I think a coworker likes me. I'm not sure how to proceed. (I like her too)

[Dembadon]

[...]

Man up ?

Precisely!

 

[lisab]

...Say "Hey Shirley (only say this if her name is Shirley, otherwise use her actual name)...

 

[dcm]

I agree, somewhat; the letter method is too indirect.

dcm,

The following would probably take all of 8 seconds, which isn't an awkward amount of time during a situation when she's leaving. If 8 seconds is too much of an inconvenience for her, then I'd say she's too busy for a relationship.

If it were me, I'd literally say, "Hi (so-and-so), I'd love to go to dinner/lunch/coffee (whatever's most appropriate) with you sometime."

<hand her your card and then continue>

"Give me a call if you like." Then smile.

The ball is in her court; she has your number and is not likely to feel stressed by the invitation if her schedule is full. You've also successfully communicated your interest without coming across as creepy or timid, and giving her your card maintains some semblance of professionalism while still letting her know that you're interested.

Thanks for this idea.

Dude this is a sorry situation! You have a personality disorder in the social area. You need to stop the excuses and thinking. I have a friend like you but maybe worse. A very good looking guy he is afraid of women to where he will hide behind me if one comes along who he feels might be available. He lives in a little house by himself. He's afraid to try anything new.
Just go up to her and if someone's in the way push them aside. Go like this- "Hi how you doing? I've noticed you obviously" Introduce yourself. Say "my name's... " what ever your name is. Then she should give her name "my name's Jane." If she doesn't give her name you say in your best Brooklyn Jewish accent "What you don't got a name?" But unless she's making fun of your shyness she'll give it. And if she is she'll stop with the flirtyness. Then you say " We should go out sometime. Want to go get some pizza?" ( Now! and not sometime next year. ) Keep her safety/comfort margin in mind. Don't be too foward or she might think you're a little scary. You can say "can I call you later to set up a time?" if that's necessary.
She accepts your offer for a date. Now your head is swimming. You're totally in love-can't concentrate so be careful you don't run into the light pole driving out of the lot. If it don't work out don't give it a second thought. Time makes anything okay. Think of a role model. Try Clint Eastwood. If he got shot down do you think he'd go into a depression? Act as if you go out on a different date three times a week. Capture that feeling and you'll tend to act that way and be at ease.
Women get flirty with me all the time. Just can't wait to be friends but when I suggest we go out they panic-usually because they're married. Then they stop their advances. Be prepared to talk about her interests when you go out. Don't talk about yourself. Yes a note on the windshield is creepy. Just as bad as her seeing you hiding behind a tree watching her. And be sure to keep us informed on how you're doing!

As far as a personality disorder in the social area, I agree with you. As I described in a couple other posts, I have recently ended a self imposed exile. I made a thread describing most of the details, you can read it if you dare.

The other bits of your posts, I somewhat agree with what you are saying. This woman and I are not strangers. We have chatted in the past, but mainly about job related things. So I do not need to approach her in the way I would with a complete stranger. My problem is, because I have not been in the loop for a while, I keep questioning whether or not I am misinterpreting her actions. I do this because I don't want to make the same kid mistakes I made (way back) in high school.

I'm sorry, I skimmed for the gist.
Is there a strict policy against dating coworkers? Usually not, just an unspoken understanding.

If there is no such policy, and you'd like to ask her out, just ask her out, man. Lord - she's waiting for you. Don't be a creep about it - that's sexual harassment, brotha.

Do you work the same shift? If not, do you ever come in after her?

I've got a few ideas:
1) Say "Hey Shirley (only say this if her name is Shirley, otherwise use her actual name), your friendly smile always brightens my day. Can I bring you something from Starbucks (or hopefully some better coffee joint) as a thank you?" Very unpresumptuous, and if she wants to pursue something with you, she'll take you up on the offer - even if she's not a coffee drinker maybe an "Oh a blueberry muffin would be great!" If she looks at you flatly and says "I don't drink coffee" while holding a cup in her hand - she's not that into you.

2) If you're ever getting off of work at the same time, time yourself to try to walk out with her and just say "I was thinking about grabbing something to eat at suchwhere place - do you have any plans? I'd love some company - my treat." Then when you get done eating, hand her the bill and say "I changed my mind - you're the one making all the money, boss lady. Then of course say "Just joking" - but don't pick it back up. Just joking...

3) This is the diplomatic way. Clearly articulatate that you understand that you are her subordinate by saying "Would it be impertinent for me to invite you to dinner some time?"

