What's it like to be single all your life?

[pivoxa15]

Any thoughts? It would be good to hear from someone who have experience in this subject. Or someone who has done some reading on this subject.

I guess if you are not sociable in the first place then it wouldn't matter too much although it would still get to you wouldn't it? Would you become depressed easily and often? Although after say you reach 40 or more than it might not get to you as much?

 

[chroot]

I don't think people necessarily need a single person to call a "significant other" to be happy, but I do think healthy people need social interaction with friends and colleagues and so on to be happy.

If you actually find yourself desiring always being alone, you might want to seek psychological help.

- Warren

 

[light_bulb]

i don't agree, being single all your life you might as well die.

 

[Ki Man]

i don't agree, being single all your life you might as well die.

maybe a tad extreme there

 

[light_bulb]

well i want all those things that go with NOT being single.

 

[ShawnD]

Any thoughts? It would be good to hear from someone who have experience in this subject. Or someone who has done some reading on this subject.

I guess if you are not sociable in the first place then it wouldn't matter too much although it would still get to you wouldn't it? Would you become depressed easily and often? Although after say you reach 40 or more than it might not get to you as much?

You can't exactly relate somebody else's answer to your own emotions. For example, I was perfectly happy being single until I was about 19 or so, then I started hunting for a girlfriend (I'm 21 now). One of my friends is 23 and he's happy being single. Another friend is 18 and he's insanely lonely without a girlfriend.
Conclusions? Hmmm... I guess do what you feel is a good motto. If you're happy being alone, that's great. If you find somebody you really like, that's great too. Don't just do something because you think you should or because others expect you to.

I can't answer your question since I'm not old enough to know what it's like to be single all my life, but I'm old enough to know I'll never want to experience that. I should also add that I'm not a very outgoing person, and I generally don't mind being alone, but there's always that breaking point between being alone and being too alone. Even that outcast kid your remember from school had at least 1 friend he kept very close to him, correct?

 

[Danger]

I met W when I was 49; no domestic relationships before that. There was always something missing, but I'm glad that I didn't try to force myself into something that wasn't right just to have a 'home life'. My 'social life' wasn't really conducive to something like that anyway. I was a night person, out playing pool or darts until the wee hours. Now I'm not (well, once a week or so), but I don't miss it.
The only regret is in not having a kid. I could still do so, but W is 55 and already has 4 grown offspring. There's still the possibility of adoption in the future, but it's not a sure thing.

 

[marlon]

I was a night person, out playing pool or darts until the wee hours. Now I'm not (well, once a week or so), but I don't miss it.

Somehow i have always taken you for a guy that does that...I dunno...Just my intuition, i guess...



marlon

 

[Huckleberry]

I'm 32 and haven't had any long term relationships. I have never lived in one place for more than a few years at a time. I've been perfectly happy with that until about 2 or 3 years ago. Now I think is the right time for me to become involved in a commited relationship. I'm just not very outgoing and have yet to meet the right woman. I'm not in any hurry.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I don't know if statistics will bear me up, but my gut feeling is that married people fare better in most areas of social well being. They live longer, have less illness, commit less crime, and are better off financially. I'm just guessing though, and even if it's true, it may be difficult to determine which is cause and which is effect. Keep in mind that half of all marriages in the US end in divorce (and the other half end in death!).

 

[JasonRox]

What do you mean by single?

Everyone here is answering the question as if it means intent to get married or intent to be commited and so on.

Personally, I think a single life is awesome and so is the relationship life. It all depends on your approach. If you plan on not having any significant others at all, I would say you need to seek help. I don't see that as being normal at all.

Note: Significant others as in people or person you can get really close. I would say that sex is probably involved. If you have no sexual desires at all, that's a pity.

 

[Monique]

I absolutely love being alone, but at the same time I couldn't live without a companion.

 

[JasonRox]

I absolutely love being alone, but at the same time I couldn't live without a companion.

Same here. I enjoy being alone, but I couldn't live not sharing my life with someone.

 

[Moonbear]

I'm single and happy being so. What annoys me is the assumption by people who aren't single that the only way to be happy is attached to someone else by the hip who then pester me about why I'm still single, etc. Heck, I see my married friends tied down with kids, and needing to factor their spouse into all their decisions, and I think being single is far better. If I want to do something, I do it, I don't have to ask someone else, or check their schedule, or look for babysitters, I just go out and do it.

