I Think I Messed Up What Would You Do?

[PAllen]

If the woman is the danger or potential danger, the children should go to the father.

Obviously, but my point is that I disagree with an earlier claim that men would be unlikely to feel trapped in an abusive relationship. If there are kids, it seems easy to imagine. Fear of how the legal process would go, fear of single parenthood, denial, all seem nearly equally likely to affect a man in this situation as they would a woman.

 

[Evo]

Obviously, but my point is that I disagree with an earlier claim that men would be unlikely to feel trapped in an abusive relationship. If there are kids, it seems easy to imagine. Fear of how the legal process would go, fear of single parenthood, denial, all seem nearly equally likely to affect a man in this situation as they would a woman.

So, if there was a record of abuse by the wife, it would help the man.

There is no fear of single parenthood if you love your children and want what's best for them.

I was a single parent for years after my divorce, so I don't get what you are saying. Sometimes the father is the right choice.

 

[Office_Shredder]

He's simply saying that many of the reasons for why women have trouble leaving abusive relationships apply to men as well.

Do you think that everybody considering divorce in these situations is thinking ' I'll just get a divorce and get custody no big deal' after years of being a doormat for their spouse? Probably not. What the reality is doesn't matter, it's people's fears and perceptions, wrong though they may be, which can trap them in a relationship they should leave

 

[Evo]

He's simply saying that many of the reasons for why women have trouble leaving abusive relationships apply to men as well.

Do you think that everybody considering divorce in these situations is thinking ' I'll just get a divorce and get custody no big deal' after years of being a doormat for their spouse? Probably not. What the reality is doesn't matter, it's people's fears and perceptions, wrong though they may be, which can trap them in a relationship they should leave

Now *that* makes sense.

 

[lisab]

So, if there was a record of abuse by the wife, it would help the man.

There is no fear of single parenthood if you love your children and want what's best for them.

I was a single parent for years after my divorce, so I don't get what you are saying. Sometimes the father is the right choice.

There's a perception that women have the advantage in child custody cases. If a man is married to an abusive woman but there is no proof or documentation of it, I can understand if he's hesitant to get a divorce. It could be worse for the kids, if they end up in her custody.

 

[Evo]

I did have a hard call to make the other day. I was walking to the mailbox, and across the street I could hear a man yelling at the top of his lungs and a woman screaming. It sounded like she was being chased through the condo, as the yelling and screaming moved through the unit. I could hear this from around the corner as I neared the mailboxes.

Now, it could have been a couple of teens playing. It could have been nothing more than a guy chasing a girl with a water gun. I didn't hear any sounds of beating or pain, just hatred from the male and fear from the woman. Unfortunately I couldn't even tell which unit it was coming from. I ended up not calling it in. I've been questioning my actions, I've not seen police there. So maybe whatever it was resolved peacefully, or they were just playing pranks.

I'm still upset about it.

 

[SHISHKABOB]

I did have a hard call to make the other day. I was walking to the mailbox, and across the street I could hear a man yelling at the top of his lungs and a woman screaming. It sounded like she was being chased through the condo, as the yelling and screaming moved through the unit. I could hear this from around the corner as I neared the mailboxes.

Now, it could have been a couple of teens playing. It could have been nothing more than a guy chasing a girl with a water gun. I didn't hear any sounds of beating or pain, just hatred from the male and fear from the woman. Unfortunately I couldn't even tell which unit it was coming from. I ended up not calling it in. I've been questioning my actions, I've not seen police there. So maybe whatever it was resolved peacefully, or they were just playing pranks.

I'm still upset about it.

one of the most annoying things about college is all the damn screams you hear. Some of them are just plain bloodcurdling.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

It is certainly a good point. But what it highlights is that fact the sexism works both ways (It biases an otherwise objective viewpoint). If we see a woman easily dodging the aggressions of a man, obviously unperturbed and unthreatened by it, why would we assume we know better than her, whether she is threatened?

