Struggle in Graduate Analysis course despite 'doing the right things'

[Functor97]

I have 'learned my lesson' about going off of the medication or going on it 'as needed.' First off, my case of Bipolar is towards the 'severe' end of the spectrum. It is treatment-resistant. On the four or so occasions that I decided to go off the medicines, two of the times landed my locked up in a psychiatric hospital for four days at a time, which were such horrific experiences that I still get a cold shiver down my spine just thinking about it. The other two times nearly landed me there. I almost committed suicide one of the times and the other time was last Fall. I became so paranoid and delusional that I had to leave the Graduate Program on medical leave because I didn't even know what was reality and what was not.

So, even if 50% of people can go off the medicine fine, I am certainly in the other 50% unfortunately. And dropping the course, like I said earlier, will not help, because I will need to retake it. And, unless they invent some magical antipsychotic in the next year (which they are not- my psychiatrist told me it is a good 10 years away from the next generation), I will face the exact same issue.

As for my goals, I want to get my Master's Degree so that I can teach as an Instructor at a college level. University of Delaware, for example, has a staff of about 6 instructors that get paid quite well, who teach the classes below Calculus 3. That is my goal. It is my dream. And I simply refuse to succumb to this illness and throw in the towel. I don't want to be another statistic of a failure who has a mental illness.

I am sure you can achieve that goal somehow. So its not the research but the teaching you want to take part in? Have you ever considered HS or Community college if the other option fails? Or even tutoring professionaly, you can make a bit of money from that!

I am sure you have read about John Nash, extremely gifted mathematician, thought he was going to solve the riemann hypothesis and get the fields medal... These illnesses are terrible, and i hope that we develop a better way to help the unfortunate patients get better...

I don't mean to pry, but i am interested. When you say paranoid, do you mean you thought the government was setting you up or that your fellow students were judging you etc?

 

[TheEigenvalue]

^ I hope that I can achieve my goal, however teaching High School would not satisfy me. I desire to teach things like Calculus and to teach to college students and not to have to deal with teenagers. And all of the Community Colleges I have looked at require a Masters to teach Mathematics. Some fields don't require a Master's, but Math does unfortunately. And although tutoring brings in some money, I want to live a normal life: raise a family, have a secure future, have a retirement savings, etc. and tutoring is not stable enough or well paying enough for that.

One thing I learned about Nash is that he stopped taking his medication after awhile AND most of his major accomplishments occurred before the onset of his most severe symptoms. The movie "A Beautiful Mind" distorts the true story quite a bit, and makes it look more 'hopeful' than it really was for Nash.

As for the nature of my illness, I have a form of Bipolar that is sometimes called Schizoaffective Disorder. It is a combination of the 'classic' mood disorder, but also with schizophrenic symptoms present. My paranoia last Fall was very bizarre in nature and I don't even know how to describe it. Much of it dealt with my trouble being in a crowded environment. My mind had this problem where it hyperfocused on certain sounds (usually very irritating sounds like people arguing and silverware clashing on plates) and it was so overwhelming that I started to lose touch with reality. There were many occasions when I thought some student on the street was "secretly aware" of how crazy I was and that they were being set up by the cops to arrest me and lock me up in a psychiatric hospital. So I would often start screaming, out of nowhere, at undergraduates on the street in Newark City. Of course they didn't know what was going on, but to me, they were guilty of espionage.

I also was in a constant state of being simultaneously so tired that I couldn't motivate myself to go to class, but so intensely agitated that I would often erupt in either tears or start cursing out any and everything in sight. I would present what is called a "Formal Thought Disorder" where my words were not even real English language phrases but just bits and pieces of sentences, some words not even meaning anything, but rather just guttural vocalizations of my intense instability. I really don't know HOW I didn't get arrested honestly. Luckily, I 'threw in the towel' and left the program and started taking my Zyprexa again, and within a month, I was better.

Just even re-telling the story scares the living crap out of me. Psychosis is one of the most horrifying things on planet earth. The closest thing to psychosis I have seen portrayed was in a film called "Black Swan" that was put out around this time last year. The symptoms experienced by the protagonist were hauntingly similar to mine.

Now, perhaps, you can see why I am so tentative about going off of the medication.

 

[Functor97]

^ I hope that I can achieve my goal, however teaching High School would not satisfy me. I desire to teach things like Calculus and to teach to college students and not to have to deal with teenagers. And all of the Community Colleges I have looked at require a Masters to teach Mathematics. Some fields don't require a Master's, but Math does unfortunately. And although tutoring brings in some money, I want to live a normal life: raise a family, have a secure future, have a retirement savings, etc. and tutoring is not stable enough or well paying enough for that.

