When do you pull the plug on a friend?

[lenell]

When do you pull the plug on a "friend?"

So,

how many times to you let a friend harpoon you, disregard your requests to not call after midnight, call you names and belittle you, have your POA and not call for a week and a half, never phones you when I drove her to Cleveland, Pittsburgh and many craft shows in the area?

These are a compilation of my 5 friends.

I went to a little cafe hoping to change my life and find someone to talk to. I spoke to a lady but she was into astrology and had husbands that were nightmares.
.
I definitely need a new group of people with whom to associate.

I find people to be "pointy," i.e. with a lot of vulnerable areas, and I usually say something wrong.

I have this fear that people won't like me after they know me, and this invariably comes true. (Self-fulfilling thought vibes??) I am a bookworm, loner and not good socially although I can fake it if I try.

I am ready to throw in the towel and wait for talking robots.

 

[Evo]

As to your questions about dropping friends. I have done that as soon as they show that they are not the kind of person I wish to associate with. I have never regretted dumping these people and so glad I did.

Trust me, it is better to be alone than to be with losers.

I moved here in 1993, the women I met and made friends with, or should I say the women that attached themselves to me.

One woman "P" is outstanding and non-psycho.

Woman "A" a bit psycho, at least held a job, but when she tried to link herself to me professionally, I had to cut her off.

Woman "C" completely psycho, she once told me that she could love any man if he had enough money. That's when I told her our friendship was over. Last I heard she had married some old, ugly guy and was miserable.

Woman "T": I never got close to this woman, she supposedly was my "biggest competition" for men here, until she married and then got sent to prison for life for bashing her new husband's head in with a 2x4 while he slept, killing him. The guy I was dating had taken out a restraining order against her. She was also my friend "P's" fiance's psycho ex.

DROP THEM!

 

[lenell]

Thank you, Evo,

Your judgment and advice is always on target. I will ease myself away from them, get out of my comfort zone, and search for more suitable friends.

No sense wasting time and getting upset when I can do something about it.

Thanks again.

 

[Choppy]

A friendship is a reciprocative relationship and it's one that both parties have to chose to be in. People not calling is one thing. It could just be that they have other priorities and though your friendship is important to them, it may not have recently been high enough to warrant a call or get-together.

Disrespect of boundaries, belittling or general disrespect are a different ballgame. As soon as someone stops respecting you, or makes you uncomfortable, you're no longer in a constructive friendship. You don't have to "pull the plug" immediately. You can try to explain your feelings or work things out - particularly if other aspects of the friendship are important to you. But when these kinds of things turn into a pattern of behaviour that doesn't stop after you've addressed them... then maybe it's time to move on.

One of the easiest ways to meet new people is to try new things. Take a new class. Join a club or start a new activity. Volunteer. Friendships aren't the kind of thing you can force.

 

[lenell]

Dear Choppy,

Your thoughts have validity too. I am just so tired trying and failing. Maybe I need some alone time to sort out my feelings and recoup my courage.

Thank you.

 

[Mépris]

A friendship is a reciprocative relationship and it's one that both parties have to chose to be in.

Definitely. Look at it as a transaction. If you have something of value to offer, and they have something of value to offer, and you connect well with each other then the friendship is beneficial. Value...well, the individual assigns value to what he want.

People not calling is one thing. It could just be that they have other priorities and though your friendship is important to them, it may not have recently been high enough to warrant a call or get-together.

Or they just don't care much about you. They see you as being of "low value". There is value, but it is not enough value to warrant you being a regular feature. So, you're the guy who drives her around to crafts shows, and you're the guy she invites to her house party to show her friends and other guys how many guys are giving her attention. You're the guy who gets used as an emotional tampon, the one who validates her. But you're not the guy that she genuinely values.

Just thought I'd write about something that's closer to the other side of that friendship spectrum.

Disrespect of boundaries, belittling or general disrespect are a different ballgame. As soon as someone stops respecting you, or makes you uncomfortable, you're no longer in a constructive friendship. You don't have to "pull the plug" immediately. You can try to explain your feelings or work things out - particularly if other aspects of the friendship are important to you. But when these kinds of things turn into a pattern of behaviour that doesn't stop after you've addressed them... then maybe it's time to move on.

