What's it like to be single all your life?

[Type 7]

In a way, when someone really compatible comes along, I consider that more of a bonus than a requirement, if that makes sense.

Yes that does make sense. Rather than feeling like a missing ingredient has been added to your life, you feel like some sweetness has been stirred into it. Icing on the cake.

Any thoughts? It would be good to hear from someone who have experience in this subject. Or someone who has done some reading on this subject.

I guess if you are not sociable in the first place then it wouldn't matter too much although it would still get to you wouldn't it? Would you become depressed easily and often? Although after say you reach 40 or more than it might not get to you as much?

I have been told by two women and one man that they had the most passionate relationship of their lives after age forty.

Somewhere I read this line: The capacity for romance beats with the heart. I suspect that there are aspects of genuine love and affection that are known only to those older and wiser than me. I look forward to discovering them on my own.

 

[franznietzsche]

I have recently acquired a boyfriend, but since he lives in another state, it really hasn't changed much in my lifestyle (other than spending more time talking on the phone instead of posting on PF some nights).

BLASPHEMY!


More time on the phone than on PF?

Actually yeah. I had a live in girlfriend for most of the past six months. Incidently i also haven't been on PF most of that time.

Personally, being single doesn't bother me, it certainly bothers me less than being attached to the wrong person.

 

[Moonbear]

BLASPHEMY!


More time on the phone than on PF?

Sometimes I'm on the phone AND on PF, and sometimes we're both on PF.

Personally, being single doesn't bother me, it certainly bothers me less than being attached to the wrong person.

And obviously, someone who keeps you away from PF that long must be the wrong person. Which reminds me I need to bug mind to get back on here, especially since he has a lot of time to kill at weird hours of the night now that he's done with an experiment that got him onto vampire hours.

 

[franznietzsche]

Sometimes I'm on the phone AND on PF, and sometimes we're both on PF.

That sounds like some kind of kinky foreplay to me.

And obviously, someone who keeps you away from PF that long must be the wrong person. Which reminds me I need to bug mind to get back on here, especially since he has a lot of time to kill at weird hours of the night now that he's done with an experiment that got him onto vampire hours.

Yes, anything that comes between a person and PF is definitely the work of the devil. Even if it is a very seductive devil :!) .

 

[Moonbear]

Are you still together?

 

[franznietzsche]

Are you still together?

Nah i broke up with her several weeks ago, for a number of reasons. It was semi-amicable. Currently seeing someone who lives much further away unfortunately, all the way down in san diego

 

[Math Is Hard]

Nah i broke up with her several weeks ago, for a number of reasons. It was semi-amicable. Currently seeing someone who lives much further away unfortunately, all the way down in san diego

we can commiserate, franz. I've got a fella down in SD.

 

[Type 7]

Or, maybe you need to live in a duplex and have his and hers sides.

Now that's a cool idea! Or maybe a house across the street.

 

[franznietzsche]

we can commiserate, franz. I've got a fella down in SD.

Thats half the distance for you that is for me though

Actually I've known her for a very long time, we went to high school together and I dated her best friend back then. None of our mutual friends were surprised when they found out that we're dating now

 

[Zenparticle]

here's my two cents

There are people whom choose to be alone (only relationship wise and sometimes all people wise)
There are people who are forced to be alone (like solitude confinement in prison/jail ect)
There are people who get married and have kids and those who don't have kids
There are people who are domestic partners

people who are forced to be alone, now that's a terrible thing. I once went to jail for some retarded graffiti stuff when i was about 19 . My father worked in law enforcement and had the warden of the jail post me up in a section called "protective custody" because he was afraid that someone would recognize my name and I dunno, jump me; or something to that affect. Protective custody is where your on lock down( meaning your alone in your room 24/7 ) I spent 1 week like that and it really messed me up- it took me some time even after i was released before i felt normal. Anyhow point being Single is good its great and it's a heck of a lot better than being isolated!

 

[radou]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

 

[Astronuc]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

The internet has provided opportunities to meet people, and in the case of PF (and other similar forums), people with similar interests/outlooks.