Its true. People are programmed to believe that men are supposed to be strong and take care of themselves and women are weak and need to be protected. This is why we tend to consider males to be abusers and females to be victims. A friend of mine had his girlfriend staying with him at his place for a while. One night they got into an argument and he decided to walk away. He took out the trash so as to get out of the house for the moment. When he went to go back inside he found the door was locked. He was standing outside at night in winter with ice on the ground in his boxer shorts and a tee shirt. He sat down and waited for her to calm down and let him in. Apparently after about an hour or so he had enough of freezing his bits off so he decided to break in. He went in, quickly put on some clothes, grabbed his shoes and keys and such and went back outside. The police found him sitting on the porch putting his shoes on. His girlfriend had called them when she heard him breaking in. He explained what had happened and that he had just went into get clothes and such so he could go somewhere else for the night. He was arrested for domestic abuse for breaking into his own home because the law there states breaking into a place that your partner has locked you out of counts as domestic violence in itself. Apparently the DA then leaned on him hard, scared the crap out of him, and harassed him into accepting a plea agreement.

So really... what does a man being abused by his partner do when his partner can turn around and pull the victim card at any time? Does he dare do anything other than get out of the way when she tries to hit him? Does he dare shout back at her? Does he walk away and leave his child alone with a fuming abusive person who was just trying to hit him? What does he do other than play it cool and hope it stops soon?

 

[NeoDevin]

There's a perception that women have the advantage in child custody cases. If a man is married to an abusive woman but there is no proof or documentation of it, I can understand if he's hesitant to get a divorce. It could be worse for the kids, if they end up in her custody.

[emphasis mine]

This is one reason you should have reported it. At the very least once it's been reported, even if nothing comes of this incident, there's some documentation should the man need it in the future.

 

[NewtonianAlch]

those who doubt a woman can be a threat to a man have not seen some of the women around here. besides a weapon changes all that in an instant, even a club, certainly a knife, and even more a gun. here in georgia there are laws that allow people to carry concealed weapons, and as everyone knows, in states like florida they can shoot anyone who makes them feel threatened.

so the "only women should feel threatened" argument seems logically to allow the conclusion that any woman can shoot any man in any argument situation. interesting...

the only validity to any of these gender distinctions I can imagine is a possible biological link whereby males may be wired (by testosterone) to be more aggressive. I think it has less to do with size or strength.

I am also guilty of these biases in behavior since I have also neglected to report cases of women abusing men, whereas I would probably not ignore the other way around. The reason may be that the news usually reports the male eventually harming the woman fatally more often than the other way around, but it may just be chauvinism.


I also think there is a flaw in the principle that a physically weaker person should be allowed to abuse a stronger one. If you have two children and you allow the younger smaller one to beat on the older one without allowing the older one to retaliate, you may well cause more trouble than you prevent. A feisty small person can often defend him/herself quite effectively against a larger one. Abuse is about psychological dominance.

I agree with most of this, except about reporting to the police every "abuse" episode. I think it's rather subjective and depends on the situation. Given the scenario first presented by the OP; for something like that, would it really be necessary to report it to the police? I certainly don't think so, of course there are others that disagree.

I am not going to conclude based on isolated cases where these scenarios differ from the norm. By far (and I'm conjecturing here) for couples, the male is invariably going to be stronger and less affected by "physical" abuse if at all. I think the reason you don't hear about it is probably because it doesn't really happen in the framework of the average couple. Mental abuse is another ballgame, and the fact that one can lead to the other is of course a further complication.

 

[turbo]

Just a thought... One might be advised to be well-informed and specific when calling 911 for potential spousal abuse. A close friend of mine (married to my second cousin) was the chief of police of our town for years. He would routinely double-up the manpower on potential domestic violence cases (two officers instead of one) because such instances were dangerous for the cops. He could send one officer to respond to a bar-fight, but domestic-violence cases called for two, if he had them available.

As he put it "If I entered a DV scene, and broke up the dispute, I'd usually arrest the man (assumed aggressor), and I could get attacked by the wife in the process." When you're trying to settle a volatile situation and want to give at least one party a cooling-off period, the last thing you want to have to worry about is the other party coming at you with a knife when your back is turned. Remember what the cops have facing them every day, and give them as much information as you can manage when instigating a call.