Attracting Him: Tips to Make Him Ask You Out

[lisab]

Thanks,forget about my culture! We'll you're right in our culture it has the same meaning! And I remember once we went out of the town for two days for observing the sky and when we were in the cars and we were backing to our city I said oh I'm so tired and he opend his hand and said come sleep here and I put my head on his shoulder and he put his head on my head and on that time he was holding my hand too,you know after that day I was depressed for many days caue it bothers me.whats the meaning of all of these things? If he is interested why he doesn't say any thing?

I bet he's really shy, and he has very little experience with girls. Maybe he is looking for a clue from you?

Next time you're together and there is a quiet moment, consider saying something like, "I like being with you, I really like you."

 

[shahrzad1994]

I bet he's really shy, and he has very little experience with girls. Maybe he is looking for a clue from you?

Next time you're together and there is a quiet moment, consider saying something like, "I like being with you, I really like you."

Yes,maybe you don't believe it but he is 23 years old and he didn't have any relationship yet cause he was just studying and doing researches all time and it make it hard for me!
It's good idea maybe I'll do it!

 

[arildno]

Yes,maybe you don't believe it but he is 23 years old and he didn't have any relationship..

That means, usually, he IS very shy, not that, for example, he isn't really interested in girls.
I think lisab has the right approach here. Tell him how you like being around him.

 

[arildno]

And I remember once we went out of the town for two days for observing the sky and when we were in the cars and we were backing to our city I said oh I'm so tired and he opend his hand and said come sleep here and I put my head on his shoulder and he put his head on my head and on that time he was holding my hand too

I am almost positive certain he loves you deeply, but is terrified about destroying your relationship.
Furthermore:
Note that incidents like this show that, AT THE VERY LEAST, he is deeply respectful towards you, and wouldn't dream to take advantage of you in an improper way. He has had plenty of chances to behave disrespectfully towards you, but he hasn't done anything like that.
---------------------------------------------------
1. I would say it is NOT uncommon at all, in any culture, that you have two people loving each other, but both are too afraid of losing what they both cherish, that they constantly skirt the real issue, and leave each other in the dark about their true feelings.
You two wouldn't be the first to have such a relationship!

2. Another occurring pattern is that either of the two persons, or both, do not quite realize to themselves yet that it is actually love they feel for the other, rather than just friendship. That is, the conscious mind has not yet integrated the correct interpretation of the feelings the person has himself.

In both cases, words need to be said; in the second case, he who didn't realize he loved will need some time to discover his feelings' nature.
----
Lastly, I do not think you should be afraid to be open to him. He has already shown he is very respectful to you, and therefore, even in the off-chance that he feels JUST to be your friend (rather than being in love with you, too), HE is not the one who will jeopardize your friendship. If so happens, that your feelings are not reciprocated by him, it is YOU who might jeopardize the relationship by feeling too embarassed to meet up with him again.
---
But, to emphasize:
When he talks like this:
"I said we'll tell me about your relation ship and he said I've become friend with a girl but she doesn't know and I told him so go and tell her and he said I know she knows that I like her she should say some thing now and then I became stressful and I just went silent and he start to explain you are my best friend I don't want to loose our friendship forever I done my best scientific project with you and...so on."

then I interpret this as a practically sure sign he loves you, and that he went as far as he dared in expressing his love to you. He IS shy, and it cost him a lot of courage just to give you that explicit hint, and he was hoping for that you would take it to the next step.

I believe that is precisely what you should do!
The answer to the thread's question: "How can I attract him?" is, therefore, quite simply:
"He already is attracted to you!"

 

[shahrzad1994]

That means, usually, he IS very shy, not that, for example, he isn't really interested in girls.
I think lisab has the right approach here. Tell him how you like being around him.

I agree with you,but on the other hand you know he is a genius , he went to university when he was 15 and I guess maybe he didn't have time or want to spend time with girls!

 

[arildno]

He DOES want to be with a girl. You!

 

[shahrzad1994]

He DOES want to be with a girl. You!

