Need advice for my personal statement

[Haorong Wu]

Hi. I have just written a draft of my personal statement. I am still working on it, but there are some concerns that I am not sure about.

1. Is my opening too tacky?

2. Do I talk too much about research experience? Maybe I should cut some details out.

3. On the contrary, I feel that I do not state the research area I would like to pursue in enough depth. Should I write more about what to do in the future? But the context should be limited to one page and my current SOP reaches the limit, and I am afraid that I may accidentally propose some wrong ideas.

4. I barely state my interest in the campus and environment. Is this point important to the admission committee?

Thanks for your reading and for any advice.

"What is the nature of the universe? What is our place in it and where did it and we come from? Why is it the way it is?" The book, A Brief History of Time, was always kept beside my pillow when I was a high school student. The mystery of nature inspired me to learn physics well in high school. Yet, as a teenager, I was not clear about my future career, so I determined to follow others' suggestions and chose Automation as my major. However, after working for several years, I felt I need to go back to school and pursuit my academic career. I tried to learn Computer Science, Artificial Intelligence, but in the end, I found that only Physics intrigues me the most. After self-learning physics for three years, I was successfully matriculated as a graduate student at University A, and my path to becoming a physicist truly depart since then.

In my first year of graduate study, I enrolled in and aced some courses based on my interest, such as Advanced Quantum Mechanics, General Relativity, Group Theory, and Advanced Optics. I believe I have left an impression on the professors as an enthusiastic, proactive, and industrious student, since I frequently asked questions and shared opinions with my professors and classmates. In the meantime, I started to read papers in various areas, and finally, I decided to research the cross-section between quantum theory and general relativity. My supervisor guided me to study how high-dimensional entanglements evolve under the impact of gravitational fluctuations. It did not start well in the first place. I have no clear thoughts about the project, so I had to continue searching for different models from every aspect. Most of them turned out to be unfit and I felt depressed after several months. But what the pains paid is the fulfillment when I finally constructed a successful model, and the accumulating failures led to a deeper understanding and more clear calculations. Since then, my supervisor allowed me to explore other projects of my own will. I decided to deeper my understanding of the entanglements in the relativistic world, so I studied the degradation of entanglement due to the Unruh effect, and the conversion between photons and gravitons in strong magnetic fields. The results of my work have theoretical significance by offering a tool for detecting gravitons with orbital angular momentum, a key to future quantum communication, and a messenger from the early Universe. Based on my current work, I have finished three manuscripts. The one about the degradation of entanglement in gravitational fluctuations has been published in Physical Review D, while the other two manuscripts are still under review.

In the last years of studying, I grow an interest in quantum gravity. Currently, quantum mechanics and general relativity, the two most successful theories, have not been unified yet. There are many candidate theories, such as superstring theory, loop quantum gravity, supergravity, etc., aiming to accomplish this goal. In addition, no experiments have been conducted to test those theories and I believe the decoherence and entanglement degradation could be used as tabletop experiments available in the near future. From the University B, I get to know about Professor S's work regarding gravitational decoherence. In his group, they develop a new quantum gravity theory, the Correlated WorldLine (CWL) theory, which can be used to study the decoherence phenomena of large massive objects. I believe it is a promising theory and I would like to pursue my academic career along this path under the supervision of Professor S. My research in entanglement degradation has provided me with unique insights into gravitational decoherence. For example, I believe the dimension of a quantum system plays an important role, according to my work. I would like to explore this feature further under the quantum gravity framework. Also, Normally quantum gravity only shows itself on extremely small scales, and this hinders experiment designs for quantum gravity. I think the other way for testing quantum gravity theories lies in the early Universe, where extreme conditions may induce observable quantum gravity effects. Thus I am confident in my choice of further research and in my preparation for pursuing it. I wish after four years of study, I could extend the theory in a deeper depth, strengthen my understanding of the decoherence process, and explore entanglements in different scenarios. Meanwhile, I will keep my mind open to other possible theories. I expect the combination of different theories could result in a more comprehensive understanding of Nature.

Lastly, I believe University B is the perfect location for my next academic stage, not only because of its academic innovation and integrity but because it has a beautiful and inspirational environment. I welcome the opportunity to spend weekends exploring the beautiful areas of C. I wish to continue my passion for physics in University B's Ph.D. program, and I would be honored to join the large community of faculty and students interested in physics.