One thing I learned about Nash is that he stopped taking his medication after awhile AND most of his major accomplishments occurred before the onset of his most severe symptoms. The movie "A Beautiful Mind" distorts the true story quite a bit, and makes it look more 'hopeful' than it really was for Nash.

As for the nature of my illness, I have a form of Bipolar that is sometimes called Schizoaffective Disorder. It is a combination of the 'classic' mood disorder, but also with schizophrenic symptoms present. My paranoia last Fall was very bizarre in nature and I don't even know how to describe it. Much of it dealt with my trouble being in a crowded environment. My mind had this problem where it hyperfocused on certain sounds (usually very irritating sounds like people arguing and silverware clashing on plates) and it was so overwhelming that I started to lose touch with reality. There were many occasions when I thought some student on the street was "secretly aware" of how crazy I was and that they were being set up by the cops to arrest me and lock me up in a psychiatric hospital. So I would often start screaming, out of nowhere, at undergraduates on the street in Newark City. Of course they didn't know what was going on, but to me, they were guilty of espionage.

I also was in a constant state of being simultaneously so tired that I couldn't motivate myself to go to class, but so intensely agitated that I would often erupt in either tears or start cursing out any and everything in sight. I would present what is called a "Formal Thought Disorder" where my words were not even real English language phrases but just bits and pieces of sentences, some words not even meaning anything, but rather just guttural vocalizations of my intense instability. I really don't know HOW I didn't get arrested honestly. Luckily, I 'threw in the towel' and left the program and started taking my Zyprexa again, and within a month, I was better.

Just even re-telling the story scares the living crap out of me. Psychosis is one of the most horrifying things on planet earth. The closest thing to psychosis I have seen portrayed was in a film called "Black Swan" that was put out around this time last year. The symptoms experienced by the protagonist were hauntingly similar to mine.

Now, perhaps, you can see why I am so tentative about going off of the medication.

Yes, "A beautiful mind" is total rubish. However the book it is based on, is quite accurate, or so i have heard.

Anyway, most people you will teach calculus to will still be teenagers, even in college. I understand they can be imature, but have you ever considered a magnet school or private school? I just mean in the case that you are unable to teach at university.

Does your professor know of the problems you face? Will he understand why you only got 12%?

I am sorry for what you have had to enduer and i hope things get better for you.

 

[deluks917]

I'm very sorry man. I'm sure everyone on Physics forum will help yo in anyway they can.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

Yes, "A beautiful mind" is total rubish. However the book it is based on, is quite accurate, or so i have heard.

Anyway, most people you will teach calculus to will still be teenagers, even in college. I understand they can be imature, but have you ever considered a magnet school or private school? I just mean in the case that you are unable to teach at university.

Does your professor know of the problems you face? Will he understand why you only got 12%?

I am sorry for what you have had to enduer and i hope things get better for you.

Yes. The professor is aware of my problems, but I don't think he can quite grasp how significantly the antipsychotic drug impacts one's cognition. I don't blame him though. I don't even know how to put it into words, myself, as to what extent the drug 'deadens' my mind.

My goal is to teach at a college level. I already had to abandon my life goal of being a tenure-track professor about three years ago, which nearly resulted in suicide. So I don't think I can bear to loose another goal in my life like that. Even at a private school, the curriculum is pre-Calculus and the one Calculus class is only taught by the person in the department who has been there the longest. Everyone else is stuck teaching 13 year olds how to solve for x in a quadratic equation. That would just drive me insane, thinking of what I have lost: The opportunity to do real mathematics. It would haunt me every day and I would probably get fired for being a jerk because of the level of resentment I would harbor inside.

I know this sounds goofy, but when your dreams have all been shattered so many times by reasons not your fault, you try to grasp on to ANY sort of feeling of 'identity' that is possible. I appreciate all of your concern. I wish the students in my classes would be more empathetic instead of just treating me like dirt because I do not score as high as them. However, I don't want to reveal to them the reasons 'why' because, frankly, issues like schizophrenia and severe mental illness scare people. It is one of the last acceptable forms of discrimination in the modern world.

 

[Functor97]

Yes. The professor is aware of my problems, but I don't think he can quite grasp how significantly the antipsychotic drug impacts one's cognition. I don't blame him though. I don't even know how to put it into words, myself, as to what extent the drug 'deadens' my mind.