I wish that ! :)

 

[arildno]

I wish that ! :)

Wouldn't it, really, be a much greater tragedy that both of you love each other, but none of you dare to say any words to that effect so no relationship materializes, rather than that off chance that you become aware of that he does not reciprocate your feelings?
In the latter case, you will certainly come through it after an initial devastation, but in the FIRST instance, both of your entire lives will have been a sad, lonely tragedy?

Even though I do not think he will reject you (I believe he loves you!), you must dare that possibility in order to become happy.

 

[shahrzad1994]

I am almost positive certain he loves you deeply, but is terrified about destroying your relationship.
Furthermore:
Note that incidents like this show that, AT THE VERY LEAST, he is deeply respectful towards you, and wouldn't dream to take advantage of you in an improper way. He has had plenty of chances to behave disrespectfully towards you, but he hasn't done anything like that.
---------------------------------------------------
1. I would say it is NOT uncommon at all, in any culture, that you have two people loving each other, but both are too afraid of losing what they both cherish, that they constantly skirt the real issue, and leave each other in the dark about their true feelings.
You two wouldn't be the first to have such a relationship!

2. Another occurring pattern is that either of the two persons, or both, do not quite realize to themselves yet that it is actually love they feel for the other, rather than just friendship. That is, the conscious mind has not yet integrated the correct interpretation of the feelings the person has himself.

In both cases, words need to be said; in the second case, he who didn't realize he loved will need some time to discover his feelings' nature.
----
Lastly, I do not think you should be afraid to be open to him. He has already shown he is very respectful to you, and therefore, even in the off-chance that he feels JUST to be your friend (rather than being in love with you, too), HE is not the one who will jeopardize your friendship. If so happens, that your feelings are not reciprocated by him, it is YOU who might jeopardize the relationship by feeling too embarassed to meet up with him again.
---
But, to emphasize:
When he talks like this:
"I said we'll tell me about your relation ship and he said I've become friend with a girl but she doesn't know and I told him so go and tell her and he said I know she knows that I like her she should say some thing now and then I became stressful and I just went silent and he start to explain you are my best friend I don't want to loose our friendship forever I done my best scientific project with you and...so on."

then I interpret this as a practically sure sign he loves you, and that he went as far as he dared in expressing his love to you. He IS shy, and it cost him a lot of courage just to give you that explicit hint, and he was hoping for that you would take it to the next step.

I believe that is precisely what you should do!
The answer to the thread's question: "How can I attract him?" is, therefore, quite simply:
"He already is attracted to you!"

I agree with you,I think most of all both of us afraid of destroying our friendship with starting a relationship . I don't say that he is in love me,but the signs I've seen , the things that happened between us which I told you before briefly made me think this , made me ask myself does he love me?
The first paragraph isn't clear to me,which incident you mean? And what do you mean by disrespectful behaviors?
Again you are right,some times I think maybe he didn't notice that he loves me,some times I tell myself you should give time to him maybe he needs time to understand that he loves you.
Wow that's the point I'm sure even if he feels just to be my friend rather than being in love with me he WON'T jeopardize our friendship,but as you said if some thing like this happen for me I will feel embarrassed and after that it will be hard for me to look in his eyes again and continuo our friendship .
You know there is a problem in his personality and it bothers me a lot,he doesn't have any problem with being in touch with people,from the ordinary people to university professors it's doesn't make difference,he can be in touch with all of them and he is socialized enough . some times we go out with my girl friends and he start talking with them , become friend with them even better than me ! So by doing this I can't accept he is shy,or he can't tell me his feelings or start a relationship with me,and I tell myself if he is like that why should I have the first steps?
Anyway,I really appreciate that you are helping me this way...your advices are really helpful and useful and I'm sure the next time i see him I'm going to have them in the background of my mind.
:) ;)

 

[jedishrfu]

I have a crazy idea, why not tell him about PF but not your screen name and maybe he'll stumble across this thread and it will get him thinking...

 

[arildno]

You know there is a problem in his personality and it bothers me a lot,he doesn't have any problem with being in touch with people,from the ordinary people to university professors it's doesn't make difference,he can be in touch with all of them and he is socialized enough . some times we go out with my girl friends and he start talking with them , become friend with them even better than me ! So by doing this I can't accept he is shy,or

Sure he can be shy all the same!
Think closely again what sort of SUBJECTS he is talking and laughing about with others.

