Why does dating seem so easy for other people but not me?

[russ_watters]

I am a 39 year old heterosexual man, and i have never been on a date in my life. No woman has ever been interested in dating me in my life.

The second sentence is almost certainly false, and I'm certain you didn't ask all of them to make sure.

Because the most important factor in determining how attractive a woman finds a man is the man's height, not how handsome or ugly the man is. It is still about physical traits.

If you want to make finding a match about statistics, then fine; some fraction of women use height as a screening criteria (I'm 5'7" -- I've noticed it). Some don't (I dated a girl who was 5'9"). Overall, the odds of finding a match if you are 3' tall still aren't zero. And the odds that your physical attributes make you unsuitable for any kind of match by age 39 are astonishingly close to zero. So you should be questioning your approach, not the hand you were dealt. Because the situation you find yourself in is nigh on impossible to be caused by others (all of them).

 

[russ_watters]

I started to write another post about this thread making me angry, but I deleted it. @TechieDork at age 19 it's ok to be clueless. You'll probably figure it out. The #`1 problem I see in your posts is an unwillingness to be vulnerable. You think you're ugly? Maybe you are. But if you also think girls are hitting on you and some might not be trying to prank you, then there must be some redeeming quality about you. I think what you really need is to relax and not make negative assumptions about yourself.

It's often said that women respond to confidence. My perception is that it's not confidence per se, it's comfort/ease. As an introvert myself, an awkward conversation makes me want to run whereas a comfortable, easy conversation makes me want to stay. I think everyone is like that. In the traditional male/female roles though, it is usually the guy who is approaching the girl, so he's the one who is vulnerable/at risk, and needs confidence to overcome it. That barrier can be lowered by repetition, alcohol or by working through a group of friends.

 

[mathwonk]

To follow up on Russ Watters' suggestions, I think one key is taking an interest in other people, rather than wondering when they are going to notice us. I was once on a plane seated with a woman who absolutely turned me off, and whose conversation I could not wait to end. There was also a third person in our row, a man who spoke with me and fascinated me, perhaps because of his interest in my ideas. Then he began to speak with the tiresome woman near both of us, and as he drew her out with interested questions, I began to become interested in her as well. She became charming rather than distant, and I realized that she was as interesting as anyone, but I had been so absorbed in myself that I had not found it out. Try practicing this skill of learning about other people. I know I would benefit from doing more of it. It isn't easy, but it seems to work. To be blunt, if geeks like us can do it, you can do it too.

But as Dr. Courtney says, you do have to build up a tolerance for rejection. It does not always work the first time, and sometimes for a lot more times than that. But the ultimate success is eventually worth it. You also need to learn to notice when a girl is signalling to you to ask her out. We frequently miss out on opportunities because we are unwilling to respond to an overture that is obvious to everyone but us. When we cannot believe that a girl would want us to ask her out, we often ignore exactly those girls who are trying to provoke that response. Things may have changed, but many years ago, it seems girls wanted us to take the initiative and chance being rejected. The saying was roughly "faint heart ne'er won fair lady". go for it. but be prepared to have to repeat same.

 

[timmeister37]

Been here on this floating rock for almost 20 years and still can't find a girlfriend.Every day in college I just wake up eat shower study eat shower and sleep.
When it comes to dating . I don't know why it seems so easy for other people. They just get in and out relationships so easily. I literally have zero idea about the realm of relationship and women,
Or I am just not good looking enough?

How tall are you?

 

[Auto-Didact]

I am a 39 year old heterosexual man, and i have never been on a date in my life. No woman has ever been interested in dating me in my life.

Watch "The 40 Year Old Virgin".

Also for the young man who started this thread: it sounds like you just have to get accustomed to being around them without going into a fight/flight reaction. What might help is to take up dancing at a dancing school, this way you get to meet and interact with a lot of women quickly; this will almost certainly lessen any unfortunate conditioning that has left you in a rut with women.

In general however just treat girls as you would treat your close friends, i.e. don't try to impress them, don't act differently for them, don't hold back how you feel in front of them, learn to listen and respond and occasionally be bad/make jokes/naughty remarks, but don't overdo it; eventually one will be interested in you, then the ball is in your court and its just a matter of getting to know each other.

 

[morrobay]

Hello @TechieDork , So I just noticed your in Thailand . In an international school ? Are you a foreigner or half Thai ? And if you are at a University in Bangkok and having girl issues there must be millions of guys that wish they had your problems. So any good news ?

