Dealing With Unrequited Love in University

[Huckleberry]

I've never, apart from a few times in school when I was about 14 or so, been in this situation, and thus cannot comprehend how such a situation arises between adults.

Dare we attempt to put a name to the term? It could be Social Anxiety Disorder, but I'm really not qualified to make the diagnosis. Does it seem like this would explain ILEX's situation?

Symptoms

[edit] Cognitive aspects
In cognitive models of Social Anxiety Disorder, social phobics experience dread over how they will be presented to others. They may be overly self-conscious, pay high self-attention after the activity, or have high performance standards for themselves. According to the social psychology theory of self-presentation, a sufferer attempts to create a well-mannered impression on others but believes he or she is unable to do so. Many times, prior to the potentially anxiety-provoking social situation, sufferers may deliberate over what could go wrong and how to deal with each unexpected case. After the event, they may have the perception they performed unsatisfactorily. Consequently, they will review anything that may have possibly been abnormal or embarrassing. These thoughts do not just terminate soon after the encounter, but may extend for weeks or longer.[8] Those with social phobia tend to interpret neutral or ambiguous conversations with a negative outlook and although still inconclusive, some studies suggest that socially anxious individuals remember more negative memories than those less distressed.[9] An example of an instance may be that of an employee presenting to his co-workers. During the presentation, the person may stutter a word upon which he or she may worry that other people significantly noticed and think that he or she is a terrible presenter. This cognitive thought propels further anxiety which may lead to further stuttering, sweating and a possible panic attack.


[edit] Behavioral aspects
Social anxiety disorder is a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that he or she may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing. It exceeds normal "shyness" as it leads to excessive social avoidance and substantial social or occupational impairment. Feared activities may include almost any type of social interaction, especially small groups, dating, parties, talking to strangers, restaurants, etc. Physical symptoms include "mind going blank", fast heartbeat, blushing, stomach ache. Cognitive distortions are a hallmark, and learned about in CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). Thoughts are often self-defeating and inaccurate.

The groundless fear of telephoning is typical, both calling somebody and answering the phone. It may appear already in the childhood.

According to psychologist B.F. Skinner, phobias are controlled by escape and avoidance behaviors. For instance, a student may leave the room when talking in front of the class (escape) and refrain from doing verbal presentations because of the previously encountered anxiety attack (avoid). Minor avoidance behaviors are exposed when a person avoids eye contact and crosses arms to avoid recognizable shaking.[9] A fight-or-flight response is then triggered in such events. Preventing these automatic responses is at the core of treatment for social anxiety.


[edit] Physiological aspects
Physiological effects, similar to those in other anxiety disorders, are present in social phobics. Faced with an uncomfortable situation, children with social anxiety may display tantrums, weeping, clinging to parents, and shutting themselves out.[10] At adults, it may be lacrimation as well as experiencing excessive sweating, nausea, shaking, and palpitations as a result of the fight-or-flight response. It should be strongly emphasized that the term "lacrimation" refers to eye watering, not crying. The walk disturbance may appear, especially when passing a group of people. Blushing is commonly exhibited by individuals suffering from social phobia.[9] These visible symptoms further reinforce the anxiety in the presence of others. A 2006 study found that the area of the brain called the amygdala, part of the limbic system, is hyperactive when patients are shown threatening faces or confronted with frightening situations. They found that patients with more severe social phobia showed a correlation with the increased response in the amygdala.[11]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety

American children appear more likely to develop social anxiety disorder if their parents emphasise the importance of other's opinions and use shame as a disciplinary strategy (Leung et al., 1994),

Being sensitive is not a bad thing. I find it very helpful in understanding others. Being sensitive to the point that it limits your ability to have a healthy relationship is a bad thing. It can lead to depression and substance abuse and suicide. I also believe it could lead to destructive behaviors that target other individuals. I think this why people are afraid of the symptoms and make comments about this sort of behavior being creepy, which only reinforces the behaviors.

ILEX, reread your own posts in this thread and determine which statements are irrational to you in hindsight. You don't need to post it if you don't want, but it's something to think about.

 

[BobG]

I can't help wondering, but was this a little red headed girl?

So what do the two of you have in common? If it is just an infatuation, then I'd leave it at that and start looking for someone real that you share interests with. If you're lonely you should go out and join a group and do activities in order to meet new friends.

Is the person that you like even her? You have some image of her that you have grown to like and is special to you, but you don't actually know the real her, do you?

Good points, both.

I don't think the chances of this working out are very good. You can create a fantasy girl, complete with a fantasy personality, if she's inflatable. If she's a real human, she's probably going to be a little shocked by the personality you've supplied her with. And it's hard to believe you haven't supplied her with a personality if you've spent ten years obsessing over her.