If it is mainly politics, science, art and music, substantially shy persons often feel such conversation topics are Safe, because those topics are divorced from intimate personal FEELINGS, which is felt to be a "danger zone" for the shy person.

So, there is no contradiction about being an emotionally extremely shy person, and being a suave, intelligent talker.

That's basically the difference between being socially awkward and being shy.

 

[shahrzad1994]

I have a crazy idea, why not tell him about PF but not your screen name and maybe he'll stumble across this thread and it will get him thinking...

Woooooooow,it's really crazy and I haven't thought about it yet!
I think it needs a lot of courage!
On the other hand if I'm sharing these thing with you it's because of you are not him! What is going to happen when he reads these things ? What reaction he might have? I afraid !

 

[leroyjenkens]

I pick up on the hint that a girl likes me when she goes out of her way to touch me. Be touchy.

 

[arildno]

"The first paragraph isn't clear to me,which incident you mean? And what do you mean by disrespectful behaviors?"

Boorish boys exist in all cultures, thinking that, for example, if a girl rests her head at his shoulder, then he is somehow entitled to more physical contact with her. I'm NOT talking about the criminal versions of this type of behaviour, of course, but distasteful groping or kissing behaviour which goes way beyond the limit of proper behaviour, showing disrespect to the girl.

Your friend has had plenty of chances to be clumsy/boorish in this way, and he hasn't done so.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Wouldn't it, really, be a much greater tragedy that both of you love each other, but none of you dare to say any words to that effect so no relationship materializes, rather than that off chance that you become aware of that he does not reciprocate your feelings?
In the latter case, you will certainly come through it after an initial devastation, but in the FIRST instance, both of your entire lives will have been a sad, lonely tragedy?

Even though I do not think he will reject you (I believe he loves you!), you must dare that possibility in order to become happy.

I myself prefer the first tragedy! And I don't want the last case to happen ! Never!

 

[shahrzad1994]

Sure he can be shy all the same!
Think closely again what sort of SUBJECTS he is talking and laughing about with others.

If it is mainly politics, science, art and music, substantially shy persons often feel such conversation topics are Safe, because those topics are divorced from intimate personal FEELINGS, which is felt to be a "danger zone" for the shy person.

So, there is no contradiction about being an emotionally extremely shy person, and being a suave, intelligent talker.

That's basically the difference between being socially awkward and being shy.

Well, I guess you are right and that was a really good explanation for that behavior!
Thank you,you solved it!

 

[shahrzad1994]

I pick up on the hint that a girl likes me when she goes out of her way to touch me. Be touchy.

Hmmmmmm, I afraid of being touchy! Don't you think it makes him think in a bad way of me ?

 

[shahrzad1994]

"The first paragraph isn't clear to me,which incident you mean? And what do you mean by disrespectful behaviors?"

Boorish boys exist in all cultures, thinking that, for example, if a girl rests her head at his shoulder, then he is somehow entitled to more physical contact with her. I'm NOT talking about the criminal versions of this type of behaviour, of course, but distasteful groping or kissing behaviour which goes way beyond the limit of proper behaviour, showing disrespect to the girl.

Your friend has had plenty of chances to be clumsy/boorish in this way, and he hasn't done so.

O,yes.you are right. I've thought about it before and this behavior made me really happy, he had the chance to be boorish but he wasn't!
That's one of his characteristic that I like!

 

[arildno]

I myself prefer the first tragedy! And I don't want the last case to happen ! Never!

Hmmmmmm, I afraid of being touchy! Don't you think it makes him think in a bad way of me ?

Hmm..it seems to me you are perhaps also a bit afraid that he DOES love you, and if you become a pair, then that destroys your own present state of a romantic, unhappy love affair.

That is, you prefer romance, but dread love.

(And no, it is a perfectly normal, and quite common behaviour to be afraid of true commitment, preferring a state of longing&yearning instead)

 

[D H]

I pick up on the hint that a girl likes me when she goes out of her way to touch me. Be touchy.

