Dealing With Unrequited Love in University

[Monique]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

 

[Huckleberry]

So now it's an addiction that's comparable to, say, someone who's life is destroyed by alcohol or drugs? I think not. This is a girl he doesn't know, has never met or spoken to, and doesn't even know what she looks like.

I'm not being literal. It's just some humor. Someone with a severe social disorder can have their life destroyed just as easily as they could with drugs and alcohol. These disorders can often lead to those abuses also. Not being able to form relationships is a very harmful disorder. I'm making light of a potentially serious situation.

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

It doesn't really matter what she thinks as long as she isn't so frightened that she feels a need to take legal action. The idea is to get the feelings across with a minimal amount of creepiness so they don't have to be bottled up for the rest of his life.

 

[Astronuc]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

I wouldn't mentioned the 12 step program, but one could simply convey that one has been very shy and awkward. Say something like, "please pardon my behavior, and I hope it has not caused any alarm." Then move on.

I am often bewildered why people just cannot come out and say what is in their heart - to simply be honest and straightforward. Those seem to be two qualities that are requisite for a successful and long-lasting relationship - whether its friendship or marriage.

 

[Moonbear]

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

It doesn't really matter what she thinks as long as she isn't so frightened that she feels a need to take legal action. The idea is to get the feelings across with a minimal amount of creepiness so they don't have to be bottled up for the rest of his life.

If it was written exactly as you wrote above, my response would be the same as Monique's. And, I'd probably add his email address to my spam filter. If he wrote anything more, actually expressing his feelings as he is talking about her here, then I'd react more like Evo and start thinking "Save this email as evidence for the restraining order, and I think I'm going to shower with Lysol now."

 

[JasonRox]

I'm with Moonbear. He needs profesional help badly.

 

[pivoxa15]

One of the reasons for liking her so much back then was because she seemed like someone I would like very much, i.e a female version of myself? Her friends were people I probably would have liked had I been female at the time. So it isn't just her physical attractivness but other things as well. That is why she seemed so perfect and such an opportunity gone missing. I have never dated anyone in my life but its as if, if I was going to date anyone than the first person in the world would be her. However we are different to when we were small. I have become more anti social but don't think she is, if not quite sociable by the look of things.

Talking this issue here has helped me a lot. I don't feel as bad about it anymore and not so freightened of her anymore.

 

[J77]

What a long thread...

I had never ever talked to her before

ummm... could be a first step...

 

[Astronuc]

I'm with Moonbear. He needs profesional help badly.

As long as he's not wearing disposible diapers and driving cross-country to Florida, he's not there yet.

Talking this issue here has helped me a lot. I don't feel as bad about it anymore and not so freightened of her anymore.

Hopefully in real life, one uses one identity. I can understand the senstivity of the matter, but hopefully there are not more than two identities here.

 

[dontdisturbmycircles]

Ouch.. I am assuming that he did not mean to switch over to the Pivoxa name and was just using ILEW for privacy... This may make it even worse considering the state it sounds like he is in.

 

[pivoxa15]

Oh yeah. I'm sorry. It's all leaked out now. Anyway its good getting some advice from you people. I was just too embarrased which I assume is understandable but for me especially so to talk about these matters. Anyhow I am planning to give her one more email in a months time after I finish my exams and some time to reflect on the issue. However the probabilities are very low.

 

[dontdisturbmycircles]

Good luck pivoxa.

Yes it is understandable.

 

[JasonRox]

Just let her go man. Seriously, a 10 year crush is just unthinkable and creepy especially since you don't even know her and creepy even if you did know her.

If you have a hard time moving on from a girl you don't even know, just imagine how hard it would be to move on from rejection. If you haven't given up yet, you probably won't give up after rejection.

Anyways, I say leave her alone. The day she finds out you had this long crush she's going to think you're a ps...

Note: I personally wouldn't tell any girl you meet about the crush either. It'll freak them out.

 

[honestrosewater]

Good luck pivoxa.

Yes it is understandable.

Seconded. And I hope you meet more people with some compassion and understanding who can help you tame your worries.

 

[Astronuc]

I concur with honestrosewater and dontdisturbmycircles. It is quite understandable. Time to overcome the handicap of anxiety and move forward.

 

[Huckleberry]

Good luck pivoxa.

I apologize if I got a little dramatic. That happens sometimes. I think that if you do find someone who is understanding to your sensitivity you will have a powerful bond with that person. Thank you for sharing your situation with us. That takes real courage.

