Confess Your Sins to PF: Embarrassing Tales Welcome!

[TheStatutoryApe]

Some of them are good people, the majority them though I don't know very well and don't really care for. They can be entertaining though.

 

[JamesU]

I got to page 9 of that...I can not continue... *shudders*

 

[Moonbear]

I got to page 9 of that...I can not continue... *shudders*

Uh, yeah, I think you should take that all as a good example of why you should be really careful about who you meet online!

StatutoryApe, maybe you should edit out that link. I don't think that site is suitable for some of our younger members and that warning you posted is like a giant neon sign tempting them to look.

 

[JamesU]

It amazes me that you can put virtually anything on the net. Some peoplpe shouldn't. and SA shouldn't really post his confessions here

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

It's gone now. I had begun thinking that I should take it down.

It amazes me that you can put virtually anything on the net. Some peoplpe shouldn't. and SA shouldn't really post his confessions here

Ummmm... yeah that's why I didn't. I shouldn't have posted that link either.
Sorry to anyone who looked at it that was offended.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

When I was sixteen I spent a summer working for a certain horse racing track; one of the big ones. One of the higher ups took me under his wing, sort of, and after the races I found myself attending very exclusive get togethers with the owners - very, very rich people - in what had to be one of the most exclusive restaurants in Southern California. A couple of times the boss boss even slipped me a hundred dollar bill for no reason. At sixteen this was too incredible to believe. This all seemed just too good to be true; and it was. One day the boss boss asked me if I would be interested in making some big money for an easy job. How much I asked. "Oh, maybe ten or twenty thousand", he replied. I got out the car and never went back. Only later did I learn that the mob controlled the park. I had no idea what I had gotten into, but I knew that anything that paid that well had to be bad news; thank God! I shudder to think what might have happened.

 

[JamesU]

wow...too bad...

 

[Danger]

I'm incredibly pissed off right now, which is indirectly related to this thread. Hardware problem, which I will explain when finished here.

You've all sinned.

I have never 'sinned'. That's a religious concept, and I'm an atheist. I've done things that I regret, and some that I'm ashamed of, but I have never sinned.

I also regret getting the fetuccine alfredo at Fazolli's the other night.

Even to someone who isn't an atheist, I don't believe that gastronomic indescretion counts as a 'sin'.

I started taking hits off the alter wine

That seems perfectly reasonable to me. When I was a year and a half old my parents got married and my middle brother gave them "Champaigne" in a baby bottle with a ribbon around it as a gag wedding gift. They thought that the top of the refrigerator would be a safe place to stash it (the fools!). That was the same time that I ate my mother's tulips. My first and only vegetarian meal, washed down with a fine Asti Spumante.

gravity took its course, and showered this Rolls Royce chap in about half a gallon of oil.

An honest mistake that inadvertently results in a hilarious outcome is not a 'sin'.

Forgive me, I have sinned. I watched an hour and a half of Big Brother Live last night. I'm so ashamed.

As well you should be. Being in England, you should at least have access to the Scandanavian (Swedish?) version, where they're naked and engaged in activities that are worth watching.

Oh, another one. I once tightened up the brakes on a friend's bike. Another friend then rode it, stopped a bit too quickly, and broke his arm.

Yet again, an honest screw-up that accidentally ended in injury. What an innocuous fellow you are.

That is the only thing I really can't stand and it has been a burden ever since it happened.

In my humble opinion, they're all *****es. If they're not willing to listen to, let alone give credence to, your side of the story, then they're too stupid for you to waste your time on. Put a saucer of cream on the floor and let them fight over it.

In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play.

That's just bloody funny. He probably would have lent it to you if he'd known what you needed, but it's better this way.

In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog...

Blaming it on the dog is proper, but the original act could have killed her. Not good.

When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out...

So what did they expect? That's like sending a 'sexaholic' to a clinic with female nurses.

I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater... ...then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience.

As a practical joke, that's priceless. The loss of comfort, plus cleaning costs and personal dignity of the victims probably didn't occur to you at the time, but it's something to keep in mind for future gags.

When I was in 6th grade I had to do a report, so I found one online, changed a lot of words and used that. is that so bad?

Yeah. Sorry dude, but that really sucks. It's alright to use something like that as a reference, but you should put it into your own words enough to prove that you understand what it is that you're talking about. To me, what you did would constitute cheating.