My goal is to teach at a college level. I already had to abandon my life goal of being a tenure-track professor about three years ago, which nearly resulted in suicide. So I don't think I can bear to loose another goal in my life like that. Even at a private school, the curriculum is pre-Calculus and the one Calculus class is only taught by the person in the department who has been there the longest. Everyone else is stuck teaching 13 year olds how to solve for x in a quadratic equation. That would just drive me insane, thinking of what I have lost: The opportunity to do real mathematics. It would haunt me every day and I would probably get fired for being a jerk because of the level of resentment I would harbor inside.

I know this sounds goofy, but when your dreams have all been shattered so many times by reasons not your fault, you try to grasp on to ANY sort of feeling of 'identity' that is possible. I appreciate all of your concern. I wish the students in my classes would be more empathetic instead of just treating me like dirt because I do not score as high as them. However, I don't want to reveal to them the reasons 'why' because, frankly, issues like schizophrenia and severe mental illness scare people. It is one of the last acceptable forms of discrimination in the modern world.

I understand. I too have had broken dreams, especially to the point where i have considered how easy it would be to just crawl into a hole and die, without anyone else caring. I feel quite bad that you have had to give up on your dream of becoming a tenured professor, as i too have that dream.
My only point is, do you really want to teach? My interests in mathematics and physics are research based, if i had to watch others research while i taught students (even at the highest levels) i would be quite dissapointed. If you got your masters is there any other job you would consider taking? I mean no one can stop you learning mathematics, but if you do not enjoy teaching then that could be an issue for the job you have in mind. Usually the most interesting topics to teach go to tenured faculty members, so that is my only concern for you.
Of course, if you don't like what i am saying, don't listen to me, follow your goals and you should get somewhere.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

Well, I actually enjoy teaching. But I enjoy teaching material that is somewhat difficult. Teaching Calculus I and II as well as Pre-Calculus is very interesting. In fact, my TA supervisor Instructor says I am the best TA she has had in many years. However, when it comes to High School math, I have NO interest in teaching it. It is formulaic, easy, and I would get no satisfaction from teaching it.

And as for other options, I don't even know of any other options with only a MS degree in Mathematics. Remember, there is government work, but all of those jobs require obtaining a Security Clearance, which I would not be able to obtain. I have reviewed their questions and what they reject people for, and with my experiences (especially the psychiatric hospitalization), they would never give me one. And working on Wall Street would likely precipitate my illness even more due to the long hours. So I am completely stuck in a rut.

 

[Functor97]

Anyway, when you get the exam back, post it here, and i am sure people can give you an idea of the difficulty and tips for the future.
Goodluck.

 

[Sankaku]

And dropping the course, like I said earlier, will not help, because I will need to retake it.

I am just going to throw some short-term ideas out there:

a) Formally Drop the class but still audit it. Take it again later when you have had some more time to absorb the material. Math takes time to understand and if you are cognitively reduced, it will take even longer. I appreciate your determination not to give up, but try to focus on positive plans moving forward.

b) You have probably already checked, but is this teacher harder than others? Does he curve more? Will taking it later give you a chance with another teacher that might work better for your learning style? Yes, analysis is hard, but maybe you aren't completely to blame.

c) Talk to your advisor or, if he isn't the right person, find someone else in the department who you feel comfortable talking to. Although your situation is extreme, many grad students have psychological difficulties and a good department will have someone who will try to help out. I know it is demeaning to ask for special favors but, as an example, a significant number of students at our school get special allowance for more time in exams.

If you can suggest to the department some workable adaptations of the program you are in, they will probably be receptive. Really, take more time. From what you have written, time pressure is your biggest enemy at the moment.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

Well, I leave for class today in about a half an hour. So, I get my Exam back and he will post the solutions, so I will scan my work and attach it as a pdf along with the solutions as a pdf. Hopefully, you guys can help pin-point some of the places I went wrong repeatedly.

I sent the professor a long email last night explaining how the medication destroys my memory. I have told him about it before, but I just don't think he can comprehend how severely it impacts my cognition. I don't blame him. The effects of the drug are so severe that it is impossible to imagine what it is like unless you take it. The closest thing I can say is that it is somewhat like having Alzheimer's. In fact, it is a good analogy, because Alzheimer's Disease is largely based on having a dysfunctional Acetylcholine neurotransmission system AND Zyprexa (the antipsychotic I take) is one of the strongest Acetylcholine antagonists known. That is, it blocks transmission of that transmitter which is involved directly in memory formation.

