To Tell or Not To Tell: Dealing with a Friend's Relationship

[tribdog]

You're not doing that though are you. It probably saves people a lot more heart ache in the long run.

But its not up to you to save people from heart ache. Its their heart and their ache let them have it. People aren't veal.

 

[Kurdt]

Like I said its not your choice in the end anyway, its theirs, you're just passing on information. What they do with it is up to them.

 

[tribdog]

You wrote down the names of the kids who got out of their seat when the teacher left the room didn't you.

 

[Evo]

Wow, am I the only one that would want to be told? If I found out someone knew this and didn't tell me, I'd be furious.

I guess I just don't get how people think.

 

[Kurdt]

I guess I just don't get how people think.

I'm with you on that.

 

[tribdog]

Evo your last husband was no good for you. didn't anyone tell you that before you married him? How would you have reacted if your bridesmaid would have came up to you at the wedding and said "don't do it, Evo. You're just going to end up divorced in a few years."

You think telling this girl is the right thing to do, but the girl is happy right now. Don't destroy that. She is not being hurt. She is simply in a relationship where one partner has stronger feelings than the other one does. Don't judge the entire relationship by what some guy says when he's bragging to his friends. Judge the relationship on how this guy treats her when they are together. He's making her happy. Most relationships don't last forever no need to help with the destruction.

 

[tribdog]

I know I've had plenty of relationships where I didn't feel the same way about someone as they felt about me. So has everyone else here. That's part of dating.

AHHH I've got so many analogies running through my head I can't put them all down.

I used to try to stick my finger into the wall sockets. My parents would tell me NO and slap my hand away. I would cry and be upset with them then when their back was turned I'd try to stick my finger into the wall socket again. One day I managed to pull a plug part way out and touch the metal with my finger. I never tried sticking my finger into wall sockets after that, but I had to learn for myself.

I used to be in love with Whitney Houston. I had her posters on my wall. I wanted to marry her when I grew up. When I grew up I no longer wanted to marry her, she was no good for me. that doesn't mean I didn't love her when I was younger or that I wasn't happy in my fantasy.

 

[Evo]

Evo your last husband was no good for you. didn't anyone tell you that before you married him? How would you have reacted if your bridesmaid would have came up to you at the wedding and said "don't do it, Evo. You're just going to end up divorced in a few years."

I wish someone had known and told me. He had just moved into town and no one knew him.

I also got married in the courthouse, I don't believe in weddings.

You think telling this girl is the right thing to do, but the girl is happy right now. Don't destroy that. She is not being hurt. She is simply in a relationship where one partner has stronger feelings than the other one does. Don't judge the entire relationship by what some guy says when he's bragging to his friends. Judge the relationship on how this guy treats her when they are together. He's making her happy. Most relationships don't last forever no need to help with the destruction.

I disagree, but that's how I feel about the situation. I would want to know what's going on and I would be angry to find out that I was being kept in the dark. Tell me what you know and I'll decide what to do with that information. But that's me. I would expect a friend to let me know anything they suspected.

In other words, fileen has no way to know how anyone is going to respond.

 

[Andre]

I'm with Evo. I think it should be told. Seen many relationships like that of which it could have been foreseen to end in a tragic way. Better now than a morgage and two kids later.

But it's tricky.

 

[tribdog]

Its funny. I'm actually getting upset. I hadn't realized I felt so strongly about freedom. I suppose we could take this girl and put her into a plastic bubble and tell her what to read and what to eat and who to date. We could filter the air. Make sure she never drinks any alcohol or eats fried foods. Put padding on all the sharp corners so she doesn't risk a bruise. Keep her out of the sun. We know what's best for her. As long as no one puts us into bubbles we'll be able do whatever we want and we can censor what we allow her to experience. What? You say she is extremely happy in her current relationship? We'll she shouldn't be! Just wait until I tell her that her boyfriend is a little bit immature and brags to his friends about his sex life. That'll wipe the smile off her face. then she'll be broken hearted instead of happy, she'll thank us for it I'm sure.

 

[fileen]

You wrote down the names of the kids who got out of their seat when the teacher left the room didn't you.

I didnt go to school so no, that kid wasnt me. I am also a huge fan of rule breaking which is why my mother saw fit to keep me home. I don't want to tell her, but I do want her to know. I think she's being treated unfairly, and if we were closer I wouldn't even have to think about it, Id just tell her. The problem is, that she's just begun to like me and and I her. My other house mate and myself are going to just keep harassing Fred until he stops being dumb. Hes notorious for making stupid decisions and usually takes my advise. If nothing else he will quit talking that way around us. I suspect that Fred has never had a sexual relationship with someone and may just be bragging because he's excited about it. Hes 25 years old but he hasnt had the luck with the ladies being both a biochemistry nerd and a pothead. In the 3 years I've known him I know he hasnt had a girlfriend and despite his efforts has not even gotten to experience a one night stand. I think that when he hears from us that saying these things is not ok, he might start to tell us about the non physical things he likes about the girl. If not, I will have no shame in telling her, but the relationships just begun and it might get better. She barely knows him so I think she's dumb for getting so attached in the first place.