Bad advice. You are thinking like a westerner. shahrzad1994 is from Iran. Different cultures.

 

[arildno]

Bad advice. You are thinking like a westerner. shahrzad1994 is from Iran. Different cultures.

Perhaps more challenging.
In a culture where the girl is strongly discouraged to take an overt, active step in initiating physical contact, she might, in order to circumvent that taboo, accidentally trip over, for example.
Then he must come to her rescue and take her hand to bring her back on her feet again...

Read Jane Austen and others for 19th century discreet wooing strategies..

 

[shahrzad1994]

Hmm..it seems to me you are perhaps also a bit afraid that he DOES love you, and if you become a pair, then that destroys your own present state of a romantic, unhappy love affair.

That is, you prefer romance, but dread love.

(And no, it is a perfectly normal, and quite common behaviour to be afraid of true commitment, preferring a state of longing&yearning instead)

Yes, I'm a little afraide,because of I had some bad experience before.
So you mean being touchy doesn't make him think in a bad way? How can I be touchy ?

 

[shahrzad1994]

Bad advice. You are thinking like a westerner. shahrzad1994 is from Iran. Different cultures.

You are right I'm a girl in east and you are from west,and I'm sure we have different culture,but you know I myself don't limit my culture my personality my knowledge to the area that I'm leaving.i look for the best thing that I can do,in most cases I look for the universal solution.thats why I'm discussing my problem with these guys from the west.

 

[arildno]

Yes, I'm a little afraide,because of I had some bad experience before.
So you mean being touchy doesn't make him think in a bad way? How can I be touchy ?

It might be better with words. If he IS shy, particularly around girls, he might be startled with a direct, unexpected touch. Besides, he might not understand its meaning.

With words, you can be more clear, and more discreet at the same time.

---
"So you mean being touchy doesn't make him think in a bad way? How can I be touchy ?"
Just a rather minor point, though:
The fact that you even ask that question is VERY indicitave for a modern Westerner of some cultural differences as well. But, not really that much more than our great-grandmothers had to show the same concerns for propriety that your question implies.

 

[shahrzad1994]

It might be better with words. If he IS shy, particularly around girls, he might be startled with a direct, unexpected touch. Besides, he might not understand its meaning.

With words, you can be more clear, and more discreet at the same time.

---
"So you mean being touchy doesn't make him think in a bad way? How can I be touchy ?"
Just a rather minor point, though:
The fact that you even ask that question is VERY indicitave for a modern Westerner of some cultural differences as well. But, not really that much more than our great-grandmothers had to show the same concerns for propriety that your question implies.

So you mean it's better to continuo with words.
But I think he is in the opposite,because in most cases he touches me instead of saying even one word to me!

 

[arildno]

So you mean it's better to continuo with words.
But I think he is in the opposite,because in most cases he touches me instead of saying even one word to me!

Well, have you ever said to him that you like that he touches you? That it warms you, and that you feel safe around him?


Besides, this is a new point it doesn't seem you've mentioned before:
That in his own, gentle way he seems eager to touch you, hold your hand, perhaps, give a hug or something like that?

Then it is GUARANTEED he loves you, and that he doesn't understand why his signs of affection for you are unrequited by you.

He is initiating physical contact, so therefore it should be acceptable for you to reciprocate it, either in words or by similar touches.

 

[leroyjenkens]

Hmmmmmm, I afraid of being touchy! Don't you think it makes him think in a bad way of me ?

Well, that depends on what kind of touching you're doing. I just meant, for example, touching his arm when you say something to him.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Well, have you ever said to him that you like that he touches you? That it warms you, and that you feel safe around him?Besides, this is a new point it doesn't seem you've mentioned before:
That in his own, gentle way he seems eager to touch you, hold your hand, perhaps, give a hug or something like that?

Then it is GUARANTEED he loves you, and that he doesn't understand why his signs of affection for you are unrequited by you.

He is initiating physical contact, so therefore it should be acceptable for you to reciprocate it, either in words or by similar touches.