So I will probably have yet another 'dreaded meeting' with the professor today. After the last Exam he asked to talk to me in private and I am sure he will do it again. So I am a bit on edge and worried to say the least. He is an intimidating person. He just seems to have everything so 'well put together' and seems 'perfect.' It makes me feel like scum of the Earth.

Again, I am not going to drop or audit the class. I know for a fact that all the people who teach analysis at U-Del are hard-core with the grading, so it is not just this guy. And if I end up only getting 3 academic credits this semester (from Vector Spaces), I run the risk of being dismissed since the minimum per semester is 6.

I am not a religious person whatsoever, but if I was, I would pray hard that something can be put together so that I can pass this class and get all 6 credits this semester. And I certainly will not take Analysis Part II until the Spring of 2013. There is no way I want to put myself through this class again after Winter Break. I will ask around the other students as to what is easy.

I know for sure I want to take Algebra I (Abstract/ Modern Algebra) next semester, and I will try to find something else relatively 'easy' to take. Everyone claims that Algebra I is both fun and interesting, and that he grades leniently (only one professor teaches it).

 

[TheEigenvalue]

Well, I have some bad news. My professor spoke with me 'one-on-one' for over an hour today about my work. He acknowledges that my illness and medications are to blame for my performance, but basically said that I will likely be kicked out of the Program at the end of the term.

I almost cried in his office and I think he could tell. I just am in complete shock and still can't wrap my head around how the world can be so unfair. I mean, as an adult, I know that life is NOT fair, but I still feel hurt when my life is crushed over and over again by blow after blow. It hurts just as much every time.

So my dream of being a tenure-track professor was crushed 3 years ago. It took over 2 years of intense psychotherapy to even begin to recover from that (include one suicide attempt). Now my "lesser" dream of being a college-level Instructor/Lecturer has been crushed. I don't know how many years it will take to recover from this, but it isn't going to be fun. That's for sure.

Now, I suppose I will have to fulfill the stereotypes as follows.

Stereotype I: I am a person with Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia who is a 'loser.' I can't succeed in life, and I have to settle for less than 'excellent' in my life goals. I will never amount of anything worthy and important and will live my life in shame and regret.

Stereotype II: I will have to be a High School math teacher, angrily teaching boring garbage because I failed at being a Professor. I am the typical 'shattered dreams' person who has to work in a job they don't want because they couldn't 'cut it' in the field they aspired to.

So yes, I am a bit upset. My apologies if I am coming across as 'hostile.' I am not trying to do that. I am just confused and saddened that life really IS as harsh, cold, and unfair as people say. I just wish that as a child, I wasn't told over-and-over-again that I could be ANYTHING I wanted as long as I tried my hardest. If I could go back to those teachers and tell them anything, it would be to NOT tell young people that that statement is true.

Does anyone have any advice? Or even just any thoughts to share to try to comfort me in my time of need. Thanks.

 

[diligence]

4: finally, someone up there said do lots of problems. I'm going to have to disagree and say doing problems never ever really helped me that much. THe problems are not hard to do open book because you can just kinda follow what you think is the right chain of thought without deep understanding of the theorems or even definitions. I think the best way to learn this stuff is just to hammer in the definitions and theorems. When you got that I think you'll find it comes a lot easier.

I have to strongly disagree with this. I know everybody's different and different methods work for different people; maybe your problem-solving skills are already honed enough that you only need to know the definitions and theorems. But I went into my last exam having spent more time hammering home the def'ns and thm's than actually "doing" math, and when it came time to perform I was completely handcuffed because I had not spent much time actually exercising my problem-solving skills.

More than anything else, my brain needs practice to succeed on Analysis exams. I would even argue that, at this level, it doesn't really matter if you completely understand the proofs of theorems: it's more important to understand how to APPLY the theorems. I'm not saying understanding the proofs isn't important. But for me, on my last exam, I would have been better off not even worrying about theorem proofs and just doing problems.

And yeah, of course doing the problems open book isn't really going to help. You need to try them closed book as much as possible.

 

[micromass]

TheEigenvalue,

I have been following this thread in the hope that everything would turn out alright for you. I'm extremely saddened that it didn't.

