What to talk about with co-workers?

[shivajikobardan]

I'm not really an introvert but because of my lack of ability to produce conversation, I am introverted. I like to talk but I have nothing to converse. I don't have huge set of experiences. My life is pretty boring. So, what should I talk with my co-workers. All co-workers are of my age. In Nepal nobody stays in country for more than 3-4 years after graduation, so that's why lots of folks will be of same age as me.
How should I start a conversation? Are there courses that I can take to be a better conversationalist?

 

[malawi_glenn]

Why do you think your life is not interesting? Can you make some non-science hobbies?

 

[Dale]

I like to talk but I have nothing to converse. I don't have huge set of experiences. My life is pretty boring.

Most people are pretty happy to talk about themselves. So ask about them instead. Learn about their experiences etc.

 

[symbolipoint]

I'm not really an introvert but because of my lack of ability to produce conversation, I am introverted. I like to talk but I have nothing to converse. I don't have huge set of experiences. My life is pretty boring. So, what should I talk with my co-workers. All co-workers are of my age. In Nepal nobody stays in country for more than 3-4 years after graduation, so that's why lots of folks will be of same age as me.
How should I start a conversation? Are there courses that I can take to be a better conversationalist?

I hope not. If you are as you say, then do not try to start conversations UNLESS you have some curiosity and impulse to do so. Let OTHER co-workers initiate conversations, comments, remarks, questions. You can respond if not directed TO you but have something useful to say as an answer or comment. More important is to relax and concentrate on your job.

 

[CrysPhys]

Are there courses that I can take to be a better conversationalist?

I volunteer as an ESL (English as a Second Language) tutor. Two of my students have fairly good command of English. Their major needs are better understanding of American idioms and engaging in casual (rather than professional) conversations. My lessons for them are tailored to their needs. There are also group classes targeted for these specific needs. Do a web search for services in your area. In my area, some are free, and some charge a fee.

 

[symbolipoint]

I volunteer as an ESL (English as a Second Language) tutor. Two of my students have fairly good command of English. Their major needs are better understanding of American idioms and engaging in casual (rather than professional) conversations. My lessons for them are tailored to their needs. There are also group classes targeted for these specific needs. Do a web search for services in your area. In my area, some are free, and some charge a fee.

That is very good, in contrast to what I said in my response.

 

[DaveC426913]

All that aside, if the OP wants to initiate small talk, I find it natural to break the ice to ask them if they had any trouble getting in to work this morning.

That naturally leads to oh yes? where do you come in from / how far / how long? And when they tell you, it's oh that's an interesting neighborhood I (know a little/don't know much) about it. Ask them about the drive/ride/walk and do you come in with other people and oh, you have kids? etc.

But don't just machine gun them with questions like it's an interrogation. Pepper your talk with rhetorical comments and the occasional experience of your own.

 

[Hornbein]

Find out what information sources the other person uses. Fox News, New York Times, etc. Read these sources and repeat what you have read. The other person will love it.

 

[DaveC426913]

Find out what information sources the other person uses. Fox News, New York Times, etc. Read these sources and repeat what you have read. The other person will love it.

(You're kidding though, right?)

 

[Lnewqban]

Please, see:
https://www.rd.com/list/conversation-starters/

https://www.rd.com/list/questions-polite-people-never-ask/

 

[Hornbein]

(You're kidding though, right?)

Not at all. That's why people pay for Fox News, the New York Times, etc. They are key aids for social advancement.

 

[CrysPhys]

Not at all. That's why people pay for Fox News, the New York Times, etc. They are key aids for social advancement.

Also perfect reading material as a lead in to rousing discussions of race, religion, sex, and politics.

 

[DaveC426913]

Not at all. That's why people pay for Fox News, the New York Times, etc. They are key aids for social advancement.

(Well yeah, but your advice is basically to be dishonest about yourself.)

 

[Hornbein]

(Well yeah, but your advice is basically to be dishonest about yourself.)

You want to get ahead or not?

 

[hutchphd]

Ask the Tennessee legislature.

