What to do when you feel like you've wasted your potential?

[Zxzx25]

I apologize if this seems out of place on this wonderful forum.

I remember harboring a love for astronomy as a child, and I had this dream of becoming a university professor, I was a bright kid, I used to be a straight A student in grade school without even trying, and I got accepted into a gifted program,

I remember receiving compliments for my intellectual prowess all the time, then somewhere along the line, before high school, my grades slumped, I started failing regularly, I barely got accepted into AP maths and physics in high school and I ended up barely passing those as well,

For the past two years ever since I graduated I've been having bouts of anxiety and depression, I always feel like I could have been so much more had I kept myself in check and worked hard, I feel like a failure, like I'll never succeed, the thought of going to university scares the hell out of me, I beat myself down all the time, and the worst part is, after working blue collar jobs in which I find no satisfaction, particularly because there is no intellectual stimulation,

Throughout those years since I started failing, I've retained my love for the philosophy of physics, I find inspiration in the life stories of physicists and mathematicians, and I still wish to add my name to them, but that also depresses me, because I feel like dead wood, like I'm just a poser, because evidently my maths skills were appalling during high school, so why dare even think about it?

I feel like I'm wasted potential, like a has-been, like I'll never amount to anything let alone get a degree in physics/math, has anyone ever been through something similar? If so please share your opinion I could really use it.

 

[gmax137]

Start today to change your life. Sounds like you're still young, 20 maybe? Can you imagine how you will feel if you drift for another 20 years?

 

[Nidum]

bouts of anxiety and depression,

See a doctor and get a complete medical with blood analysis . Anxiety and depression are medical problems in themselves and they can also be symptoms of other problems .

 

[goingbacktoschool]

I've had a similar situation and I see this all the time. Basically although medicine may help it won't fix it, the core of the problem is your attitude towards yourself, being overly critical of yourself, constantly beating yourself up etc. is what is causing your depression. Fix that and your mental issues will go, then you can concentrate on and search for paths that are still open. So to sum it up, be nicer to yourself, not weirdly or unrealistically, but don't 'beat yourself up', instead 'discuss' things with yourself Without Blame, for example: "I feel like I am unhappy, why is that..." "Is my current situation bad or just not what I want the most" "(talking to yourself) What do you think of the situation? Should I change?" then you may look for options you can still take, like astronomy hobbies (maybe buy telescope?), part time endeavors, some uni courses are taught in the evenings to accommodate for full time workers etc
Remember no blame, you won't be able to complelely stop it cold turkey, but you should stop yourself each time it happens and deem it unacceptable, slowly it will become less frequent until finally you can stop unconstructively beating yourself and instead constructively (and respectfully) discuss, criticize and brainstorm solutions and pathways with yourself

 

[Another Scott]

There's lots of good advice above. Get checked out to make sure you don't have a chemical or medical issue.

Beyond that, remember that we are almost all failures at most things.

I'm no superstar, I'm not rich, I don't give great talks, I was horrible at sports, etc.

I too had an interest in Astronomy as a kid, but found that while I did well in school, it was hopeless for me to pursue astronomy as a career (it's a very tiny field with tremendous competition for full-time positions and little turnover, and there were much better students in those classes than me). I went to graduate school in electrical engineering and have done reasonably well.

Don't be hard on yourself. Maybe astronomy wasn't for you, but maybe something that wasn't even invented when you were in school now is. Keep your eyes and your interests open. Read a lot. Talk to people and broaden your horizons. Go back to school if it's appropriate. It's OK to change your mind and your career.

Nobody is an expert in figuring out how their life will go when they're in college. We all muddle through as best we can. Keep muddling. :-)

Cheers,
Scott.

 

[Choppy]

One of the dangers of "gifted" programs is that it they can pigeon-hole kids well before they are fully developed.

I also think that there's a myth out there that if you don't accomplish great things by the time you're 24, you'll never amount to anything. This is garbage and I think an unfortunate source of stress for a lot of young people. There was a post around here not too long ago about how Maxwell had published while he was a teenager. And while it's important to read about historical experiences, you have to stop and think about how troublesome it is for someone today to compare himself or herself to that set of circumstances. Maxwell was a teenager in the 1840s. The world was a lot different then. Science was a lot different then. But even comparing yourself to the exceptional people today, there's still a statistical trap. You hear about the outliers. These people weren't just born "gifted." They had a lot of dice rolls just come up in their favour.

