Needing Sincere Honesty from the men on Here

[TR1KK1]

Needing Sincere Honesty from the men on Here...

Since I was a kid most of my friends have been guys. I have 3 brothers and no sisters so I was a tomboy in my younger years, and as I got older simply enjoyed the generally laid back demeanor of guys. Women seem too competitive with each other; quick to talk down about their girl "friends" in order to make themselves seem more appealing.

I am deeply in love with a guy who has constant issues with the fact that I have more guy friends than girl friends. Our latest argument has left me feeling completely disgusted with him. I am young, and still learning about relationships and am trying very hard to reach compromises with him so that he can feel comfortable in the relationship without allowing him to control me.

***He states that no man has any interest at all in spending time with a woman, or talking to them unless he is in pursuit of sleeping with her. He says that any guy friends I have are only hanging around in hopes that some day they will be able to **** me. he said he was the same till he "fell in love with me." I've had these friends from 3 to 10 years. To me that's a long time to put up with a "dumb girl that is uninteresting and only good for ****ing" when there has been no sexual nature in the relationship.

I need to know... I am sure that men aren't all so pathetic and shallow to think like that.
I just want to know the truth, I am so disgusted right now; how out of all the guys that actually enjoyed my company and liked me as a person, I quite possibly chose one of the most despicable, disrespectful men on the Earth to have fallen in love with. :(

 

[arildno]

Love is blind. Unfortunately. Learn to live with it. Meaning: You WILL make mistakes.

And no, not all guys are as despicable as your boyfriend.

 

[VeeEight]

He is jealous. At the very worst, his girlfriend is a pin cushion and he is none the wiser. If you are confident in your friends, introduce him to them and let them be friends on their own (without you there) so they can build a bromance.

 

[TubbaBlubba]

Get away from that man posthaste. Seriously. He sounds like some kind of sociopath who view other people as his tools for fun.

 

[AUK 1138]

He seems like a poor choice of mates. as to whether or not a man would be friends with a girl without wanting in her pants, it happens. i have girl friends who I've met through other people who i have no interest in sleeping with. i talk to girls i have no interest in sleeping with. now, don't get me wrong, if any of these women were to make a move on me, i'd probably go along with it. but i wouldn't initiate it. sadly, this only happens because I don't find them attractive enough for their personalities. ie, they aren't hot enough to balance out their traits that i don't find desirable.

 

[Norman]

Guy here. I have had lots of female friends. I have had girlfriends who I just couldn't be romantically involved with and we ended up being just friends. I have had friends who were female who tried to get me to be more than friends. I had no clue they felt that way about me until they said something. You can just be friends with someone of the opposite sex but it can get difficult and strange quickly.

Every person is an individual and maybe some of these male friends of yours do harbor romantic feelings, but I tend to agree with you that if they wanted it to be more they would likely have said or done something by now.

 

[Astronuc]

Guy here. I have had lots of female friends. I have had girlfriends who I just couldn't be romantically involved with and we ended up being just friends. I have had friends who were female who tried to get me to be more than friends. I had no clue they felt that way about me until they said something. You can just be friends with someone of the opposite sex but it can get difficult and strange quickly.

I've had much the same experience.

Every person is an individual and maybe some of these male friends of yours do harbor romantic feelings, but I tend to agree with you that if they wanted it to be more they would likely have said or done something by now.

I would concur.

Some guys might hold back on pushing romance for fear of rejection, or they are just passive by nature.

Edit: The boyfriend seems insecure. That's not a good sign.

 

[jackmell]

***He states that no man has any interest at all in spending time with a woman, or talking to them unless he is in pursuit of sleeping with her.

Pretty much unless he's not attracted to her or already got her previously. Most guys, once you get into the "exclusive" thing, would be jealous if you have guy friends. It's worst when you get married. Then the guy-friend becomes a real issue with your husband in general.

I need to know... I am sure that men aren't all so pathetic and shallow to think like that.

Yes, most men are shallow, think just like that, and are often much worst.