You've got to take the initiative - she's put all the signs out there that she's interested - at least as you've described them here. Best of luck to you.

I do not know if there is a policy against workplace friendship++. As I said before, there are coworkers there that are married. At least two pair that I know of.

We do not work the same shift.

1)This idea might not work. It is difficult to explain. Basically I only see her when she is leaving. If I offered to buy her some coffee, donuts, or whatever, how can I give it to her? Leave it in the refrigerator?

2)We work different shifts.

3)This might work, but I would prefer to use it an excuse as to why I waited so long to ask her out.

I understand I need to take the initiative. I fear that I am misinterpreting her, and will make a fool of myself. I made that mistake twice in high school, and I had to deal with that embarrassment during the entire school year(s). As an adult I'm sure I would just have to brush it off as nothing, but this is our workplace. To me, I feel this is an excuse, but I still see it as valid.

Have to agree here. In the past, I've often been one to write an actual handwritten letter; but if you don't know someone very well, that could definitely be misconstrued. Letters are for people in well established relationships.

Also, if your boss disapproves, you can be fired. And that's definitely not a cool way to meet someone.

Just so everyone knows, the content of the letter I was planning on sending through the mail was going to be humorous in nature. The goal was to get her to come and talk to me about the content, because I cannot go and talk to her. For example, I was not going to put some fourth grade "Do you like me? YES or NO or MAYBE". I was thinking more along the lines of "Could you explain your job title? Because for some reason I view it as this: [insert silly drawn picture]" with a smiley face.

Circumstances. There is no need for a letter if they see each other on a daily basis. Letter gives a clear signal there is something wrong with you - first of all, she would ask herself "Why letter and not just a talk, when I say Hi to him?" And remember girls/woman are much more sensitive to such things.

This is why I was against the letter, I did not want to appear more timid and unmanly than I have already shown. I want actually speak with her, but the only opportunity I have is to intercept her at the exit. Unless, I write her a letter to draw her out of the office, and she comes to speak to me.

So if he says he doesn't have time (courage) and/or is not available (willing) to do anything more than a smile and wave as she leaves in the afternoon, and letters are out, what's an appropriate course of action?

Man up ?

The whole point of this thread. I'm ready to man up, but there is still the worry of me possibly misinterpreting her. I don't know how to handle that. I won't fall into a depression as someone touched on, the concern is awkwardness after the fact.

Thanks for the replies, hopefully this isn't too long of a post to read. I tried to do something different than just rapid firing 5 or 6 consecutive replies.

 

[MATLABdude]

Unfortunately I am not a member of any groups of friends here. We are allowed 20 minutes for lunch, so going anywhere is pretty much a waste of valuable time. One has to drive all the out of the corporate park, then a half mile down a busy avenue for access to restaurants. We also do not work the same schedule. The end of her shift, is the middle of my shift.

My concern with intercepting her at the the exit is because I know her boss works 11hrs a day, and takes work home. I imagine she is putting in similar effort, since they leave at about the same time. I hope a letter through the mail isn't creepy. It appears to be the most effective way to communicate.

Why not go over to her on a day when it's sunny out, and invite her to go outside and enjoy that 20 minute lunch break outdoors? At the very least, it gets you out of the chair / cube / building. Unless you work in a bunker or Cheyenne Mountain or the Antarctic (or some such).

And then, if it gets more serious, consolidate your breaks (assuming you have coffee / smoke / etc.) Don't be creepy about it, and don't turn it into a date. At the very least, it might get you someone else to talk to at work.

 

[dcm]

Why not go over to her on a day when it's sunny out, and invite her to go outside and enjoy that 20 minute lunch break outdoors? At the very least, it gets you out of the chair / cube / building. Unless you work in a bunker or Cheyenne Mountain or the Antarctic (or some such).

And then, if it gets more serious, consolidate your breaks (assuming you have coffee / smoke / etc.) Don't be creepy about it, and don't turn it into a date. At the very least, it might get you someone else to talk to at work.

We work different shifts. During my first break, she is still working, during my second break, she has already gone home. We also do two completely different jobs, in different parts of the building. I only see her when she is leaving.

 

[Tregg Smith]

Thanks for this idea.



My problem is, because I have not been in the loop for a while, I keep questioning whether or not I am misinterpreting her actions. I do this because I don't want to make the same kid mistakes I made (way back) in high school.

You don't have no friggin problem! Just go ask her out for the pizza! If it don't work who gives a sxxx! It ain't no big deal! Act as though you do this sort of thing every other day!

