Turning a friend into a girlfriend

[turbo]

I'll have what she's having.

 

[WhoWee]

Never lose a good friend through gamesmanship. If it is meant to be (she becomes a GF) it will happen. Hang out, find more reasons to find time together, etc, but NO pressure. It can take a long time before a friend realizes that you are more than a buddy, and becomes attracted to you romantically.

Women are natural-born matchmakers. If they are not romantically interested in you, but they love you as a friend and respect your personal qualities, they will eventually recommend you to a friend and throw you together. Beware! Some of these hook-ups will be designed to benefit one person more than another, so you should wade in carefully. Still, it's nice to have both males and females as close friends - you'll figure this out eventually.

Listen to turbo. Women are natural matchmakers - tell her the type of girl you're looking for and listen to her responses. It sounds as though she knows you well. She might find you the girl of your dreams, or decide you're a keeper. Either way, you win.

 

[Astronuc]

I'm one of her best friends, she tells me about her boyfriends, her problems, everything, She text-messages me almost everyday. We hang out together at her place, cook together, watch dvds. I make her laugh, comfort her when she is down, whole program. I'm not ugly, either. But still we are just friends. It sucks.

She is very cute, she constantly has men chasing after her. She also has the problem becoming friendly with men since they rather would turn her into their girlfriend than becoming friends.

So just telling her, I think would not do. She sees me 100 percent as her friend.

So what to do? How can I get out of the friendship zone?

Ask her for advice. Tell her that your 'in love' with a girl, but are worried or afraid to tell her for fear she might not feel the same way. Ask her what her reaction might be if she was the women in that situation. One could even ask what she thinks of your chances of having a girl friend. Keeping it in the third person provides less tension.

You might be successful and become bf/gf. After that there's probably better than a 50% probability of breaking up. Hopefully, you'd still be friends, but that depends on the emotions and consequences of the intimate relationship.

I was an acquaintance with my wife for several (~6) months, and then we became friends for about 3 months when we started dating. On our first date we both felt very comfortable with a more intimate relationship. We dated for about 3 months and I asked her to marry me. We were engaged for a year because we lived 90 miles apart. We got married and went to grad school together. We've been together for 28+ years.

I was actually seeing someone when I met my wife, but that other relationship was complicated (the woman was married contemplating a divorce). We had dated while she was separated (husband was in prison). I was in a holding pattern waiting to see what she would do (she had been trying to make her marriage work - which I supported). She had told me to find someone else, but I was busy in my academic career, so I wasn't interested in getting involved with someone else - until I met the woman I married. When I got engaged, the first woman announced she was getting a divorce. That precipitated an interesting situation.

 

[Evo]

Ask her for advice. Tell her that your 'in love' with a girl, but are worried or afraid to tell her for fear she might not feel the same way. Ask her what her reaction might be if she was the women in that situation. One could even ask what she thinks of your chances of having a girl friend. Keeping it in the third person provides less tension.

If I was the girl in this situation and the guy told me that he was in love with sonmeone else, if there was any hope that I might likie him, that would kill any chance he had with me. Not to mention if we were friends, I'd wonder who the heck this girl was that I'd nebver heard of.

You should never lie to anyone, it's likely to back fire.

 

[Astronuc]

If I was the girl in this situation and the guy told me that he was in love with someone else, if there was any hope that I might like him, that would kill any chance he had with me. Not to mention if we were friends, I'd wonder who the heck this girl was that I'd never heard of.

You should never lie to anyone, it's likely to back fire.

I didn't say someone else. I wrote 'a girl'. I was suggesting that the discussion be hypothetical.

And one should never lie - that's poison in a relationship.


On the other hand, the OP could be completely honest and forthright, and disclose that he is 'in love' with the young lady in question and would like an exclusive and intimate relationship. And there is a spectrum of possibilities in between depending on how patient the OP can be. For example, he could ask her out on a date.

The potential for being more than just friends also depends on where she is. If she is just interested in dating whatever guy she happens to fancy at any given time, then there is no way she is going to be a girlfriend (in an exclusive relationship).

 

[Moonbear]

I like Astronuc's approach. The really fun part of it is if she starts gushing about all your good qualities and tries to reassure you by explaining why you're such a good catch, then all you need to do is follow up with, "What if that girl is you?"

