Why Do These Math Jokes Make You Groan?

[pakmingki]

i got some math jokes on my cmoputer. Some are alright, most are terrible. Ill keep adding some periodically. Feel free to post your own.

Whats purple and commutes?
An abelian grape.
(i have no idea what that one means)


Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!



Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!



Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!



Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking the leftovers home?
A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!




Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"




Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...



Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean?
A: Möbius Dick...
( i have no idea what this means)




Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.




There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't...




Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...




It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?"
The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's!"




Q: What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job?
A: `Paper or plastic?'




Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?
A: Prime Rib!




Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
(dont get this one)

 

[Gib Z]

Abelian Groups are such that they commute.

Look such Möbius strip in google, its a famous figure in topology/differentail geometry. You'll get the joke.

I don't get the christman halloween one either.

 

[cristo]

Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
(dont get this one)

oct(31) denotes the number 31 in the octal number system. In decimal this is equal to 3x8+1x8⁰=25, or dec(25)

 

[radou]

"A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut."

 

[cristo]

"A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut."

That's actually quite good (for a maths joke!)

 

[radou]

That's actually quite good (for a maths joke!)

Actually, I wanted to post another one, but I already posted the link once, and my post was removed because it was considered inappropriate, although I don't think it's that nasty, but nevermind.

Still, I decide to be a rebel, so I'll give implicit instructions []: type 'polly nomial' into google, it's the first thing that appears.

 

[cristo]

Still, I decide to be a rebel, so I'll give implicit instructions []: type 'polly nomial' into google, it's the first thing that appears.

 

[ziad1985]

...type 'polly nomial' into google...

OMG, hilarious...

 

[neutrino]

Still, I decide to be a rebel, so I'll give implicit instructions []: type 'polly nomial' into google, it's the first thing that appears.

That was too good!

"Lets off to a decimal place I know, and I'll take you to the limit".

I wonder if that was added to the 'Pick-up Lines' thread?

 

[theperthvan]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

 

[jing]

True anecdotes from my teaching career

The question asked the students to find angle A
Student: I have found it sir, it is in the bottom left hand corner of this triangle.


Student: But sir it is not true you need two, I have found a congruent triangle

Student, after analysing some data: Please sir should I use a pencil to draw a conclusion.

 

[DaveC426913]

I think we're headed for GD...

 

[DaveC426913]

Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
(dont get this one)

Hee that's funny.

Kind of like:

Q: What do you get when you multiply 6 by 9?
A: 42.
(If you don't recognize this, you're way too young or you're an alien)

It does work - in base 13!
(What do you think Mr. Adams was trying to tell us?)

 

[murshid_islam]

here is a good one (i got it here: http://komplexify.com/math/jokes/TheEToTheXJoke.html):

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, "Damn, it's great to be e^x. I'm real analytic everywhere. I'm my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck."

Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.

"What's wrong with you? Why don't you look where you're going?" demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3's eyes and says "You look terrified!"

"I am!" says the panicky 3. "There's a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I'll be reduced to nothing! I've got to get away!" With that, 3 continues to dash off.

"Stupid constant," thinks e^x. "I've got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I'll still be there."

So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. "Hi. I'm e^x."

"Hi. I'm d / dy."

 

[radou]

here is a good one (i got it here: http://komplexify.com/math/jokes/TheEToTheXJoke.html):

One of the million versions of this joke.

 

[turbo]

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a café and notice people going into and coming out of the house across the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement was not accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced."
The mathematician: "If one person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

 

[AlephZero]

A farmer is worried because his cows are not giving much milk. So he asks his friends if they have any ideas how to fix the problem.

His biologist friend wants to run a lot of tests for diseases or poor nutrition - but the farmer thinks that would be too expensive and take too long.

His sociologist friend thinks the problem is the cows are bored. He suggests getting a landscape consultant to redesign the fields, getting a gardening expert to recommend some pretty flowers, playing music in the cowsheds, etc, etc. The farmer doesn't like any of that either.

So finally he goes to ask a mathematician.

The mathematician says, "What is your definition of a cow?". So he takes him into the cowshed to have a look.

The mathematician says, "OK, I need a flipchart and lots of paper". So he goes home, gets a chart and an easel, comes back, and sets it up in the cowshed.

He then draws a big circle with a dot in the middle. He stares at this for half an hour, then says:

"Theorem 1. Assume that a cow is a uniform sphere with mass m and radius r..."