 

[StatGuy2000]

Hello @TechieDork , So I just noticed your in Thailand . In an international school ? Are you a foreigner or half Thai ? And if you are at a University in Bangkok and having girl issues there must be millions of guys that wish they had your problems. So any good news ?

I believe in past threads @TechieDork has indicated that he is ethnically Thai and a student at a Thai university (he didn't specify which university in Thailand, or whether he is a student in Bangkok).

 

[StatGuy2000]

Because the most important factor in determining how attractive a woman finds a man is the man's height, not how handsome or ugly the man is. It is still about physical traits.

Are you saying this because you are short, and thus very bitter about not finding a relationship?

 

[DaveC426913]

Because the most important factor in determining how attractive a woman finds a man is the man's height, not how handsome or ugly the man is. It is still about physical traits.

Nonsense. I'm 5'7" soaking wet, and not particularly attractive, yet I've had more women than my taller, more attractive brothers.

Because I'm funny.

I'm not particularly sociable, but when I find myself in groups (such as the Yearbook Committee) my irreverent nature makes for a lot of laughter.

And there are a lot of very nice, pretty but very shy girls out there. I discovered that - in a safe environment such as an after school club with a bunch of people (as opposed to a one-on-one date situation) - they would light up when I gave them special attention.

 

[timmeister37]

Nonsense. I'm 5'7" soaking wet, and not particularly attractive, yet I've had more women than my taller, more attractive brothers.

Because I'm funny.

I'm not particularly sociable, but when I find myself in groups (such as the Yearbook Committee) my irreverent nature makes for a lot of laughter.

And there are a lot of very nice, pretty but very shy girls out there. I discovered that - in a safe environment such as an after school club with a bunch of people (as opposed to a one-on-one date situation) - they would light up when I gave them special attention.

Just because there are anomalies to a general rule does not automatically disprove the general rule.

I never said that it is impossible for a woman to pick a shorter guy over a tall guy. It's just a general rule.



This video shows the reality of short men in dating.

If you had the brain and mind you have now (so that you are still you), but you were otherwise an exact physical clone of me on everything except your brain, no woman would touch you with a ten feet long pole no matter how funny you were.

 

[timmeister37]

Are you saying this because you are short, and thus very bitter about not finding a relationship?

I am extremely short, but I am not bitter about not finding a relationship. I'm saying that the most important factor to women in a boyfriend is his height because it is true. Ask any woman.

 

[DaveC426913]

I never said that it is impossible for a woman to pick a shorter guy over a tall guy. It's just a general rule.

It's simply a factor.
There are uncountable factors that increase or decrease the odds of a gal liking a guy. Height is just one factor lost in a sea of factors.
I have a receding hairline.
I am not black.
I am not South Asian.
I am not bone-slim.
I don't have a lot of money.
I'm older than 20.
Each of these, individually, disqualify me for some subset of women. I could be six feet tall, and they would still disqualify me. But the corollary is that there are plenty of women who would consider them qualifiers instead of disqualifiers.

Height is not special in its effect on one's chances.

There are plenty of women who would not care about the height of a guy but would only date within their ethnicity, or age, or economic class. A half billion Asian women choose other factors than height for example.

 

[DaveC426913]

You cannot go wrong with a smile, a sense of humour and an honest air of platonic friendliness.

Best advice: Join a club of something you enjoy. I joined the yearbook committee.

The huge advantage of this is that girls can get to know when you are doing something other thantrying to woo them.

I had a ball, and made everyone laugh. They saw me in a safe environment - not just as a wolf circling their prey.
But most of all, I had confidence to be myself in a room of people.

Be comfortable with yourself, and love will find you.

 

[Averagesupernova]

It's worse , I was once "creepzoned" by a girl because of my looks. She said I look like a bank robber. I have never done anything to her.

Perfect opportunity. Tell her you and a friend are going to knock over a bank and are wondering if she'd like to come along. If she laughs, just say 'actually I think doing X would be better' and see what she says. If she continues to be creeped out, laugh and walk away. You're better off without her. Uptight == stay away. Works both ways. Remember that.

 

[morrobay]

Let me put girl problems in Thailand in perspective: Was just in a medium size supermarket and said to a wine department girl , this is a good wine. So she said "open it " I say no glasses. So she gets some plastic cups.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Free Range by Bill Whitehead for November 05, 2020