Okay, I've run out of things to quote now that Stats' link is gone. In regard to that... if Angel**** is really a girl rather than some weird guy, she sounds like the kind of woman I want to meet. Secondly, I want rudeboy's Mac11 smilie.
Stats, if you're totally over your cousin, I want to meet her. There's a bit of a sheep shortage around here right now, and she's pretty damned good looking for a human.

As for why I was pissed off at the beginning; I was more than half way through this response and my system crashed. Had to do the whole damned thing over again from memory, and it still took over half an hour. I'm not finished, but I'm going to post this now to make sure that I don't lose it again.

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

Recently went on a cruise round the caribbean (that's not the confession). The first stop-off point was Haiti, wherein I picked a coconut off a tree and smuggled it back to the ship in spite of regulations against bringing in fruit. On the last night of the cruise we skipped the whole going to bed thing and so, given the heavy week we'd had on top of that, the next morning when we alighted we were pretty exhausted... to the point of vaguely pleasant hallucinations. They became less pleasant as, when we went through customs and collected our baggage, we kept seeing signs along the lines of 'anyone caught bringing fruit into the US will be sent to Guantanamo Bay and se-ually abused on camera'. Well, maybe I misremembered the details. I wasn't sweating it too much at this point, but my traveling companion was suffering severe paranoia and was continuously buzzing in my ear about getting rid of it. His paranoia was becoming infectious and when we saw a sign about a $250 fine for fruit smuggling, which broke him completely, I was inclined to share his viewpoint. We'd seen a bag for the disposing of fruit and I tried to make my way back to it, but US customs people being as they are, they just threatened me with castration if I dared move in any unauthorised or unamerican direction. Sweat was pouring and my heart was pounding. I hadn't counted on this. My friend then asked me if I needed the toilet. This worried me, as I DID need the toilet. How did he know? Had I noticeably spoiled myself? Then I figured out his meaning... I could rid myself of the troublesome nut in a toilet cubicle. I headed off, but had trouble again inside the WC. Officials were wandering cubicle to cubicle to check for drugs, dead bodies and illegal immigrants. Knowing I'd look suspicious if I turned back now, I hid in a cubicle and counted my options. This far gone due to lack of sleep, some of them were bizarre. Suicide, confession, hostage-taking... all sorts of bizarre notions came to me. In the end I spent about ten minutes in there searching for the damn coconut which I'd wrapped in pants wrapped in shirts wrapped in other items in hope of avoiding detection. I eventually found it and stuffed it behind the toilet and made my getaway. The only thing, I thought, that could save me now was speed. We went through customs, hurried outside and jumped in a taxi. I could feel people chasing after us, but dared not look back. We made it to the car rental agency and then it dawned on my friend... a roughly spherical, non-descript item concealed behind a toilet in a US government building... sweet Jesus, what had I done? The bomb squad would be called, a state of national emergency provoked by my innocent desire for organic souvenirs. On the up side, we'd already escaped. We'd lied about our address at customs because we were going on a road trip and had no accomodation sorted. They couldn't hang anything on us. Unless... It dawned on me that when you enter the US now they take your fingerprints. Both of us had handled the coconut. Even when they figured out it wasn't a bomb, they would still consider it an act of terrorism if they construed it as a deliberate attempt to cause terror, regardless of whether there was any actually danger. They would then dust the coconut for prints, cross-check it against their database and our names and photos would pop up. As soon as we tried to leave the country, we'd be surrounded by cops with machine guns who would show us no mercy. We'd be renditioned to Syria and tortured for the rest of our lives. All hope vanished. There was no chance of getting away with it. We knew we were ----ed. We drove down to the Keys in silence, re-examining our lives. Knowing your freedom was coming to an end is like falling into a black hole... everything slows down to a stop. I asked my friend if I could use his cellphone to call my girlfriend waiting back home, blissfully unaware of my terrible fate. This might be the last time I ever speak to her, I thought. Too bad she wasn't in. My friend begged me to phone customs and tell them what I'd done. I knew what he was thinking. If we were caught trying to leave the country, both of us would be arrested. But if I gave myself up now, he might be spared. Solidarity had broken down, brother turned against brother, neighbour against neighbour, friend against friend. It was like the French revolution, but confined to a rental car. I knew he had a point, but something told me to wait until the next morning. Some default process in my mind told me that in the state we were in, any decision was likely to be the wrong one. We found a hotel and crashed (not the car). My friend was so stressed he didn't sleep again that night. In the morning I saw the comedy of our paranoia-induced logic, but alas he did not. He still believed me giving myself up was the only way out of his personal hell. It put a downer on the road trip. We made it up to downtown Orlando, which is practically a ghost town. How fitting for us. Some girl with a guitar in a bar was playing Karma Police and there were several empty cop cars lined up outside, none of which eased the troubled mind of my companion. Then we went to Universal Studios and rode the Mummy ride four times and forgot about the whole thing.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I'm going to submit that story to the editors of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

\o/ I'll have left my mark on the scientific community at long last!