I don't know of any local institution which is quite like an internet forum, with a membership in the 10's of thousands from all over the world, not just one country, or state or town.

On a local basis, people do submit information to personal ads in newspapers, and now on the radio, but that is like casting a fishing line into the water not knowing what will turn up. And then there are match making services, locally, regionally, nationally and internationally. The internet captures them all. The wider the net, the greater the chance to find that one other person who meets a unique set of criteria.

The downside of a relationship 'over the wire' is the distance and the inability to engage in eye to eye contact. Some people however are comfortable with that.

 

[Art]

I was curious to see if there is any data on the number of 'real' relationships which had started on the net, haven't found any figures yet but did come across this interesting article regarding bipolars and the internet. It's unusual in that it's written from the pov that bipolars need protection from others whereas the normal attitude is that others need protection from them.

Bipolars and Internet Romance
From PaulaHOST

Part 1: What Makes Internet Relationships So Desirable?
People are drawn to cyber-romances for the same reasons they are drawn to face-to-face romances - either they don't have a "real-life" love relationship, or there is something missing in their "real-life" love relationship. On the internet, they may indeed find what they are missing. Or, because of the partial anonymity of cyberspace - which allows lots of room for fantasy and imagination - they may only THINK they have found what they are missing.
[snip]
What Makes Bipolar People So Vulnerable?
Hypersexuality - hypersexuality is a real problem for the manic bipolar. Because it feels very good, and very powerful, it can be a driving force that propels all thought, all feeling, and all motive. Hypersexuality often causes us to engage in flirtatious, seductive behavior that we would never otherwise consider. Hypersexuality often causes us to abandon real relationships, and it can lead us into dangerous online (and offline) situations. Worst of all, it often causes irreparable damage to integrity, dignity, and reputation.

Perceptual problems - the bipolar often wrongly interprets subtle nuances in voice and body language even when having a physical conversation. In the surreal, artificial environment of the internet, those nuances are further limited by our inability to express them electronically. It's very easy for you - and the person with whom you are communicating - to misinterpret intentions and motives.

Poor impulse control - the desire to live in the moment (without consideration of future consequences) can be real a problem, especially during periods of mania and depression.

Poor self-esteem - bipolars often have a desperate need for attention, friendship, and validation from other human beings. These feelings make us very, very vulnerable to internet stalking, manipulation, and deceit.

Grandiosity - when afflicted with grandiosity, we think we have absolute clarity and can do no wrong. All of our decisions - even the horrifically bad ones - "feel right," and they all make perfect sense.

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/menu_chat/a/0302_online1.htm

Edit: Still can't find any data other than a very small scale study of 30 people in which 33% had real life meetings with cyber friends but even in that nothing about future romantic interest.

I'm surprised. I'd have thought given the prevalence of the net these days there would have been tons of studies done.

 

[Evo]

I know a number of people that met their current spouse over the internet. One of the former mentors here, Kerrie met her husband on the internet, he ended up moving to where she was. They are very happy.

I'm surprised more and more when I find out people I work with found their spouse online and across country, sometimes in a different country.

I met my former fiance through the internet, we were together 8 years and he lived in Italy. We would take turns flying back and forth. Unfortunately when his father died of cancer he sunk into such a deep depression that he withdrew from life for a couple of years and in that time we drifted apart. He's fine now and I still need to send him his camera.

 

[franznietzsche]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

Sure i can find people near where i live. But i don't like them as much as her . Why settle for someone I'm less interested in, just because they live closer? I'm not THAT addicted to sex.

 

[Moonbear]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

Oh, good heavens, no! There is NOBODY worth dating where I live. There are nice guys here, but either too young, too old, already married, etc. The higher educated you are and the more career-driven, the less people there are who are compatible, either because you have to suppress some part of your intellectual side while with them because they just don't understand anything you're talking about, which is okay if you're just getting together with a group of people to go bowling, but not if you want to have a long-term relationship with them and share more with them, or because they cannot understand why someone comes home from work and still has hours of work to do.