 

[dcm]

I've decided to go with what lisab suggested, asking if she has a facebook page and would like to chat someday. On St. Patrick's day she told me she liked my green shirt as she was gliding towards the door. That was a huge missed opportunity.

Also, if she is interested, why won't she ask me for a chat? Could it be she is a wall-flower as turbo-1 says? We sat next to each other in a long meeting about six months ago. We did not speak at all. I wonder why when we are close, she is silent, but when far away, she is able to speak? I'll never forget that one day we had a party, she walks in the room, stares me right in the face for two seconds and doesn't say a word. I'm confused.

 

[bp_psy]

I'll never forget that one day we had a party, she walks in the room, stares me right in the face for two seconds and doesn't say a word. I'm confused.

She probably thought "Why does this wierdo stares me right in the face for two seconds and doesn't say a word. I'm confused."

 

[dcm]

She probably thought "Why does this wierdo stares me right in the face for two seconds and doesn't say a word. I'm confused."

Well, it has happened before, and the look on her face is like a deer in headlights. It is as if she doesn't know what to do for a second, then I either wave or smile.

 

[PhDorBust]

Don't worry about it. If it doesn't happen naturally, then it should not happen. There is nothing special about her. You are making her into this wonderful soul mate in your head while you don't really know her.

 

[dcm]

Don't worry about it. If it doesn't happen naturally, then it should not happen. There is nothing special about her. You are making her into this wonderful soul mate in your head while you don't really know her.

I've been thinking about that. Someone here in a different thread asked the OP why did he allow himself to become so enamored with a person he had not even had a conversation with yet. Then someone else mentioned something about placing imaginary value on a person. I think I'm going to shift my focus on chatting up random women in public places like a museum or something. I'll still ask her if she would like to chat online one day, but she hasn't spoken to me in two days. Maybe she doesn't like me anymore.

 

[mathwonk]

Maybe after a week of waiting she is giving up hope you will ever ask her out.

 

[dcm]

Maybe after a week of waiting she is giving up hope you will ever ask her out.

Well, if she is interested, why has she also waited this long to ask ME out? There is a lady on here that says she approached guys she was interested in by asking where the guy is taking her on Saturday night. Maybe she is shy? I'm not trying to absolve myself of my manly duties by expecting/waiting for her to make a move, but why would a woman wait this long? One would think if an assertive woman would just ask the guy, "hey, I've been dangling this carrot in front of your face for x amount of time, why do you not bite?"

 

[Math Is Hard]

Did you send the Facebook friend invitation yet?

 

[dcm]

Did you send the Facebook friend invitation yet?

No I did not. I wanted to ask her for her information first, instead of doing a random poke. I imagine that would be almost as creepy as writing a letter.

 

[DanP]

What's wrong with a plain old fashioned invitation to a coffee or a drink ? Look, if she says no to that, you don't have a chance in hell. If she comes and alludes to your friendship, you don't have a chance in hell either, so don't waste your time with her.

If all goes well, take it from there.

 

[Femme_physics]

hey I've asked a few girls out via facebook and they all worked out pretty well :)

Still waiting for my date invite and flight ticket... *taps foot*

 

[DanP]

Still waiting for my date invite and flight ticket... *taps foot*

Yeah, right. Cause it's like, every girl it;s a dream ... "My inner Cinderella...because every girl is a princess"

 

[Femme_physics]

Pretty much, you have no idea... (how bad this is)...lol

 

[Math Is Hard]

A safety handout from my university:

http://www.studentincrisis.ucla.edu/docs/911Guide.pdf

Listed under "Recognize Typical Stalking Behaviors" is "Notes on your car or at your residence".

 

[dcm]

A safety handout from my university:

http://www.studentincrisis.ucla.edu/docs/911Guide.pdf

Listed under "Recognize Typical Stalking Behaviors" is "Notes on your car or at your residence".

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad I never did that. She doesn't speak to me anymore anyway. I believe she was present during a meeting when the other VIPs decided I was not manly enough for a job promotion. They (two of them at once) said I was too nice a third said the customers would "eat him alive". The "eat him alive" comment was shared privately but someone was kind of enough to tell me about it. She has not spoken to me since.

 

[mathwonk]

I am concerned for you. You are asking for life advice from strangers on a website who have few qualifications to advise. However I am tempted to give some. The plot is thickening, i.e. you have shared that you may be losing both romantic and professional chances due to your perceived lack of aggressiveness.

