- #1
amwbonfire
Here's a story I wrote a few years ago. Please forgive the gramatical and spelling errors. I was young and naive when I wrote it (it was only a couple of years ago...)
Anyway, here it is! The hilarious Pumpkin Juice and Eggnog!
(I've had to post it in parts, otherwise it is too long to post.)
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Pumpkin Juice, Eggnog, and the Magical Athletics Carnival
As Hyshane Yokomoto sat on the morning dew soaked grass, with the sun shining down over the oval, he knew that today was the day. Today was the day that he, the great warrior, would begin to take over the world. But first he would have to win the school athletics carnival. This perplexing and strenuous task would require the help of his only friend, Eggbert Noggy. By winning the carnival, he would show the world what he was made of. Not just blubber but also what was in his heart and mind. Cholesterol.
“G’day mate! Ready for a snagga?” Eggbert Noggy (everybody called him Eggnog) was not your everyday kid. He wore bright pink and green clothes and shorts that started at his waist and ended at his thigh. He was the skinniest kid in school weighing just over 17kg. He wore velcro shoes and a wide brimmed hat with corks hanging from it. He never brushed his hair - he just let it point in every direction like a compass. He had crooked yellow teeth and needed braces and a plate – which added to the effect. His glasses were the sort that you see those Dick Smith look-alikes wearing – wide, square and black. He had the most Australian accent and his personality and looks were ‘real beaut’ as he liked to put it. In short, he was a nerd.
Hyshane Yokomoto was his only friend. His appearance was the opposite of Eggnog’s as was his personality. He was extremely fat and was born and bred in China, although he had an Australian accent. His friends (Eggnog being the only one) called him the mighty and all-powerful PUMPKIN JUICE. He wore the baggiest pants and always had on a muscle shirt to show the rolls of fat in his arms that he called muscle. He had short black hair and sometimes wore a Nike cap. Although he was not a nerd, his desire to take over the world made him an outcast, so he had to rely on Eggnog to be his only friend.
Now, back to the carnival. Pumpkin Juice knew it was going to be tough. He and Eggnog had to do the shot put, 100m dash and the 400m run (or walk in Pumpkin Juice’s case). Neither of them wanted to go in the relay, the other running races or the discuss. They were in separate divisions: Eggnog was in A division and Pumpkin Juice was in B.
“See you mate! Have a real beaut time mate!” Eggnog waved goodbye to Pumpkin Juice and did his 1 finger salute. The discuss and the 200m events had already been done. They had to go off to their separate groups to get ready for the first event that they were in – the shot put.
Eggnog’s division was up first. The competitors that were before Eggnog all had their throws. The best throw was 6m. “Eggbert Noggy!” Eggnog walked up to the line and grabbed a shot put. “Yeah mate,” he said to the instructor. “I’m gunna have a real beaut throw mate! Fair dinkum!”
“Just shut up and throw the shot-put,” called out one of the other kids. Eggnog raised his arm and got ready to throw the shot put. He pulled his arm back behind his ear and thrust it forward, using all the might he had in his body. He looking straight ahead but could not see it. “Maybe,” he thought to himself, “I threw it so far it went over the fence and out of sight!”
A voice interrupted his thoughts. “0.36m!” He had not thrown it over the fence, but rather he had barely thrown it at all! “Yah! I tripled my personal best!” Eggnog was ecstatic. All the other competitors started to laugh. “You may laugh at me mate, but just remember that in a previous life I was a professional body builder! So there mate!” This just made them all laugh harder.
After Eggnog’s division finished, Pumpkin Juice’s division got set up for the shot put. Pumpkin Juice patiently waited for his turn. When it came he slowly got up, grunting and wheezing from the effort. He picked up his shot put and raised it above his head. He grunted like mad and, using the weight of his arm as momentum, he flung it high over his head. “Holy son of a ……” The instructor was speechless. The shot put had gone 23.34m! “Ha! Ha! Ha! You ignorant people no not of my great power! With my strong body and mind, I shall rule the world!”
“…What the hell? That’s not possible! He cheated!” cried one of the competitors.
“I did not! I simply showed you some of my immense power.”
“That’s enough you two! Now I don’t know how he did that, but we will give him the benefit of the doubt and include that throw,” said the instructor, still half dazzled.
“Ha! Puny mortals,” whispered Pumpkin Juice.
They went on to the next event – the 100m dash. Eggnog went up to the starting line and got ready to run. He looked across to his left and saw whom his was racing. David, the school record holder, Bob, the second fattest in the school (behind Pumpkin Juice of course) and Henry, the school idiot and clown. “Have a real beaut race mate! No cheating, mate! ‘Cause you know how me uncle Jim hates cheating, mate!”
“Shut up Eggnog!” yelled David. “I’m going to crush you and smash you into the ground!”
“Won’t that hurt a bit, mate?”
“Yes, it will, you African bush pig!”
“Fair dinkum, mate?”