 

[Andre]

Its funny. I'm actually getting upset.

You're getting carried away, Trib. Things like that have neither been said nor intended. let's try and see it objectively, perhaps almost like the scientific method. Decisions should be based on sound data and information. If that information is withheld, sound decisions can't be made. And afterwards there is the mess to clean up.

 

[tribdog]

Of course he's immature. He's new to sex and he feels like a big man to be able to talk about it. He's seen porno and he's listened to rap so he knows how he's supposed to talk about sex. Truth is, he probably does have feelings for her, but doesn't want to sound like he's whipped. If every relationship was ended because one of the persons acted like an *** then the human race would become extinct.
She's in love, He'll grow up. Or they'll break up. That's life and it is none of your business. Keep your nose out of it.
There is not a person in here who hasn't said something to one of their friends about someone that they wouldn't like that person to know. That's what friends and private messages are for.

 

[BobG]

girls just seem to be oblivious sometimes or intentionally ignore what's right in front of them if they like a guy. As though not noticing it will make it go away. I am sure guys do it too

It does make it go away. If your wife stops living at home and you don't notice, your problem goes away.

 

[Kurdt]

Its funny. I'm actually getting upset. I hadn't realized I felt so strongly about freedom. I suppose we could take this girl and put her into a plastic bubble and tell her what to read and what to eat and who to date. We could filter the air. Make sure she never drinks any alcohol or eats fried foods. Put padding on all the sharp corners so she doesn't risk a bruise. Keep her out of the sun. We know what's best for her. As long as no one puts us into bubbles we'll be able do whatever we want and we can censor what we allow her to experience. What? You say she is extremely happy in her current relationship? We'll she shouldn't be! Just wait until I tell her that her boyfriend is a little bit immature and brags to his friends about his sex life. That'll wipe the smile off her face. then she'll be broken hearted instead of happy, she'll thank us for it I'm sure.

I think that's a bit of an over reaction. Like I've tried to convey previously its not about removing freedom. Its about giving her information which she can act upon in any way she sees fit. Thats not the same as telling her not to see the guy. If anything I'd say it gives her more freedom and more control over her life.

 

[tribdog]

You're getting carried away, Trib. Things like that have neither been said nor intended. let's try and see it objectively, perhaps almost like the scientific method. Decisions should be based on sound data and information. If that information is withheld, sound decisions can't be made. And afterwards there is the mess to clean up.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but here goes. Sometimes the scientific method doesn't work. Especially when emotions are involved. THE GIRL IS HAPPY! The guy said some stupid stuff to his friends. That's all. It's not a big deal.
I can probably find 100 posts I'm made on here where I ranted about how my girlfriend did something that made me mad, or made me laugh. that doesn't mean I want you to call her and read them off to her. People, especially young, immature boys, say things to their friends. Lots of times they say jerky things because they think it makes them look cool. tell him if he's being jerky, don't narc him off. If you've never said anything behind someone's back that you'd prefer they didn't know about then I'll stop arguing right now and start worshiping you immediately.

 

[Andre]

Of course he's immature. He's new to sex and he feels like a big man to be able to talk about it. He's seen porno and he's listened to rap so he knows how he's supposed to talk about sex. Truth is, he probably does have feelings for her, but doesn't want to sound like he's whipped. If every relationship was ended because one of the persons acted like an *** then the human race would become extinct.
She's in love, He'll grow up. Or they'll break up. That's life and it is none of your business. Keep your nose out of it.
There is not a person in here who hasn't said something to one of their friends about someone that they wouldn't like that person to know. That's what friends and private messages are for.

Could be but I have seen jackasses aged 20 being a lot worse jackasses aged 40, having ruined some other lives.

 

[BobG]

Of course he's immature. He's new to sex and he feels like a big man to be able to talk about it. He's seen porno and he's listened to rap so he knows how he's supposed to talk about sex. Truth is, he probably does have feelings for her, but doesn't want to sound like he's whipped. If every relationship was ended because one of the persons acted like an *** then the human race would become extinct.
She's in love, He'll grow up. Or they'll break up. That's life and it is none of your business. Keep your nose out of it.
There is not a person in here who hasn't said something to one of their friends about someone that they wouldn't like that person to know. That's what friends and private messages are for.

trib might have a point. I don't really know what he's saying about her.