I don't have schizo-affective disorder and I have no idea what it is like for you. I do have my share of mental problems, and I do know how people react to it. It is indeed one of the last existing taboos. If people see somebody with a broken leg, then they help the person. But somebody like you - who has to deal with so much more! - it treated like dirt. This is not ok I've seen it happen before (in my own family) and it angers me to no extent.

I understand that your dream has been shattered by things you're not even responsible about. You never asked for bipolar disorder. You have the right on a normal life and on the same opportunities as everybody else.

But please, do not think you're worthless. You are absolutely not. You have your entire mental illness to carry with you. Most people wouldn't even be able to handle that! Most people life happy and perfect lifes with few worries at all. They don't know what it is to be mentally ill. They wouldn't be able to do the things you do. You're even capable of living an almost normal life! This is a very deep accomplishment!
Don't feel worthless. In my eyes, you are a hero. You are a victim of your own brain and you can handle things so good! I'm in awe of people like you, and I hope you will once get the recognition you deserve. I'm not kidding here or trying to make you feel good, I totally mean it.

Grad school didn't work out for you. But that doesn't mean your life is over! There are so many jobs out there that you can still do. You gave 2 options, but there is so much more that you can do. Take some time off and think about things. Talk to your psychiatrist. Talk to other people. You'll see that you have so many options left.

And there is no reason why you can't read math texts in your own free time. Not only professors get to do research. You can do research as well if you like it! Your job will not be what you imagined, but that doesn't mean that you can't do the things you like...

If you want, you can PM me any time you want. I'll even give you my e-mail if you want. If you want to talk, or if you feel bad, then don't hesitate to contact me!

 

[Functor97]

Well, I have some bad news. My professor spoke with me 'one-on-one' for over an hour today about my work. He acknowledges that my illness and medications are to blame for my performance, but basically said that I will likely be kicked out of the Program at the end of the term.

I almost cried in his office and I think he could tell. I just am in complete shock and still can't wrap my head around how the world can be so unfair. I mean, as an adult, I know that life is NOT fair, but I still feel hurt when my life is crushed over and over again by blow after blow. It hurts just as much every time.

So my dream of being a tenure-track professor was crushed 3 years ago. It took over 2 years of intense psychotherapy to even begin to recover from that (include one suicide attempt). Now my "lesser" dream of being a college-level Instructor/Lecturer has been crushed. I don't know how many years it will take to recover from this, but it isn't going to be fun. That's for sure.

Now, I suppose I will have to fulfill the stereotypes as follows.

Stereotype I: I am a person with Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia who is a 'loser.' I can't succeed in life, and I have to settle for less than 'excellent' in my life goals. I will never amount of anything worthy and important and will live my life in shame and regret.

Stereotype II: I will have to be a High School math teacher, angrily teaching boring garbage because I failed at being a Professor. I am the typical 'shattered dreams' person who has to work in a job they don't want because they couldn't 'cut it' in the field they aspired to.

So yes, I am a bit upset. My apologies if I am coming across as 'hostile.' I am not trying to do that. I am just confused and saddened that life really IS as harsh, cold, and unfair as people say. I just wish that as a child, I wasn't told over-and-over-again that I could be ANYTHING I wanted as long as I tried my hardest. If I could go back to those teachers and tell them anything, it would be to NOT tell young people that that statement is true.

Does anyone have any advice? Or even just any thoughts to share to try to comfort me in my time of need. Thanks.

That is tragic. I am sorry. I am not going to sugar coat it, you have been dealt a hard hand.

If you leave, its not impossible that you will return to a different grad school to get your masters... I mean it will be hard convincing another school to let you return, but its not impossible.

Don't think you are worthless, don't self harm. You must feel terrible, but the best revenge is to live well.

 

[Nano-Passion]

^ I hope that I can achieve my goal, however teaching High School would not satisfy me. I desire to teach things like Calculus and to teach to college students and not to have to deal with teenagers. And all of the Community Colleges I have looked at require a Masters to teach Mathematics. Some fields don't require a Master's, but Math does unfortunately. And although tutoring brings in some money, I want to live a normal life: raise a family, have a secure future, have a retirement savings, etc. and tutoring is not stable enough or well paying enough for that.

One thing I learned about Nash is that he stopped taking his medication after awhile AND most of his major accomplishments occurred before the onset of his most severe symptoms. The movie "A Beautiful Mind" distorts the true story quite a bit, and makes it look more 'hopeful' than it really was for Nash.

