What are the factors to consider when asking someone out via email?

[cronxeh]

I have actually successfully asked ladies out on dates through the internet that I barely knew and had never seen nor spoken to in person. Not to say that one would likely find very good relationships that way but I don't see it as being much worse than asking someone at a bar for their number.

Yeah its going to be -not that fun- when you wakeup one cold Sunday morning with a missing kidney in a blood bath in some hotel, covered with ice cubes and with a note "Thanks for the 5G"

 

[mugsby]

even if she would go on a date with you set up by email what kind of first impression is this leaving.

 

[zoobyshoe]

even if she would go on a date with you set up by email what kind of first impression is this leaving.

It depends on the e-mail, doesn't it? The whole thing is contigent on how it's written, just like asking face-to-face is contingent on how you ask.

 

[loseyourname]

I'd say it's a bit creepy to email her out of the blue with no prior social interaction, though some women are actually endeared by men who kinda go "out of their way."

I'd say your best bet is to find reasons to be where she is. If she studies in the library, or hangs out in a student lounge, find (relatively legitimate) reasons to be there, too -- then strike up a real conversation with her. After you've gotten to know each other a bit, your proposition will be a lot more likely to succeed.

I've honestly never understood this attitude. I'd think it way more creepy for someone to covertly uncover my whereabout habits and then follow me around until she can concoct an excuse to bump into me. What's so bad about an e-mail out of the blue? Provided it wasn't full of insecurity and the person didn't actually sound weird, I'd think she had balls, was pretty straightforward, and I'd appreciate it. I'd still say no, but that's only because I have a girlfriend. Otherwise, if it was someone that I found attractive, I'd say yes. If not, then no.

What's with all of these stupid rules? If a person knows you from somewhere, who the hell cares how he gets in contact with you? If he has no phone number and doesn't see her in person on any regular basis, e-mail is all he has.

I guess I'm going against the grain here, but I say e-mail her. If she thinks you're some internet psycho and vomits because of it, so what? You've lost nothing, and it's her discomfort. Why go through all of the effort to figure out where she's going to be and then pretend you just 'happened' to run into her? Just be sincere and explain that you didn't think you'd be able to contact her any other way. I personally don't understand the weight that people attach to asking women out, as if it's some huge chore that has to be done right. The more you contrive, the more you look like an insecure fool that doesn't have the guts to just say what you want to say. And the sooner someone says no, the faster you can move on to the next target.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I personally don't understand the weight that people attach to asking women out, as if it's some huge chore that has to be done right. The more you contrive, the more you look like an insecure fool that doesn't have the guts to just say what you want to say. And the sooner someone says no, the faster you can move on to the next target.

You're right, of course. All this hesitation and angst comes of getting fixated on women from afar, and getting obsessed such that the thought of getting refused means your life is over.

 

[franznietzsche]

I guess I'm going against the grain here, but I say e-mail her. If she thinks you're some internet psycho and vomits because of it, so what? You've lost nothing, and it's her discomfort. Why go through all of the effort to figure out where she's going to be and then pretend you just 'happened' to run into her? Just be sincere and explain that you didn't think you'd be able to contact her any other way. I personally don't understand the weight that people attach to asking women out, as if it's some huge chore that has to be done right. The more you contrive, the more you look like an insecure fool that doesn't have the guts to just say what you want to say. And the sooner someone says no, the faster you can move on to the next target.

I disagree, i think e-mailing is bad, but not for the reasons you're rejecting. The most important communication, especially between member's of the opposite sex is nonverbal. How you stand, how you breathe, how you move your eyes, whether or not you shift your weight, how you walk, how you look at her, the expression on your face, and the tone of your voice are all more important than what you actually say. If you ask a girl out over the phone, or even worse over the internet you are giving up the chance to use all of that in your favor. So you had better be damned eloquent to make up for it.

Otherwise, I largely agree with you.

 

[loseyourname]

I disagree, i think e-mailing is bad, but not for the reasons you're rejecting. The most important communication, especially between member's of the opposite sex is nonverbal. How you stand, how you breathe, how you move your eyes, whether or not you shift your weight, how you walk, how you look at her, the expression on your face, and the tone of your voice are all more important than what you actually say. If you ask a girl out over the phone, or even worse over the internet you are giving up the chance to use all of that in your favor. So you had better be damned eloquent to make up for it.

Yeah, I agree with that. I just don't think it's worth going through all of the trouble to figure out where she'll be and then contriving a reason to run into her and then contriving a way to ask her out when you do. Just take the probable rejection, then ask someone out that you do see regularly. Hell, if you need some kind of confidence booster or something, ask out some nerds that never get any attention, just to get used to the sound of the word "yes." It'll come in handy for the future.

 

[chroot]

You think people should practice by asking out unattractive people first (and presumably dumping them soon after), and you say my attitude is bad, loseyourname? "Just practice on some nerds."