I just want to know the truth, I am so disgusted right now; how out of all the guys that actually enjoyed my company and liked me as a person, I quite possibly chose one of the most despicable, disrespectful men on the Earth to have fallen in love with. :(

Most men, many at least, personally, I'd say the vast majority, are sex-oriented in the way your boyfriend is telling you.

 

[cronxeh]

This is the problem when you grow up being a tomboy. You don't understand why he is jealous and you saying you don't want him to 'control' you is not woman talk, its something a MAN would say. You need to understand that men dominate and through dominance establish their calm in a relationship. If he feels like you are not submitting then you are not into him!

I've had female friends who I was interested in as more than just friends, and yes it was painful when they rejected me, but I was no longer friends with them. If you are friends with a female, then you are by default not interested in anything other than their opinion. Even hanging out with such female friends is godawful boring, otherwise if I enjoyed their company we would be dating.

So in summary, there is nothing wrong with your boyfriend, you are the one with a problem here, and that is growing up not knowing how to be a woman.

Oh and this is my other pet peeve about women who think that men are only interested in sleeping with them. First of all, there are those who want to boink you and be done with it after a while, and there are those who are really-really-REALLY into you and want to be your lover and bestfriend for the rest of their existence. Don't confuse the two. Your boyfriend might fall under the latter category, but so might some of your 'bestfriends'.

Try it. Make a move on one of your bestfriends and I guaran-freaking-tee you they will have sex with you with a passion. I can't believe women simply don't know this.

 

[TR1KK1]

I know if I put a move on my friends they would go for it. I'm an attractive woman, if it were me, or some chick at a party asking them to "go somewhere" to get it on, of course they'd say yes. I'm not an idiot.

 

[cronxeh]

I know if I put a move on my friends they would go for it. I'm an attractive woman, if it were me, or some chick at a party asking them to "go somewhere" to get it on, of course they'd say yes. I'm not an idiot.

A friend, and you should really read this as 'buddy', would not have sex with you. He would laugh you in the face and never call you again. All the rest will say 'hell yea' - those are the ones who are more-than-just friends. Therefore, your boyfriend has grounds for being jealous, and you are too young to call yourself a 'woman' just yet

Girls learn, women know.

 

[Astronuc]

I know if I put a move on my friends they would go for it. I'm an attractive woman, if it were me, or some chick at a party asking them to "go somewhere" to get it on, of course they'd say yes. I'm not an idiot.

In my case, I'd decline - as I did with female friends in the past.

 

[Pengwuino]

I need to know... I am sure that men aren't all so pathetic and shallow to think like that.
I just want to know the truth, I am so disgusted right now; how out of all the guys that actually enjoyed my company and liked me as a person, I quite possibly chose one of the most despicable, disrespectful men on the Earth to have fallen in love with. :(

You're in love with a despicable, disrespectful person? Contrary to what most people will tell you, you don't have to turn your brain off when your emotions start coming into play. I've never seen a girl who, in my opinion, didn't have serious issues in their relationships/lives that thought "it's love, you can't think about it!"

As far as whether or not guys are all pigs, no they are not, don't listen to anyone who thinks they all are (they're either naively cynical or can't think critically because something happened to them in the past). When you're young, it's going to look like that because guys the maturity level is still low. There are good guys out there but don't let that fool you, there are guys out there who will seriously be friends with you for years upon years just to have a chance with you in bed as long as being your friend doesn't take up much of their time. In your case, you might actually be in a good spot; I think a lot of guys truly enjoy the company of a girl minus the "girly issues". I have girl friends who would be utterly the most awesome people to be best friends with if it weren't for the "oh my gawd oh my gawd oh my gawd that cute guy looked at me for over 2 seconds now I am going to talk about it for the next 3 hours" nonsense. Anyhow, back to the point... I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but to be honest, if your boyfriend gets jealous, just remember... it's only going to get worse and no one wants to be very good friends with a girl with "that kind of boyfriend".

 

[fictionftw]

He sounds like he's jealous of your friends because he's insecure about himself.