 

[symbolipoint]

Haorong Wu
I only read slightly beyond the first paragraph of your Statement of Purpose. The meaning I find from just the first paragraph is that (1) you are interested in entering into an undergraduate Physics program; and (2) your educational experiences since your "Automation" degree have been either unsatisfying or unsatisfactory.

Upon reading through your second paragraph, I must say my point #(2) may be far off-track.

 

[Haorong Wu]

thanks, @symbolipoint. In the first paragraph, I would like to show my interest in physics and explain I am capable to pursue a career in physics even though my undergraduate degree is not in physics. From your reply, apparently, I have failed to achieve my intention. I will rethink the first paragraph. Maybe I should focus on explaining how I managed to learn undergraduate physics courses.

Thanks!

 

[symbolipoint]

thanks, @symbolipoint. In the first paragraph, I would like to show my interest in physics and explain I am capable to pursue a career in physics even though my undergraduate degree is not in physics. From your reply, apparently, I have failed to achieve my intention. I will rethink the first paragraph. Maybe I should focus on explaining how I managed to learn undergraduate physics courses.

Thanks!

That will be worth doing. One would assume (maybe incorrectly) that you did enroll in some Physics courses more than the minimum required courses during your Automation degree program, and the Physics courses were fit with laboratory sections.

 

[Benjies]

One thing that would lend itself to our assessment of your writing is what this personal statement is for. Are you applying for a doctorate program somewhere? Who is your target audience? Is this a thriving school who is picky or a school with wider admissions?

Also, I was lucky enough to room with an English major through part of my undergrad. I remember a clear statement from him that starting off any paper/statement/paragraph/writing/etc with a quote is bad news. To be fair, this is a personal statement, and your first sentence is not a personal statement by its definition. I've found active verbiage and "in-your-face" writing to be effective (to put in lamens terms). Reading your first paragraph, I believe a strong starting point might be the following: "After diverse studies and research in A, B, C, and Physics, I can confidently say that my endeavors now lie solely in Physics as I plan to do X, Y, and Z with my future". Absolutely may be a run-on sentence (I'm almost certain it is), but you get the point.

Also, time to be harsh. I'm reading some sentences with "I wasn't sure about", "I believe I did X", and most importantly, "I felt depressed after some months doing X". While a Personal Statement may be a place that, in theory, invites you to be frank about your life and experiences in STEM (and trust me, I have felt similar hardships in my days), I would advise against including them unless you provide a direct and strong statement about how you responded to these tough times. Put another way: This is a resume in the form of an essay. I would eliminate 'unsure' statements.

A depressing fact indeed, but I admit the feedback I've provided above is not for warm fuzzy feelings- it is for results and to get tenured researchers to look hard at your statement and give you a chance.

 

[Haorong Wu]

Thanks very much, @Benjies. All those "harsh" comments are welcome! They will indeed help me improve my writing. Thanks again!

 

[Choppy]

Here are a few tips...

• The point of this statement is to explain why you want to and should be admitted to the PhD program at University B. It's not an autobiography and you don't need to convince the admission committee that you have had a lifelong interest in physics. The fact that you're applying to a PhD in a physics program is sufficient evidence of that.
• If I understand, you're currently/recently a master's student. Lead with that. You have done well in your courses (avoid the term "aced"). You have one publication in Phys Rev D and two more are currently in the review process... this is great because it's tangible evidence of success in your current program.
• Some details about your current work are good to include such as the specifics of what you're studying, why it's important, why you've chosen to study that. I'd avoid a detailed review of the tribulations along the way.
• You seem interested in Professor S's work. Have you corresponded/interacted with Professor S?
• If Professor S is not accepting graduate students this year, are you open to working with other supervisors?
• Have you visited University B? Spoken with any professors/post-docs/students there? Often when people review these statements, they're looking for evidence that you've seriously investigated the program beyond the level of a Google search.
• You refer to a "beautiful and inspirational environment." But this could describe any school. Are there any specific aspects of the campus you are drawn to?
• What are your future plans following the PhD? Is there evidence of recent graduates moving on in that direction? Remember most programs have an interest in seeing their graduates go on to successful careers so they'll be looking for a long-term plan and a clear understanding of how their PhD program fits into that.