- Warren

 

[chroot]

For the record, I didn't really say that scoping out her whereabouts and 'arranging' to run into her wasn't creepy. I just said it was more likely to succeed.

- Warren

 

[zoobyshoe]

For the record, I didn't really say that scoping out her whereabouts and 'arranging' to run into her wasn't creepy. I just said it was more likely to succeed.

I knew a guy who did this in college. It worked great for him: she turned out to be interested. I don't know if she ever found out their "chance meeting" was something he'd been planning a while or not, but I suspect she'd have been complimented if she did find out. It's only creepy if they're not interested.

 

[franznietzsche]

I knew a guy who did this in college. It worked great for him: she turned out to be interested. I don't know if she ever found out their "chance meeting" was something he'd been planning a while or not, but I suspect she'd have been complimented if she did find out. It's only creepy if they're not interested.

Non-objective standards are wonderful aren't they?

 

[Lisa!]

You can also have fun by emailing people and ask them out.(you only need a fake email address)

 

[zoobyshoe]

Non-objective standards are wonderful aren't they?

I've heard guys say things to women that should have gotten them slapped. Instead, because that guy had impeccible instincts, they got giggles and smiles. "You can't say things like that to a woman!" actually means "You don't have the timing and savvy to pull it off."

 

[franznietzsche]

You can also have fun by emailing people and ask them out.(you only need a fake email address)

I knew the nice girl thing was a load.

 

[franznietzsche]

I've heard guys say things to women that should have gotten them slapped. Instead, because that guy had impeccible instincts, they got giggles and smiles. "You can't say things like that to a woman!" actually means "You don't have the timing and savvy to pull it off."

Oh I know full well the way things really work. I've been on both sides of that line, too many times in both cases.

 

[Igor_S]

So to sum up all this ideas, original poster has the following options (I marked with + good sides, - bad):


1) pretend you're interested in whatever she is, use that to come into real contact

[+] this option has the best chance of working out positively, the way I see it, BUT...
[-] who to contact? you can contact her advisor but what possibly can you write to him to having him redirect you to exactly her ? if you're interested in a subject advisor or prof is the person you will be talking to.

This options is definately worth exploring a little deeper... there IS a way... maybe contacting her to have her explaing to you something related to the subject. That might be good starting point, try to be as friendly as you can be, then switch talk to another topic, then ask her out.

2) write the email as he originally wanted

[+] if she remembers you who you are there is a chance she might accept. it depends heavily on how you write and what you write.
[-] the girl might be like like someone here, reporting your letter (I mean OMG !... he won't write he will kill her or cut her into pieces , he wants to ask her out, for christ sake ! ). To prevent this you might add something at the end of the letter to ensure her you are not a psycho. Something like "...I apologize for inconvieniece...", but less formal.
[+] dept. head might laugh (like I would) at such report and then explain to the student human dating and reproduction system

3) write from anonymous email address

[+] you can't get reported
[-] she won't know who you are => she might be embarressed to go on a blind date (many are like that)

4) do nothing

[-] there is 100% chance this won't get you a date
[+] besides that, it won't do any harm.

 

[Lisa!]

I knew the nice girl thing was a load.

No, it wasn't! I don't do it anymore and that means I really want to be a nice girl. I'm even going to apologize the guy for that ,although it is my friend who must apologize not me!

P.S. I just pointed that out because I wanted to say it couldn't be a good way for asking out since people might think you're making fun of them.

 

[franznietzsche]

No, it wasn't! I don't do it anymore and that means I really want to be a nice girl. I'm even going to apologize the guy for that ,although it is my friend who must apologize not me!

P.S. I just pointed that out because I wanted to say it couldn't be a good way for asking out since people might think you're making fun of them.

Uh huh, sure.

 

[Cyrus]

Don't worry Lisa, I have arranged a nice husband for you in abevarde.

 

[Lisa!]

Don't worry Lisa, I have arranged a nice husband for you in abevarde.

kal agar tabib boodi, sare kod dava nemoodi!

 

[zoobyshoe]

kal agar tabib boodi, sare kod dava nemoodi!

How do you say "zoobie" in Farsi? Looks like you got close there a couple times.

 

[Lisa!]

How do you say "zoobie" in Farsi? Looks like you got close there a couple times.

I guess you better ask cyrus! He sure can come up with better answer.

 

[Bladibla]

Well, if you think the very fact of him wanting to have a date is not normal, then you are a very idiosynchratic person.


Yes, but that isn't the situation under discussion here.

Yeah. It was an obvious rhetorical question.

It has nothing to do with my post, though. Address your reactions to what other people in this thread have said to them, not me.

An e-mail is as emotional as you make it. There is nothing inherently unemotional about the written word. The fact is, though, I'm not sure "emotional" is a good message to send when asking someone out for the first time.

They are saying that with regard to this specific situation and this specific poster. I agree: he shouldn't send her an e-mail. I don't think he should try to ask her out at all: he's too overwhelmed by her.