 

[symbolipoint]

(Well yeah, but your advice is basically to be dishonest about yourself.)

I would guess that is not what @Hornbein meant.

 

[DaveC426913]

I would guess that is not what @Hornbein meant.

I dunno, his response implies it was.

 

[symbolipoint]

Find out what information sources the other person uses. Fox News, New York Times, etc. Read these sources and repeat what you have read. The other person will love it.

How exactly do you mean this? Recall the main topic, of wanting to find something to talk about with co-workers. Right now, my thoughts are that doing about as you say in the quote, this could either create a distractive conversation for doing one's current job, or could initiate a political sociological argument.

 

[Hornbein]

How exactly do you mean this? Recall the main topic, of wanting to find something to talk about with co-workers. Right now, my thoughts are that doing about as you say in the quote, this could either create a distractive conversation for doing one's current job, or could initiate a political sociological argument.

You find out the other guy's views then agree with them, whatever they are. He'll think it's great.

 

[symbolipoint]

You find out the other guy's views then agree with them, whatever they are. He'll think it's great.

Agreeing with the other guy's views if you really disagree with them would be dishonest.

 

[CrysPhys]

We are making a segue from a "How do I have a conversation?" language thread to a "How do I succeed in business?" playbook. Over the course of my career, I have come across co-workers who use tactics similar to those described by Hornbein. And often they are successful, because some people are easily conned. I've also had to deal with the fallout of such tactics: contention between those who are easily conned and those who aren't.

 

[CrysPhys]

I volunteer as an ESL (English as a Second Language) tutor. Two of my students have fairly good command of English. Their major needs are better understanding of American idioms and engaging in casual (rather than professional) conversations. My lessons for them are tailored to their needs. There are also group classes targeted for these specific needs. Do a web search for services in your area. In my area, some are free, and some charge a fee.

OP: Back on topic. A follow-up to my previous post. In my training classes, and in classes I've sat in on, the instructor would lead off with an extended discussion of differences between conversation styles and conversation topics depending on the culture, gender, age, and other characteristics of the people. This is an important area to understand. Check if your local programs go over this.

 

[pinball1970]

I'm not really an introvert but because of my lack of ability to produce conversation, I am introverted. I like to talk but I have nothing to converse. I don't have huge set of experiences. My life is pretty boring. So, what should I talk with my co-workers. All co-workers are of my age. In Nepal nobody stays in country for more than 3-4 years after graduation, so that's why lots of folks will be of same age as me.
How should I start a conversation? Are there courses that I can take to be a better conversationalist?

People are rarely boring but it is very common to be a little shy and there is nothing wrong with that.
What course did you do? What job are you doing now?

 

[shivajikobardan]

i did computer engineering, i am a customer support engineer now.

 

[pinball1970]

i did computer engineering, i am a customer support engineer now.

Ok. All the guys in your department doing similar stuff?
You have breaks? A smoking area? Coffee break?

"Hi I'm Shivaji, Nice to meet you, I don't really know anyone here."

Just take a shot! They may have gone to the same school as you. Or live not so far from you.

 

[austinuni]

How should I start a conversation? Are there courses that I can take to be a better conversationalist?

I would be less concerned with being a good conversationalist, and instead realize that being an introvert or a quiet person is not a problem of yours that you must overcome. It's only a problem for other people. If other people don't like your introversion, then that's their problem, not yours. It's most important to accept yourself, to be comfortable in your own skin, so you can be happy. If you are always struggling to meet the expectations of other people, then happiness won't come to you.

Now that being said, people in the USA are very often interested in other cultures, particularly from a country like Nepal. I work with a guy who was born in South Vietnam and he escaped after the war to come to the USA. I could forever listen to his stories about his time in Vietnam and his escape. He has told me he's not particularly interested in socializing, and he's not a great conversationalist.