As for the nature of my illness, I have a form of Bipolar that is sometimes called Schizoaffective Disorder. It is a combination of the 'classic' mood disorder, but also with schizophrenic symptoms present. My paranoia last Fall was very bizarre in nature and I don't even know how to describe it. Much of it dealt with my trouble being in a crowded environment. My mind had this problem where it hyperfocused on certain sounds (usually very irritating sounds like people arguing and silverware clashing on plates) and it was so overwhelming that I started to lose touch with reality. There were many occasions when I thought some student on the street was "secretly aware" of how crazy I was and that they were being set up by the cops to arrest me and lock me up in a psychiatric hospital. So I would often start screaming, out of nowhere, at undergraduates on the street in Newark City. Of course they didn't know what was going on, but to me, they were guilty of espionage.

I also was in a constant state of being simultaneously so tired that I couldn't motivate myself to go to class, but so intensely agitated that I would often erupt in either tears or start cursing out any and everything in sight. I would present what is called a "Formal Thought Disorder" where my words were not even real English language phrases but just bits and pieces of sentences, some words not even meaning anything, but rather just guttural vocalizations of my intense instability. I really don't know HOW I didn't get arrested honestly. Luckily, I 'threw in the towel' and left the program and started taking my Zyprexa again, and within a month, I was better.

Just even re-telling the story scares the living crap out of me. Psychosis is one of the most horrifying things on planet earth. The closest thing to psychosis I have seen portrayed was in a film called "Black Swan" that was put out around this time last year. The symptoms experienced by the protagonist were hauntingly similar to mine.

Now, perhaps, you can see why I am so tentative about going off of the medication.

Wow, I'm very surprised you take graduate classes and your vocabulary and writing skills are this good. My brother himself has schizophrenia, he has been in and out of the hospital 3-4 times. He is currently at the hospital right and now and I try to visit him as much as possible. It is an absolutely terrible illness. Just be grateful you don't have the full blown schizophrenia. You don't understand how great it is that you've come to terms with this and take medicine and take graduate classes. My brother is extreemly robbed of his intellectual being, I don't think he can just survive calculus. Please try to be thankful, there are others in a much worst case than you. I'm not even sure if my brother has finally come in term with his illness, he always refuses medication. I just pray to God that he will come to his senses when he comes back.

I'm VERY VERY sorry about you being kicked out of the program. It has been two very hard years with my brother battling schizophrenia. It isn't very fun at all, especially if he never wants to take his medicine.. because everyone in the family suffers. Point is, please, don't hate yourself for anything. There is so much more you can do in life than what my brother can even dream of.

 

[Nano-Passion]

TheEigenvalue,

I have been following this thread in the hope that everything would turn out alright for you. I'm extremely saddened that it didn't.

I don't have schizo-affective disorder and I have no idea what it is like for you. I do have my share of mental problems, and I do know how people react to it. It is indeed one of the last existing taboos. If people see somebody with a broken leg, then they help the person. But somebody like you - who has to deal with so much more! - it treated like dirt. This is not ok I've seen it happen before (in my own family) and it angers me to no extent.

I understand that your dream has been shattered by things you're not even responsible about. You never asked for bipolar disorder. You have the right on a normal life and on the same opportunities as everybody else.

But please, do not think you're worthless. You are absolutely not. You have your entire mental illness to carry with you. Most people wouldn't even be able to handle that! Most people life happy and perfect lifes with few worries at all. They don't know what it is to be mentally ill. They wouldn't be able to do the things you do. You're even capable of living an almost normal life! This is a very deep accomplishment!
Don't feel worthless. In my eyes, you are a hero. You are a victim of your own brain and you can handle things so good! I'm in awe of people like you, and I hope you will once get the recognition you deserve. I'm not kidding here or trying to make you feel good, I totally mean it.

Grad school didn't work out for you. But that doesn't mean your life is over! There are so many jobs out there that you can still do. You gave 2 options, but there is so much more that you can do. Take some time off and think about things. Talk to your psychiatrist. Talk to other people. You'll see that you have so many options left.

And there is no reason why you can't read math texts in your own free time. Not only professors get to do research. You can do research as well if you like it! Your job will not be what you imagined, but that doesn't mean that you can't do the things you like...

If you want, you can PM me any time you want. I'll even give you my e-mail if you want. If you want to talk, or if you feel bad, then don't hesitate to contact me!

There is not a single word here that I don't completely and utterly agree with. Well put.

 

[Sankaku]

Does anyone have any advice? Or even just any thoughts to share to try to comfort me in my time of need. Thanks.