I wouldn't be too quick to classify him as a jerk, because maybe he just needs reminding that you're with HIM, that you like HIM, that you're not with any of your friends, you chose to be with HIM. :]

If a guy I was dating had a ton of girl friends, I'd probably feel threatened/insecure myself. If they've been friends for years and years, and have all these inside jokes, and she's cute and funny - how on EARTH can I compete with that!?

Plus, guys honestly ARE that one-track minded. I live in a frat house right now (it sort of just happened...very temporary situation...) and so I can hear every conversation that these guys have. Before if I thought there was some mystery, there's definitely none now. I can assure you, guys really ARE that shallow. There's not really any hidden depth.

The guys I live with just try and get what they can, when they can. It's not too surprising that your BF revealed that he had ulterior motives when he got to know you. I don't think he's despicable, I think he's more honest about it than a lot of guys are.

Anyway, just try and bring him into a group setting more often. Then if he hangs out more with your group of friends he can see your dynamic and feel more comfortable once he sees for himself that there's nothing going on between you and your guy friends.

 

[turbo]

I had a slightly older second cousin who was a big-time tom-boy. We had a ton of fun together when they visited, though in retrospect I was a bit immature and too immersed in French-Catholic culture to recognize the possibilities. She was baby-faced and lanky and when we wrestled, she pinned me like a spider.

 

[Pengwuino]

A friend, and you should really read this as 'buddy', would not have sex with you. He would laugh you in the face and never call you again. All the rest will say 'hell yea' - those are the ones who are more-than-just friends. Therefore, your boyfriend has grounds for being jealous, and you are too young to call yourself a 'woman' just yet

Girls learn, women know.

Oh this is outright BS. Simple as that.

 

[Pengwuino]

Plus, guys honestly ARE that one-track minded. I live in a frat house right now (it sort of just happened...very temporary situation...) and so I can hear every conversation that these guys have. Before if I thought there was some mystery, there's definitely none now. I can assure you, guys really ARE that shallow. There's not really any hidden depth.

You're comparing FRAT GUYS to actual human beings. This argument has no weight.

 

[cronxeh]

Oh this is outright BS. Simple as that.

Well what are you upset about? She asked the advice of 'men' not swimming birds

 

[Pengwuino]

Well what are you upset about? She asked the advice of 'men' not swimming birds

You humans...sigh.

 

[BobG]

This is the problem when you grow up being a tomboy. You don't understand why he is jealous and you saying you don't want him to 'control' you is not woman talk, its something a MAN would say. You need to understand that men dominate and through dominance establish their calm in a relationship. If he feels like you are not submitting then you are not into him!

I've had female friends who I was interested in as more than just friends, and yes it was painful when they rejected me, but I was no longer friends with them. If you are friends with a female, then you are by default not interested in anything other than their opinion. Even hanging out with such female friends is godawful boring, otherwise if I enjoyed their company we would be dating.

So in summary, there is nothing wrong with your boyfriend, you are the one with a problem here, and that is growing up not knowing how to be a woman.

Oh and this is my other pet peeve about women who think that men are only interested in sleeping with them. First of all, there are those who want to boink you and be done with it after a while, and there are those who are really-really-REALLY into you and want to be your lover and bestfriend for the rest of their existence. Don't confuse the two. Your boyfriend might fall under the latter category, but so might some of your 'bestfriends'.

Try it. Make a move on one of your bestfriends and I guaran-freaking-tee you they will have sex with you with a passion. I can't believe women simply don't know this.

Just out of curiosity, do you have any sisters?

 

[anubis01]

I’m not claiming to be an expert on this, there is some good advice in this thread but horrendously bad advice as well. Personally, sometimes I see a lady friend and I think “wouldn’t she be nice to go out with” and maybe I’ll ask her out, but if she doesn’t indicate interest I drop the issue, and in plenty of cases we still got along quite finely as friends.