No,no although it made me feel safe,relax I didn't say any thing.
Let me explain it for you completely,all of them started from a night that we went out of the town and I saw the first signs there.for example in all night wherever he wanted to go he asked me to go with him and all the time he was holding my back with his hands,or I remember in near the sunset we were sitting next to each other and I was tired so I put my head on my legs after a second even without saying on word he picked up my head and put it on his legs and at the same time he started to play with my hairs,I remember that I was not sleeping I've just closed my eyes and he knew that but when our friends came and ask him to go for the breakfast he ignore them and said no she is sleeping here and I said no no I'm awake go,he said no you are tired I don't want to go just relax! And I had many similar experiences but we didn't kiss or hug each other yet.
You know these behaviors made me really sad and embarrassed.cause he didn't say any thing. some times our friends didn't show me a good reaction .they asked me are you in a relationship with each other and I said no! And they asked me either so what is the meaning of your contacts? Why you are so close to each other? And i didn't have any answer even for myself.
Although I was suffering I didn't say anything to him,and you're right his signs of affection for me was unrequited by me.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Well, that depends on what kind of touching you're doing. I just meant, for example, touching his arm when you say something to him.

Hmmmmm,I see.
Good idea! Thanks

 

[D H]

Well, that depends on what kind of touching you're doing. I just meant, for example, touching his arm when you say something to him.

Even this is apparently forbidden in Islamic societies. It's "haram": sinful.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Even this is apparently forbidden in Islamic societies. It's "haram": sinful.

O,forget about Islamic societies we are just living there! In our society they tell that girls and boys you Shouldn't be in touch with each other,and if you touch each other , after death you will go to the hell,forget them!
Oh,you know "haram" ?
Are you Arabic?

 

[shahrzad1994]

Actually I had a girl ask me out recently.
It was awesome.

Well,good for you!
May I ask what has happened next? Didn't you ignore her?

 

[AlephZero]

Oh,you know "haram" ?
Are you Arabic?

Maybe you didn't know there are lots of Muslims living in the West. In the 2011 census, about 5% of the UK population said they were Muslim. A few are fundamentalists, but most are not. In some cities the Muslim population is as high as 20%.

In the UK, knowing a few words like "haram" and "halal" is no different from knowing say French, German, or Indian names for types of food.

But remember, most of us in the west probably know as little about what it is really like to live in Iran, as you know about what it is like to live in the UK or the USA - and even those two countries have different conventions from each other about what is acceptable behavior for people wanting to form relationships.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Maybe you didn't know there are lots of Muslims living in the West. In the 2011 census, about 5% of the UK population said they were Muslim. A few are fundamentalists, but most are not. In some cities the Muslim population is as high as 20%.

In the UK, knowing a few words like "haram" and "halal" is no different from knowing say French, German, or Indian names for types of food.

But remember, most of us in the west probably know as little about what it is really like to live in Iran, as you know about what it is like to live in the UK or the USA - and even those two countries have different conventions from each other about what is acceptable behavior for people wanting to form relationships.

Oh,really ? I didn't know that! Thanks for these informations.
You're right , but in every cases I try to solve my problem in a best way that I can,separated from the culture or the existing rules from the country that I'm living .

 

[arildno]

Although I was suffering I didn't say anything to him,and you're right his signs of affection for me was unrequited by me.

Well, since he already wants to be close with you, and shows his affections in a gentle, respectful way like this, I don't think it will be the last time such a moment presents itself (perhaps you could "engineer" it, like suggesting you two take a walk or something? Is it, perhaps, a nice spot by the river you like to sit by in the evening?)
Next time, say,if he is stroking your hair, just tell him you like him doing so.
So, honesty from your part is in order here!
But, you should also clarify your own feelings as to what you think is appropriate behaviour between you at this initial stage.
And, nobody can really help you with that, only yourself know whether, say, a kiss is a bit too intimate to begin with. After all, natural behaviour in a relationship is as much about the level of trust and understanding between the two of you, not just the type of physical acts by which you show each other affections.

So:
Know your own limits, what you are comfortable with, and what you'd rather wait with until your relationship matures, and be prepared to tell him you are not quite there yet.