The only thing I can say is hang in there. Life sucks right now, but the world will offer you other opportunities. If you genuinely want to learn, you can learn. It may not be in the grad program where you are now. It might have to be later, slower or somewhere else, but no one can stop you from taking one step at a time.

I feel for you. Just remember that there are always more options than you think in life. A Masters is just a piece of paper. Yes, it does allow you entry into some jobs, but it doesn't change who YOU are. Try your best not to let other people dictate your value.

 

[Nano-Passion]

The only thing I can say is hang in there. Life sucks right now, but the world will offer you other opportunities. If you genuinely want to learn, you can learn. It may not be in the grad program where you are now. It might have to be later, slower or somewhere else, but no one can stop you from taking one step at a time.

I feel for you. Just remember that there are always more options than you think in life. A Masters is just a piece of paper. Yes, it does allow you entry into some jobs, but it doesn't change who YOU are. Try your best not to let other people dictate your value.

Very wise words. OP, be careful not to fall trap to one idealism. There is so much other beauty to life, so many other fascinating topics. Pick up a book on neuroscience, if that doesn't give you an appreciation for life than I don't know what will.

http://www.closertotruth.com/

Click on the conciousness part, they have some very interesting videos!

You don't have to be a math wiz to feel good about yourself. If you lead a life full of wisdom you would be surprised how beautiful life can feel.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

Yes. The Schizophrenia-Family of mental illnesses (including my "Schizoaffective Type") is devastating in so many ways. I feel as though, perhaps if I was struck down by the disorder as a younger child, I would be 'used' to disappointment after disappointment. But the illness struck right at the peak of my academic successes. So that makes it so hard to process the consequences, like dealing with taking antipsychotic drugs.

As to the other members who know someone with this type of disorder, I feel for you and your loved one. Most people with these disorders are very strong-willed and will do anything they can to try to keep their heads above water. But with dealing with how frankly frightening the paranoia/hallucinations/delusions are, and then the cognitive dullness of being on an antipsychotic drug, many of us succumb to being apathetic and bitter. I hope that your loved ones can find something to be proud of, just like I am currently trying to find SOMEthing in my life that is 'important.'

It is just so hard, in this culture of 'greatness', 'excellence', and cut-throat competition, to have a disability that you simply cannot do anything about. The parts of my disorder like the depression and mood problems can be changed by things I DO (like psychotherapy and keeping a level head), but things like the bizarre symptoms and the medication side effects are just plain not in our hands.

I will say this: I now, more than ever, stick by my choice to take the antipsychotic drug as directed. Since this 'crisis' started, through now, I have been able to keep myself from simply falling into a deep depression or have my bizarre symptoms re-emerge. I actually saw my psychiatrist this morning and had a good meeting with him. He basically told me the same things most of you have said, about finding self-worth outside of academia, etc. He also slightly adjusted some of my other (non-antipsychotic) medications so that I will be less sedated and will be more resilient to any depression that could occur. However, we are sticking with the Zyprexa.

Interestingly, he did say that a new drug, Latuda (Lurasidone), is being put through the FDA process to seek approval for Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder and will likely be available to me by next year. The doctor said that it has far less cognitive side-effects and less sedation, but just as much anti-psychosis power. So, at least whatever venture I decide to embark on next, perhaps I will be able to do better with this new drug.

Thanks for helping me through these rough times. Please continue to give advice if you so desire. It means a lot to me. Really.

 

[Functor97]

Yes. The Schizophrenia-Family of mental illnesses (including my "Schizoaffective Type") is devastating in so many ways. I feel as though, perhaps if I was struck down by the disorder as a younger child, I would be 'used' to disappointment after disappointment. But the illness struck right at the peak of my academic successes. So that makes it so hard to process the consequences, like dealing with taking antipsychotic drugs.

As to the other members who know someone with this type of disorder, I feel for you and your loved one. Most people with these disorders are very strong-willed and will do anything they can to try to keep their heads above water. But with dealing with how frankly frightening the paranoia/hallucinations/delusions are, and then the cognitive dullness of being on an antipsychotic drug, many of us succumb to being apathetic and bitter. I hope that your loved ones can find something to be proud of, just like I am currently trying to find SOMEthing in my life that is 'important.'

It is just so hard, in this culture of 'greatness', 'excellence', and cut-throat competition, to have a disability that you simply cannot do anything about. The parts of my disorder like the depression and mood problems can be changed by things I DO (like psychotherapy and keeping a level head), but things like the bizarre symptoms and the medication side effects are just plain not in our hands.