And, no, being single is not the same as being alone or lonely. Yeesh! I have plenty of friends and do things with them. I have recently acquired a boyfriend, but since he lives in another state, it really hasn't changed much in my lifestyle (other than spending more time talking on the phone instead of posting on PF some nights).

 

[JasonRox]

I'm single and happy being so. What annoys me is the assumption by people who aren't single that the only way to be happy is attached to someone else by the hip who then pester me about why I'm still single, etc. Heck, I see my married friends tied down with kids, and needing to factor their spouse into all their decisions, and I think being single is far better. If I want to do something, I do it, I don't have to ask someone else, or check their schedule, or look for babysitters, I just go out and do it.

And, no, being single is not the same as being alone or lonely. Yeesh! I have plenty of friends and do things with them. I have recently acquired a boyfriend, but since he lives in another state, it really hasn't changed much in my lifestyle (other than spending more time talking on the phone instead of posting on PF some nights).

Exactly. You can have a great time being single.

 

[Huckleberry]

Hmm, maybe I'm not normal. I've lived in 7 different states. I spent a few years time cumulative in Europe and Mexico. I also spent a few year on the road and drove through over 46 states. I've made lots of friends, but keeping touch with them can be difficult sometimes. I've lost a few friends that way too. I rarely get to see them. Most people I have met I have never seen again. No wonder I"m tired now and have no idea how to make a real relationship.

 

[JasonRox]

Hmm, maybe I'm not normal. I've lived in 7 different states. I spent a few years time cumulative in Europe and Mexico. I also spent a few year on the road and drove through over 46 states. I've made lots of friends, but keeping touch with them can be difficult sometimes. I've lost a few friends that way too. I rarely get to see them. Most people I have met I have never seen again. No wonder I"m tired now and have no idea how to make a real relationship.

Not normal?

You said you're making friends all over the place. That's awesome. That's not being alone at all.

Travelling and experiencing different areas sounds awesome.

 

[Huckleberry]

Yeah, but friendships require occassional maintenace. I'm very bad at that. I They are friends I never get a chance to see and aren't a whole lot of comfort in daily life. I feel guilty about that sometimes. I think it's also why I've become lonely these last few years.

 

[JasonRox]

Yeah, but friendships require occassional maintenace. I'm very bad at that. I They are friends I never get a chance to see and aren't a whole lot of comfort in daily life. I feel guilty about that sometimes. I think it's also why I've become lonely these last few years.

I know what you mean. I have the same problem. I don't see it as a problem though and don't feel guilty about it. People seem to think you should feel guilty because you don't keep up with friends. But the thing is, I don't live life like that. I live it.

I have a friend who's about the same way too. One time we didn't see each other for two months, and when we saw each other, it was just like it always was. Neither feel guilty for not keeping in contact.

Note: We live in the same town, so two months is awhile. Also, I never keep up with old high school friends. Not even on facebook or anything like that. Not even on MSN.

 

[Quaoar]

If you actually find yourself desiring always being alone, you might want to seek psychological help.

I disagree, you should only seek professional help if you always desire being alone and suffer from depression. I think it's perfectly normal for people to live solitary lives if it makes them happy.

 

[pivoxa15]

What do you mean by single?

Everyone here is answering the question as if it means intent to get married or intent to be commited and so on.

Personally, I think a single life is awesome and so is the relationship life. It all depends on your approach. If you plan on not having any significant others at all, I would say you need to seek help. I don't see that as being normal at all.

Note: Significant others as in people or person you can get really close. I would say that sex is probably involved. If you have no sexual desires at all, that's a pity.

Single being no companion whatsoever. Companion being a committed partner.

Does everyone who are not normal need help?

 

[pivoxa15]

You can't exactly relate somebody else's answer to your own emotions. For example, I was perfectly happy being single until I was about 19 or so, then I started hunting for a girlfriend (I'm 21 now). One of my friends is 23 and he's happy being single. Another friend is 18 and he's insanely lonely without a girlfriend.
C

But do you think that 23 year old friend of yours would be happier had he found someone?

 

[ShawnD]

But do you think that 23 year old friend of yours would be happier had he found someone?

I think he would be happier, but it won't happen unless it's by accident, and the girl is a very persistent one. He willingly isolates himself and breaks off communication with others. If I'm going to a friend's house, any friend at all, he won't come with me. He no longer communicates over MSN or AIM. He keeps his phone off unless he intends to make a phone call.