Everyone is different, some men really do only care about getting into your pants, but those kinds of guys aren’t the people you’ve been friends with for 3-10 years. You shouldn’t let your boyfriend’s insecurity cause you to doubt the authenticity of the friendships you’ve made or men in general.

With that said, none of us are in the position to judge your boyfriend because we don’t know him like you do. Perhaps he was very frustrated that day, or maybe he has been feeling jealous/neglected and it finally came out in a particularly nasty way.

I’d recommend trying to tell him that it doesn’t matter if another guy wants to be with you, that you’ve chosen him to be your boyfriend and that won’t change. You should though also convey that your male friends are an important part of your life, and if your boyfriend can’t accept that, then you might have to reconsider the relationship.

 

[GeorginaS]

This is the problem when you grow up being a tomboy. You don't understand why he is jealous and you saying you don't want him to 'control' you is not woman talk, its something a MAN would say. You need to understand that men dominate and through dominance establish their calm in a relationship. If he feels like you are not submitting then you are not into him!

I've had female friends who I was interested in as more than just friends, and yes it was painful when they rejected me, but I was no longer friends with them. If you are friends with a female, then you are by default not interested in anything other than their opinion. Even hanging out with such female friends is godawful boring, otherwise if I enjoyed their company we would be dating.

So in summary, there is nothing wrong with your boyfriend, you are the one with a problem here, and that is growing up not knowing how to be a woman.

Oh and this is my other pet peeve about women who think that men are only interested in sleeping with them. First of all, there are those who want to boink you and be done with it after a while, and there are those who are really-really-REALLY into you and want to be your lover and bestfriend for the rest of their existence. Don't confuse the two. Your boyfriend might fall under the latter category, but so might some of your 'bestfriends'.

Try it. Make a move on one of your bestfriends and I guaran-freaking-tee you they will have sex with you with a passion. I can't believe women simply don't know this.

Should I give you the benefit of the doubt and think that this is satire? Or an attempt at it?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I know if I put a move on my friends they would go for it. I'm an attractive woman, if it were me, or some chick at a party asking them to "go somewhere" to get it on, of course they'd say yes. I'm not an idiot.

I had a long drawn out discussion about this in another thread. I'm glad to not get into it again here. I think that Fictionftw had it pretty well down (though I agree with the penguin regarding the frat comparison). I do not think that it is so much the idea that you may have sex with these other guys that bothers him, though quite likely he translates intimacy to sex in his mind if he is a typical male. I think it is that he sees the closeness of your relationship with your male friends and feels as though his relationship with you is sort of second rate, that he will never be as close and intimate with you, emotionally, as these guys. If they were female it would not be as big a deal because he would still be "the man in your life" but since they are male it looks to him more like competition.

It is possible that if he were to get to know them and become friends with them that he may become more comfortable with himself. I remember an ex of mine told me that she was moving in with an old guy friend of hers and I immediately felt the jealousy come on, though I never said anything. When I met him the feeling disappeared, though perhaps primarily because I realized she would not be interested in him at all. She had several male friends at least a couple of which I knew were interested in her romantically and a couple which she had even dated and slept with. Meeting them and knowing them made me much more comfortable about them.

Note: One of those friends of my ex had known her for at least a decade and only told her that he was interested in her about the time she started dating me. That sort of thing does happen. I've done it myself even. I never told my big crush in high school that I was interested in her, I am sure she could tell anyway. We were close friends and I could not stand the idea that I might hurt our friendship.

 

[arildno]

I know if I put a move on my friends they would go for it. I'm an attractive woman, if it were me, or some chick at a party asking them to "go somewhere" to get it on, of course they'd say yes. I'm not an idiot.

It is quite another thing that if a man is ASKED to have sex he'll say "wow, yeah" and that he has actively been thinking along those lines all the time...

 

[fictionftw]

Okay, I feel the need to explain my Frat comparison a little further. Granted, rereading over my post, I sound super jaded and cynical, but that's not really how I meant it. Frat guys are a very extreme example of a type of boy (the 'Bro', a truly tiresome creature), but that's my point I guess.