I will say this: I now, more than ever, stick by my choice to take the antipsychotic drug as directed. Since this 'crisis' started, through now, I have been able to keep myself from simply falling into a deep depression or have my bizarre symptoms re-emerge. I actually saw my psychiatrist this morning and had a good meeting with him. He basically told me the same things most of you have said, about finding self-worth outside of academia, etc. He also slightly adjusted some of my other (non-antipsychotic) medications so that I will be less sedated and will be more resilient to any depression that could occur. However, we are sticking with the Zyprexa.

Interestingly, he did say that a new drug, Latuda (Lurasidone), is being put through the FDA process to seek approval for Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder and will likely be available to me by next year. The doctor said that it has far less cognitive side-effects and less sedation, but just as much anti-psychosis power. So, at least whatever venture I decide to embark on next, perhaps I will be able to do better with this new drug.

Thanks for helping me through these rough times. Please continue to give advice if you so desire. It means a lot to me. Really.

I would still be interested in seeing the exam. I mean, just out of interest.

Anyway if that's not possible, what do you think you will do next?

 

[deluks917]

I also would not mind seeing the exam.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

I will get it scanned by this afternoon. I just have to make sure that the professor has the exam posted on his website too (which he probably does) so that I am not releasing copyrighted material or anything.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

Here are the first three pages of the Exam in pdf format. Note that I messed up scanning and they need to be rotated to view correctly. Since Adobe Reader only allows you to view 'as is' I couldn't save a copy correctly oriented.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

This is the final page

The solutions are not posted on the professor's site yet.

 

[FactorsOf2]

Hi Eigenvalue,

I think you need to recognize that you have a _lot_ to offer the world and a lot to enjoy from life that has nothing to do with your job. You should start focusing more on hobbies, learning the maths that enjoy on your own, family, community etc.

People tend to have this idea that they'll have to work their job until they're 65 so it better be ideal ...this simply isn't true. Learn to live frugally to maximize savings, do not take on the typical consumer debt (e.g. auto loans) and invest wisely - you will be financially independent i.e. retired in less than twenty years, even on a high school teacher salary. Read up a bit on personal finance and "early retirement" for more info (there are some great blogs about this e.g. "Mr. Money Moustache" and "Early Retirement Extreme").

 

[Oriako]

I've followed along with this entire thread and I'm really saddened to hear that things did not work out. Don't fret through (well it is natural to fret), but don't dwell on it for years or something like that. You have still have a lot of potential and with your mental impairment I'm surprised that you made it as far as you did in the rigid and structured, "be normal or die" environment of academia. My father has Bi-Polar disorder and my entire family essentially has mental illness so I do understand your situation.

There are many opportunities for employment where you can have a comfortable life with a decent salary and just relegate mathematics as a hobby. You can still be incredibly committed to your work on mathematics and maybe even do research every once in a while. I know of a high school teacher who teaches AP Math (where I graduated from high school) who does some research on the side and publishes a paper or two every now and then. He teaches Grade 12 Pure Math, Grade 12 Applied Math, and AP Calculus, and continues along the lines of what he did his undergraduate thesis on (he never went to Grad school).

Do not think that being a high school teacher is a failure if you do end up going that route, and if you do not want to then don't! With an undergraduate degree in Mathematics there are many employment opportunities available for you!

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you continue to update this thread with what you end up doing or let me know sometime in a PM or e-mail. Let me know if you ever want to talk, I would be willing to help support you in any way that I could if you want someone to bounce math ideas off of or whatever!

 

[TheEigenvalue]

One good thing I have to report is that my professors have been really accommodating with me in this tough time.

They understand that I want to stay until the end of the Semester for the sake of my TA- students, so they have both told me that I don't really need to come to class if I am still feeling under-the-weather. That means a lot to me since, although I haven't gotten 'depressed' or 'psychotic' from all of the bad news, I certainly have been suffering and have been even MORE tired (if that is humanly possible...) than usual.

I feel better than last week, but I won't probably be back to the classroom until the end of the week. But I still teach my TA students since that actually takes my mind OFF of the hardships and makes me happy to see their smiling faces.

There is still no 'official' word as to if I need to take final exams or not, but everyone is being very kind to me, so I am happy. I think NO one in the department wanted it to end this way, but now that it is inevitable, they are trying to keep me happy and stress-free which is very kind.