Evo's golddigger is stealing Evo's friend's money. I'm not sure whether Fred is actually hurting the girlfriend. Kind of depends on what he's saying and who he's saying it to. If he's actually doing something to hurt her, then I'd tell her. If this is just a room mate thing, then maybe it isn't.

I'd still tell him I didn't really want to be part of his game.

 

[Kurdt]

Well I will concede in the light of the new information he may just be getting carried away but if I knew him and he was deliberately being an arse I'd call him out.

 

[tribdog]

Could be but I have seen jackasses aged 20 being a lot worse jackasses aged 40, having ruined some other lives.

and you've seen just as many jackasses aged 20 who grew up, got their stuff together and turned into good people. I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you can put yourself into this category. I'm pretty sure you've done or said something stupid in your younger days.

 

[Evo]

Its funny. I'm actually getting upset. I hadn't realized I felt so strongly about freedom. I suppose we could take this girl and put her into a plastic bubble and tell her what to read and what to eat and who to date. We could filter the air. Make sure she never drinks any alcohol or eats fried foods. Put padding on all the sharp corners so she doesn't risk a bruise. Keep her out of the sun. We know what's best for her. As long as no one puts us into bubbles we'll be able do whatever we want and we can censor what we allow her to experience. What? You say she is extremely happy in her current relationship? We'll she shouldn't be! Just wait until I tell her that her boyfriend is a little bit immature and brags to his friends about his sex life. That'll wipe the smile off her face. then she'll be broken hearted instead of happy, she'll thank us for it I'm sure.

You're just projecting your own feelings into this and stating how you'd react if you were her. You're not the girlfriend, you're not Fred, you're not Fileen.

Like I said, none of us know how this girl would react, we can only say how we'd react.

Knowing how you'd react confirms that we would not get along.

You think knowledge would somehow remove this girl's freedom? What? Limiting her knowledge limits her available options. You don't know that she'd be broken hearted, she might be grateful to be tipped off and spared a heartbreak. Just because you would feel hurt, has nothing to do with how she would take it. We're not her and we don't know.

 

[Andre]

Actually the big criterium, fileen, is if he is a "we-person" or an "I-person". There are not a lot of "I-persons" with stable relationships. Personal observation.

 

[Kurdt]

Is an i-person a new apple product?

 

[fileen]

You're just projecting your own feelings into this and stating how you'd react if you were her. You're not the girlfriend, you're not Fred, you're not Fileen.

Like I said, none of us know how this girl would react, we can only say how we'd react.

Knowing how you'd react confirms that we would not get along.

not necessarily, I would want to know, and I know you would so if it were you Id have no problem telling you, Trib however clearly would like everyone to butt out and let him make his own mistakes. If I knew him personally Id probably know to leave him alone. I have friends who would agree with him. I just don't know what this girl will be like when she finds out. If Fred had only spoken that way one or two times I wouldn't be offended, but he's always saying things like, "Wheres b***h when I need her, I am effing horny" and then he stalks off. He may just be bragging but I have a hard time believing he cares about her and can call her things like that when she's not around

 

[tribdog]

You're just projecting your own feelings into this and stating how you'd react if you were her. You're not the girlfriend, you're not Fred, you're not Fileen.

Like I said, none of us know how this girl would react, we can only say how we'd react.

Knowing how you'd react confirms that we would not get along.

You got it exactly backwards. I'm not projecting my feelings into how she would react, I'm saying we have to not let our feelings anywhere near this relationship. Don't interfere because it is not our relationship. You are the one saying, if it was me, I'd want to know. If I'm projecting my feelings anywhere it is towards Fred. I've been "Fred" I've said things to my friends that were for their ears only.
If one day every private message sent on PF was released to the public it would turn out that a lot of us have been "Fred"
1. Loose lips sink ships
2. Nobody likes a tattletale
3. Mind your own beeswax
4. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
5. I get by with a little help from my friends
6. BFF
7. Can you keep a secret?

 

[tribdog]

not necessarily, I would want to know, and I know you would so if it were you Id have no problem telling you, Trib however clearly would like everyone to butt out and let him make his own mistakes. If I knew him personally Id probably know to leave him alone. I have friends who would agree with him. I just don't know what this girl will be like when she finds out. If Fred had only spoken that way one or two times I wouldn't be offended, but he's always saying things like, "Wheres b***h when I need her, I am effing horny" and then he stalks off. He may just be bragging but I have a hard time believing he cares about her and can call her things like that when she's not around

That's how boys talk in the locker room. That's how they talk in rap music. Tell him to quit being two-faced and to grow up. He's new to this and needs to be set straight.