 

[pivoxa15]

There is nothing to hide now. I actually created ILEW just for discussion about matters related to her. Yes she is actually taller than me a little maybe an inch or two. That just adds more unlikliness on top of everything else.

 

[Astronuc]

There is nothing to hide now. I actually created ILEW just for discussion about matters related to her. Yes she is actually taller than me a little maybe an inch or two. That just adds more unlikeliness on top of everything else.

Not necessarily - it depends on her. Some women (perhaps a majority) prefer a taller man. Try to resist applying generalities in human behavior to individuals.

Too bad you didn't make a post on this before you sent the second email.

At this point, I would recommend not going out of one's way to contact her, but if you should by chance encounter her again - wave (if at a distance) or if nearby (say Hi). But perhaps just let it go.

 

[pivoxa15]

Not necessarily - it depends on her. Some women (perhaps a majority) prefer a taller man. Try to resist applying generalities in human behavior to individuals.

There is good reason to think she is part of the majority. The fact is it creates extra reason for me to let it go.

Too bad you didn't make a post on this before you sent the second email.

Yeah that is one thing I really regret. I assumed she liked me and all I needed to do was to confirm that I liked her. The fact that she didn't reply the second email suggest that is far from the truth.

 

[radou]

Wh...what? ILEW is pivoxa15? What's this, some kind of soap opera?

Anyways pivoxa, good luck.

 

[Astronuc]

I assumed she liked me

Well, therein lies the problem. Having not had a conversation or exchange in the past, she doesn't even know you, and you don't know her. She might have noticed you some time in the past. Back in post #33, she probably recognized you on the bus and at least then, she felt comfortable enough to stand next to you. That was certainly an opportunity missed.

From her perspective, your behavior (avoidance) has been rather strange, and has perhaps now made her uncomfortable. Perhaps one should not attempt further contact, but rather learn from the experience and move on.

 

[Moonbear]

One of the reasons for liking her so much back then was because she seemed like someone I would like very much, i.e a female version of myself? Her friends were people I probably would have liked had I been female at the time. So it isn't just her physical attractivness but other things as well.

This is the part I still don't understand. If you've never spoken to her, how do you know she is someone you'd like to be like? And, why do you still think it's more than just physical attraction? It really sounds like that's ALL it could be. I also think your fixation on this one person is preventing you from seeing the REAL attractiveness of others because you've set an imaginary ideal in your mind that no real person can ever attain or match.

My advice to seek counseling still stands. As I mentioned earlier, this is about more than just talking to women and getting dates, this is about being able to overcome extreme shyness so you can function in the world. If you don't feel comfortable jumping straight in and discussing your fixation on this one woman with a counselor, start out just by addressing the more general issue of shyness and nervousness about talking to people. Heck, just the practice of talking to a counselor will help you learn to talk with other people who are new to you.

In the meantime, I have a homework assignment for you...make it your goal to make the effort at least once daily to look up at someone you pass when walking, smile and say "Hi." A few will just keep walking, some will be confused trying to figure out if they know you, and most will smile and say "hi" back. It's a very small thing to do that will spread a smile to others and start helping you gain confidence that most of the time, you get a positive reward for saying hi because they smile back, and the rest of the time, nothing bad happens. And, if you say hi to the people who work at the counter of places you frequent (i.e., coffee shops, library, computer lab, etc.), you may find that leads to some conversation and new friends, or at least more pleasant service.

 

[pivoxa15]

This is the part I still don't understand. If you've never spoken to her, how do you know she is someone you'd like to be like? And, why do you still think it's more than just physical attraction?

In fact I don't understand that part either. I remember asking that same question to myself 10 years ago. I can remember many other attractive girls (some even more attractive than her) in the school but the fact that I was crazy about this one but none of the others is what makes her special to me. It puzzled me why I like her so much. So it must be because of other matters.

 

[JasonRox]

In fact I don't understand that part either. I remember asking that same question to myself 10 years ago. I can remember many other attractive girls (some even more attractive than her) in the school but the fact that I was crazy about this one but none of the others is what makes her special to me. It puzzled me why I like her so much. So it must be because of other matters.

You say it like it may be something romantic that you have with her, but really it's not romantic at all.

Have you thought about counseling?