I tend to think he's happy with his current situation since he has not started to seek out any form of change, which he usually does. He didn't like the available game servers for Team Fortress, so he made his own. He didn't like paying for the dying World of Warcraft, so he made his own private realm. When his vehicles need maintenance, he fixes them. He's not the kind of guy to just let problems stay as problems, so I don't think he sees being single as a problem, and thus he doesn't feel that he's missing out on something.

 

[JasonRox]

Does everyone who are not normal need help?

When I say not normal, I mean psychology unstable. Hence, you need help.

First you might want to read into anti-social traits. If you have any, then you most likely need help.

 

[Type 7]

I'm 32 and haven't had any long term relationships. I have never lived in one place for more than a few years at a time. I've been perfectly happy with that until about 2 or 3 years ago. Now I think is the right time for me to become involved in a commited relationship. I'm just not very outgoing and have yet to meet the right woman. I'm not in any hurry.

A voice from the past - my past.

That was eleven years ago for me. At the time I was the only one among my friends and co-workers who had never been married. I can still vividly recall the day I made some comments similar to those quoted above. It was at work, and there were men and women present at the time. The women didn't say much in reply. The men said nothing at all - until the women left the room. Then they pounced on me like religious zealots. Like lost souls in hell, they argued, conjoled, and pleaded with me to never get married. I have to say, it was very unnerving. It really kind of freaked me out.

In the years since then, an appreciation for my independence has grown. At a later job, there developed a sort of Monday morning ritual involving the married men and myself. They would gather around me and ask what I had done over the weekend. I would tell them the mundane truth: I stayed in bed 'till I felt like getting up. It was close to lunchtime so I went out to eat. On the way I felt like going for a long drive instead, so I drove a hundred miles to a nice restaurant I knew of. After lunch I passed by a state forest and felt like hiking, so I did. Then I drove home and took a nap. Fairly boring really, but the married men were green with envy.

You know what they say about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence (it's been peed on). But from a single man's perspective, I think there are advantages to being married. Just a few examples: I have literally not had a home cooked meal in years. When my truck breaks down I have no one to call, so I walk. I wanted to try sedation dentistry for a root canal, but had no one to drive me home, so I did without the sedation. When a loved one passes away, I grieve alone in an empty apartment (and that, my friends, is loneliness).


Hey Huck, if the ladies will leave us for a moment, I'll tell you something else, man to man. In the area of physical romance, the thirties are the best time in a man's life. You are more mature, worldly and experienced, yes, but also consider the numbers. Women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s are attracted to a man in his thirties, albeit for different reasons. And think about all those women married in their 20s who are now getting divorced. I am very average looking and had average success with women in my 20s, but I kid you not that from age 32-38, women treated me like Elvis. One word of warning: The married women are the most aggressive, but beware! There are too many single ones to make a mistake like that.

I disagree, you should only seek professional help if you always desire being alone and suffer from depression. I think it's perfectly normal for people to live solitary lives if it makes them happy.

Thank you, Quaoar, for pointing this out. Where would science and the arts be without the solitary thinkers?

"It's lovely to live on a raft. We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened."
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

 

[Moonbear]

But from a single man's perspective, I think there are advantages to being married. Just a few examples: I have literally not had a home cooked meal in years. When my truck breaks down I have no one to call, so I walk. I wanted to try sedation dentistry for a root canal, but had no one to drive me home, so I did without the sedation. When a loved one passes away, I grieve alone in an empty apartment (and that, my friends, is loneliness).

I have friends for some of those things, or coworkers (i.e., if I need to drop my car off for work and can't get a ride from someone at the shop, which I've also done, I use a shop near work, drop the car off first thing in the morning and ask someone I work with to pick me up on their way into work and drop me off to get the car on the way home from work...or I find another way home if the car isn't ready yet...either another coworker who lives in my direction, or a friend, or a bus when I lived in cities or call a taxi). Or I rely on myself. Can't you cook for yourself? Then you'd have a homecooked meal. As for grieving alone, that's how I prefer it. I don't like having someone else around at those times, so that's not a problem.

My married friends often envy that I can just spend a quiet weekend relaxing. With not one, but two families (the in-laws), they never seem to have a weekend free of obligations of some sort or another. I'm not saying that's bad either...a lot of people don't like living alone and of course if you meet someone you love enough to want to marry, I'd hope you're happier with them than without them, but it's not a requirement for happiness by any means, and some of us just appreciate not having that hassle.