“Yes. He, he, he.” They were ready to start. They lined up on the line and got ready to run. David took one last look at Eggnog and sniggered. “Ready! Set! GO!” Eggnog ran like hell. David was 2 metres ahead of Eggnog. Henry had fallen over and was being stupid and Bob had tripped over him and couldn’t get up. Eggnog looked ahead and saw Pumpkin Juice at the end of the race. Pumpkin juice had a little battery-powered fan and was going to turn it on. “NO! DON’T!” screamed Eggbert. Pumpkin Juice looked up at Eggnog just as he went to turn on the fan. He accidentally turned it on reverse. Eggnog started to feel himself being pulled towards the fan. “NO!” His body was too light and the fan was turned on too high. He was gaining speed. He whizzed past David. He was still going faster! “Tuuuurrrrnnn ooooblackff theeeeeeeeee ffaaaaaaannn maaaaaaaaatttteeeeeeeee!” Pumpkin Juice acted in an instant. He turned off the fan just before Eggnog whizzed past the line. Eggnog slowed down and stopped. “13.23 seconds! Amazing!” cried the instructor. Eggnog had beaten David by miles. When David got to the line, he was bright red and panting. “You may have beaten me this time, by I will beat you next time, bush pig!”
“Okay, mate! What time, mate?”
“SHUT UP!” David ran away, crying.
When it was Pumpkin Juice’s turn to race, he hobbled to the line. He did not want to run. Anything but that. When he owned the world he would ban running. “Ready, Get set, GO!” He hobbled past the line. He had made 2 metres. Good, good. If he kept going, he could get a personal best of less than 2 minutes. He was coming last. “Pumpkin Juice! Pumpkin Juice!” a voice echoed through the crowd. Pumpkin Juice saw Eggnog holding a doughnut at the end of the line. “Mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnn. Doughnuts.” He picked up the pace. He started to walk. He broke into a jog, then a run. Then a sprint. Faster he went. Running. Picking up speed. He overtook someone. Then two more people. All of a sudden he was first. Sweat was pouring off his forehead. He was panting and had a stitch, but kept going. “Go Pumpkan Duice!” yelled someone with a Chinese accent. It was his mum. He dug deep and found adrenaline. He dashed past the finish line and grabbed the doughnut from Eggnog. “Eggnog,” he panted, “you have helped me win. When I lead the world, you may be my sidekick.”
“Fair dinkum?”
“Yes.”
“Good on ya, mate!”
“14.69 seconds, Hyshane! Excellent!”
CONTINUES
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Anyway, here it is! The hilarious Pumpkin Juice and Eggnog!
(I've had to post it in parts, otherwise it is too long to post.)
---------------------------------------------------------
Pumpkin Juice, Eggnog, and the Magical Athletics Carnival
As Hyshane Yokomoto sat on the morning dew soaked grass, with the sun shining down over the oval, he knew that today was the day. Today was the day that he, the great warrior, would begin to take over the world. But first he would have to win the school athletics carnival. This perplexing and strenuous task would require the help of his only friend, Eggbert Noggy. By winning the carnival, he would show the world what he was made of. Not just blubber but also what was in his heart and mind. Cholesterol.
“G’day mate! Ready for a snagga?” Eggbert Noggy (everybody called him Eggnog) was not your everyday kid. He wore bright pink and green clothes and shorts that started at his waist and ended at his thigh. He was the skinniest kid in school weighing just over 17kg. He wore velcro shoes and a wide brimmed hat with corks hanging from it. He never brushed his hair - he just let it point in every direction like a compass. He had crooked yellow teeth and needed braces and a plate – which added to the effect. His glasses were the sort that you see those Dick Smith look-alikes wearing – wide, square and black. He had the most Australian accent and his personality and looks were ‘real beaut’ as he liked to put it. In short, he was a nerd.
Hyshane Yokomoto was his only friend. His appearance was the opposite of Eggnog’s as was his personality. He was extremely fat and was born and bred in China, although he had an Australian accent. His friends (Eggnog being the only one) called him the mighty and all-powerful PUMPKIN JUICE. He wore the baggiest pants and always had on a muscle shirt to show the rolls of fat in his arms that he called muscle. He had short black hair and sometimes wore a Nike cap. Although he was not a nerd, his desire to take over the world made him an outcast, so he had to rely on Eggnog to be his only friend.
Now, back to the carnival. Pumpkin Juice knew it was going to be tough. He and Eggnog had to do the shot put, 100m dash and the 400m run (or walk in Pumpkin Juice’s case). Neither of them wanted to go in the relay, the other running races or the discuss. They were in separate divisions: Eggnog was in A division and Pumpkin Juice was in B.
“See you mate! Have a real beaut time mate!” Eggnog waved goodbye to Pumpkin Juice and did his 1 finger salute. The discuss and the 200m events had already been done. They had to go off to their separate groups to get ready for the first event that they were in – the shot put.