 

[Vanadium 50]

In addition to all the great advice you have received, I would add "read the question carefully and answer the question asked". That may mean multiple submissions for multiple universities.

 

[Haorong Wu]

Thank you, @Choppy for those wonderful advice.

1. Thanks for this advice. The first paragraph will be completely rewritten.
2. Yes, I am currently a master's student.
3. My intention about the tribulation is to show that I am a persevering person. I will focus on those other details you mentioned, instead.
4. Yes, I only include professors from whom I have received encouragement to apply.
5. Certainly yes. I have wide interests, including particle physics, cosmology, and other theoretical physics. I will include this willingness in my statements.
6. Unfortunately, I am not able to visit Universities in other countries. I only can contact some students of those professors that I am interested in. I am not sure how to overcome this weakness. I hope I will find some solutions online.
7. To be honest, I really do not care about the environment. I concern more about whether I could enjoy myself in the research and the opportunities to make some little but interesting breakthroughs in physics in a future Ph.D. program. Should I avoid talking about the environment? Because when I wrote it, nothing can pop out of my head.
8. I wish I could continue my research in some institutions after graduation. I will include this information in the last paragraph.

Thanks again, @Choppy. I indeed feel my statements will be much improved.

Thanks, @Vanadium 50. I definitely will carefully prepare the statements for different universities.

 

[Haorong Wu]

Dear @symbolipoint, @Benjies, @Choppy, @Vanadium 50, I have revised my manuscript with your advice. I believe it has been much improved. I would like to thank you again, and I would be grateful if you could point out more advice when you are available.

After conducting a variety of studies and research on Physics, Computer Science, and Artificial Intelligence, I can say with confidence that my passion is solely for Physics, as I plan to study different theoretical fields, deepen my understanding of physics, explore the nature of the Universe, and contribute to the science community in the future. Several years after graduation, I decided to restart my career. Although my undergraduate major is Automation and I only took some basic courses for physics, I have prepared myself well by self-learning and I passed the Graduate Entrance Examination in China with top scores, 142 out of 150 for General Physics (covering Classical Mechanics, Optics, Thermodynamics, and Electrodynamics), and 138 out of 150 for Quantum Mechanics. Then I matriculated as a master's student at University A.

In my first year of postgraduate study, I registered for some courses according to my interests and achieved excellent scores, such as Advanced Quantum Mechanics, General Relativity, Group Theory, and Advanced Optics. I have left an impression on the professors as an enthusiastic, proactive, and industrious student since I frequently asked questions and shared opinions with professors and classmates. In the meantime, I read papers in various areas and decided to research the cross-section between quantum theory and general relativity, the two most interesting subjects for me. My supervisor guided me to study how high-dimensional entanglements evolve under the impact of gravitational fluctuations. This work is of fundamental importance for future interstellar quantum communications with twisted photons. After that, I decided to deepen my understanding of the entanglements in the relativistic world. The Unruh effect reveals an exotic phenomenon that the definitions of particles vary across different reference frames and leads to a novel kind of entanglement degradation where the entangled particles are inundated by thermal ones from the perspective of an accelerating observer. I explored how high-dimensional entanglements evolve in this framework. In addition, I am intrigued by the photon-graviton conversion in strong magnetic fields. I asked the following questions: if gravitons exist, can they carry quantized orbital angular momentum, and can they be entangled with each other and with other particles in high-dimensional states? My research shows that the quantum aspect of twisting and entangling gravitons in high-dimensional states indicates entanglement oscillation between photons, gravitons, and their hybrids and may lead to the potential development of high-dimensional gravitational wave (GW) communications. In addition, this work finds a new way of studying the plasma vortex structure in the early Universe by detecting twisted primordial GWs. These works have formed three manuscripts, one published in Physical Review D, the other two being under review.