When I think of Frat boys, I think of Lord of the Flies, and how when left in a little paradise island without rules, the young boys descend into chaos and submit to their basest, most primitive desires. I feel like how most Frat guys act, is how many guys, if unfettered by responsibility or consciences, would prefer to behave.

And while I know that (thankfully!) most guys don't behave like Frat guys, I feel that that instinct is still there. So even though her BF initially pursued her because he was following his OMGBOOBS instinct, he rose above and wanted a relationship. But she seems upset because her BF is a jerk for having that hookup desire, but I feel like you'd be able to find that degree of shallowness in most guys. It's just that most guys have the decency/tact/evolution to realize they desire other things as well, while Frat boys have no shame, and are very open about their shamelessness.

But I do live in a little isolated world of College and the Hook Up Culture, so yeah, this is pretty much all I'm exposed to.

 

[cronxeh]

Shame?! Satire?! Ahahaha. Surely you must be joking. There is no shame, its an all out war. Its all is fair in love and war. Men! Stop being little wimps and have some confidence, assertiveness, and genuine lack of shame. Stop being pushed around by feminists and weaker men

 

[TubbaBlubba]

Shame?! Satire?! Ahahaha. Surely you must be joking. There is no shame, its an all out war. Its all is fair in love and war. Men! Stop being little wimps and have some confidence, assertiveness, and genuine lack of shame. Stop being pushed around by feminists and weaker men

Trust me, my friend, while you are on the right path, certainly, you will remain a mere pawn without genuine respect. Indeed, at this pace you will never become a true man of iron!

 

[DaveC426913]

Oh this is outright BS. Simple as that.

While cronxeh has some wild ideas about gender relationships, I think his cynical side rings true here, though it's tough to admit.

For some people, a real friend is someone you can trust when at your most vulnerable. If that person is resisting the urge to have sex with you, then there's a conflict of interest in their friendship.

 

[DaveC426913]

Since I was a kid most of my friends have been guys. I have 3 brothers and no sisters so I was a tomboy in my younger years, and as I got older simply enjoyed the generally laid back demeanor of guys. Women seem too competitive with each other; quick to talk down about their girl "friends" in order to make themselves seem more appealing.

I am deeply in love with a guy who has constant issues with the fact that I have more guy friends than girl friends. Our latest argument has left me feeling completely disgusted with him. I am young, and still learning about relationships and am trying very hard to reach compromises with him so that he can feel comfortable in the relationship without allowing him to control me.

***He states that no man has any interest at all in spending time with a woman, or talking to them unless he is in pursuit of sleeping with her. He says that any guy friends I have are only hanging around in hopes that some day they will be able to **** me. he said he was the same till he "fell in love with me." I've had these friends from 3 to 10 years. To me that's a long time to put up with a "dumb girl that is uninteresting and only good for ****ing" when there has been no sexual nature in the relationship.

I need to know... I am sure that men aren't all so pathetic and shallow to think like that.
I just want to know the truth, I am so disgusted right now; how out of all the guys that actually enjoyed my company and liked me as a person, I quite possibly chose one of the most despicable, disrespectful men on the Earth to have fallen in love with. :(

TR1KK1, you know who you are. Be true to yourself. You have the right to have friends and you don't need to defend them to anyone.

Your boyfriend has a world-view in which guy-friends are a threat. It is a perfectly valid world-view, as in many cases it is quite true. This does not automatically mean he "has a problem" (though it doesn't rule out that he does).

But it is quite possible that the two of you are incompatible. Tell him in a loving way that this is who you are, and that if he cares for you, he will understand that. If he is unable to accept it, then you way have to part ways despite the fact that you are compatible on many other levels.

On the other hand, if you care about him, you may have to show some commitment to the relationship as well. Are the boundaries with these other guys well-defined? Are they and you living up to the role of "friends and only friends" in spirit? Does your boyfriend have any reason to think the boundaries are hazy? If so, you owe it to him to shore up those boundaries with your friends. (This does not mean you give up your friendships! It means you give them a good hard examining.)