 

[trainman2001]

I have found after facilitating dozens of interactive work groups that there were two kinds of folks in the brainstorming sessions: extroverts and introverts. The extroverts offered many ideas and filled up the charts, but it was the more cerebral introverts that were able to synthesize all that stuff into cogent and intelligent solutions. It was a "quantity versus quality" question. I needed both types. All extroverts: lots of pretty useless stuff. All introverts: we'd be sitting there staring at each other. With both types, the group was energized and more productive. Quiet did not equal stupid! The quiet ones were reading and thinking while the talkative ones were spouting their ideas. When the quiet ones spoke the ideas were good. We humans need both types.

 

[MidgetDwarf]

I typically just keep to myself, and do the best job possible. I have people outside of work to talk to, and I still have my first friend (kid across the street I played with since I was 3).

Has it pros and cons.

The people in charge see that you are actually working, leave you alone for the most part, and if issues arise with other coworkers, you are not blamed. But you must also learn to collaborate when needed.

On the other hand, you may get "cool" crowd gossiping, rude eye rolls, or other forms of juvenile behavior. You get talked about both openly, or secretive.

What I noticed, is that people (not 100% of the case) use social skills to build a barrier regarding lack of job knowledge or under performance, and play this role for job security/advancement.

It all comes down with what ever type of person you are, and what you are comfortable with. Do not force anything. Just be yourself, no one of "good" genuine character likes a fake person.

 

[CrysPhys]

I would be less concerned with being a good conversationalist, and instead realize that being an introvert or a quiet person is not a problem of yours that you must overcome. It's only a problem for other people. If other people don't like your introversion, then that's their problem, not yours. It's most important to accept yourself, to be comfortable in your own skin, so you can be happy. If you are always struggling to meet the expectations of other people, then happiness won't come to you.

That's an extreme position that's fine for a hermit. But most people need to interact with others.

The people in charge see that you are actually working, leave you alone for the most part, and if issues arise with other coworkers, you are not blamed. But you must also learn to collaborate when needed.

On the other hand, you may get "cool" crowd gossiping, rude eye rolls, or other forms of juvenile behavior. You get talked about both openly, or secretive.

What I noticed, is that people (not 100% of the case) use social skills to build a barrier regarding lack of job knowledge or under performance, and play this role for job security/advancement.

It all comes down with what ever type of person you are, and what you are comfortable with. Do not force anything. Just be yourself, no one of "good" genuine character likes a fake person.

As I discussed above (Post #21), there are co-workers who use social manipulation to con others. That's another extreme position. Let's consider a more moderate position. How much social interaction is needed for success at work depends strongly on the particular position and on the particular company. If you can work solo, and if you are rewarded strictly according to some objective metrics, fine, you don't need to be sociable. But how many jobs are like that? Even if you work as a solo independent contractor, your professional success still depends on how you interact with your clients.

Realistically, most people will need to interact with others, and most people will need to receive help from others. And most people naturally will more readily provide help to other people that they know and like than to other people that they don't know or don't like.

Consider this hypothetical situation. Staff is overworked, and schedules are tight. Let's assume everyone is competent; and no one is a shirker and a manipulator. Bob likes to keep by himself and eats lunch at his desk everyday. But, to maintain our sanity, Alice and I and several others have lunch together in the cafeteria everyday (at least we try to, as schedules permit). We talk about a range of topics besides work: family, sports, hobbies, music, cars, home repairs ....

Let's assume that I do not work directly on any projects with Bob or Alice; I have no direct obligation as part of my job responsibilities to help either one.

Scenario 1. Bob shows up at my office.

Bob: "Hi, I'm Bob. I've started working on X, which is new to me. Ted told me that you have a lot of experience in X. I wonder if you could give me some help."

CrysPhys: "Gee, Bob, I'm really tied up for the next two weeks. Could we talk then?"

Bob: "I'm on a tight schedule, and need help right away."

CrysPhys: "Sorry, just can't. Try Carol. But if she's not available, let me know, and we can talk in two weeks."

Bob walks away, muttering, "<Expletives deleted.>"Scenario 2. Alice shows up at my office.

CrysPhys: "Hey, Alice, this is a pleasant surprise. What's up?"