You'll probably be equally shocked by her real personality. So far, you have no real reason to think you'll actually be attracted to her.

I would say your problem is pretty normal for someone in junior high or early high school (at least, I hope it's normal, for my own sake). You need to grow out of that eventually, though.

Get out and meet some people. There's no reason it has to be a physics/math oriented group, either. A little diversity in environment can do wonders.

 

[ILEW]

You liked a girl since you were 10, but you never talked to her and you're still thinking about for this long?

That sounds really creepy to be honest with you.

I think its just that I am really regretting all the opportunties I had in the past. Had I never seen her after primary school than she would gradually fade from my memory but would always be in there - i.e when I am in love with someone I would think about her and compare her to this person I was in love with. However I did see her when she was 18 and she looked prettier than ever. Failing to say anything then is heart breaking for me now.

 

[ILEW]

Huckleberry, are you suggesting you were both infatuated with each other?

I don't have social anxiety disorder. I am simply getting lonely and regreting the past which seemed like such a golden opportunity. It could have been that it never worked out but I didn't try. You could say that now that I have, things also seem not to have worked out. But I wished I had tried sooner.

 

[ILEW]

I can't help wondering, but was this a little red headed girl?

No. Brown hair I think. I never noticed her hair much nor her body for that matter. It's just her face that really did me back then and still now. Offcourse also her behaviour (i.e how she acted and did) in school I liked as well.

 

[JasonRox]

The bottom line is you don't even know her. It doesn't make sense to be overcome with emotions about something you know literally nothing about. Of course it happens, but part of life I believe is to learn how to control those emotions so they don't go out of hand.

I personally think you should get over it.

 

[Astronuc]

Huckleberry, are you suggesting you were both infatuated with each other?

No. Since none of know the young lady, we cannot assess her thoughts. ILEW, it is clear you are infatuated (attracted) to the young lady, which is fine if you recognize it as such.

I don't have social anxiety disorder. I am simply getting lonely and regreting the past which seemed like such a golden opportunity. It could have been that it never worked out but I didn't try. You could say that now that I have, things also seem not to have worked out. But I wished I had tried sooner.

OK - there is regret over the past, over opportunities not explored. Stop dwelling on the past, which cannot be changed.

In the present, there are two courses of action:

1. Give it up, let go and move on. There are many other very nice women out there in the world.

2. Find a way to communicate with the young lady - but do so without expectation.

The next time you see her - look at her and wave - and smile. If she acknowledges that (and waves and/or smiles), perhaps you could approach her. If she does not wave or smile, don't approach. Perhaps your avoidance in the past has caused her some concern.

Alternatively, you could write an email explain more or less that you are simply shy and never had the courage to talk with her or approach her. You could then suggest that it would be nice to sit and talk over coffee or something - but then you have to wait for a response. If it never comes, then you move on. But at least you have made an attempt instead of missing another opportunity.

 

[Astronuc]

I can't help wondering, but was this a little red headed girl?

No, that's Charlie Brown.

 

[JasonRox]

Listen to Astronuc. He summed it nice, and explained it.

Personally, I vote move on because this an emotional hurdle you have to surpass and let her go. If you did get with her, and she broke up with you... your life would become hopeless as you have no idea how to move on.

 

[Moonbear]

Okay, this just keeps getting creepier, to be honest. You have never spoken to her, and presumably have never heard her speak either, you don't even know what color her hair is, yet you're completely obsessed with her, or at least your imagined version of her. You're in love with your imagination here, not with the person, you don't even know her, she's just a pretty face. You could try talking to her, but this obsession is probably going to show through and creep her out, and since you've conjured up your fantasy image of her, it's doubtful the real person will ever match up to the ideals of your imagination. Or, you can just realize it's a weird crush that should have been nothing more than a phase in your childhood and move on already.

 

[JasonRox]

Okay, this just keeps getting creepier, to be honest. You have never spoken to her, and presumably have never heard her speak either, you don't even know what color her hair is, yet you're completely obsessed with her, or at least your imagined version of her. You're in love with your imagination here, not with the person, you don't even know her, she's just a pretty face. You could try talking to her, but this obsession is probably going to show through and creep her out, and since you've conjured up your fantasy image of her, it's doubtful the real person will ever match up to the ideals of your imagination. Or, you can just realize it's a weird crush that should have been nothing more than a phase in your childhood and move on already.

The first e-mail itself most likely creeped her out. That's why she never responded.