 

[Gib Z]

Rofl Usually AlephZero's jokes has a physicist doing that, rather than a mathematician. But funny anyhow. Thanks for the link, http://komplexify.com/ is great :)

I found this one particularly funny:
http://komplexify.com/math/harmony/ChristmasCarol2.html

 

[murshid_islam]

here is another one:
Q: what's an anagram of "Banach-Tarski"
A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

 

[murshid_islam]

the following is a limerick:
$$\int_{1}^{\sqrt[3]{3}}t^2 dt \cdot \cos\frac{3\pi}{9} = \ln\sqrt[3]{e}$$

it says:
The integral of the square of 't',
From one to the cube root of three,
Multiplied by cosine,
Of three pi over nine,
Is the log of the cube root of 'e'.

 

[jing]

A physicist, a mathematician and a logician visited Scotland for the first time. Looking out of the train window they saw a sheep.

"Look" says the physicist "all sheep in Scotland are black".
"No" interrupts the mathematician "there is at least one black sheep in Scotland".
"No" says the logician "there is at least one sheep in Scotland that is black on at least one side"

 

[Gib Z]

Ahh I saw a different version of that, pretty much the same:

A physicist, a mathematician and a engineer visited Scotland for the first time. Looking out of the train window they saw a sheep.

"Look" says the engineer "all sheep in Scotland are black".
"No" interrupts the physicist "there is at least one black sheep in Scotland".
"No" says the Mathematician "there is at least one sheep in Scotland that is black on at least one side"

 

[Gib Z]

Two mathematicians walk into a bar

Two male mathematicians walk into in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats: "one thir -- dex cue?"

He repeats "one third x cubed."

"One thir dex cuebd?"

"Yes, that's right", he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd... one thir dex cuebd... one thir dex cuebd..."

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks "What is the integral of x squared?"

The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and adds with a wink "...plus a constant."

 

[Gib Z]

A sphere walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve spheres here."

The disgruntled sphere walks outside, but then gets an idea and performs Dahn surgery upon himself. He walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize him since he is now a different manifold, serves him a drink. However, the bartender thinks he looks familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that sphere that just came in here?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

______________________________________________________________

When a pure mathematician is asked, say, to calculate the stability of an ordinary four-legged table, he rapidly enough arrives at preliminary results which pertain to a one-legged table or a table with an infinite number of legs. He will spend the rest of his life unsuccessfully solving the ordinary problem of the table with an arbitrary, finite, number of legs.

______________________________________________________________

A husband is beginning to worry that the passion has gone out of his marriage. He starts going secretly to a marriage counselor in order to find ways to spice up his marriage and satisfy his wife. The counselor listens, and instructs him to get a bear-skin rug for his living room.

The husband goes right our and buys the biggest bear-skin rug that he can find. He takes it home and drapes it across the hardwood floor. As soon as his wife came home from work, she spied the rug and suddenly grabbed her husband's hand, took him upstairs, and treated him to the wildest night of passion they'd had since they were both teenagers.

The next day, the husband, truly greatful, returned to the counselor to say thanks. "By the way, how did you know that the bear-skin rug would do the trick?"

"Simple mathematics," replied the counselor. "It's 'Fur Mats Lust Theorem'."

________________________________________________________________

A physics professor has been conducting experiments and has worked out a set of equations which seem to explain his data. Nevertheless, he is unsure if his equations are really correct and therefore asks a colleague from the math department to check them.

A week later, the math professor calls him: "I'm sorry, but your equations are complete nonsense."

The physics professor is, of course, disappointed. Strangely, however, his incorrect equations turn out to be surprisingly accurate in predicting the results of further experiements. So, he asks the mathematician if he was sure about the equations being completely wrong.

"Well", the mathematician replies, "they are not actually complete nonsense. But the only case in which they are true is the trivial one where the field is Archimedean..."

_______________________________________________________________

A mathematician and a physicist were walking along during their lunch break when at a two-day convention when they realized they are going to be late for the afternoon session. "We're going to be late," says the physicist.

So the two begin to scramble back to their seats. However, no sooner do they start then they spy the engineering building on fire. Immediately, the physicist springs into action. He finds a nearby length of hose, jerry-rigs it to a nearby fire hydrant, and quickly puts the fire out. He then rushes into the building to make sure everyone is okay (they are). He then grabs the mathematician's arm and rushes back to their seats. Amazingly, they make it on time.

The next day, the pair are again out walking about on their lunch break when they realize they are going to be late for the afternoon session.

Immediately the mathematician springs into action. He sets the nearby engineering building on fire, thus reducing the problem to one previously solved.

______________________________________________________________

Several professionals were asked the following question: What is 2 x 2 ? Here were the responses.