 

[Huckleberry]

Words don't mean much. People form attractions very quickly even without speaking to one another. She may have just smiled at you or looked at you for more than a few seconds. Maybe she showed some kind of interest in some other way and you picked up on it. That's all it takes to form an attraction.

I'd guess that you formed an attraction to this girl early in the school year and carried that attraction to the exclusion of all others and you lean heavily toward monogamous relationships. I don't believe it is only a physical attraction, though it may have started that way. Somewhere in the first few minutes of encountering this girl you made a decision that you would like to have a relationship with her. You want to know about her, what books she likes, what kind of humor she appreciates, what her family is like, that sort of thing. This is a crush.

Then, because you had no communication with this girl, but the attraction still held you, the curiosity about her became a series of 'what if' scenarios that eventually formed into the fantasy. The attraction isn't physical because the attraction persists even without physical contact. The attraction is based on presumed qualities that she possesses in the fantasy. This is something more than a crush.

This is why I mentioned that if you found a real person to be this devoted to you could have a very strong bond if they felt likewise.

 

[ILEW]

My exams are over and had some time to reflect on the issue. Just to keep things consistent I think it is best to post under this username. I haven't tried consuelling because I have the ability to overcome this urge if it must. i.e if she dosen't reply to another email I send her in the future, if that is to happen.

What I want to know are the reasons why she hasn't replied to my second email. I haven't sent her another one by the way.

She dosen't know me at all so can't be that she hates me. The fact that she replied to my first email suggests she is at least neutral. I told her I was doing maths and thinking of doing postgrad studies in pure maths in the future. We can actually check which department students are studying in our database and it looks like she is taking subjects from the education department, specifically in primary school teaching (quite ironic as we 'met' in primary school) as I have checked their program. So could it be that she sensed there was too much contrast between what I'm doing and what she is doing even though we're both interested in education? And a bit embarrassed and so dosen't want to associate with me? I actually thought it was a good sign as she was into education. And probably a decent person as a result.

Maybe she replied to the first email because she is obviously interested in her own primary school 'mates' and what their doing but isn't interested in me personally at all. And never did in the first place?

Another reason could be that she already has a boyfriend and sensed my intensions from my second email and so didn't want to associate with me anymore even though she liked me? Although I guess it dosen't matter if that like isn't strong. Just as well that she didn't like me in the first place. I am shorter than her by about an inch or two. She is 5'11-6'0 so quite tall. That reduces my chances even more. But the thing is, I've always thought there was attraction between us even though we never spoked to each other before. But that could be my own illusion.

In my second email, I told her that I had known her for 11 years. Maybe that was a mistake. She might be a bit freaked out and think that I might stalk her or something if she replied and gave me more information. One of the reasons I like to write another email to her is simply to say that I am not crazy and will never do a thing like that although not explicitly.

 

[click]

My exams are over and had some time to reflect on the issue. Just to keep things consistent I think it is best to post under this username. I haven't tried consuelling because I have the ability to overcome this urge if it must. i.e if she dosen't reply to another email I send her in the future, if that is to happen.

Counseling is good.

What I want to know are the reasons why she hasn't replied to my second email. I haven't sent her another one by the way.

If someone you meet over the internet says they've been watching you for years without you noticing them, would you reply?

And a bit embarrassed and so doesn't want to associate with me?

Why would she be embarrassed?

Another reason could be that she already has a boyfriend and sensed my intensions from my second email and so didn't want to associate with me anymore even though she liked me?

Your brain is trying to find excuses to avoid being disappointed. If you want the real answer, confront her directly.

But the thing is, I've always thought there was attraction between us even though we never spoked to each other before. But that could be my own illusion.

Why would there be any form of attraction between the two of you aside from infatuation when you never even talked?

 

[Moonbear]

My exams are over and had some time to reflect on the issue. Just to keep things consistent I think it is best to post under this username. I haven't tried consuelling because I have the ability to overcome this urge if it must. i.e if she dosen't reply to another email I send her in the future, if that is to happen.

The point of the counseling is to get you over these feelings you can't seem to get over yourself, not about whether you can keep yourself from contacting her...you obviously can't get her out of your head. And you're still putting conditions on everything..."if she doesn't reply to another email." She already didn't reply to the last one, you're finished, over, done, and you have to get that.

What I want to know are the reasons why she hasn't replied to my second email. I haven't sent her another one by the way.

She dosen't know me at all...