 

[honestrosewater]

Meh, I have gotten some questionable messages from guys who seem a bit too smitten with me for some reason, but I don't see why that is necessarily creepy. I might have even seemed that way to other people at times. The message that he described didn't sound creepy. I have gotten some definitely creepy (i.e., slimy or scary) messages too (and had other experiences), and they are different.

And to be fair, I didn't see where he said how much time he has spent thinking about her, so I don't see the justifications for calling this obsession. Hasn't he only mentioned things that he noticed and remembered? Perhaps he is just observant and has a good memory. I suppose the "specialness" never got explained, but still, obsession seems like a jump to me.

 

[honestrosewater]

The first e-mail itself most likely creeped her out. That's why she never responded.

She did respond.

She responded to my first email on the day I sent it to her asking me what I was up to.

And he has heard her speak. He said she said sorry to him on the bus. Some people notice and remember lots of things.

Maybe she is just busy. It's not impossible. I have messages from totally awesome people that I intend to write back but haven't gotten around to yet. Or maybe she forgot. Or maybe she didn't get it. Maybe a lot of things. ILEW, you won't know if you don't try. Just decide whether it's worth it or not. But, yeah, the sooner, the better.

 

[Huckleberry]

Do you have problems approaching any woman that you are attracted to or just this one?

 

[mathwonk]

whats her number john smith?

no seriously, try to accumulate as many "shot down" experiences as possible, and as few didn't call experiences as possible.

 

[ILEW]

Do you have problems approaching any woman that you are attracted to or just this one?

You've hit the spot. My major weakness is having major difficulties with woman I am attracted to. In fact far worse, the more I am attracted to one, the faster I turn away and avoid her. Is this in the genes or a psychological illness. I have been like this for as far as I can remember. I have been most attracted to this girl and have shown the greatest amount of avoidance. I also don't have any friends that are female. Although I only have a handful of male friends as well so definitely not sociable.

 

[radou]

You've hit the spot. My major weakness is having major difficulties with woman I am attracted to. In fact far worse, the more I am attracted to one, the faster I turn away and avoid her. Is this in the genes or a psychological illness.

No, it's not any illness and it's not in the genes. You're only looking for a excuse for not starting to act. You may think of it this way: people are afraid to go to war, they are afraid before undergoring risky surgery, they are afraid while they are waiting for a diagnosis or something. They are afraid when they lose someone really close to them, and they are afraid when someone is after them.

But you needn't be afraid of this fundamental thing - approaching a beautiful girl you fancy. Come on, the whole world is full of this "you can do it" motto these days, so even idiots get it and know what they have to do. This should be your motivation to change your life.

I also don't have any friends that are female. Although I only have a handful of male friends as well so definitely not sociable.

Even a handful is okay. Perhaps at least one of these male friends has a female friend. If so, look for a situation where you could get to know her. Why? Because this very female friend probably has at least a handful of female friends, so you can get to know at least one of her. Hence, your odds for meeting someone new and learning to socialize are greater.

 

[ILEW]

Okay, this just keeps getting creepier, to be honest. You have never spoken to her, and presumably have never heard her speak either, you don't even know what color her hair is, yet you're completely obsessed with her, or at least your imagined version of her. You're in love with your imagination here, not with the person, you don't even know her, she's just a pretty face. You could try talking to her, but this obsession is probably going to show through and creep her out, and since you've conjured up your fantasy image of her, it's doubtful the real person will ever match up to the ideals of your imagination. Or, you can just realize it's a weird crush that should have been nothing more than a phase in your childhood and move on already.

I have heard her speak but not much. Actually I am pretty sure she has light brown hair. A colour like that is not very noticeable I think because it's light but not blonde nor red. Actually I have only seen her face directly once in my life which was this year and at a distance as I was walking into the library and we gave each other a stare, it was a bit too far to make out all her features. Before that I was too shy to look at her directly as I didn't want to give it away and have only looked at her from the side. Can you believe I missed the opportunity to look at her directly close up as I walked out of the library as she looked my way because I was even too shy or scared a few months ago. So back in primary school it may have been the way she acted that really got me and it could be that she looked very good from the side. So you can see that sending that email was a huge step for me. After I sent the first email, I was shaking scared as if the world was crushing down and didn't even have the appetite to eat lunch.

 

[cristo]

I have heard her speak but not much. Actually I am pretty sure she has light brown hair. A colour like that is not very noticeable I think because it's light but not blonde nor red. Actually I have only seen her face directly once in my life which was this year and at a distance as I was walking into the library and we gave each other a stare, it was a bit too far to make out all her features. Before that I was too shy to look at her directly as I didn't want to give it away and have only looked at her from the side. Can you believe I missed the opportunity to look at her directly close up as I walked out of the library as she looked my way because I was even too shy or scared a few months ago. So back in primary school it may have been the way she acted that really got me and it could be that she looked very good from the side. So you can see that sending that email was a huge step for me. After I sent the first email, I was shaking scared as if the world was crushing down and didn't even have the appetite to eat lunch.