I'm surrounded by people all day at work...students, co-workers, administrators, meetings, phone calls, etc. It's WONDERFUL to come home at night and just be left alone.

It's all about your own personality though. Some people hate, and I mean truly HATE, being alone. They just can't function without another person to lean on at all times. And, there are people who just want companionship, or someone to help them around the house, or who really want children early in life, or just meet someone who they love and can't imagine not having around once they've met them. Those are all fine, and that's their personality. It's not my personality. I'm happy with my life and with what I have. I like being independent and not having to consult with anyone when I do things (which had zenmaster worried a bit when I didn't think to call him for an entire weekend because I got immersed doing other things). Is it nice having someone who I can call and talk about anything with, etc.? Yes, of course that's nice, but it's not something I require for my happiness, it's just a different way to be happy. My happiness comes from within, not from someone else.

 

[pivoxa15]

I think he would be happier, but it won't happen unless it's by accident, and the girl is a very persistent one. He willingly isolates himself and breaks off communication with others. If I'm going to a friend's house, any friend at all, he won't come with me. He no longer communicates over MSN or AIM. He keeps his phone off unless he intends to make a phone call.

I tend to think he's happy with his current situation since he has not started to seek out any form of change, which he usually does. He didn't like the available game servers for Team Fortress, so he made his own. He didn't like paying for the dying World of Warcraft, so he made his own private realm. When his vehicles need maintenance, he fixes them. He's not the kind of guy to just let problems stay as problems, so I don't think he sees being single as a problem, and thus he doesn't feel that he's missing out on something.

geez that friend of yours sounds very much like me.

 

[Type 7]

Yeah, I can cook; I'm just not good at it. I think that home-cooked carries with it all the positive connotations of home. A meal prepared with love. That sort of thing. That's really what I meant.

Moonbear, I celebrate your independence and I totally relate, but may I ask you something? Were you always so comfortable alone or did you grow into it? As for myself, I think I grew into it.

 

[pivoxa15]

It seems that there are two sides of a coin and people always tend to want something they don't or can't have. But when they have it, it may not be as good as they thought it was or that their desire for it had been lost.

However, wouldn't you say that the probability of finding the 'right person' decreases (exponentially) with age? Mainly because you might find one that you like but they are in another relationship with someone else. Or they may have has serious relationships with someone else in the past which is highly undesirable.

 

[Type 7]

It seems that there are two sides of a coin and people always tend to want something they don't or can't have. But when they have it, it may not be as good as they thought it was or that their desire for it had been lost.

However, wouldn't you say that the probability of finding the 'right person' decreases (exponentially) with age? Mainly because you might find one that you like but they are in another relationship with someone else. Or they may have has serious relationships with someone else in the past which is highly undesirable.

By past relationships do you mean emotional baggage? If so then yes I do think it can hamper the ability to love freely and fully, which limits the quality of future relationships. On the other hand, a negative past experience can heighten one's appreciation for certain positive qualities in a new person, even to the point of overlooking some qualities that used to turn you off. In that case I think your chance of finding the right person is actually better.

 

[Moonbear]

Moonbear, I celebrate your independence and I totally relate, but may I ask you something? Were you always so comfortable alone or did you grow into it? As for myself, I think I grew into it.

I've always been comfortable being alone. In fact, I craved getting out and being on my own when I was younger (somewhat like JasonRox who's currently chomping at the bit to get out of his parents' house). I've already lived in 4 states to keep advancing my career, and couldn't have done that if I had to keep in mind someone else who also needed to sustain a career. I've never even liked having roommates, and was so happy when I could finally afford to live on my own. I have friends and relatives who couldn't believe I just picked up and moved to a new state completely by myself when I did the first move...to me, it was an adventure, to them it was terrifying to leave the comforts of the community they had lived in all their lives.

I have grown tired of moving from place to place and starting over again just as I start to figure out where things are and build friendships, so I am hoping to finally stay put where I am now, but would be completely content to continue living on my own without a partner. I do need some friends, and that's the hard part about starting over in each new place, that time between moving in and making new friends when you realize you're totally on your own. But, fortunately, I've at least always known a few coworkers through prior collaborations and professional contacts before moving to each place so that I did at least have one or two local people to call if I ran into some sort of emergency and didn't know how to find resources to handle it in the new town.

I don't think my married friends would give that up, ever, but they do sometimes express regret that they didn't have the same opportunity to move around and see different places and take some career opportunities that would have required moves their spouses couldn't do with them.