BINGO! Why should she reply or take an interest or even care? You're just some classmate from high school she wasn't even friends with. If you had been friends in high school, sure, it might have been cool to get in touch again if you're at the same college, but you weren't even friends in school. This is what you have to get, you are NOTHING to her...there's no reason for any of this other than you don't even cross her mind, you're just another face in the yearbook of people she never had a reason to want to know. Please, seek counseling. It is not healthy to have the sort of feelings you have for her running around your mind and not to be able to let go of them when she has given you NO reason to think it could ever lead to anything. How will you ever move forward into a normal, healthy relationship with an available, interested young lady when you still have this fictitious fantasy girl as the center of your desires?

In my second email, I told her that I had known her for 11 years. Maybe that was a mistake. She might be a bit freaked out and think that I might stalk her or something if she replied and gave me more information. One of the reasons I like to write another email to her is simply to say that I am not crazy and will never do a thing like that although not explicitly.

No, if you disappear again and leave her alone, she'll know you're not a stalker. If you start sending emails telling her you're not a stalker, then she'll be certain you are!

 

[ILEW]

Interesting, Moonbear. We didn't go to the same high school unfortunately. The other thing is even if she were to become interested, I wouldn't spend too much with her because I spend a lot of or basically all my time studying during semester. I was overloading last semester and even told her that, how stupid. I am planning to overload next semester as well as I am a bit of a workaholic or just a love of learning. Yet more reasons to stop this.

I was also thinking of telling her that I was a bit lost and out of my mind with my previous email and that I was just a bit too shy in the past and still is. But you might say that she already knew that especially the former and don't need me confirming it?

 

[sara_87]

ILEW do you really like this girl?
stupid question
of course you do, you're obsessed!
anyway if you truly love her and you only want the absolute best for her then i would advise you to stay away from her, and to move to a different area and forget about her so that she can live a nice happy life without the thought of someone stalking her... it can get very creepy!
i'm sure that you're a great person and all but try not to notice her just to make her happy, because that is what you truly want, no? you want what is best for her because you love her, yeah?
so do the right thing and never ever contact her or tell her your feelings about her, and especially don't tell her that you've known her for 10 years because that will only freak her out...
i would imagine that this is very hard for you but just try to ignore her and go out a little more... join some kind of club it will fill up your time so that you don't have to think about her so much, and it will give you an opportunity to socialise more
good luck!

(i don't know if someone else said this before because i didn't read all the posts properly, if they did sorry for repeating)

 

[ILEW]

ILEW do you really like this girl?
stupid question
of course you do, you're obsessed!
anyway if you truly love her and you only want the absolute best for her then i would advise you to stay away from her, and to move to a different area and forget about her so that she can live a nice happy life without the thought of someone stalking her... it can get very creepy!
i'm sure that you're a great person and all but try not to notice her just to make her happy, because that is what you truly want, no? you want what is best for her because you love her, yeah?
so do the right thing and never ever contact her or tell her your feelings about her, and especially don't tell her that you've known her for 10 years because that will only freak her out...
i would imagine that this is very hard for you but just try to ignore her and go out a little more... join some kind of club it will fill up your time so that you don't have to think about her so much, and it will give you an opportunity to socialise more
good luck!

(i don't know if someone else said this before because i didn't read all the posts properly, if they did sorry for repeating)

I am a pessimist and made things sound bad by using words like stalking. I don't know what is on her mind at all as I have never talked to her. I would never ever do such a thing and why would I? I'd go for the books instead.

Your talk of taking some kind of moral high ground has actually been on my mind in the past and one of the reasons why I use to avoid her. But recently things have been too overwhelming inside me, biologically and I just had to make a move. But things ended before it started.

 

[sara_87]

ILEW please re-read what some of the other people have said on here, some of it seems really good, because I'm not really one for giving advice
but what i do is that girls don't like it when they know that someone they barely know is really into them... freaky you know? lol
and it is clear that she doesn't want much to do with you since she didn't reply to your message... ok?
there are loads of other people out there; just try to move on now (it's about time) and try to forget about her and concentrate on your studies fully now (i think you already do this) try to socialise more as this will give you a chance to mix with new people and you can get a job... have a life... and without you noticing you'll forget about this girl and you would meet someone when you least expect it

try and imagine if it was the opposite... as in you once or twice looked at someone 10 years ago then some time later this random girl suddenly tells you that she's been in love with you for 10 years... what would you do/say? how would you feel?