You don't have a "potential" to live up to. What you have is a unique set of circumstances, a unique set of skills and passions, and challenges. And you can't change your history. You can change your trajectory in life though. If you're not happy with where you are, then start changing things. If university seems like too much of a challenge right now, maybe start with a single course in night school and see how it goes. Maybe join an astronomy club. You don't have to change everything at once. And you might even find that if you're in a better position down the road. It can be a major advantage to attend university with a few extra years of maturity under your belt.

 

[Delong]

I apologize if this seems out of place on this wonderful forum.

I remember harboring a love for astronomy as a child, and I had this dream of becoming a university professor, I was a bright kid, I used to be a straight A student in grade school without even trying, and I got accepted into a gifted program,

I remember receiving compliments for my intellectual prowess all the time, then somewhere along the line, before high school, my grades slumped, I started failing regularly, I barely got accepted into AP maths and physics in high school and I ended up barely passing those as well,

For the past two years ever since I graduated I've been having bouts of anxiety and depression, I always feel like I could have been so much more had I kept myself in check and worked hard, I feel like a failure, like I'll never succeed, the thought of going to university scares the hell out of me, I beat myself down all the time, and the worst part is, after working blue collar jobs in which I find no satisfaction, particularly because there is no intellectual stimulation,

Throughout those years since I started failing, I've retained my love for the philosophy of physics, I find inspiration in the life stories of physicists and mathematicians, and I still wish to add my name to them, but that also depresses me, because I feel like dead wood, like I'm just a poser, because evidently my maths skills were appalling during high school, so why dare even think about it?

I feel like I'm wasted potential, like a has-been, like I'll never amount to anything let alone get a degree in physics/math, has anyone ever been through something similar? If so please share your opinion I could really use it.

I'm sorry but if you're grades slumped before high school than I seriously doubt you were ever really good at real life math or physics just maybe whatever program your middle school may have had. Something I learned in college is that philosophy of something and the actual something are COMPLETELY different. Philosophy is all about talking and asking yourself deep questions but ACTUAL science requires a lot of memorizing dry, uninteresting, mind numbing facts and using your mind more pragmatically and technically.

If you really are bad at math and physics I think maybe you're just more drawn to the history and philosophy of science instead of real actual dry/boring science.

 

[FactChecker]

My two cent philosophy of life:
1) It's never too late.
2) There is a lot more value in level-headed common sense, teamwork skills, people skills, and just plain kindness than many people realize. (A lot of very smart people are real useless jerks.)
3) Judge yourself by how much good work you accumulate through your life, not by the peak achievement. It's all down-hill after the peak, but the cumulative accomplishment keeps growing till you die. Set long-term life goals that are cumulative, rather than peak occasional accomplishments.

Two of the bosses that I admire most had less prestigious degrees than most of the people they were in charge of. One woman started at work as a tech-analyst and ended up as a good manager. One man never considered college till he spent a year as a machinist. He ended up as my boss.

PS. If you have any serious depression, you should see a doctor for help. It's not something to ignore or "tough it out".

 

[rootone]

There's no harm in spending a day in bed reading an interesting book or something.
(Not every day, but a day here and then)

 

[Mmm_Pasta]

I had a student who screwed up a lot when she was younger. She ended up dropping out of university due to poor performance and overall lack of maturity in life. They are back at university now and they are doing really well! It is still about a year or two until they apply for medical school but I would say they are on the right track. Just because one was once a screw does not mean that they are unable grow and become far more successful later.

I do agree with previous posters about seeing a doctor. I highly encourage you to figure out the underlying cause of your anxiety and depression.

 

[Another Scott]

One more thing to keep in mind - our brains don't fully mature until we're far past 18, maybe not until our 40s.

http://phys.org/news/2010-12-brain-fully-mature-30s-40s.html

Don't give up on yourself.

Cheers,
Scott.

 

[Delong]

One more thing to keep in mind - our brains don't fully mature until we're far past 18, maybe not until our 40s.

http://phys.org/news/2010-12-brain-fully-mature-30s-40s.html

Don't give up on yourself.

Cheers,
Scott.

oh wow and I thought that I was mostly already developed at 26... But I love growing up and becoming more mature. I see age as an acceptable price for the benefits of maturity...