 

[zoobyshoe]

\o/ I'll have left my mark on the scientific community at long last!

They may want to get in touch with you for an interview.

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

I sense a trap. They'll get me to confirm my story, then contact the coconut squad who'll be on me like a pack of bloodthirsty hounds. Time to slip away quietly. I have already said too much.

 

[Dr.Brain]

I once had went to a music store, and I wanted a CD badly... so I kept it under my shirt ...and the security guard caught me...and I was taken to the music store head...he called my parents...That was most embarassing...

 

[matthyaouw]

Strange and Eerie Coincidence?

Early this morning I hit the "New Thread" button after I'd already started the Famous People and Favorite Shakespeare threads, and I typed in:
------------------
"Confess To Father Zooby

Since tomorrow an engine may fall off a jet and knock anyone of us into the next life, I think it would be best if we took this opportunity to unburden our souls of that bit of mischief that we've been carrying around for years."
-----------------
I stopped and stared at that for a while, but I couldn't think of a good example of the kind of mischief I was referring to to get people started. In other words, I was a bit afraid someone might blurt something really bad out, instead of the light, funny stuff I was going for. I decided it was "Better safe than sorry", and chucked the whole thread.

Now, a few hours later, I come and open General Discussion and see this thread. This is a bit creepy.

My confession- I routinely stalk members of the yellow clique, stealing their better ideas where possible.

I keep finding similar things happen- I'll toy with the idea of starting a thread on a message board, and next time I go on, its already there.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I keep finding similar things happen- I'll toy with the idea of starting a thread on a message board, and next time I go on, its already there.

This is the first time it's happened to me. The weird thing is the fact I had it all typed out, and only needed a sentence or two more to be ready to hit the submit button, before I decided to chuck it. I've half a mind to suspect you psychically picked up this idea, but that's probably just a mild case of Haitian coconut fever.

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

Be careful. That allegedly leads to Jamaican Pure Weed Spliff Syndrome, where you find yourself tossing overboard a perfectly good bifter you smuggled in because your permanently paranoid partner freaked when you left it lying around in your stateroom for the attendants to spot and came back to find a letter stuck to your door. That the letter just asks you to leave your rented tux outside your door by 10 am does not, it seems, alleviate the symptoms. That's a lesson I learned the hard way - twice! Never take the advice of a red-faced, sweating man with darting eyes lest you find yourself relieved of some desirable autochthonous vegetation.

 

[Minorail]

where is momique ?

 

[zoobyshoe]

where is momique ?

Monique is a person of outstanding character who has nothing to confess.

 

[Danger]

Monique is a person of outstanding character who has nothing to confess.

Rats! There goes that idea...

 

[BobG]

The scenario:
While in the military, I made a DITY (do it yourself move). Thanks to good planning, and a little bit of luck in getting an incredible deal on a rental truck from one of the big three reputable rental agencies, I was set to make about $2,000 on the move.

The sin:
Rather than gloat in my good fortune, I decided to drive back to my old base and clean the house myself, thereby saving about another $200 in cleaning costs.

The result:
Loading a truck, driving 600 miles, unloading a truck, and driving another 600 miles the opposite direction reduces your ability to reason rationally. Severely fatigued males shouldn't be allowed to play with cleaning materials.

But, I did have a miracle cleaner, recommended by someone, that would clean the grout in tile effortlessly and clean that lime residue that's hard to remove from the sliding shower doors. Coat the bottom of the tub in Comet (with chlorine bleach), coat the shower tile with my miracle cleaner, close the bathroom door and take a break. Wow, I wonder what could be in this miracle cleaner to make it work so well? Hmmm, it's an acid based cleaner and the warning says ... DON'T MIX WITH CHLORINE BLEACH??!

Auuggh! The cleaner was already dripping down into the Comet in the tub. I quickly turned on the fan and debated whether I should wait it out for a day or two or try to prevent a major chemical disaster. I opted to limit the damage as best I could by holding my breath as I quickly rinsed the Comet down the drain while wiping off as much of the acid cleaner from the tile as I could. Fortunately, Comet doesn't have that much chlorine bleach in it, so I survived.