So, you've only seen her face once? And you don't know what color her hair is? When you first started this thread, I presumed that you must like her because of the way she looks, but know it can't even be that. Why do you like her? There must be something!

In light of this new evidence, I strongly suggest you move on. This is clearly a very unhealthy obsession with someone that you do not know the slightest thing about.

 

[JasonRox]

She did respond.
And he has heard her speak. He said she said sorry to him on the bus. Some people notice and remember lots of things.

Maybe she is just busy. It's not impossible. I have messages from totally awesome people that I intend to write back but haven't gotten around to yet. Or maybe she forgot. Or maybe she didn't get it. Maybe a lot of things. ILEW, you won't know if you don't try. Just decide whether it's worth it or not. But, yeah, the sooner, the better.

She didn't respond the second time...

 

[radou]

and it could be that she looked very good from the side.

So, you've only seen her face once?

No, he apparently only saw her from the side. Perhaps the other side of her face is all deformed !

ILEW, just listen to the advice these good people are giving you! Stop writing and do something!

 

[ILEW]

You people are a bit mistaken. I definitely know her hair colour is light brown and it could be that I did see her face back in primary school but thought it was so pretty that I was too scared to look at it more because if I did I would have given away the truths, such as my immature thoughts were back then.

I actually realized how much I had missed out when I had a maths tutor who looked a lot like her, same hair colour, build and facial features except not as pretty. I felt so good asking her questions that I thought about contacting the girl I had never spoken to. Anyway I think I should move on as most of you suggest but might give her one more email just to be sure of myself. Things can't get worse than they already are.

 

[JasonRox]

Just get over it. No e-mail. Nothing.

The fact that you clung on to this for so long is creepy. You're at risk at clinging on to her like a shark on prey if you two ever want a date. Trust me, that's not good.

 

[Huckleberry]

I don't think you should just move on and forget this girl. What will happen then? I doubt that all your problems will go away and you will suddenly feel confident in approaching another woman. I doubt you can just rationalize your infatuation with this girl away, and even if you could it would not improve your situation. Ignoring this will only make things worse for you. I don't believe you have the capability to just get over this girl and I think anyone recommending such a thing has no understanding of your situation.

Stop taking the easy way out. Don't make excuses to let yourself off the hook. Have the courage to take responsibility for your own life. From what you describe, this goes beyond normal shyness. You shouldn't allow yourself to continue through life without the ability to form meaningful relationships. It would be very unhealthy. You should definitely talk to someone at your school who is qualified to advise you.

You will be rejected by women. The only way to get around that is to avoid women completely. But if you never try you will never know what love is. Your imagination is the best you will ever have. In order to succeed you have to be willing to take risks and accept responsibility for yourself. Parents are not responsible for their adult children. Polls are not responsible for your success or failure. An adult makes their own decisions. I feel that you allow other's opinions of you determine how you view yourself. Make some decisions for yourself and then find the courage to act on your decisions. Advice is often helpful, but it will not get you what you want.

Do something about your situation. You are still young and the situation is not hopeless. I recommend introducing yourself to any woman you meet in a random manner, just to build confidence in approaching women. Astronuc's idea of waving to this girl and determining if she actually wants to talk to you seems good to me also. Definately talk to a counselor at your school. Send her an e-mail if you like, but expect no response if you tell her any of the things you have written here. Examine your self image and try to determine how much is real and how much is what you think others think of you.

Good luck

 

[Evo]

I've got to say that being this obsessed with someone you've only glanced at a few times and never spoken to and for it to go on for this long falls under the category of obsessed. At least you aren't stalking her.

The fact that you've considered sending her an e-mail to tell her that she's special to you is not a good sign. How could someone you've never interacted with even in a group be "special" to you. You seem to have created a fantasy about this girl and it is not healthy.

I would suggest that with this fantasy you've created, you should not contact her. If you cannot rid yourself of this obsessive fantasy, seek professional help.

 

[Monique]

Ignoring this will only make things worse for you. I don't believe you have the capability to just get over this girl and I think anyone recommending such a thing has no understanding of your situation.

I think he should forget about this particular girl, people have crushes involving people that are out of reach and then grow over it. I think everyone has had these high school crushes. Later you realize that you really weren't compatible and that it was a nice experience to have such feelings for someone, but that they weren't realistic. I once had such a crush for someone in high school, I never contacted him and there are no hard feelings.