 

[Zxzx25]

Wow, I was feeling down and I wanted to vent somewhere, I guess it felt comforting to have my thoughts "out there", I appreciate all your replies, I never realized that people can be this supportive! The thing about seeking therapy is it's expensive and I have a tendency to pick myself up on my own, however I do agree that I must take some
sort of action when it comes to my mental well being, something which I'm sure I will figure out one way or another.

 

[Zxzx25]

I'm sorry but if you're grades slumped before high school than I seriously doubt you were ever really good at real life math or physics just maybe whatever program your middle school may have had. Something I learned in college is that
philosophy of something and the actual something are COMPLETELY different. Philosophy is all about talking and asking yourself deep questions but ACTUAL science
requires a lot of memorizing dry, uninteresting, mind numbing facts and using your mind more pragmatically and technically.

If you really are bad at math and physics I think maybe you're just more drawn to the history and philosophy of science instead of real actual dry/boring science.

You don't have to be sorry for anything, in fact your reply was exactly the one I'm after, you are absolutely right, during high school I mostly struggled with the technical parts of science, the funny thing is I simply thought everyone else "got it" and I didn't, like they just look at a question and a solution is magically formed in their brains, I never really understood the concept of math being a skill, for me it was you either get it or you don't, later on when I had to prepare for my finals ( my math teacher was lazy and never really cared for homework so I got away with never doing them ) it dawned on me, that you actually get better at it the more you do it, physics though was a different story, I got decent grades throughout and got a B as my final grade, math I barely passed, looking at it now, my question truly is nonesense, if I really wanted to do science I would do it and if I just thought I did I would spend my days fantasizing about it while staring at the ceiling, your reply truly inspired me to figure that out already, for that I do thank you my good sir/madame.

 

[ebos]

It sounds to me as if you may be comparing yourself to someone? Perhaps your early caregivers had 'too high' expectations of you in regards to certain subjects. Remember, as much as we are taught growing up to be more competitive and productive, it just isn't true. Life isn't a competition. It's an experience. When I feel like you are feeling now, I try to watch video of stock traders on a really busy day. (A most extreme form of competition.) Or any other similar video - New York traffic and pedestrians during lunch hour on Fast Forward. It makes me laugh. Is this what you want to be a part of? If you can't do math, you're definitely not alone. So why keep banging your head against that wall? Maybe you're an artist. Or a writer.

 

[chiro]

Hey zxzx25.

Building on the rest of the advice above, I'd imagine this has a lot to do with what you think others expect of you in addition to what you expect of yourself.

The subjects you are talking about are subjects that require work - lots of work. Even gifted people have to put in the work and it's often a chore/bore to do a lot of the stuff you encounter in the STEM fields.

I think you should try and forget about what others have told you (about yourself and your abilities that is) and realize that the only way to do stuff in life is to work as hard as you can and maintain that energy as long as possible to get through a task.

You will have to believe in yourself no doubt - but work is the most important criteria and you say you did things in your past quite easily and this is really (in my opinion at least) where the problem lies. It seems that you are expecting things to remain that way when in all seriousness they don't remain that way.

If you can learn to work hard and not put so much focus on yourself or the expectations others think of you and take yourself "out of the equation" (so to speak) then it will allow you to focus on doing the work and acknowledging that it just requires more and more work the harder a task actually gets. If you stop holding on to those things like praise and expectations of the past then it will be a lot easier to just get into things, knuckle down, and focus on the task at hand knowing that the only real certainty is that putting in sound, directed, organized effort will take a person closer to a goal and while they may not be guaranteed to get there, they are guaranteed if they do it sensibly to get closer and closer the more work is undertaken.

Dreams are great things - but they mean nothing without actual energy.

 

[Nusrat Jabeen]

First you have to know that passing or failing an exam do not prove your efficiency. Grade is just a number.Running after good score may add feather to your cap but you will never be happy when you are not doing what you want . If you love astronomy then gradesheet should not deviate you. There are examples of many scientists who worked in spite of the fact that it was not their job. We work for our satisfaction not for the satisfactions of others.It is better to be a mediocre in a class because you are escaping the pressure of always doing well. A topper always faces pressure of maintaining the position. But being a mediocre you can flourish well . And always remember it is never too late. Remember failures are pillars of success. I do not know why people look so low upon the failed candidates. In fact I think failing is not so bad as it appear to be. You are getting more time for reading the same thing so that you could build up a good concept. if you pass then you would not get more time and perhaps you will never get time in your life to read the same topic. So failure is a big opportunity. It is a beginning not the end .So start with new hopes. Best of luck for your future. I believe you will do well.