 

[fileen]

In all the time I've known him he's never been so cold and inconsiderate. He is usually a really great person, but I know things change when you live with someone and you see sides of them you otherwise would not. It surprises me that he can say these things to me knowing what my reaction is likely to be.

 

[Moonbear]

I don't think she's even aware of his addiction. Girls can be so dumb when they get in the midst of men.

Now, if she's not aware of his addiction problem, that might be more fair game to sit down and explain to her. If you tell her and she says she already knows, then she's had fair warning. She has to make her own decisions about who she dates.

Wow, am I the only one that would want to be told? If I found out someone knew this and didn't tell me, I'd be furious.

I guess I just don't get how people think.

Everyone says that, until someone tries telling them the guy they're with is no good for them, and then they get mad at the person telling them for not trusting their guy. You really can't protect people from their own bad decisions. The best you can usually do is be there to comfort them when they finally figure it out for themselves.

 

[Moonbear]

In all the time I've known him he's never been so cold and inconsiderate. He is usually a really great person, but I know things change when you live with someone and you see sides of them you otherwise would not. It surprises me that he can say these things to me knowing what my reaction is likely to be.

If you think this is out of character for Fred, maybe the person you need to talk to about this is Fred, not his girlfriend. Let him know you're aware how smitten she is with him, and that she doesn't see it as just a casual sex type thing like he's describing it to you. Tell him you think she's going to be very hurt if he isn't serious about this. As I and others have mentioned, he could just be talking tough, but really cares about her (immature guys don't like to admit when they are falling for a woman for real, so will cover up with a lot of bluff and bluster). Or, he might just think it's nothing serious and doesn't realize she thinks it is.

 

[Cyrus]

Forget about fred, talk to Joe, the plumber.

 

[Evo]

Everyone says that, until someone tries telling them the guy they're with is no good for them, and then they get mad at the person telling them for not trusting their guy.

I guess I am weird then. I've had friends tell me not to trust someone and I was very grateful and dumped the guy. On the flip side, I also had someone cheat on me, and people knew but were afraid to say anything. When I discovered the guy was cheating, I dumped him, then everyone came forward and admited they should have said something. I was pissed. How can you call me a friend and sit idly by while someone is doing something that you know will hurt me? Not my definition of a friend.

I do agree that fileen needs to confront Fred. She also needs to decide where her loyalty lies, realizing that if she does tell this poor girl what Fred is doing that she risks her fiendship with Fred.

Also, I don't think we're talking about 18 year olds here. I think fileen mentioned she's been with her boyfriend a total of 8 years?

 

[DaveC426913]

Its funny. I'm actually getting upset. I hadn't realized I felt so strongly about freedom. I suppose we could take this girl and put her into a plastic bubble and tell her what to read and what to eat and who to date. ..

Why do you assume that when one learns a lesson, one does it in a vacuum? i.e. without the support of friends? Perhaps having friends she can count on for advice is the lesson she needs.

 

[Moonbear]

On the flip side, I also had someone cheat on me, and people knew but were afraid to say anything. When I discovered the guy was cheating, I dumped him, then everyone came forward and admited they should have said something. I was pissed. How can you call me a friend and sit idly by while someone is doing something that you know will hurt me? Not my definition of a friend.

I put cheating in a different category. In a way, there's physical evidence there. If you know your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on her or him, I do think that's something to tell them. But, when it's just that a guy is bragging about being horny, that's really not reason to meddle. There's nothing to say things couldn't develop into a better relationship. How many times do relationships start out as casual sex and become more? Feelings are just too tricky to meddle with other people's relationships. What works for one person might not for another, and vice versa.

 

[Evo]

Yes, but fileen said that this is different, there is more to it, so I am going by what she has described the situation as.

 

[Moonbear]

Yes, but fileen said that this is different, there is more to it, so I am going by what she has described the situation as.

That's always the problem with giving advice. We only have her side of it, which is only based on whatever those involved in the relationship are willing to share.

Now, if the girl starts up a conversation with fileen that she's really attracted to George (or someone else) but doesn't want to hurt Fred breaking up with him, that would be a good time to encourage her to move on. If she doesn't have anything else, and she's happy and it's not abusive, why not let her enjoy what she has for the time it will last. If she thinks the relationship might be abusive, then intervene, but it doesn't sound like that, it just sounds like your average, run of the mill, he wants sex, she wants a relationship, and they're too immature to have talked about what they want before getting involved. They'll learn and move on eventually.