Alice: "I've just been assigned to work on X, which is new to me. But I know you have a lot of experience in X. We're on a tight schedule. I know you're really busy, but I was wondering if you could could help me?"

CrysPhys: "Sure, Alice. Why don't we skip the usual lunch gang. And we can discuss X over lunch. That probably won't be enough time, but I can stay late, if you can."

Alice: "Yes, that sounds good. I can stay until 6:30 today. Thanks. Really appreciate it."

Now consider this hypothetical situation. Business is not doing well. There will be a 20% layoff. In the usual lunch gang that Alice and I are part of are two of the managers who will decide who gets axed. Let's assume Bob and Alice have nominally equal performance records. Who is more likely to get the axe, Bob or Alice? Typically, objective metrics alone do not determine your success at work; subjective evaluations often also come into play. I emphasize this to new grads entering the workplace. In school, you get an A+ because you get high scores in exams, regardless of whether the professor likes you or not. At work, it's not so simple.

Again, the point is not to fake it to con people. And the point is not to be untrue to yourself, to remake yourself to meet the perceived expectations of others. The point is to interact with people in a genuine, honest, sincere manner. Depending on the position and company, social skills as well as technical skills are important to professional success. If you are in a position and company that require social skills, and if you lack them and don't take steps to rectify them, that lack becomes your problem. If you take the attitude that it's their problem, they will solve their problem by not helping you when you need their help (if they include co-workers), or by giving you the boot (if they include managers with hiring/firing authority).

 

[austinuni]

Again, the point is not to fake it to con people. And the point is not to be untrue to yourself, to remake yourself to meet the perceived expectations of others. The point is to interact with people in a genuine, honest, sincere manner. Depending on the position and company, social skills as well as technical skills are important to professional success. If you are in a position and company that require social skills, and if you lack them and don't take steps to rectify them, that lack becomes your problem. If you take the attitude that it's their problem, they will solve their problem by not helping you when you need their help (if they include co-workers), or by giving you the boot (if they include managers with hiring/firing authority).

You are more likely to receive help from co-workers if they sense that you would be able to help them in return.

If you are always asking for help from your co-workers, and never help them in return, then eventually they will stop helping you, even if you are friends and socialize all the time.

Professional success depends far more on the give-and-take dynamic than friendship and socializing with co-workers.

 

[CrysPhys]

You are more likely to receive help from co-workers if they sense that you would be able to help them in return.

If you are always asking for help from your co-workers, and never help them in return, then eventually they will stop helping you, even if you are friends and socialize all the time.

Professional success depends far more on the give-and-take dynamic than friendship and socializing with co-workers.

(I) Well, in your scenario:

(1) A is capable of providing help to B;
(2) B is capable of providing help to A (at least to about the same degree);
(3) A and B have established a pattern in which:
(a) B repeatedly requests help from A; and, in response, A repeatedly provides help to B;
AND
(b) A repeatedly requests help from B; and, in response, B never provides help to A.

So, of course, A gets fed up with B, and stops providing any further help to B. This is an understandable and natural outcome, regardless of any social relationship between A and B.

(II) But consider this scenario:

(1) A is capable of providing help to B;
(2) B is capable of providing help to A (at least to about the same degree);
(3) A and B have not yet established a pattern.

E.g., A and B are both seasoned engineers. B's department has recently folded; and B has transferred to A's department. A and B have never worked on a project together before. B requests help from A for the first time. Now, is A more likely to provide help to B if (i) A knows B socially, and A likes B; (ii) A does not know B socially; or (iii) A knows B socially, and A does not like B?

(III) Also consider this scenario:

(1) A is capable of providing help to B;
(2) B is not capable of providing help to A (at least to about the same degree).

E.g., A is a senior researcher; B is a secretary in another department which is slated to close. A has no expectation of a quid pro quo from B. Is A more likely to provide help to B upon a request from B for help (or, better still, is A more likely to volunteer help to B without an explicit request from B for help) if (i) A knows B socially, and A likes B; (ii) A does not know B socially; or (iii) A knows B socially, and A does not like B?