gf all the time she's gets pissed, but then if I don't at least try to hang out with some of my friends they get pissed and think that I am ditching them for the gf and think that I don't think they are really that important. Really, am I supposed to just break up my routine life completely because the gf is in town? I'm only asking for a few hours or two or 3 days out of the entire time she is here to go out and do what I want on my own without her. Is that too much to ask for? Who's right and who's wrong here?

Just so I've got this right -- a girl came from Thailand (Thailand!) to be with you for 45 days. A girl that you call your 'girlfriend'! And you're having a problem treating that as something special? And you're posting in the Physics Forums for advice? WTF!?

 

[ZQrn]

Yeah, cause it's like, we don't let her post her side of the story.

'We'?

I'm talking to the OP darlin'.

 

[GeorginaS]

Just so I've got this right -- a girl came from Thailand (Thailand!) to be with you for 45 days. A girl that you call your 'girlfriend'! And you're having a problem treating that as something special? And you're posting in the Physics Forums for advice? WTF!?

Quoted for truth.

 

[DanP]

Quoted for truth.

Yeah, like we have to bend of every whim of our girlfriends or our wives. Do that and you'll get taken for granted sooner or later :P To spend 85% of your free time with a women, she must be very special anyway :P

 

[DanP]

'We'?

I'm talking to the OP darlin'.

 

[Borek]

To spend 85% of your free time with a women

I would not call this time 'free'.

 

[DanP]

I would not call this time 'free'.

In what sense Borek ?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Just so I've got this right -- a girl came from Thailand (Thailand!) to be with you for 45 days. A girl that you call your 'girlfriend'! And you're having a problem treating that as something special? And you're posting in the Physics Forums for advice? WTF!?

Quoted for truth.

Ditto.

 

[Office_Shredder]

let the girl post his side of her story too'.

Who's jumping to conclusions now?

 

[AUK 1138]

I would not call this time 'free'.

haha

 

[gravenewworld]

My god I just want to rip my hair out, eat it, throw it up, and eat it again. There is just no pleasing my GF. So I called off going to the baseball game with my friends to spend time with her. That still doesn't keep her from being negative the rest of the weekend. SHE IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO CRITICIZE ABOUT ME OR WHAT I DO. She simply can not be pleased. I thought the weekend was going well after I gave up my baseball game to be with her. But no, Sunday night she brings up a 'mistake' I apparently made on Valentine's Day and starts a big fight over it and starts crying...again. The night before V-day this year she tells me she was to work (at a restaurant). Fine ok, I assume the night before that she was to work until late because it will be busy that day. I go out with my friends the night before, but not out until too late. The next day for some reason I wake up at 5 PM. I check my phone and I have text messages from her from around 12 PM earlier that day saying that she no longer has to work and that she wants to hang out now. Thus, I go scrambling around 530 PM on V-day to accommodate her at the last minute and look everywhere for any flowers that are left. The only thing that is left are some red carnations I find. I go pick her up, give her the flowers, and take her out to what turns out to be a pretty good Korean restaurant that I think of at the last minute. I think I did a pretty good job considering the fact I was under the assumption she had to work and that we would be hanging out. Now on to yesterday, 6 months later. She brings up V-day and says I made a mistake because I didn't get roses. She said that even if she had to work that day, the fact that I didn't get her roses shows I wasn't thinking about her or didn't plan anything special for her. This is coming from the girl who says she hates roses. 1.) Why would I plan on buying her roses when she hates them 2.) why couldn't she just be happy with the flowers and dinner I took her out to and 3.) even if what I did wasn't any good, why is she still mad about it now 6 months later? Why not just forget and forgive it and move on? I can hardly control my anger now. I give up my time with my friends to be with her this WHOLE weekend. She has to end it on a negative note and a fight over stuff so stupid.

This isn't the only time she is negative too. She always likes to complain, she's impossible to please and then she has the nerve to complain that I am not making her happy. Well, sorry, but when you're impossible to please, people stop trying to make you happy. Remember those pictures of the pizzas I made from scratch and posted on here? I made those for dinner for her. She said she didn't like it or that it was just ok. For her birthday last year I made her a chocolate cake from scratch, she said she didn't like it. I made her apple pie and pumpkin pie from scratch and she said she didn't eat it and threw it away. I took her to see tons of stuff from museums, washington DC, NYC, Atlantic City, the potato chip factory, bars, clubs, etc. etc. and she said that they are all boring. This year I bought her an expensive bouquet of roses and had them sent to her door. She said they were pretty, but that she was going to throw them out the next day and that I should have not gotten them for her and saved my money.

I can't see my friends she gets upset because "I'm not spending time with her and that I value my friends more than her." Of course then she pulls out the big guns and uses the "I'm only her for 6 weeks" card so I bite my tongue every time and stay with her and tell my friends I can't come out. I try to take her out with me while I hang out with my friends but she always ends up crying and we always have to leave early (which is embarrassing) because she says that I just leave her there on her own by herself when I go try to talk to my friends for 5-10 minutes and that she doesn't know anyone. Well GO MEET NEW PEOPLE!


I want to break something right now. This girl is driving me insane. I care about her a lot, but she is just like a little pebble stuck in your boot that you can't take out while walking on a 20 mile trek. She constantly wants to fight me for reasons I do not know when all I want to do is care about her. I don't know why she doesn't comprehend that I'm not her enemy but her lover. Have I made mistakes in our relationship ever? Of course. But I'm her lover, why doesn't she just forgive me then? She has made mistakes too, but you know what? Unlike her, I don't remember any of them because I don't care about trivial crap like that and I have already forgiven her for them. However, she insists on remembering everything I do wrong down to the minute detail and tries to save it for fodder against me during an argument. She conveniently forgets or trivializes anything good I do. I'm going berserk. Just gouge my eyeballs out with pencils now. Why do a lot of women like my gf insist on not being happy, playing these stupid games, and always look for something no matter how small to cut you down with?

 

[Cyrus]

Good lord, kick her *** to the curb and stop crying. Grow a pair.

 

[rootX]

good lord, kick her *** to the curb and stop crying. Grow a pair.

+1..