By the way, I've dated friends before. With the ones who really were friends before I dated them, they are still friends. There was an awkward period when we didn't talk after breaking up, but that didn't last forever, and we went back to being friends again. With those who were acquaintances, but not really good friends, I don't talk to them anymore. But, we might have drifted apart or had big differences of opinion eventually anyway, even without dating. So, I don't even think it's that big of a risk to date a friend from the perspective of worrying about losing a friend if you break up. It's possible to be friends and realize you're not suited for dating. So, don't let that hold you back either.

 

[Wax]

Yesh! I forgot to mention that age and maturity level plays an extremely large role into what you do. What is the maturity level of the girl? The high school students, college students, and working crowd all have different mentalities. What the older people are telling you on these forums will probably not work if she's young and a play girl.

 

[Evo]

I like Astronuc's approach. The really fun part of it is if she starts gushing about all your good qualities and tries to reassure you by explaining why you're such a good catch, then all you need to do is follow up with, "What if that girl is you?".

That could turn out disastrous if she's not interested.

I've been there. I've had male friends that I wasn't interested in let me know they were interested, and it made me feel so weird that I ended up avoiding them.

The only time it worked out was where we weren't really friends, we were always interested in each other but never got around to saying anything for a long time. But we were never "pals" and we never told each other about relationships, etc...

 

[Sorry!]

That could turn out disastrous if she's not interested.

I've been there. I've had male friends that I wasn't interested in let me know they were interested, and it made me feel so weird that I ended up avoiding them.

The only time it worked out was where we weren't really friends, we were always interested in each other but never got around to saying anything for a long time. But we were never "pals" and we never told each other about relationships, etc...

I think it beats living with the feeling that you really want to be with someone and have to put up with them talking about being with other guys. I know that would be enough to drive me insane.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

There is a 'friend zone' though it is not necessarily permanent. It sounds like you are currently in 'the friend zone'. Making a move while in 'the friend zone' is a bad idea. You need to try to make sure that she sees you as potentially more than a friend before you make your move. I have had female friends that thought of me as only a friend for a long time before deciding that they may have more of an interest in me. So it definitely happens.

Since you are not dating there's not much you can do to make her start looking at you in a romantic way at this point. I think this actually narrows your options to the point of simplicity: wait until the next time you are hanging out late at night, watching a movie, just the two of you, a bit tipsy...and just steal yourself a kiss. Then see what she does. She may very well kiss you back. If she doesn't, then she doesn't have any romantic interest in you, and she'll let you know that..and it shouldn't damage your friendship -- the only way it would damage your friendship is if you start acting awkward and sullen after she turns you down.

I am not sure where the OP lives but here in the US you could potentially wind up in jail this way. Having sex with a woman while she is intoxicated is called 'Date Rape'. Being a guy who has had a crush on the woman for a long time but only been friends and now having your first romantic encounter with her after you have gotten her intoxicated is going to look really bad.


Oh and what ever you do do not listen to Wax's advice... except the bit about not using the 'L' word.

 

[Pyrrhus]

Don't talk to her about you liking her... Act!, make a move, go for the kiss, etc...

By the way, next time stop being so afraid of rejection, it's just part of life. You get rejected or accepted all the time by people (work interview, college applications, ...). This does not mean you don't have what it takes, it just means that at this time you were rejected for a myriad of important or trivial reasons.

 

[binzing]

Who me? I get plenty of women! It's an amateur move when you straight out say, "I love you" when you're not even in a relationship. It can sometimes be viewed as creepy.

I'm sorry but I completely disagree with you on just about all of the points you've made, especially this one. If you truly do love someone then there is no sense in denying it, even if it ends up causing more pain then good.

 

[Martini]

I'm sorry but I completely disagree with you on just about all of the points you've made, especially this one. If you truly do love someone then there is no sense in denying it, even if it ends up causing more pain then good.

That's not true.
I've had this problem, and people have had this problem with me.
Losing a good friend is not always worth it.
If things don't work out, things will never be the same again.

 

[Wax]

I'm sorry but I completely disagree with you on just about all of the points you've made, especially this one. If you truly do love someone then there is no sense in denying it, even if it ends up causing more pain then good.

Saying, "I LOVE YOU" when the other person has no feelings for you is exactly the wrong move and it will ruin the friendship FOREVER and it can be creepy...