Note that you can only change yourself, you cannot change him. So be sure you are taking responsibility for your (60%) of the relationship.

 

[Kevin9679]

A lot of guys ARE like that. There are some who aren't, but even then, you have the right to be actually be insulted if they hang around you all the time without being turned on, because when a virile guy and a healthy, pretty, fertile woman come close there's this thing called attraction.
But being turned on is NOT the same thing as wanting sex!
You should call your boyfriend out. Does he not trust you enough, so he'd think you'd cheat on him? Maybe it's because if he has female friends, he would give into temptation himself. Tell him that if he isn't going to trust that you can have guy friends without sleeping with them, then he can go screw himself.

 

[DaveC426913]

A lot of guys ARE like that. There are some who aren't, but even then, you have the right to be actually be insulted if they hang around you all the time without being turned on, because when a virile guy and a healthy, pretty, fertile woman come close there's this thing called attraction.

What? You can be insulted that other people aren't enslaved (attracted against their will) to your attractivness? Oookeeey...

But being turned on is NOT the same thing as wanting sex!

Really? What is the distinction? Are there women that you would enjoy a good heavy petting session and stop there?

You should call your boyfriend out. Does he not trust you enough, so he'd think you'd cheat on him?

Even if he's rock solid sure that she won't cheat on him, that doesn't mean that the boys are clear on the boundaries of the friendship. It can be extremely uncomfortable, challenging and emasculating for other boys to hit on his girl while he looks on. They are cuckolding him in spirit, if not in practice.

 

[Antiphon]

He's right about everything he says. My wife agrees with him too. I've been on both ends of this and it went sour every possible way.

The only way you can keep up the friendships is by observing strict rules. You never go anyplace with them unless there's another or more people there who know you.

Lots of other rules apply too mostly based on avoiding the mere possibility of impropriety.

Make some girlfriends or find a man with smaller balls.

 

[turbo]

Since I was a kid most of my friends have been guys. I have 3 brothers and no sisters so I was a tomboy in my younger years, and as I got older simply enjoyed the generally laid back demeanor of guys. Women seem too competitive with each other; quick to talk down about their girl "friends" in order to make themselves seem more appealing.

I am deeply in love with a guy who has constant issues with the fact that I have more guy friends than girl friends. Our latest argument has left me feeling completely disgusted with him. I am young, and still learning about relationships and am trying very hard to reach compromises with him so that he can feel comfortable in the relationship without allowing him to control me.

It sounds like a control issue from here. Not all male friends want to jump your bones, and not all male friends want to have a romantic relationship with you. If you bump into one of these guys during an errand and stop to talk to him or go have a coffee, is your BF going to flip? If so, that's lack of trust, IMO.

When I was running open-mic blues (mostly) jams on Sunday afternoons and evenings at local taverns, a lot of younger single women would show up. They enjoyed the quieter vibe, the music, and the lack of the "meat-market" atmosphere of Saturday nights. I became friends with many of them, including the bar-maids and all their friends. That didn't threaten my wife, who often showed up and hung out with them. That scene definitely swung my male:female friend ratio hard to the female side. It has been years since I gave up that gig, and still my wife comes home from shopping and says "I bumped into XYZ at the store, and she asked how you were and says to say hi to you."

 

[DaveC426913]

He's right about everything he says. My wife agrees with him too. I've been on both ends of this and it went sour every possible way.

The only way you can keep up the friendships is by observing strict rules. You never go anyplace with them unless there's another or more people there who know you.

Lots of other rules apply too mostly based on avoiding the mere possibility of impropriety.

Make some girlfriends or find a man with smaller balls.

And you're comfortable that this applies in all cases then are you? That everyone experiences the same thing.

 

[Dembadon]

...

But being turned on is NOT the same thing as wanting sex!

Really? What is the distinction? Are there women that you would enjoy a good heavy petting session and stop there? ...

ROFL!

... Make some girlfriends or find a man with smaller balls.

I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no idea how the size of a man's testicles is at all relevant to the OP's predicament.