I was chatting with a friend today who is getting really stressed because his wife doesn't understand this and it sounds like it's starting to strain their relationship (he's been complaining about this all week, so I know it's not just one bad day, but something that seems to be getting worse rather than getting resolved). She expects that when he's home, he'll be doing stuff around the house or spending time with her, and doesn't understand that he's still working, contacting clients, sending things back and forth with partners and other associates, etc. He just comes home to do the work that he can take home so he sees his family, not because he's done for the day. I'm wondering if their marriage is going to survive this.

I've seen a lot of marriages break up for the same reason, so anyone who thinks jobs are 8 to 5 things and doesn't understand the long hours of a demanding career is off my list pretty quickly. But, that's an example of what happens when people limit themselves to the people who are local to them and settle for the best they can find there, but not necessarily the best for them overall.

 

[Kurdt]

Lets be single together!

 

[franznietzsche]

Lets be single together!

Pfft, you're on your own.

 

[Moonbear]

Lets be single together!

I like the irony.

 

[Kurdt]

bit of oxymoron as well

 

[pivoxa15]

Well if you have that attitude than you might not be single for very long.

 

[JasonRox]

You guys talk about meeting people online, but what about the coping skills one gets when simply going out and looking for someone? Lots of social skills and personal development happens when you go out and look for one, or plainly live life. The internet takes that away, especially things like Facebook, MSN, and so on.

What are you're thoughts on that? We can't ignore these things. Before you'd have to deal with the fact, but now everyone can run away from it. Is that necessarily a good thing?

Personally, I say it's not a good thing at all. Why? We all need personal development no matter how old we are.

 

[Astronuc]

You guys talk about meeting people online, but what about the coping skills one gets when simply going out and looking for someone? Lots of social skills and personal development happens when you go out and look for one, or plainly live life. The internet takes that away, especially things like Facebook, MSN, and so on.

What are you're thoughts on that? We can't ignore these things. Before you'd have to deal with the fact, but now everyone can run away from it. Is that necessarily a good thing?

The internet is a starting point! But in reality, I think most prefer to meet in person - at least I would.

Certainly one needs to develop oneself and social skills.

In theory, one develops social skills and interpersonal relationships in one community, e.g at school or at church or other social institutions. Yet one might not find the 'right' person. The internet allows a much larger population, and it is then may be possible to find the 'right' person, AND arrange to meet in person.

Anyway, it is possible for one to deceive another, from a distance or in person, and we have seen examples of that.

Hopefully people tend to be forthright from a distance and in person.

 

[JasonRox]

The internet is a starting point! But in reality, I think most prefer to meet in person - at least I would.

Certainly one needs to develop oneself and social skills.

In theory, one develops social skills and interpersonal relationships in one community, e.g at school or at church or other social institutions. Yet one might not find the 'right' person. The internet allows a much larger population, and it is then may be possible to find the 'right' person, AND arrange to meet in person.

Anyway, it is possible for one to deceive another, from a distance or in person, and we have seen examples of that.

Hopefully people tend to be forthright from a distance and in person.

You're right, but I still see so many people using the internet before developping oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24. That's a little young in my opinion. You barely started life and you're already concluding that you can't find the right person? It's kind of silly if you ask me.

 

[Evo]

The internet is just the means of finding that special person. If you are interested in being with that person, obviously you will have to meet at some point.

Being in a long distance relationship actually requires that a person be more emotionally secure, trusting, and mature for it to be successful.

Over the years I have met a number of people in person that I found online and each one of them was exactly the same in person as they were online. My rule of thumb is not to meet in person until I have gotten to know someone online for at least 6 months. By 6 months, a person's true character starts to come out and I've saved myself a lot of trouble by waiting instead of rushing into meeting someone before I really get to know them.

 

[Huckleberry]

I'm more of a 6 minute person myself

 

[Evo]

You're right, but I still see so many people using the internet before developping oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24. That's a little young in my opinion. You barely started life and you're already concluding that you can't find the right person? It's kind of silly if you ask me.