I did finally get both the tub and the tile clean, but the miracle cleaner wasn't as big a miracle as I'd been led to believe. I wound up scrubbing the grout and there was still a little bit of a lime residue on the shower doors that just wouldn't come out (in fact, none of the miracle chemicals I tried worked on anything - I wound up having to resort to old fashioned elbow grease). Worse yet, my timing was bad. Everytime I refreshed my bucket of water for cleaning walls, cabinet doors, windows, and/or mopping, I wound up dumping the old dirty water down the tub drain (I just don't even know why). Eventually the tub quit draining and the old dirty water just sat there in the bottom of the tub that I'd risked my life to clean.

Well, I'd had enough of chemicals. I figured a plunger would be safer. The problem was that if you plunge the drain, air just rushes down the overflow tube and it doesn't plunge the plugged up part of the pipe at all. There was still a non-toxic solution. I'd just plug the overflow hole and all would be well. A rag should do the trick. Thwuup! Dang! I sure didn't think a plunger would create enough suction to suck the entire rag down the overflow hole! Now what do I do!?

That took some thought, so I didn't deal with it until the rest of the house was clean. I finally resorted to bailing the water out of the tub, cleaning it, and absorbing any left over water with a sponge, including a little bit of standing water in the drain itself.

Final result: At final inspection, I had a sparkling clean tub, sparkling clean shower doors (I resorted to using Lemon Pledge - the stains don't reappear for at least a day), and not even a hint of water in the tub. Perfect job!

I feel sorry for whoever moved in after me the first time they used the tub, though.

 

[hypatia]

ok, hangs head in shame...

When I was 8, my brothers were making rockets from matches, fuses and foil. They wouldn't let me play with them. A neighbor saw what they were doing{the matches} and made them stop.
After they left to go to the park, I snuck into their room, and took the rocket supplies. Ran behind a bush in the backyard, and tried to mimic what they had done.
It back fired, sending little hot match heads all over the place, and of course I took off.
The neighbor that called the fire department, told them he had seen my brothers playing with matches. We lost 2 garbage cans and a telephone pole that day.
There is no way of honestly knowing WHO really started the fire, it might not of been me...so I thought it best to just keep my mouth shut.

Jeez I hope they don't read this.

 

[Artman]

In my senior year of high school I was in an expository writing course and we had to do research papers in the library.

(confession #1) Well this was my first time in the library in four years of HS.

(confession #2) I discovered the art section and spent the next four months reading all the art books I could.

(confession #3) During graduation practice I was called off the field and told that I would have to go to Summer school and take expository writing again because I hadn't completed any of my three term papers.

What could have been bad turned out alright. I talked my teacher into allowing me to write three term papers in two weeks, and I passed.

 

[BobG]

In my senior year of high school I was in an expository writing course and we had to do research papers in the library.

(confession #1) Well this was my first time in the library in four years of HS.

(confession #2) I discovered the art section and spent the next four months reading all the art books I could.

(confession #3) During graduation practice I was called off the field and told that I would have to go to Summer school and take expository writing again because I hadn't completed any of my three term papers.

What could have been bad turned out alright. I talked my teacher into allowing me to write three term papers in two weeks, and I passed.

You just lacked talent. When I was assigned research papers in high school, I rarely required an expository to pull something out my a**. (Okay, so I graduated in the bottom 25% of my class, it was the bottom 25% of a very good school!)

 

[Artman]

You just lacked talent. When I was assigned research papers in high school, I rarely required an expository to pull something out my a**. (Okay, so I graduated in the bottom 25% of my class, it was the bottom 25% of a very good school!)

I was very distracted by the art books. How do you think I got as far as I did in school? I rarely did any homework. Just pulled something out at the last minute.

 

[Gale]

well, I'm a pretty bad girl, so there are lots of things i could probably confess to, but most of it is probably pretty scandalous.

one i'll share though...

sophomore year in history we had a final paper that had to be at least 5 pages long on anything in history we wanted. I wasn't very fond of the teacher or class... and plus i was a brat.

so, there was a running joke about my teacher's sexuality... so i decided my paper would be on "Gay's in History." i started my paper with a very formal paragraph that sounded very serious and all that. Then i broke into this fictional story about a gay juggler and his suicidal lover, and ended up with the origin of the rainbow as a gay symbol... then i added some fake quotes from fake professors. tossed in a completely random, obscure, but entirely factual paragraph about pineapples, and then concluded with a list of famous gays and random facts about them. last page was a bibliography, with actual resources i had used, including the pineapple one.