In the last years of studying, I grow an interest in quantum gravity. Currently, quantum mechanics and general relativity, the two most successful theories, have not been unified yet. There are many candidate theories aiming to accomplish this goal, but no experiments have been conducted to test them. The decoherence and entanglement degradation could be used as tabletop experiments available in the near future. From the University B, I get to know about Professor S's work regarding gravitational decoherence. In his group, they develop a new quantum gravity theory, the Correlated WorldLine (CWL) theory, which can be used to study the decoherence phenomena of large massive objects. I would like to pursue my academic career along this path under the supervision of Professor S and I am willing to be supervised by other professors if Professor S is currently not available. My research in entanglement degradation has provided me with unique insights into gravitational decoherence. For example, my research shows that the dimension of a quantum system plays an important role. This feature could be explored further under the quantum gravity framework. Also, quantum gravity, normally, only shows itself on extremely small scales, and this hinders related experiment designs. My experience inspires me that the other way for experiments lies in the early Universe, where extreme conditions may induce observable effects. Thus I am confident in my choice of further research and in my preparation for pursuing it. After my Ph.D. study, I wish I could build a strong understanding of the quantum gravity theory, decoherence process, and entanglements in different scenarios, and prepare myself to be a competent, innovative, knowledgeable researcher.

In the end, I am the one who merits receiving the allowance to enter University B. My strongest strengths are diverse background in other subjects, rich research experience, and innovative ideas about quantum gravity, all of which can benefit the University B community, and being accepted to University B could support my proposals and help me achieve my lifetime career ambitions of becoming a physicist.

 

[Vanadium 50]

I can't believe this answers the question they asked. In any event, it will not be helpful.

1, It rehashes what's already on your transcript.
2. It highlights your lack of formal preparation.
3, Physics does not study "the nature of the universe". That's philosophy.
4. It doesn't answer the question "Why should I take this underpreapred student from China, when I have my choice of dozens of better prepared students from China?" Admissions are competitive.
5. "I am tne one" sounds arrogant and snotty. I certainly don't want someone like that in my group. If you want to argue this is an English issue, that opens the door to "and on top of everytthing else, he's underprepared in English too."

 

[berkeman]

I only skimmed your latest statement, but here are a couple small nits...

My strongest strengths are

Don't use the same base word for the adjective describing the noun. Use "best strengths" or leave off the adjective altogether and just use "strengths".

achieve my lifetime career ambitions of becoming a physicist

The word "ambitions" is plural and "becoming a physicst" is singular. Maybe change that to "ambition" to make it read better.

 

[Vanadium 50]

While you are correct with the grammar, I would not encourage the OP to try and modify what he wrote. I'd encourage him to start over. It is likely not moving him forward - just the reverse.

 

[berkeman]

Yeah, good point. Why fix minor grammar issues when you are going to re-write it anyway.

 

[symbolipoint]

Excuse me; this will seem nasty, for my reaction to post #10.

That SoP revision uses immature use of very wordy ways to express oneself with very low accuracy. The SoP there seems to promote no points.

A couple of questions MIGHT be helpful.
Does the institution to which you write the SoP suggest a specific outline?
Does the institution to which you write your SoP precisely describe what this Statement Of Purpose is or means?

What @Benjies said earlier is also a good guide: "Statement Of Purpose is a resume in the form of an essay."

 

[Vanadium 50]

Statement Of Purpose is a resume in the form of an essay

I disagree. A resume looks backwards. A statement of purpose looks forward.

 

[symbolipoint]

I disagree. A resume looks backwards. A statement of purpose looks forward.

The point is that resume clearly states qualifying information of the person. Resume shows supporting information which if directed to the right group, will help the group decide if the person will fit well with the group.

 

[symbolipoint]

How much time do each principal want to spend reading any ONE Statement of Purpose? What size should this Statement of Purpose be?

 

[vela]

Three style suggestions:

1. Stop capitalizing words unnecessarily. For example, in the first sentence, physics, computer science, automation, and universe shouldn't be capitalized.
2. Reread each section and ask yourself, "What is the point I'm trying to make here"? Use that to focus your writing and cut out unnecessary details and tangents.
3. Try to express the same ideas with fewer words. Your audience will appreciate you getting to the point quickly.

 

[Vanadium 50]

What size should this Statement of Purpose be?

As long as it needs to be and no longer.

 

[Haorong Wu]

Thanks to all for the criticism. I am sorry, @Vanadium 50. I am still clueless about where to start, especially how to move forward. Do you know any websites where I could learn how to write personal statements? It seems those I use would be inappropriate.

 

[Vanadium 50]

University B has not released the application yet. Writing an answer to a question that hasn't been asked is wasting your time. You were warned abut this for a reason.