I think ILEW should work on really getting to know girls, without any obstructions and barriers. Obviously he has a HUGE barrier build for the current girl, she's out of reach and I'd leave it at that. If you're supposed to meet, it will happen, the circumstances will be better when you just let it happen instead of forcing a relationship.

Talk to girls that you don't find intimidating and learn from interacting with them. You'll probably soon find a girl you like, since you've already contacted her the barrier will be low to continue the relationship.

 

[Huckleberry]

I don't think he can forget her until she rejects him. Even if he could, he would likely soon replace her with another fantasy girl. This isn't just a crush. This is an obsessive fantasy that has been ongoing for 10 years from a time when they were just children. He needs to learn how to accept rejection. It will help him with more than just relationships. It will help him assert himself in all areas of his life. I suspect that he needs an identity separate from what others think of him.

 

[Moonbear]

Quite frankly, I think it's time for him to seek a counselor or other professional help to be able to 1) let this go, and 2) learn to have the confidence to look someone in the eye and talk to them! Obviously, the second problem is part of what has led to the first problem. Not be able to even look up at someone and say "hello" is going to create more problems than just lack of dates. This is a life skill that is needed not just for social relationships, but for professional ones as well. If you're so shy that you can't look someone in the eye when talking to them, and so nervous about it that you stammer over all your words, you're going to have trouble getting through job interviews, meetings with co-workers, etc. Deal with that problem first, and once you've overcome that shyness, you'll start noticing other women and they'll notice you and it'll be easier to put this one out of your mind (or to finally just ask her and get the rejection over with...or who knows, if you get your act together, she might find you more interesting and will say yes, but that will NEVER happen if you're too scared to even talk to her let alone ask her out).

 

[Evo]

I don't think he can forget her until she rejects him. Even if he could, he would likely soon replace her with another fantasy girl. This isn't just a crush. This is an obsessive fantasy that has been ongoing for 10 years from a time when they were just children. He needs to learn how to accept rejection. It will help him with more than just relationships. It will help him assert himself in all areas of his life. I suspect that he needs an identity separate from what others think of him.

So if she doesn't answer another e-mail can we tell him to take that as a rejection and move on? No answer may be the only rejection he gets.

 

[Huckleberry]

So if she doesn't answer another e-mail can we tell him to take that as a rejection and move on? No answer may be the only rejection he gets.

Only ILEW can decide when he feels that he has been fully rejected. Hopefully he can do it without frightening her too badly. I think he needs to see for himself that she is not the woman in his imagination. Or like Moonbear said, if he gets his act together, this girl might react positively. My magic 8 ball says "chances are slim".

What I would do is send a short message to arrange a meeting in a public place to catch up on the last ten years. Then, if she responds, I would force myself to go and talk to her in person. It's harder to dispute a rejection when it is done in person.

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me. If she still doesn't respond then the rejection is pretty clear and he should just stay away from her.

Either way, he should talk to a professional about this, someone who can determine how severe his problem is.

 

[cristo]

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me.

He should send one email, by all means, but another email "explaining how he feels" is a very bad idea. If she does not reply to his first email asking to meet up, he should take this as a rejection. I will guarantee, that if he sends her an email explaining his feelings for her, having never even spoken, she will not reply. Furthermore, I wouldn't be suprised if it didn't scare the poor girl!

I think he should leave it, but if he must send one more email, then fair enough. However, he should realize when friendly behaviour becomes obsessive stalking.

 

[Huckleberry]

I only recommended two e-mails because I think talking in person is better than describing his emotions in an e-mail. I think the important thing is to get this all out of his head an into the real world. Yeah, she could be scared, but no harm is done from an e-mail. Then at least he will have a real reason to avoid her and will find it difficult to continue the fantasy when it is undeniable that it does not match reality.

I wouldn't be surprised if the e-mail has already been sent.

 

[Evo]

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me.

Eeeeh, that's the point I would consider a restraining order. He never met her.

If I got an e-mail from someone saying "you don't know me but I have been obsessed with you since I was a child" they would not get a reply.

 

[Huckleberry]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

That and a bunch of other everyday life things shouldn't scare her too bad, you think? I think what would be too frightening is if the letter was directed to her in a manner that seeks her affection, rather than acknowledging the end of an obsession. I'd play it down to a crush as much as possible by leaving out highly charged emotional words and writing in a matter-of-fact manner.

 

[cristo]

This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics.

So now it's an addiction that's comparable to, say, someone who's life is destroyed by alcohol or drugs? I think not. This is a girl he doesn't know, has never met or spoken to, and doesn't even know what she looks like.