I passed in the paper, and he gave me a zero... which brought my final grade down from a B to a D. so i complained and told him that based on his grading requirements, i deserved at least a 50 on the paper. his requirements were like, 10 pts grammar and spelling, (i had perfect grammar and spelling) 20 pts annotated bilbiography, (i had that as well,) 20 pts creativity and voice, (definetly had that) 30 pts historical content, (i did have the pineapple thing... but mostly nothing else,) 20 pts logical thesis and supporting research, (ya, none...)

he ended up giving me the 50, but being very very annoyed about it. it was a pretty funny paper, all the funnier because i got a somewhat decent grade... sorta... anyways, i feel sort of bad now. sorta...

 

[BobG]

I was very distracted by the art books. How do you think I got as far as I did in school? I rarely did any homework. Just pulled something out at the last minute.

Pampered too. When we did require assistance in pulling something out, we didn't get something as nice as expositories - we just had plain old enemas.

Uh, wait a minute - either you're using the wrong word or else I finally understand why the Montreal Expos were such a failure.

 

[JamesU]

well, I'm a pretty bad girl, so there are lots of things i could probably confess to, but most of it is probably pretty scandalous.

one i'll share though...

sophomore year in history we had a final paper that had to be at least 5 pages long on anything in history we wanted. I wasn't very fond of the teacher or class... and plus i was a brat.

so, there was a running joke about my teacher's sexuality... so i decided my paper would be on "Gay's in History." i started my paper with a very formal paragraph that sounded very serious and all that. Then i broke into this fictional story about a gay juggler and his suicidal lover, and ended up with the origin of the rainbow as a gay symbol... then i added some fake quotes from fake professors. tossed in a completely random, obscure, but entirely factual paragraph about pineapples, and then concluded with a list of famous gays and random facts about them. last page was a bibliography, with actual resources i had used, including the pineapple one.

I passed in the paper, and he gave me a zero... which brought my final grade down from a B to a D. so i complained and told him that based on his grading requirements, i deserved at least a 50 on the paper. his requirements were like, 10 pts grammar and spelling, (i had perfect grammar and spelling) 20 pts annotated bilbiography, (i had that as well,) 20 pts creativity and voice, (definetly had that) 30 pts historical content, (i did have the pineapple thing... but mostly nothing else,) 20 pts logical thesis and supporting research, (ya, none...)

he ended up giving me the 50, but being very very annoyed about it. it was a pretty funny paper, all the funnier because i got a somewhat decent grade... sorta... anyways, i feel sort of bad now. sorta...

how did you include a paragraph aboutpineapples in a paper about gays?

 

[matthyaouw]

so i decided my paper would be on "Gay's in History."
(i had perfect grammar and spelling)

Are you sure?

 

[Artman]

either you're using the wrong word or else I finally understand why the Montreal Expos were such a failure.

My lack of spelling ability reminds me of another thing that I need to confess:

I changed the lettering of my grade school sign (20 feet in the air on the side of the building, I had to shimmy up a drain pipe ). Suffice it to say I can't write it here.

 

[dextercioby]

how did you include a paragraph aboutpineapples in a paper about gays?

You don't want to know... : Oh and that zucchini...

Daniel.

 

[JamesU]

okay, I've got it... [grossed out sarchasm]thenks dextercioby[/GOS]

 

[1123581321]

I once broke a kids arm, and then knocked him out by putting him in the sleeper hold, but he was asking for it, he tried to take my money.

another time, i broke a chickens neck, just to see if they really run around for a while after you do it.

another time, i put itching powder on the nozzle of some kids axe, and he sprayed it all over himself, it was funny, but he had it comming.

another time, i got into the school's computer system, and made a porn slideshow in some kids file folder

Fibonacci

edit: i feel no remorse, I'm going to hell (the 9th level)

 

[JamesU]

how do you perform the sleeper hold? (I've always wondered)

 

[Gale]

how did you include a paragraph aboutpineapples in a paper about gays?

You don't want to know... : Oh and that zucchini...

Daniel.

Actually... no. you're such a perv daniel. The paragraph about pineapples was completely random. the paper was like... made up gay stuff... more gay stuff... more gay stuff... Pineapples were often used as door decorations to welcome sailors home after long voyages... then some more fictional gay stuff... it was funnier that way. my teacher circled the whole paragraph in my paper and then wrote lots of explanation points and question marks...

and ya... my spelling and grammar in the paper was excellent... i don't pretend that it is all the time.