Tell me this, how many of the users on these forums tells a potential significant other that they LOVE them before the first kiss?

 

[Moonbear]

That could turn out disastrous if she's not interested.

I've been there. I've had male friends that I wasn't interested in let me know they were interested, and it made me feel so weird that I ended up avoiding them.

I think you would be the only woman I've ever heard of who avoided friends because they were attracted to them. Why the heck were you friends with them in the first place if you didn't like them?

Frankly, I think it's stupid and a waste of time to dance around the issue. If he's attracted to her, he needs to ask and find out. I really just don't understand the idea of avoiding dating friends...so, you should only date strangers and people you wouldn't be friends with? This is probably how people end up in screwed up relationships that lead to divorce if they somehow think that friends aren't the people you should date. Dating within one's circle of friends seems perfectly reasonable to me.

He doesn't have to say he's "in love" with her, just attracted, or interested in dating her. Though, in reality, unlike the guys who blather on about being in love with a girl or woman they have never even managed to talk to, if they are already friends, it is quite possible that he does love her. And, I think it's much easier to be direct about it, and get the matter settled so you know the answer and can either get on to dating instead of dithering about, or put the matter aside as an impossibility and get back to your friendship and move on to looking for other prospective dates.

Really, the direct approach works best. My boyfriend and I were chatting the other night about bad "lines" guys use. He ended up asking me what line he used to get me. I reminded him that after we said goodnight, he came running back (literally running) to catch me, and while entirely out of breath, stated, "I forgot to ask for a kiss!" He didn't go back and spend a week wondering if he should have kissed me or should have asked or should have told me he wanted to date me, blah blah blah, he realized he was attracted and wanted to kiss me, so came back and said so before I got away.

 

[Wax]

I'm assuming your first kiss with him happened either in high school or college right? Asking for a kiss only works on that age group. Anyway, he didn't tell you that he loved you on the first date because that would have been creepy. Asking for a kiss on an official date works well but I'm not so sure about friends just hanging out. You can try it though.


I should write a book about this stuff.

 

[tchitt]

I've had female friends I wasn't attracted to profess their feelings for me and yes, it made me feel completely weird. It makes one wonder what's on the other person's mind from there on. If you're lusting after me today, you'll probably be doing it tomorrow... and certain things will start to make way too much sense.

Wax: Why would you say that asking for a kiss only works in that age group? Somehow asking ceases to be effective at some point?

Moon, people dance around the issue because they fear rejection and embarrassment. We've got a way of making things like this a bigger deal inside our own minds than they might actually be. Though you're correct... tearing off a band-aid quickly is better than slowly pulling at it until it comes off. You only prolong your pain.

Tell me this, how many of the users on these forums tells a potential significant other that they LOVE them before the first kiss?

I've only ever said it to one person (barring family and friends, of course) and it was roughly six months into the relationship... and after several months of obviously (partially) attraction fueled friendship. I think we both knew it was probably heading that way the entire time. I always thought it was too often haphazardly thrown about, personally. Though I've got a pretty strict definition of "I love you." love.

Also, yes... it totally puts me off when people say it too early. You've got to know all of me in order to know whether or not you "I love you." me.

 

[Moonbear]

I'm assuming your first kiss with him happened either in high school or college right? Asking for a kiss only works on that age group. Anyway, he didn't tell you that he loved you on the first date because that would have been creepy. Asking for a kiss on an official date works well but I'm not so sure about friends just hanging out. You can try it though.


I should write a book about this stuff.

You might want to hold the presses, because I was out of college by the time I met him. I assume that you are not past that age yet to understand how mature relationships develop, and that they don't include this nonsense of not telling people what you want or feel.

I don't even know why you're talking about saying "I love you" on a first date. Who the heck is even talking about that here besides you? This thread isn't about two people dating who are strangers to each other, it is about two people who have already established a great friendship and at least one would like to move it a step further. It would not be creepy or unusual for them to already love each other in this circumstance. Indeed, it might be the feelings of love prompting the OP to want to take that next step. It's a whole different situation than a first date with someone you have only recently met.

 

[Mk]

PF's love threads are so good :!)

They're fun to read.

