Ending Relationships: What's a Reasonable Excuse?

[zoobyshoe]

zooby you are so cool, so incredible, I adore you. What the hell were they expecting? Were you fake when you first met them? Did you pretend to be something different so when the real you came out they were surprised?

There is a dichotomy in my behavior which was a big part of the problem. It's not a matter of being fake and then the real person coming out, it is what I think would be called a "cyclothymic" disorder, which is like a mild version of bipolar disorder. In other words, sometimes I'm really "up": very expansive and entertaining, but other times I'm quite depressed, withdrawn, and touchy. Hence, the exasperation factor.

If you were aloof, absorbed in other things, I would ask myself if this was the type of person I would enjoy being with. If the answer was no, I would leave.

This is pretty reasonable. I think this would have been good advise for someone to give them.

 

[zoobyshoe]

They should have told you flat out...

Oh, they did. Quite directly and plainly, many times.

 

[Smurf]

Have you been diagnosed with this.. "cyclothymic" disorder?

 

[moose]

Oh, they did. Quite directly and plainly, many times.

If they wanted it that much, why did they remain with you? Why did they want to change who you are, which isn't possible?

 

[JamesU]

is smurf dumping Evo? it's okay evo, have a pickle...

<chomp, sob>

*sneaks off to mentor forum and finds some GOOBF cards...*

 

[zoobyshoe]

Have you been diagnosed with this.. "cyclothymic" disorder?

Nope. I have been to shrinks about the depression, though, and have gotten that diagnosis. I've mentioned that I feel what seems to me to be unnaturally "up" at times, but they just said that's what it feels like to be normal and not depressed. Regardless, people around me notice, and remark upon, the difference.

 

[moose]

is smurf dumping Evo? it's okay evo, have a pickle...

<chomp, sob>

*sneaks off to mentor forum and finds some GOOBF cards...*

Welcome to page 1?

 

[zoobyshoe]

If they wanted it that much, why did they remain with you? Why did they want to change who you are, which isn't possible?

I doubt if they would have thought of it as changing who I was.

 

[Smurf]

just how you act then? :rollseyes:

 

[whozum]

If they wanted it that much, why did they remain with you? Why did they want to change who you are, which isn't possible?

So many people think they can do this but it's not possible. People even think they can change themselves to conform to what one person wants, but usually its a failure also. I think we all do it in one way or another though, its somewhat subconscious

 

[zoobyshoe]

zooby you are so cool, so incredible, I adore you.

Really? I was kind of just thinking that this could be a sign of low self-esteem or devalued confidence. He's obviously making himself out to be the cause of these girls going slutty on him.

Incidently, Smurf, I must kill you for this response to Evo's compliments of me.

 

[Moonbear]

Nope. I have been to shrinks about the depression, though, and have gotten that diagnosis. I've mentioned that I feel what seems to me to be unnaturally "up" at times, but they just said that's what it feels like to be normal and not depressed. Regardless, people around me notice, and remark upon, the difference.

That can be really tough in a relationship. If you meet someone during a time when the depression is mild or absent, and they think you're this great, up-beat guy, then you sink into a sullen period, they may not be prepared for that change in moods. I don't know if at the time you already were aware of your depression, or if that's when you first became aware of it. The best I can suggest is that when you meet a woman, you let her know right up front that you're struggling with depression, whether or not you can/will alleviate it with medication, and how often you experience it and for how long. That way, she can decide if she's prepared to deal with that as a factor of your personality, plus when it happens, she isn't caught off guard about it, left thinking she's doing something wrong that you've begun to withdraw.

 

[SpaceTiger]

For example, if your partner kissed someone else - ("accidently" or not) would you find that valid reason to break up with them?

As many have already pointed out, it's not a matter of justifying it to them, since you should break up whenever you feel the need to. A better question is whether or not this implies something about that person that you won't be able to live with in the long run. It might mean that they're "loose", or it might just mean that you need to be more affectionate/attentive. Or maybe both. That's something only you can decide.

As for me, it depends on the circumstances, but I generally give my girlfriends a lot of attention, so there's no excuse for them doing anything like that behind my back. It did happen to me once and I did eventually break up with the girl, though not at the time it happened. If it were to happen now, I would probably break up with them right away. I suppose I might be more understanding if it were a long distance relationship, but it's still a lousy thing to do.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I don't know if at the time you already were aware of your depression, or if that's when you first became aware of it.

This is the thing. This was all 25 years ago, and at that time I had no conception of the notion of clinical depression. Most people didn't. I just considered myself vaguely maladjusted, or tempermental or whatever. Now, being aware of what's going on, I don't get nearly so bad. It would be an exaggeration to say I'm "struggling" with depression, because it isn't that intrusive at this point.