Companionship is a good thing too, but only if it's with the right person. Some people will take the first person who comes along because they just can't handle living alone, but that would have left me feeling stifled. In a way, when someone really compatible comes along, I consider that more of a bonus than a requirement, if that makes sense.

 

[Moonbear]

However, wouldn't you say that the probability of finding the 'right person' decreases (exponentially) with age? Mainly because you might find one that you like but they are in another relationship with someone else. Or they may have has serious relationships with someone else in the past which is highly undesirable.

No, I think it's always about the same. The probability of finding the wrong person seems to decrease though. In other words, you know better who you are and what you want, and what to look for so can quickly weed out and get past the ones who are totally incompatible and not waste time on them. But, some people are just fussier than others too (I'm very fussy...probably because I like being alone, so it's going to take a pretty unique person to convince me I want to be with them more than I want to be alone). Of my friends, the ones who married the youngest are the ones who are divorced now, so all they accomplished was a number of years of making each other miserable. The ones who took a bit longer to find someone seem much happier together and so far have stayed married. My answer to quiet the people who would bug me about when I was going to meet a nice guy and get married has for some time been, "I'm just skipping the first marriage and divorce." That seems to put an end to that discussion quickly enough.

 

[Astronuc]

However, wouldn't you say that the probability of finding the 'right person' decreases (exponentially) with age?

Not necessarily. It might actually increase or be relatively constant.

In other words, you know better who you are and what you want,

I agree. People evolve. Two single people might not find a suitable partner until they meet each other, which could happen at any age.

I have met only two women (other than my wife) in whom I might have been interested in marrying had I met them before my wife.

Some people prefer to be single, including non-cohabiting (cohabitation is technically not single), and perhaps will always remain single for whatever reason. There may be a preference to be alone, some, all or most of the time. One can remain single, but still socialize with friends or companions in a non-exclusive relationship.

Mainly because you might find one that you like but they are in another relationship with someone else. Or they may have has serious relationships with someone else in the past which is highly undesirable.

That's possible. Or one is in a relationship and finds some other person outside of that relationship. Then one choose to break the relationship in favor of another (new/better/. . .) relationship.

Apparently statistically single women live longer than married women, while married men live longer than single men. It would appear that mean are more psychologically dependent upon women than the converse.

Having seen what my single friends and colleagues go through in terms of dating, I have happy to be married, even after 25 years, and especially to the woman I married since she has worked hard by my side all these years. We've had rough times together, but neither of us have quit. I'm looking forward to more years, maybe another 25 years or more.

 

[Huckleberry]

It seems that there are two sides of a coin and people always tend to want something they don't or can't have. But when they have it, it may not be as good as they thought it was or that their desire for it had been lost.

However, wouldn't you say that the probability of finding the 'right person' decreases (exponentially) with age? Mainly because you might find one that you like but they are in another relationship with someone else. Or they may have has serious relationships with someone else in the past which is highly undesirable.

Here is a line from Moonbear that is an example of why I think it is a good idea to wait before becoming commited to a relationship.

to me, it was an adventure, to them it was terrifying to leave the comforts of the community they had lived in all their lives.

I think that many people are afraid of being alone and find someone else, anyone else, to avoid that emotion. Learning to be alone helps you to learn about yourself and what it is that you really need from a relationship. It becomes easier to recognize someone that has the qualities that suit you and easier to overlook the small stuff. I think that one would be willing to work harder to sustain a relationship that is not easily replaced, and will also reap more rewards from their labor.

In my life there have been a few women that I have been very interested in that were already in serious relationships. I could tell you a few stories that would make you cry. Then again, there have been many beautiful young women that were interested in me for some reason, but I just didn't see the right qualities in them. They were fine people, the attraction was there, just not the desire to be in a relationship with them. I could tell you a few stories that would make you laugh. I'm kind of an idiot when it comes to women, even though I know what I want when I see it.

 

[radou]

I have a friend who's about the same way too. One time we didn't see each other for two months, and when we saw each other, it was just like it always was. Neither feel guilty for not keeping in contact.

Exactly the same here.

But not all people will understand that, unfortunately.

As for the single/non-single issue... I'm hoping to find someone and settle down when the time comes, at least that's my foggy vision of the future. One just never knows what awaits. But then again, I think I couldn't live on my own. I can't imagine being without someone you can completely trust and someone who can give you comforting words when you need them. Well, of course, this doesn't have to be your partner, but still..