Eggnog’s division was up first. The competitors that were before Eggnog all had their throws. The best throw was 6m. “Eggbert Noggy!” Eggnog walked up to the line and grabbed a shot put. “Yeah mate,” he said to the instructor. “I’m gunna have a real beaut throw mate! Fair dinkum!”
“Just shut up and throw the shot-put,” called out one of the other kids. Eggnog raised his arm and got ready to throw the shot put. He pulled his arm back behind his ear and thrust it forward, using all the might he had in his body. He looking straight ahead but could not see it. “Maybe,” he thought to himself, “I threw it so far it went over the fence and out of sight!”
A voice interrupted his thoughts. “0.36m!” He had not thrown it over the fence, but rather he had barely thrown it at all! “Yah! I tripled my personal best!” Eggnog was ecstatic. All the other competitors started to laugh. “You may laugh at me mate, but just remember that in a previous life I was a professional body builder! So there mate!” This just made them all laugh harder.
After Eggnog’s division finished, Pumpkin Juice’s division got set up for the shot put. Pumpkin Juice patiently waited for his turn. When it came he slowly got up, grunting and wheezing from the effort. He picked up his shot put and raised it above his head. He grunted like mad and, using the weight of his arm as momentum, he flung it high over his head. “Holy son of a ……” The instructor was speechless. The shot put had gone 23.34m! “Ha! Ha! Ha! You ignorant people no not of my great power! With my strong body and mind, I shall rule the world!”
“…What the hell? That’s not possible! He cheated!” cried one of the competitors.
“I did not! I simply showed you some of my immense power.”
“That’s enough you two! Now I don’t know how he did that, but we will give him the benefit of the doubt and include that throw,” said the instructor, still half dazzled.
“Ha! Puny mortals,” whispered Pumpkin Juice.
They went on to the next event – the 100m dash. Eggnog went up to the starting line and got ready to run. He looked across to his left and saw whom his was racing. David, the school record holder, Bob, the second fattest in the school (behind Pumpkin Juice of course) and Henry, the school idiot and clown. “Have a real beaut race mate! No cheating, mate! ‘Cause you know how me uncle Jim hates cheating, mate!”
“Shut up Eggnog!” yelled David. “I’m going to crush you and smash you into the ground!”
“Won’t that hurt a bit, mate?”
“Yes, it will, you African bush pig!”
“Fair dinkum, mate?”
“Yes. He, he, he.” They were ready to start. They lined up on the line and got ready to run. David took one last look at Eggnog and sniggered. “Ready! Set! GO!” Eggnog ran like hell. David was 2 metres ahead of Eggnog. Henry had fallen over and was being stupid and Bob had tripped over him and couldn’t get up. Eggnog looked ahead and saw Pumpkin Juice at the end of the race. Pumpkin juice had a little battery-powered fan and was going to turn it on. “NO! DON’T!” screamed Eggbert. Pumpkin Juice looked up at Eggnog just as he went to turn on the fan. He accidentally turned it on reverse. Eggnog started to feel himself being pulled towards the fan. “NO!” His body was too light and the fan was turned on too high. He was gaining speed. He whizzed past David. He was still going faster! “Tuuuurrrrnnn ooooblackff theeeeeeeeee ffaaaaaaannn maaaaaaaaatttteeeeeeeee!” Pumpkin Juice acted in an instant. He turned off the fan just before Eggnog whizzed past the line. Eggnog slowed down and stopped. “13.23 seconds! Amazing!” cried the instructor. Eggnog had beaten David by miles. When David got to the line, he was bright red and panting. “You may have beaten me this time, by I will beat you next time, bush pig!”
“Okay, mate! What time, mate?”
“SHUT UP!” David ran away, crying.
When it was Pumpkin Juice’s turn to race, he hobbled to the line. He did not want to run. Anything but that. When he owned the world he would ban running. “Ready, Get set, GO!” He hobbled past the line. He had made 2 metres. Good, good. If he kept going, he could get a personal best of less than 2 minutes. He was coming last. “Pumpkin Juice! Pumpkin Juice!” a voice echoed through the crowd. Pumpkin Juice saw Eggnog holding a doughnut at the end of the line. “Mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnn. Doughnuts.” He picked up the pace. He started to walk. He broke into a jog, then a run. Then a sprint. Faster he went. Running. Picking up speed. He overtook someone. Then two more people. All of a sudden he was first. Sweat was pouring off his forehead. He was panting and had a stitch, but kept going. “Go Pumpkan Duice!” yelled someone with a Chinese accent. It was his mum. He dug deep and found adrenaline. He dashed past the finish line and grabbed the doughnut from Eggnog. “Eggnog,” he panted, “you have helped me win. When I lead the world, you may be my sidekick.”
“Fair dinkum?”
“Yes.”
“Good on ya, mate!”
“14.69 seconds, Hyshane! Excellent!”
CONTINUES
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