 

[Gale]

bah, i can't post in here without sounding like a horrible girl...
hmm... how about i say... some girls do want guys like zooby... even though he's difficult... and um... its hard for those girls... and I'm glad zooby is a forgiving guy...

and um, I'm especially glad whozum agreed with zoob.

 

[Moonbear]

This is the thing. This was all 25 years ago, and at that time I had no conception of the notion of clinical depression. Most people didn't. I just considered myself vaguely maladjusted, or tempermental or whatever. Now, being aware of what's going on, I don't get nearly so bad. It would be an exaggeration to say I'm "struggling" with depression, because it isn't that intrusive at this point.

Oh, I see. Yeah, it would have been different 25 years ago when nobody knew what it was and would have thought you should just be able to "snap" yourself out of it. Not much you can do about what happened 25 years ago now.

 

[Lisa!]

Recently I noticed it's women who usually want to break up!

Unfortunately, that happens over and over again..
There are enough of stories where one of the partners feels the break-up coming out of the blue; they themselves were content, and perhaps even happy in the relationship.

I don't think it happens unexpectedly anyway! Of course in some cases you're happy with someone before meeting a cooler person and you suddenly don't feel happy with your partner anymore. I mean at that moment, you just find out the true meaning of happiness or perhaps you think you would be happier with that person! (I don't want to say you're always right, perhaps it's your biggest mistake in the life...)Sounds very cruel to leave someone when he's not done anything wrong, but I think if you love someone more than him, you'd better to leave him. It's kind of dishonesty with yourself and your partner. I mean you're with someone just physically while your mind and heart is somewhere else.
<I'm in a bad mood now! >

 

[Smurf]

Yeah, I don't buy that lisa. You have to know actually be with someone for a while and know them well because you can say you "love" them more than someone else. I think the majority of people who leave because they "love" someone else are probably just crushes, especially at younger ages.

 

[zoobyshoe]

bah, i can't post in here without sounding like a horrible girl...
hmm... how about i say... some girls do want guys like zooby... even though he's difficult... and um... its hard for those girls... and I'm glad zooby is a forgiving guy...

and um, I'm especially glad whozum agreed with zoob.

Thanks Gale. I don't mean to be difficult. I am a victim of my zoobie nature.

(Now watch: in two weeks every guy on PF will have found a way to somehow use that excuse.)

 

[Lisa!]

Yeah, I don't buy that lisa. You have to know actually be with someone for a while and know them well because you can say you "love" them more than someone else. I think the majority of people who leave because they "love" someone else are probably just crushes, especially at younger ages.

Yep, I agree with you but there are some exceptions anyway. For sure you know your coworkers, classmates, friends,your partner's friend... At first you may not realize you're happier with them but some events may cause you feel like that. It's risky anyway.

 

[arildno]

Recently I noticed it's women who usually want to break up!

I don't think it happens unexpectedly anyway! Of course in some cases you're happy with someone before meeting a cooler person and you suddenly don't feel happy with your partner anymore. I mean at that moment, you just find out the true meaning of happiness or perhaps you think you would be happier with that person! (I don't want to say you're always right, perhaps it's your biggest mistake in the life...)Sounds very cruel to leave someone when he's not done anything wrong, but I think if you love someone more than him, you'd better to leave him. It's kind of dishonesty with yourself and your partner. I mean you're with someone just physically while your mind and heart is somewhere else.
<I'm in a bad mood now! >

I wasn't talking about the person who wants to break up, but the person who doesn't want that, and went about having no idea how his partner actually felt about the relationship.

 

[Joel]

Mmm, break ups... A rather long relationship of my ended a few months ago and it sure feels empty. But not as empty as it could have felt, we have been able to support each other a lot in the process. Now we are moving towards a steady friendship, which I hope will last, regardless of what people say. Many years is a way too big investment to throw completely into the trash bin, in my oppinion. So, that's my advice - if in any way possible, don't burn bridges in vain.

 

[vanesch]

I'm curious as to what you people think is a reasonable excuse for ending a relationship?

Like: "eh, hunny, I'm going out to buy cigarettes... see you." ?

(even if you don't smoke...)

 

[Joel]

Like: "eh, hunny, I'm going out to buy cigarettes... see you." ?

(even if you don't smoke...)

:!) That would be the OTHER approach.

 

[Lisa!]

I wasn't talking about the person who wants to break up, but the person who doesn't want that, and went about having no idea how his partner actually felt about the relationship.

I understood who you were talking abut, so I said it's not usually unexpected. The person who claims the break up happened to them so unexpectedly, isn't usually right, unless...( the situation I explaind )

 

[Astronuc]

Like: "eh, hunny, I'm going out to buy cigarettes... see you." ?

(even if you don't smoke...)

Might not be effective if the person being left is living in one's home.