 

[Astronuc]

Frankly, I think it's stupid and a waste of time to dance around the issue. If he's attracted to her, he needs to ask and find out. I really just don't understand the idea of avoiding dating friends...so, you should only date strangers and people you wouldn't be friends with? This is probably how people end up in screwed up relationships that lead to divorce if they somehow think that friends aren't the people you should date. Dating within one's circle of friends seems perfectly reasonable to me.

I too think it's silly and a waste of time to 'play games'. I agree that if the OP is attracted to this woman, then he needs to ask and find out. She may not be interested at the moment (or ever) and so the OP should find that out, and perhaps look for other relationships.

Most of the girls I dated in university were more or less friends, i.e. we had gotten to know each other over some period of time. And the dating didn't immediately imply a closed, exclusive relationship.

My parents (now married almost 53 years) were friends before they became serious. They were engaged for 6-7 years (so they've been together for ~60 yrs) and would have gotten married if the university had had living quarters for married students.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I too think it's silly and a waste of time to 'play games'. I agree that if the OP is attracted to this woman, then he needs to ask and find out. She may not be interested at the moment (or ever) and so the OP should find that out, and perhaps look for other relationships.

Most of the girls I dated in university were more or less friends, i.e. we had gotten to know each other over some period of time. And the dating didn't immediately imply a closed, exclusive relationship.

My parents (now married almost 53 years) were friends before they became serious. They were engaged for 6-7 years (so they've been together for ~60 yrs) and would have gotten married if the university had had living quarters for married students.

Now a days I think 'dating' typically means something else in most places. I've heard of women/girls going out on dates with men because they just like to spend time with them but have never met one of my own generation or younger who did this. It seems dating is typically seen as being reserved for sexual prospects so women tend to be pickier about who they date and only want to go out with men they intend to possibly sleep with. In this case a closed relationship is preferable. The only women I have met (of my age range and younger) that dated men that they did not have any intention of sleeping with were women who were using these guys to get things. The guy would become someone they could call and ask for a ride if they were stranded somewhere, or ask to take them out to a movie or dinner (and drive and pay of course) if they were bored and had no one else to take them, ect.

So I would say that it is likely best to approach a relationship as friends and see what happens. Go out places and do things as friends. Generally if and when a woman is interested in you she will make it fairly clear. Asking for a date though may well be seen to be virtually the same thing as asking a woman to have sex with you and a woman who is unsure of her interest may well be turned away by it.

Until about the age of 20 every single girl I had asked out had turned me down and either stopped being friends with me or distanced themselves from me because they did not feel comfortable around me any longer. It can be a quick and easy way to ruin a friendship. I eventually learned to be careful who I asked out, paying attention to the way that they reacted to me and treated me. Most of all I have learned to (most of the time) be comfortable and be myself instead of nervous and unsure of myself, and this is probably the most important thing. Now most of the women I ask out say yes, though admittedly I don't ask out many women.

 

[Mk]

Now a days I think 'dating' typically means something else in most places. I've heard of women/girls going out on dates with men because they just like to spend time with them but have never met one of my own generation or younger who did this. It seems dating is typically seen as being reserved for sexual prospects so women tend to be pickier about who they date and only want to go out with men they intend to possibly sleep with. In this case a closed relationship is preferable. The only women I have met (of my age range and younger) that dated men that they did not have any intention of sleeping with were women who were using these guys to get things.

I think the two types of "dating" coexist as they always have, but one is significantly more ostentatious.

 

[Astronuc]

I think the two types of "dating" coexist as they always have, but one is significantly more ostentatious.

I agree. Back in university, there were women who dated in the traditional manner like my parents, in which the date was just a means of spending time with someone and getting to know them better. Then there were the girls, who just used the date to get something from the guy, and maybe sleep with them.

I knew one girl, a friend of my wife, who seemed to have a different guy every other week or month. She's been divorced numerous times.

And there was a sister of one of my friends who bluntly told me she slept with guys to get stuff - like a new car - and other expensive gifts. She was a model, and she hads lots of guys who were after her. But she was miserable and disatisfied with the men she dated. I was really perplexed by her behavior. We almost dated.

So I would say that it is likely best to approach a relationship as friends and see what happens. Go out places and do things as friends. Generally if and when a woman is interested in you she will make it fairly clear. Asking for a date though may well be seen to be virtually the same thing as asking a woman to have sex with you and a woman who is unsure of her interest may well be turned away by it.

