Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

Yoops! The US Postal Service put this map on the back of a pane of stamps depicting the Mississippi River last year.

 

[BillTre]

Poor Upper Peninsula of Michigan!
A few years a go their own state (the lower peninsula) made a map that omitted them.

Sometimes they give the UP to Wisconsin, sometimes they just merge Lake Superior and Lake Michigan.

 

[BillTre]

 

[topsquark]

-Dan

 

[Swamp Thing]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 322195
-Dan

He must be a graduate of Bob's School of Quantum Mechanics.

(originally posted a couple of times by @robphy)

 

[dextercioby]

 

[phinds]

If it's true that we're here to help others, what are the others here for?

Do all cemetery workers work the graveyard shift?

Since the elderly are called "old people", why aren't infants called "new people"?

How come when people are asked what they would take to a desert island, no one every says "a boat"?

If a deaf person goes to court is it still called a hearing?

Since they're just stale bread to begin with, how come croutons come in airtight, resealable packages?

When they say a dog food is "new and improved" how do they know?

 

[gmax137]

How come when people are asked what they would take to a desert island, no one every says "a boat"?

That's funny.

 

[Mayhem]

View attachment 322219

Wants world domination.

Language is indecipherable.

Technologically advanced.

Gets killed from a virus.

What did Indepedence Day mean by this?

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

How come when people are asked what they would take to a desert island, no one every says "a boat"?

I almost spit my coffee all over my computer on that one. That never occurred to me. LOL!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Wants world domination.

Language is indecipherable.

Technologically advanced.

Gets killed from a virus.

What did Indepedence Day mean by this?

You are confusing your alien invasions. When according to broadcaster Orson Wells, the aliens first invaded the US in 1938, they died from a virus. But when Will Smith took them on for the 4th of July, he slapped them silly.

 

[dextercioby]

Not a lame joke, but thr truth.

 

[davenn]

 

[topsquark]

-Dan

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[BillTre]

 

[phinds]

Guy drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through his wavy gray hair and scraggly beard. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-65, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to wait for the trooper to catch up.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
Guy paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I was afraid you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

 

[phinds]

 

[Mayhem]

Why did the mathematician scare his family for Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DennisN]

Short but sweet :

 

[BillTre]

Crossover event:

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[sbrothy]

View attachment 322389

Pilot must've been stoned. (Sorry).

[EDIT: Dunno what happened to the picture. Couldn't correct it.)

 

[Jonathan Scott]

View attachment 322389

In case anyone else is wondering what happened, this is actually an artwork:

https://www.gallery.ca/magazine/your-collection/jimmie-durham-they-will-be-smashed