 

[Ziland]

Might sound crazy, but I'm now 40, and don't really care anymore what people think (or at least, no rational reason to).

Have you had an episode, where you could practically hear (and have time to repeat) what people around you were saying, before they said it? Not sure I'll come back to this thread, so I'll go on as if this sounds familiar. Ignore the rest if it doesn't...

I have two hypothesis for this, as it happened to me when I was 17. One, the part of the brain that broadcasts your thoughts in the form of brainwaves, if under electrical load, can act as an antenna (epilepsy or something similar). Two, people around you were so simple minded, and you were able to simulate their thought processes with eerie accuracy (can be tested by seeing if you still feel this way around deep/complexe people). In both cases though, the split brain problem makes it such that you cannot be aware of the thoughts, at least not under normal circumstances, but only as a 'feeling' of what is being received/simulated.

The problem, I believe, is that for whatever reason, you are able to accurately and verifiably tell what people around you think of you, and that once these external emotions are internalized it renders you impotent (when it comes to rational thoughts). This on its own, isn't a problem, at least not for most. But with an inability to self sooth, it could be exacerbated. Therapy might help, or it might not. Just like a person that is a few inches too short because of bad diet when growing up, this part of the brain can likely never grow back to its intended purpose. But a therapist might help find tricks to manage the problem.

Hope this can help you, it might have helped me when I was younger.

 

[Traruh Synred]

I apologize if this seems out of place on this wonderful forum.

I remember harboring a love for astronomy as a child, and I had this dream of becoming a university professor, I was a bright kid, I used to be a straight A student in grade school without even trying, and I got accepted into a gifted program,

I remember receiving compliments for my intellectual prowess all the time, then somewhere along the line, before high school, my grades slumped, I started failing regularly, I barely got accepted into AP maths and physics in high school and I ended up barely passing those as well,

For the past two years ever since I graduated I've been having bouts of anxiety and depression, I always feel like I could have been so much more had I kept myself in check and worked hard, I feel like a failure, like I'll never succeed, the thought of going to university scares the hell out of me, I beat myself down all the time, and the worst part is, after working blue collar jobs in which I find no satisfaction, particularly because there is no intellectual stimulation,

Throughout those years since I started failing, I've retained my love for the philosophy of physics, I find inspiration in the life stories of physicists and mathematicians, and I still wish to add my name to them, but that also depresses me, because I feel like dead wood, like I'm just a poser, because evidently my maths skills were appalling during high school, so why dare even think about it?

I feel like I'm wasted potential, like a has-been, like I'll never amount to anything let alone get a degree in physics/math, has anyone ever been through something similar? If so please share your opinion I could really use it.

Try something a little less mathy. Remember Darwin was not that good at math.

Try something a little less ambitious. In physics experimentalist always make a contribution while theorist get the glory, but many of them contribute more noise than signal. If you understand how to do an integral and take a derivative that's likely enough. You need statitics -- the math is easy, but the concepts subtle.

 

[rjbeery]

Zxzx25, I can empathize with you in a variety of ways. A very cheap option for mild depression is St John's Wort which I've been taking for 25 years. Booze can help too. hah

Regarding your chosen profession, it's a sad reality that very few jobs are truly "fulfilling". I have a degree in Comp Sci and draw my lifestyle from software engineering, but my PASTIME is studying Physics. Have you heard the saying about watching how the sausage is made? If you were burdened with teaching Physics every day of your life I assure you most of the mystery and wonder would be gone, and it would become your daily grind.

 

[Traruh Synred]

Be careful with St. John's Wart. It can interact with real medications.c

 

[Leonard Sitongia]

I feel similarly to what you are expressing. As someone commented above, imagine how you would feel 20 years from now. I'm like that, but living 40 years later. I've had an okay career supporting science research in labs. Maybe you can get into that. When I feel despair there's one thing that revitalizes me: seeing the amazing beauty of the world and the stars in the sky, reminding myself that what I love is learning, learning everything I can about the Universe. That's fulfilling a pledge I made to myself many years ago, that I want to understand the Universe. They say, find what you love and do that. If you haven't found what you love, then you need to keep learning and experiencing new things. Don't worry about what you think others will think about you. Think about what you really enjoy doing.

 

[rjbeery]

Be careful with St. John's Wart. It can interact with real medications.c

This is true but I was under the assumption that he was not taking any meds. It's also proof that it is effective, btw.