* A trained mathematician:
"4."
* A poorly trained mathematician:
"I don't what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists."
* A physicist, after consulting technical references, and setting up the problem on his computer:
"It lies between 3.98 and 4.02."
* An engineer, after consulting his slide rule:
"3.99."
* A philosopher:
"But what do you mean by 2 x 2 ?"
* An accountant, after closing all the doors and windows, in a whisper:
"What do you want the answer to be?"
* A computer hacker, after 2 hours of breaking into the NSA super-computer:
"4."
_______________________________________________________________

A mathematician, physicist, and engineer are walking through a parking lot at night when they meet an old woman standing by a Volkswagen in tears. They ask her what's wrong, and she replies: "I was trying to get into my car to drive home, but I dropped my keys. My eyes are too old to see them in the dark... my legs are to old to bend down and search for them. What am I to do?"

The three professionals offer to help. Immediately, the engineer drops to all fours, crawling around the car in the dark, reaching and feeling for the keys. But he does not find them.

The physicist reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small magnet and cigarette lighter. He uses the lighter to dimly illuminate the area around the car; he uses the magnet to try and attract the keys to him. But he does not find the keys.

Finally, the mathematician surveys the problem. He then goes to the other end of the parking lot, where the light is better, and looks for the keys over there.

_________________________________________________________________

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

"For sure a mistress is better," says the lawyer. "If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

"No, no, it's better to have a wife," says the doctor, "because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

"No, no, you're both wrong," replies the mathmatician. "It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can slip away and do some mathematics."

________________________________________________________________

A math convention and an engineering convention were being held in the same city. Consequently, a bunch of mathematicians and a bunch of engineers were on the same train headed for the city. Each of the engineers had his/her train ticket. The group of mathematicians had only ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing and snickering.

Then, one of the mathematicians said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the math majors went into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the engineers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the mathematicians stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the mathematicians came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The engineers were dumbfounded.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of engineers had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the mathematicians, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the mathematicians' lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the mathematicians went to the bathroom. All the engineers went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the mathematicians left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

________________________________________________________________

Proof:

It is known in universities that knowledge is power, hence
$$Knowledge=Power$$
Similarly, it is known in business that time is money, whence
$$Time=Money$$
From physics, we have by definition that power is the ratio of work to time, so that
$$Power=\frac{Work}{Time}$$
Making the substitutions above, we have
$$Knowledge=\frac{Work}{Money}$$
Solving for money, we get:
$$Money=\frac{Work}{Knowledge}$$
Thus, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Q.E.D.
________________________________________________________________

Evolution of Math teaching:
1960s:
A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?

1970s:
A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount, i.e. $80. What is his profit?

1970s (new math):
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What is the cardinality of Set P of profits?

1980s:
A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost is $80 and her profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20.

1990s:
An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way to make money. Topic for discussion: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?

________________________________________________________________

Phew...I think that's enough from me lol.

 

[DaveC426913]

the following is a limerick:
$$\int_{1}^{\sqrt[3]{3}}t^2 dt \cdot \cos\frac{3\pi}{9} = \ln\sqrt[3]{e}$$

it says:
The integral of the square of 't',
From one to the cube root of three,
Multiplied by cosine,
Of three pi over nine,
Is the log of the cube root of 'e'.

What? No one is from Nantucket? It's not a limerick then.

 

[jing]

I once came across a number of spoof proofs the only one of which I remember is the:-

Proof by Deferrred Responsibility

At school: The proof of this is too complicated at your current stage. When you get to University you will be given a proof.

At University: You will know from the maths you did at school that it is true that...

 

[murshid_islam]

here is another limerick:
$$\frac{12 + 144 + 20 + 3\sqrt{4}}{7} + 5\times11 = 9^2 + 0$$

it says:
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plues three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plues five times eleven,
Is nine squared, and not a bit more.

 

[Gib Z]

O adding to the spoof proofs

Proof By Imtimidation:
"Trivial"

I particularly like that one :D

Proof by Confusing Notation:
Good when you have access to at least 4 languages and special symbols.

Proof by Example:
"Lets try when n=2, the other 253 cases are analogous.."

 

[mathwonk]

the one about the wife and mistress is funny, because true. that is really what mathematicians are like. but i suspect only a mathematician (or a wife of one) would know this.

 

[SGT]

At the time of the Iron Curtain, two mathematicians try to leave Polland by stealing an airplane.
They enter the aircraft and one of them tries to undestand the functions of the instruments. The other worries:
"Hurry up, we will be caught!"
"Calm down, I´m a simple Pole in a complex plane!"

 

[JonF]

$$\frac{\sinx}{n} = 6$$

 

[murshid_islam]

$$\frac{\sinx}{n} = 6$$

i didnt get this one.

edit: oh, i see. you wanted to write $$\frac{\sin x}{n} = 6$$

 

[jing]

There is three erors in this post.

 

[jing]

I will finish this post before you can say Jack Rob