You are a man like every other man in your group. You have as much ability as others, and apparently more integrity than many. Moreover you are appealing to your female friend as you have noticed. But you have not acted on this lead. Do not sell yourself short. You may be struggling with the same problem we all face in the world: how to forge ahead against competition while maintaining personal integrity.

The first step is faith in yourself. You have earned your current position by your ability and potential. What is the next step? I am reminded of a self help book I used to read that explored the fears we all have that hold us back. The one that resonated with me was the fear to stand up for oneself. Once you leave home, no one will stand up for you unless you do so yourself.

If you do not want to be side tracked in your job and your relationships, I encourage you to decide what you want, and then to ask for it. This is like a situation I encountered when my department Head declined to let me teach my specialty course, giving it instead to someone who did not have my expertise.

One Friday I made up my mind to make my case. After meditating on it over the weekend, I met the Head in the coffee room early Monday morning and made the argument that I was the local expert in the subject and I wanted the chance to teach the course. He gave it to me.

It is similar with women. Ask them to go out with you. And do your homework, plan a nice evening at a nice restaurant, or concert. Give me a break, if other guys can entertain a girl, you can too. At any rate you can learn to. Like everything else it takes practice, so give yourself some.

This is not a one way street, i.e. you also have something to offer. When you realize that you would not even have a job unless your company thinks you are worth more to them than they are paying you, you begin to understand the possibility of bargaining.

I used to think I was a microscopic particle and so lucky to have a job. Then i realized there was a reason they gave me the job instead of someone else. I asked for some percs and i got them. ... Give yourself a little more credit. Others will too.

 

[DanP]

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad I never did that. She doesn't speak to me anymore anyway. I believe she was present during a meeting when the other VIPs decided I was not manly enough for a job promotion. They (two of them at once) said I was too nice a third said the customers would "eat him alive". The "eat him alive" comment was shared privately but someone was kind of enough to tell me about it. She has not spoken to me since.

Why does she have to talk to you ? You go and talk to her. If you want something, go get it. And if you fail, well, who cares, at least you did something about it besides endless thinking.
You know that stupid cliche "nice guys finis last? " . Well, it's true, but not because the universe has a conspiracy against nice guys. Everybody and their mother would like someone who treats them nice as a partner. It's rather because most nice guys get their thoughts in a knot and do nothing about the situation at hand, too scared to do something for the fear of not hurting another person's feelings or themselves. The only thing this attitude gets you is That you get to remain "the nice guy". Go and eat them alive :P

 

[dcm]

I am concerned for you. You are asking for life advice from strangers on a website who have few qualifications to advise. However I am tempted to give some. The plot is thickening, i.e. you have shared that you may be losing both romantic and professional chances due to your perceived lack of aggressiveness.

You are a man like every other man in your group. You have as much ability as others, and apparently more integrity than many. Moreover you are appealing to your female friend as you have noticed. But you have not acted on this lead. Do not sell yourself short. You may be struggling with the same problem we all face in the world: how to forge ahead against competition while maintaining personal integrity.

The first step is faith in yourself. You have earned your current position by your ability and potential. What is the next step? I am reminded of a self help book I used to read that explored the fears we all have that hold us back. The one that resonated with me was the fear to stand up for oneself. Once you leave home, no one will stand up for you unless you do so yourself.

If you do not want to be side tracked in your job and your relationships, I encourage you to decide what you want, and then to ask for it. This is like a situation I encountered when my department Head declined to let me teach my specialty course, giving it instead to someone who did not have my expertise.

One Friday I made up my mind to make my case. After meditating on it over the weekend, I met the Head in the coffee room early Monday morning and made the argument that I was the local expert in the subject and I wanted the chance to teach the course. He gave it to me.

It is similar with women. Ask them to go out with you. And do your homework, plan a nice evening at a nice restaurant, or concert. Give me a break, if other guys can entertain a girl, you can too. At any rate you can learn to. Like everything else it takes practice, so give yourself some.

This is not a one way street, i.e. you also have something to offer. When you realize that you would not even have a job unless your company thinks you are worth more to them than they are paying you, you begin to understand the possibility of bargaining.

I used to think I was a microscopic particle and so lucky to have a job. Then i realized there was a reason they gave me the job instead of someone else. I asked for some percs and i got them. ... Give yourself a little more credit. Others will too.

Thanks for the kind words.

 

[paulojomaje]

what are U waiting for... If U really love her walk up to her and tell her cos the more U delay, it could be an opportunity lost.

 

[pergradus]

sounds like he already blew his chance...

If so, sorry. Just use this as a lesson that you shouldn't wait too long - it will make a girl think you're not interested in them.