I am positive that if you, or anyone, gets an e-mail tomorrow from someone who interests you asking for a date you aren't going to turn them down because it was an e-mail.

The OP's problem is not that he was thinking of sending an e-mail, but that his post was full of indications he doesn't think he has a good chance under any circumstances.

Well, if you think the very fact of him wanting to have a date is not normal, then you are a very idiosynchratic person.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT A DATE IS NOT NORMAL. A Date composed with of a few Emails from a person you only know academically is weird.

Yeah. It was an obvious rhetorical question.

Oh really? Then why are you even replying to whatever 'comment' I have said, when it was a 'rhetorical' question as you put it?!

It has nothing to do with my post, though. Address your reactions to what other people in this thread have said to them, not me.

YOU are the person who mentioned about 'some dates being successful with good emails'. And I have shown that some members have shown examples matching to your comments.

I am positive that if you, or anyone, gets an e-mail tomorrow from someone who interests you asking for a date you aren't going to turn them down because it was an e-mail.

Oh really? Then what stops the other person from rejecting?

 

[Cyrus]

Bladibla, you need a woman, ....bad...

 

[zoobyshoe]

I guess you better ask cyrus! He sure can come up with better answer.

I didn't know he spoke Farsi. It's turning out everyone speaks it but me.

 

[franznietzsche]

I didn't know he spoke Farsi. It's turning out everyone speaks it but me.

Yup .

 

[Cyrus]

Neither did I. Sadly, I don't speak farsi. Shame on me.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I had an Iranian girlfriend in summer school once. She tried to teach me some words. There is one sound that they make which is like swallowing. It was beyond me to remotely imitate.

 

[Lisa!]

I didn't know he spoke Farsi. It's turning out everyone speaks it but me.

I don't think so!
Not sure but I guess zoobie must be the same in Farsi. You know sometimes we just use the foreign word and don't bother to find a equivalent for it in Farsi!

Neither did I. Sadly, I don't speak farsi. Shame on me.

I hope you'd understand what I told you in Farsi, huh?

 

[Bladibla]

Bladibla, you need a woman, ....bad...

Short answer: no. Also, congratulations in being one of the few people spelling my name correctly.

 

[honestrosewater]

Well, I'm starting to think that I'm not like most women, but for what it's worth, I did have all of the standard woman parts the last time that I checked, and I was going to say basically what loseyourname and franz said (minus the asking out people who you aren't really interested in, unless you're upfront with them about your real intentions). If you're a freak, you'd probably freak her out eventually no matter how you first contacted her. If you're a decent person, just be one.

 

[BobG]

Hi,

I have been pondering the notion of asking out a former TA of mine. She was in charge of the lab in which I was enrolled last quarter. Though I never really talked to her, I did catch her gaze a few times. I didn't think asking someone out while in the subordinate position of TA and student, was a very good idea, and it may even have violated a university policy. Since I don't have her number or anything, I would have to contact her through her official email address. I am leaning against this for a few reasons: she might be weirded out; might be not happy that I am contacting her this way; the fact she doesn't really know me; maybe she thinks I'm desperate. Further I think she is stunningly beautiful and possibly she has had to deal with this before.

I also figure I won’t be going out with her if don’t email her for certain and if she says no nothing really changes, I am still not going out with her. I only have the potential to gain from this should she say yes. At any rate perhaps I am just thinking too much about this and should just do it.

There's some advantages and disadvantages to this. For one, you can ask several (in fact, a lot - the more the better!) out with one E-mail. The percentages have to yield at least a few successes. On the other hand, a high percentage of those observant enough to notice how many names are in the "To" section would definitely be "weirded out" and may even be offended.

The downside is that there's probably a negative correlation between the likelihood of accepting and the mental health of the respondee.

 

[Cyrus]

I hope you'd understand what I told you in Farsi, huh?

Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can arrange some Farsi lessons over kabob and zam zam.

 

[nsimmons]

This is 2006, email and txt msg's hold as much weight as a phone call to the a lot of young people.

Just email her and get it over with, otherwise you'll be kicking yourself in the ass wondering what if. I had a 3 year relationship from an email. Keep it short and casual and upbeat and treat it as its no big deal, because to a woman getting asked out is no big deal it happens a lot.

"Hi, this is...from...Why don't you join me on saturday..for... " Its that simple. Your intentions are obvious. Shes either interested or not.

Dont treat it as an email. Play down the fact its electronic and encourage her to meet you, don't say "I was wondering..." "If your free.." etc..

Women respond better if you sort of indirectly say "Im going out, and your comming along".

Especially if she's good looking, this works well as she's used to a lot of attention from people begging her.

Im seeing a very hot woman now. Casual approach works very well. "Im going to see a movie on sunday, you should come along." And she did.

 

[Gokul43201]

I also figure I won’t be going out with her if don’t email her for certain and if she says no nothing really changes, I am still not going out with her. I only have the potential to gain from this should she say yes. At any rate perhaps I am just thinking too much about this and should just do it.

I agree. Just do it.