Spot on. But OP should consider that respect is earned. And as cliché as this sounds, if one does not value oneself, one will tend to be treated as such. Acting like a doormat or coming across as needy as big turn offs for most people.

And a very good way to stop acting like that, is to actually be of high value. I was just reading something on the subject today, and that author simply said that developing a skill is a good enough thing to do. So, perhaps become a master of PDEs or excellent at improvising blues guitar solos. With deliberate practice, and then success (eventually), you will feel a lot better about yourself, and you will tend to display and feel more confidence.

Doing some kind of physical exercise helps as well. There is research that shows that increased testosterone production (Google it, if you're interested - I did not bother reading the papers) and intense physical exercise (sprints, compound exercises, etc) - so more testosterone production here too - make one feel happier. Waking up early and showering regularly too, for some. At least, this works for me.

One of the easiest ways to meet new people is to try new things. Take a new class. Join a club or start a new activity. Volunteer. Friendships aren't the kind of thing you can force.

Yes! Do whatever you're interested in. Think those UFC guys are awesome? Join an MMA gym. Parkour? Archery? Cooking? Math club? Learn a new language?

I also heard meetup.com was useful.

Or take it a step further and talk to random people whenever you feel like it. Tell your mind to shut up, and just talk to people when you see them. And reflect on your interactions and see how you can improve. If you see a pretty girl on the street. Stop and say hi, and take it from there. Tell her you find her pretty, and her dress is lovely. If you see a guy wearing a t-shirt of a band you like, stop him and tell him you love that band and what his favourite album is.

You get the idea. It's way simpler, in execution, than all the math and physics you know.

 

[jim hardy]

I have this fear that people won't like me after they know me, ...
...I definitely need a new group of people with whom to associate. ...

I've said this before, but it might bear repeating...

I suggest to people who are shy they should take an evening course in public speaking.
That way you surround yourself with people trying to make themselves better , not looking to be rescued..

Prediction: You'll find out most of us have that fear, and the barriers we erect to hide it are what sabotage our relationships.

 

[Enigman]

Books, Dogs and Chatterbots have always been enough for me...
Read "the fountainhead"- its a good book, adopt a stray dog and download the classic chatterbots like Eliza, shampage and santa.
As far as the original question is concerned- I pull the plug as soon as the person starts distracting me...
Mr.E

 

[lenell]

Thanks for all the great ideas.

 

[Borg]

I also heard meetup.com was useful.

I have gone to a few involved with electronics and programming. Next month, I'll be attending a meetup dealing with real estate. I also considered joining a jogging meetup group. There are definitely a wide variety of meetups for just about any interest.

 

[Evo]

Lol, I remember when someone on PF said to check meetup and the only meetups here were witch's covens.

 

[krash661]

whoa scary ,evo.

 

[lisab]

Lol, I remember when someone on PF said to check meetup and the only meetups here were witch's covens.

I've joined several meetup gatherings for local hikes. Had a great time! I was surprised females outnumbers males by 2 or 3 to 1.

 

[Masquerade178]

Woman "T": she married and then got sent to prison for life for bashing her new husband's head in with a 2x4 while he slept, killing him. The guy I was dating had taken out a restraining order against her. She was also my friend "P's" fiance's psycho ex.

Reading that ...I dnt think one can have second thoughts about dumping annoying friends!

Yes! Do whatever you're interested in. Think those UFC guys are awesome? Join an MMA gym. Parkour? Archery? Cooking? Math club? Learn a new language?

That's right...If you keep yourself busy with something that interests you (hobby or something), you may find people having similar tastes. Infact, you may then not even bother making friends..
I mean, that's what I've realized...you keep doing what you think you should do...and you attract like-minded friends on the way automatically..

You'll find out most of us have that fear, and the barriers we erect to hide it are what sabotage our relationships.

Agree with that. During my early school years, I was very shy. Making new friends, public speaking, (even going out to the grocery store was like a very difficult thing ).
But then I slowly realized that almost all people have the same social fear and that it doesn't really matter if I mess up a little (no one is perfect!)..
As in you think that once people know you, they won't like you. but if think practically, there are like 7billion people in the world. How does it matter if you are not liked by a few...

 

[Chronos]

I just stop talking to people who annoy me. It's up to them to figure it out.