I somewhat agree with this, although I think asking for a date could be construed as getting romantically involved, and the perhaps the girl in question may or may not be interested.

The other side of this dilemma is that 'one does not know if one does not ask'. I dated a number of women, but casually as friends, which I preferred, although any of those friendships could have turned into a romantic, more intimate relationship. This was the situation with my wife - we were just casual friends who grew closer over the course of 9 months. We became engaged and got married a year later. On the other hand, most of wife's old girlfriends have been through multiple relationships, and divorced at least once.

 

[JamieDarville]

nothing special about this broad, she thinks of you as a friend forget about her and find someone new.

If you try and kiss her or tell her you love her, she will probably think you're a creep and never talk to you again.
All the time you waste talking with her and being her buddy you could be spending with other women.

 

[Wax]

I want to know what happen to the OP so I can write my book.

 

[Pythagorean]

Turning a friend into a girlfriend

Oh good, you picked the perfect forum for this question.

The conversion factor is approximately 1.23 f-to-gf. A simple voltage divider can effectively multiply the g in leaving you with only the 1.23 factor (mostly because a bunch of individual pieces have more energy than their whole, and when you go from f-to-gf you're not just getting a piece anymore.)

 

[Evo]

I think you would be the only woman I've ever heard of who avoided friends because they were attracted to them. Why the heck were you friends with them in the first place if you didn't like them?

Most normal people know the difference between liking someone as a friend and being attracted to them romantically. There *is* a difference.

 

[Pyrrhus]

nothing special about this broad, she thinks of you as a friend forget about her and find someone new.

If you try and kiss her or tell her you love her, she will probably think you're a creep and never talk to you again.
All the time you waste talking with her and being her buddy you could be spending with other women.

This is the reason why is better to end it with making a move instead of simply forgetting about her

 

[binzing]

You might want to hold the presses, because I was out of college by the time I met him. I assume that you are not past that age yet to understand how mature relationships develop, and that they don't include this nonsense of not telling people what you want or feel.

I don't even know why you're talking about saying "I love you" on a first date. Who the heck is even talking about that here besides you? This thread isn't about two people dating who are strangers to each other, it is about two people who have already established a great friendship and at least one would like to move it a step further. It would not be creepy or unusual for them to already love each other in this circumstance. Indeed, it might be the feelings of love prompting the OP to want to take that next step. It's a whole different situation than a first date with someone you have only recently met.

Thank you, that is exactly my point of view.

 

[JasonRox]

Saying, "I LOVE YOU" when the other person has no feelings for you is exactly the wrong move and it will ruin the friendship FOREVER and it can be creepy...

Tell me this, how many of the users on these forums tells a potential significant other that they LOVE them before the first kiss?

Not the best place for this survey. Many people here haven't kissed someone yet or maybe even talk to a girl.

 

[junglebeast]

I am not sure where the OP lives but here in the US you could potentially wind up in jail this way. Having sex with a woman while she is intoxicated is called 'Date Rape'. Being a guy who has had a crush on the woman for a long time but only been friends and now having your first romantic encounter with her after you have gotten her intoxicated is going to look really bad.

Hahahaha...what are you smoking? I never suggested date rape, and if you think that kissing someone while intoxicated is date rape...wow.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Hahahaha...what are you smoking? I never suggested date rape, and if you think that kissing someone while intoxicated is date rape...wow.

You're right. Snogging while intoxicated never goes any further than that.

 

[junglebeast]

You're right. Snogging while intoxicated never goes any further than that.

Oh good point. Actually, men should just avoid being in the presence of women altogether...because that might lead to an uncontrollable urge to rape them!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Oh good point. Actually, men should just avoid being in the presence of women altogether...because that might lead to an uncontrollable urge to rape them!

Too right.

 

[cristo]

I am not sure where the OP lives but here in the US you could potentially wind up in jail this way. Having sex with a woman while she is intoxicated is called 'Date Rape'. Being a guy who has had a crush on the woman for a long time but only been friends and now having your first romantic encounter with her after you have gotten her intoxicated is going to look really bad.

You've taken a comment about a male making a move on a female friend when 'tipsy' (i.e., having had a couple of drinks), and extrapolated this into some sort of date rape scenario? The definition of 'rape' is unconsented sex. Both parties having had a couple of drinks does not remove the ability of either party to consent.