 

[Ethan Santillan]

Sometimes we feel like being noob in our past, yeah cause sometimes I feel that too, but still it doesn't that you will stop your dreams, dreaming to be one of them, i dreamed to be one of them too. Forget the past, but remember the goods things in the past of what you are right now, hope the future nevermind those who backstabbed you, and keep moving on and keep better day by day, because you're getting better now than yesterday.

There's a Chinese saying that says: Yesterday is a History Tomorrow is a Mystery but Today is a gift that 's why it is called Present.

Live your life into it's full potential.

 

[Simon Peach]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm now 68 and feel as if I wasted my intellectual potential, I'm now starting to use my mind, learning Maths Physics and starting astrophotography. So don't waste your mind even if it means getting a low paid job for awhile to carry on with your learning. I really regret wasting my time, yes the family and the comfort of a well paid job are good, but really really think what you want.

 

[slick_willy]

When you talk about being less than stellar at math, Oliver Heaviside is an example who comes to mind. You may not have heard of him, but he was a physicist and an electrical engineer who made huge contributions to signal theory and our understanding of electrical waves as they propogate over transmission lines. They even named a mathematical funtion after him.

If I remember correctly, he got a job working at a telegrapher's office in the 19th century and decided his math wasn't good enough to do the kind of cutting-edge work he wanted to be doing, so he took some time and improved his calculus and differential equations and went on to make huge contributions to electrical engineering theory. So even some of the really heavy-hitters had to go back and improve on their weak spots but there was no shame in it and obviously great results

 

[Chronos]

Sounds like a bad case of laziness. I too was a victim of more ambition than effort. It's a killer. Your fellow students are rarely far behind and can close the performance gap in a blink, if your effort falters. Now that you have realized the price of complacency, it puts you in a better position to motivate. It might be too late for AP, which is a test in academic survivalism, but, not too late to channel your talents into something you will find rewarding, providing you are willing to fire your lazy side for lack of productivity.

 

[Mark Harder]

I still feel that way sometimes, and I'm retired from a long career as a biochemist with diversions into other areas. I'll remind you of a couple of things you said..."I feel like a failure, like I'll never succeed" Of course you'll be a failure if failure is something essential to being you, if it's an essential part of you in other words. You are in the middle of a stage in life in which you are being exposed to a wider range of life options than ever before, and such times naturally incite us to re-examine our past decisions and their consequences in the hope that re-examination will be some use in making the sorts of commitments we will be making soon. Since your future depends on it, perhaps it would be a good idea if you examined why you made the statements I just quoted. You see now that you have failed in something and you no longer wish to continue failing in that fashion. Fine so far. But then you go on to conclude that your past failures mean you, yourself, are a failure. Damaged goods, forever effing up. I submit that this conclusion does not follow from your self-observation. You have failed, you are trying to learn from that. But that is a useful, possibly constructive process so far. The conclusions you draw, however, are specious. Why are you doing that to yourself? In a way, deciding that you'll never succeed is one way out of your dilemma. Knowing that you'll never succeed in astronomy, the logical path of action is not to invest any more time and energy in an enterprise that will only fail. Now, perhaps that is true. Your previous career decision was a mistake and continuing in that direction will not be the best use of your talents. But the fact that you dropped that ball in the past is not in itself a sufficient reason to conclude that re-committing yourself to a career in astronomy would be a mistake. Knowing what you know now about your present inclinations and the evidence for your abilities, what do you want to do? Maybe you've simply outgrown your interest in astronomy or science in general. You say you're interested in the philosophical aspects/consequences of scientific endeavors. Turn that over in your mind. You're in college, which is when you have an opportunity, perhaps the last in your life, to shop around the intellectual marketplace. Have you found any interesting questions to ask and the means to answer them?

If you find that you aren't interested in anything the academic experience offers, ask yourself if you have lost interest in other things that once interested you. If the answers are yes and yes, you may be suffering from depression, which is why other commenters here mention medical/professional attention. I'd beware of taking prescribed medications only. Usually, talking with a counselor and taking prescription medications simultaneously is the best course for treating depression.

 

[Smithers]

I've wrestled with feelings of failure, worthlessness, and wasted potential in my life. In fact, I'm still wrestling with them. These are not easy things to deal with. The most important step for me so far has been learning to separate guilt (which can be useful) from shame (which isn't.) Both have to do with remorse and regret, but the distinction between them (at least as I use the words) is that guilt is associated with a particular action, while shame is something that attaches to you as a person.