People in that age group are usually in school and have the ability to meet people and socialize. If they instead opt to lock themselves away and sit on the computer all day, you're absolutely right.

It's when you get older that the opportunity to meet someone in person becomes really slim.

 

[radou]

Being in a long distance relationship actually requires that a person be more emotionally secure, trusting, and mature for it to be successful.

You could be right about that one, but you could be terribly wrong as well. It all depends on the persons we're talking about.

 

[Astronuc]

Being in a long distance relationship actually requires that a person be more emotionally secure, trusting, and mature for it to be successful.

Being in a long term relationship requires both parties to be emotionally secure, trusting and mature (which should include being honest, open, compassionate, sensitive, communicative, . . . ) for it to be successful.

. . . I still see so many people using the internet before developing oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24.

I think it starts younger. Pre-teens and young teenagers are using the internet to socialize. Hopefully, there is parental oversight, but we have seen cases, some tragic, where there is not. There are some adults who prey upon children and young adults.

The internet, or for that matter telecommunications, should not be a substitute (exclusively that is) for in-person relationships. But it allows communications/correspondence with those far away, as much as writing letters to someone faraway, e.g. across the country or overseas.

 

[Huckleberry]

Have you seen the new reality tv show on MSNBC "To Catch a Predator" where scumbags of all types are lured onto television and exposed. It's great fun for the whole family.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10912603/

 

[mattmns]

Have you seen the new reality tv show on MSNBC "To Catch a Predator" where scumbags of all types are lured onto television and exposed. It's great fun for the whole family.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10912603/

Didn't they catch a rabbi, and also a school teacher on that show?

 

[ShawnD]

You're right, but I still see so many people using the internet before developping oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24. That's a little young in my opinion. You barely started life and you're already concluding that you can't find the right person? It's kind of silly if you ask me.

Do you mean people shouldn't go out hunting for a relationship when they don't have their own life on a set path? I can see how that would make sense; a relationship would at least go under some strain if it's created under certain conditions, then those conditions completely change (get a new career, move to a new city, etc).

Regardless of age, the internet is an interesting place to meet people. You find out very quickly what you don't want to be with, and sometimes knowing what you don't want is the first step towards knowing what you do want. I've had a lot of bad internet dating experiences, and I can say with at least some confidence that I learned more in 1 year of internet dating than I did in 19 years of real life dating (yeah I'll count those kindergarten crushes as dating).
The one lesson in particular that sticks out is how common interests seemed to have nothing to do with how well a relationship works, but openness had everything to do with it. My current girlfriend loves reading books, I don't give her a hard time about it; I like technology and video games, and she doesn't bug me about it. Another thing was that career path had nothing to do with compatibility. I dated a girl who was a chemistry major, but her apathy towards work really bugged me. My current girlfriend is an art major (exact opposite of my career), but she has 2 part-time jobs and she sells paintings and prints she did for her school projects; that's very impressive.

You might not find anybody important on the internet, but you'll save a lot of time learning important dating lessons. If the site tries to match based on questionaires, it's almost like you get to pick and choose your test subjects then see why the relationship fails.

 

[Huckleberry]

I don't know, but from what I hear there seems to be no identifying factor in the predators. They come from all classes, races, religions, etc. It's kind of scary. I wonder what the hell these people are thinking? MSNBC is posing as a 15 year old girl or something and the guy goes to where she lives. Internet predators seem to be very trusting (desperate) people.

 

[JasonRox]

I don't know, but from what I hear there seems to be no identifying factor in the predators. They come from all classes, races, religions, etc. It's kind of scary. I wonder what the hell these people are thinking? MSNBC is posing as a 15 year old girl or something and the guy goes to where she lives. Internet predators seem to be very trusting (desperate) people.

Internet predators are usually not on internet dating services. They go in chat rooms.

 

[mattmns]

Internet predators are usually not on internet dating services.

And what are you basing this on?