More importantly, University B's website says you are not eligible. They come right out and say it. You should apply somewhere where you are eligible.

I think you also need to set your sights wider. University B is one of the top 50 in the world. Top 2 in, um, Country C. You need a very, very good reason that they should take you and not one of the hundreds of better qualified applicants they get? Or cast a wider net. Even that is not guaranteed to work - "I don't have a degree in physics, but now I want one and want you to pay for it" is not a strong selling point.

Furthermore, most financial support is in the form of teaching assistantships. How can the department responsibly let you teach physics majors if you don't have a degree in it? I normally don't suggest getting a paid MS degree as a stepping stone, in your case, I see no other way.

 

[berkeman]

@Haorong Wu -- Can you post a couple examples of the text from the applications you are filing that say what they want in this statement? That should help to put us all on the same page. Thanks.

 

[Haorong Wu]

@Vanadium 50, but the university website states that the minimum academic requirement for direct admission to the Ph.D. program is an M.Sc. or M.A.Sc. in physics, astronomy or mathematics with an average grade of at least 80%. I am getting my master's degree in physics the next year, and my GPA is 3.88 out of 4.0, which should be enough.

@berkeman, thanks for the advice. The following questions are provided by the graduate school, and I am working on it:

1 Your specific area of academic interest (research topic you want to work on): My academic interest lies in quantum gravity theories. Quantum mechanics is a theory describing properties of matters at a small scale, leading to a number of bizarre behaviors. However, quantum mechanics depends on a fixed spacetime background, which is not compatible with general relativity. My research experience in entanglements in relativistic scenarios inspires me to explore the quantum aspect of gravitation.

2 How your past education and other experiences have prepared you to be successful in the graduate program: In my postgraduate study, research about high-dimensional entanglement in different relativistic scenarios, including gravitational fluctuations, the Unruh effect, and strong magnetic fields, prepares me with a sophisticated understanding of quantum theories and general relativity. Especially, the work about gravitational decoherence shows me how quantum systems lose coherence intrinsically and how the dimension of the system affects it. The same subject is studied by Professor Stamp, from the perspective of the path integral. My past research can extend Professor Stamp's work by considering the effect of dimension in the path integral. A higher dimension, which will induce faster decoherence and stronger degradation, may result in feasible experiment designs in a near future.

3 What you hope to achieve in the graduate program: The study of the correlated worldline theory can provide me with a new tool for understanding quantum gravitation, so a solid background is built for my future academic position in research institutions.

4 Why this particular program at UBC is the best place for you to pursue your interests: The work done by Professor Stamp and his group not only matches my research interest in quantum gravity but also provides new tools to study gravitational decoherence and leads to a potentially testable theory.

Other tips for a strong Statement of Interest:

1 State any work you have done in this area already (mention specific skills/techniques you have picked up): My recent research focuses on the high-dimensional entanglement and the orbital angular momentum of light in curved spacetime, including entanglement degradation in gravitational fluctuations, high-dimensional entanglement in a non-inertial reference frame, and the conversion between photons and gravitons with orbital angular momentum. Along my research path, a solid understanding of quantum theory and general relativity is built, and by reading papers in other areas, my tools for calculating gravitational decoherence are extended to include the event formalism which predicts time-energy entangled photons would decorrelate after passing through different regions of gravitational potential, a decoherence model arising from a bath of stochastic gravitational disturbances, and the leading corrections by the Riemann curvature to quantum optics.

2 Connect your area of interest to work being done in the program (mention specific faculty members and projects): My interest lies in the quantum gravity theories. The correlated worldline (CWL) theory, devised by Professor Stamp and collaborators, is a new formalism of quantum gravity theory. It proposes that a superposed mass would evolve in different paths, which will gravitate towards each other, resulting in a quantum-to-classical transition for macroscopic objects, i.e., gravitational decoherence. The CWL theory tackles the gravitational decoherence problem via the path integral formalism. My interest can be connected to Professor Stamp's work by using CWL theory to calculate decoherence for high-dimensional systems and find out how the degradation grows as the dimension increases. If the degradation grows exponentially, an experiment may be designed by using a high-dimensional quantum system.

3 Refer to academic publications that have informed your interest (use correct citation as footnote): The publications will be referred to when the CWL theory is discussed.