For example, suppose you fail to meet a deadline on a major project (a paper submission or something like that) and your advisor/boss/etc chews you out for it. Guilt is the feeling telling you that you screwed this up, and that you could have done better. Shame, on the other hand, is the feeling that's telling you that you're a worthless person who's never going to do anything right, and this latest incident is just more proof of that.

You can process guilt, benefit from it (by figuring out what to do differently next time), and get it out of your head. Shame, on the other hand, tends to stick around for a long time. If you've already got shame sitting inside you from before this particular incident, then the latest shame will just add to the big pile of festering shame in your head.

What helped me tremendously was figuring out where my original shame came from and dealing with that. I'm still working on that, and probably will be working on it for the rest of my life, but it's helped me keep the "shame pile" from growing. That's where a good therapist can be very helpful.

(This is essentially the same thing Mark Harder said just above, but expressed differently.)

 

[Delta2]

1) Its never too late, there is always room for a new start
2) never give up, if at first you don't succeed try try again
3) Don't let anything/anyone mess your psychology and self confidence. Neither yourself or others. We are human beings we do mistakes in our lives, long term mistakes or short term mistakes, we just can't do optimal perfect actions or choices every time, in any area whether it is dealing with a problem with math/physics or dealing with a person that makes our life harder or whatever else problem. We should learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them.

 

[votingmachine]

It is a funny thing that telling people they are smart is a bad thing. When children are complemented on a test with the compliment that they really worked hard, they seek to test that with harder challenges, and don't fear failure. When children are complimented on a test with the compliment that they are so smart, they begin to avoid challenges, and do fear failure. One of the things that is striking in your post is that you seem to have internalized that. You believe the compliment you are smart. And you want to use that. But you have avoided the possibility of failure, and are consequently feeling like a failure.

I don't have an answer on how. But you have to desensitize yourself to the fear of failure. You have to internally praise yourself for HARD WORK, not success. Go do something hard. Don't listen to others. Take 50 days to solve in impossible jigsaw puzzle and don't talk about it. It will be hard and it will take impossible amounts of work. Do some things that take work. More things can be accomplished with work than with natural "smart" talent.

People fail all the time. You may live your life and never succeed at a single thing. There is no guarantee. But what is holding you back is the idea that you should be able to succeed because you know internally how smart you are, and it should be easy, and if it isn't, that tears up your internal esteem. Screw that. Ask the stupid question. Look stupid. Laugh about it. Learn to work hard at things that you like, and fail like everyone else. Seek challenges, work hard, and learn to not fear failure.

Besides, you probably will never do anything that distinguishes you from the other 7 billion humans on the planet ... no one is THAT good. But at least you can know that you worked hard and did a few things that mattered to you. (This last is not to kick you when you are down, but to hopefully help change perspective).

 

[Zxzx25]

Wow the responses I had on here are incredible, I never imagined people would be so kind, just to clarify I was in an incredibly bad mood when I posted this, it's my only post and I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with someone, looking back, I kind of sound like a narcissist, maybe it's more of a between-the-lines kind of thing, but I think it can be inferred that I expect to be rewarded simply for having a passion/higher than average intelligence, I would go back and punch my teenage self in the nutsack if I could, not for failing mind you, I think I already made peace with that, but for thinking the world owes me, I have to admit sometimes I felt like I was God's gift to the world, maybe I was raised to believe that, one of the people that responded I believe noticed this and layed the cold hard truth on me, which is that science isn't about sitting with a tobacco pipe and blowing smoke rings while stroking your beard, it involves a lot of not so fun things such as sitting on your ass for hours practicing Integrals/memorizing facts/cursing at your papers, I replied by thanking him/her, also some people mentioned that I attribute failure to who I am as a person, I think that's also true, a friend once told that I would be too harsh on myself whenever I'd fail, it's something that I've been aware of and working on, regarding whether or not I really do think science is my passion, I certainly didn't think so in my teenage years, I thought about lots of different things, I still do, I'm a person with lots of interests, but I tend to catch myself thinking about the nature of the universe a bit too often, which is a sign for me I suppose, I'll have a lot to think about during the next few weeks/months, thank you all for your responses, the community in this forum is one of the best :), I wish you all a good life and I hope you are all enjoying yourselves, keep contributing to the scientific community.