4 Mention any publications, presentations or conferences you have been a part of.

 

[symbolipoint]

One of your questions response to something formal was this:

1 State any work you have done in this area already (mention specific skills/techniques you have picked up): My recent research focus on the high-dimensional entanglement and the orbital angular momentum of light in curved spacetime, including entanglement degradation in gravitational fluctuations, high-dimensional entanglement in non-inertial reference frame, and the conversion between photons and gravitons with orbital angular momentum. Along my research path, solid understanding in quantum theory and general relativity is built, and by reading papers in other areas, my tools to calculating gravitational decoherence are extended to include the event formalism which predicts time-energy entangled photons would decorrelate after passing through different regions of gravitational potential, a decoherence model arising from a bath of stochastic gravitational disturbances, and the leading corrections by the Riemann curvature to quantum optics.

Finding or identifying the "specific skills/techniques you have picked up" seems lacking or unapparent. Maybe I just am unable to properly interpret what you wrote.

 

[Haorong Wu]

@symbolipoint, it is difficult for me to answer the question. I do pure theoretical research. I do not know what can count as skills or techniques. My answers are a solid understanding of quantum theory and general relativity, and different models for calculating gravitational decoherence. I am still looking for other possible skills or techniques.

 

[Haorong Wu]

Hi, guys. Is this version better? Am I on the right track? I try to connect the answers to the questions. Thanks ahead.

Quantum gravity theories, aiming to resolve the conflict between quantum mechanics and general relativity, are often referred to as a theory of everything, making the theoretical work in quantum gravity at the University B appealing to me. The correlated worldline (CWL) theory studied by Professor S and collaborators not only tackles the quantum gravity problem, which is of my interest, but also provides me with a new tool to study gravitational decoherence and it may lead to a potentially testable theory.

In my postgraduate study, my research focuses on the high-dimensional entanglement and the orbital angular momentum of light in curved spacetime, including entanglement degradation in gravitational fluctuations, high-dimensional entanglement in a non-inertial reference frame, and the conversion between photons and gravitons with orbital angular momentum. The results show that the dimension of a quantum system matters when it comes to decoherence or entanglement degradation in some scenarios. Although systems with higher dimensions can contain more information, they will experience faster decoherence, so they lose quantum information more rapidly. The research forms three manuscripts, one published in Physical Review D, and the other two being under review.

My research helps me build a solid understanding of quantum theory and general relativity, and extend my tools for calculating gravitational decoherence to include the event formalism which predicts time-energy entangled photons would decorrelate after passing through different regions of gravitational potential, a decoherence model arising from a bath of stochastic gravitational disturbances, and the leading corrections by the Riemann curvature to quantum optics. Especially, the research about gravitational decoherence shows me how quantum systems lose coherence intrinsically and how the dimension of the system affects it. A similar subject is studied by Professor S, from the perspective of the path integral, forming the CWL theory.

The CWL theory is a new formalism of quantum gravity theory. It proposes that a superposed mass would evolve in different paths, which will gravitate towards each other, resulting in a quantum-to-classical transition for macroscopic objects, i.e., gravitational decoherence. It is my interest to explore the possibility of using CWL theory to calculate decoherence for high-dimensional systems and to find out how the degradation grows as the dimension increases. If the degradation grows exponentially, an experiment may be designed by using a high-dimensional quantum system and the CWL theory may be testable in a near future.

The University B offers an abundant academic environment where I could be successful, since other efforts toward quantum gravity carried by Professor U and Professor R can extend my horizon. The possibility to draw lessons from their efforts could help me build a more accurate model for quantum gravity and gravitational decoherence problems. It is my desire to have a chance to discuss quantum gravity problems with them and seek advice from their wisdom.

With such remarkable academic opportunities at University B, I am eager to apply for a chance to work with Professor S. I hope to continue my research at University B and build a solid background in quantum gravity, particularly with a potentially testable theory. I am confident that I could thrive in the education and achieve success in my life goal of being an expert in quantum gravity and a faculty in an institution where I could continue the research that has been inspiring me, namely solving the incompatibility between quantum mechanics and general relativity, and looking for the intrinsic property of spacetime.

 

[Vanadium 50]

I am getting my master's degree in physics

I only took some basic courses for physics

Which is it?

You will need to make up your mind in the application.