My conversation with a six year old

[Math Is Hard]

Kids are hilarious, especially when they are eager to offer advice to complete strangers. This conversation took place in a Laundromat yesterday between a six-year-old girl and myself.

Me: (pulling old sweater from the dryer, noticing the thread pills that have formed)
Girl: If you have stuff on your clothes, you have to shake them out.
Me: (playing along) Like this? (giving the sweater a little shake)
Girl: No! You have to really shake it hard!
Me: oh, OK. (shaking sweater vigorously)
Girl: That’s better.
Me: (Pulling inside out sweater from dryer and starting to fold it)
Girl: No! The tag’s out. You have to turn it.
Me: ok, fine then (turning sweater right side out and then folding)
Girl: I saw Santa today. I took a picture with him.
Me: Oh, did you tell him what you wanted for Christmas?
Girl: Yes, two things. One is a game and one is something you ride.
Me: Great – I hope you get what you asked for.
Girl: Guess what it is?
Me: What?
Girl: The thing that you ride. It’s like a bike, but you push it with your foot.
Me: A scooter?
Girl: Yep!
(pause. I fold more laundry. Child is still watching me.)
Girl: Is your husband too lazy to help you with laundry?
Girl’s Mom: Amber!
Me: I don’t have a husband.
Girl: Why not?
Girl’s Mom: Amber!
Me: I don’t know. I’ve asked Santa for one every year.
Girl: Did you a take a picture with him?
Me: No.
Girl: Oh, that’s the problem. You should take a picture with him. You have to go to the mall we went to – mom, what mall did we go to?
Girl’s Mom: Westside Mall.
Girl: Westside Mall. You need to go and tell Santa you want a husband and then take a picture with him.
Me: OK, I’ll try to do that tomorrow.
Girl: What’s your name?
Me: Jessica.
Girl: I KNOW JESSICA! There’s a Jessica at my church, and three Jessicas at my school. There’s a Jessica next door to me and she has a cat. Do you have a cat?
Me: Yes.
Girl: Do you have a dog?
Me: No. Just one cat.
Girl: Why don’t you have a dog, too?
Me: The place I live in is too small to have a cat and a dog. Besides, they might fight with each other.
Girl: When I grow up I am going to have a cat and a dog and they won’t fight.
Me: Oh, are you going to teach them to be friends then?
Girl: Nooo! (rolls eyes at me) They’ll be brother and sister. The cat is the girl and the dog is the boy.

Obviously, I was too stupid to be benefited by any further advice from her. But she did give me a gracious smile and said goodbye to me before she and her mom left the Laundromat.

 

[zoobyshoe]

That's too hilarious! Brother and sister!

 

[Math Is Hard]

That's too hilarious! Brother and sister!

he he he That seems to be a misconception a lot of kids have. I think I thought the same thing when I was little.

The whole thing reminded me of one of Evo's conversations with her little neighbor boy, "Vermin", who used to pester her while she worked in the garden. Except this child was an adorable little cherub. I didn't mind talking with her at all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm on my way to the mall to get my picture taken with Santa.

 

[dduardo]

MIH, haven't you watched the show catdog?

http://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/nick/catdog-04.jpg

 

[Monique]

Do you have that television program in the US, where a host talks to children of that age? Hilarious!

One time the host asked a little girl whether she ever would be naughty to her parents, she said no, her brother who was sitting next to her said: sometimes she is! so the host asked her: really, never? and slowly you saw her face changing to a grimass and then she started crying.. yes, she said, sometimes she would be naughty, the host asked why, because sometimes she would not eat her sandwiches she said, the host asked why she did not like her sandwiches.. then sobbingly she cried out: because they put chocolate sprinkles on it!

Her reaction to something so trivial as chocolate sprinkles

 

[dduardo]

Yes, the show is called "Kids Say The Darndest Things" and it is hosted by Bill Cosby.

 

[Evo]

Yes, the show is called "Kids Say The Darndest Things" and it is hosted by Bill Cosby.

It was originally a segment on a show before you were born, hosted by Art Linkletter. I got to meet him when I was little, I had never met a famous tv personality before. I was impressed.

 

[zoobyshoe]

It was originally a segment on a show before you were born, hosted by Art Linkletter. I got to meet him when I was little, I had never met a famous tv personality before. I was impressed.

I missed the "Vermin" conversations. You remember what thread that was in?

 

[Gale]

MIH that's so cute! especially the brother and sister thing. Maybe that's common amongst little girls. when i babysat, the girls always wanted to pretend to be my sister. it was cute. Come to think, even when i played barbies, all my barbies were somehow related to each other. or related through a relationship, (barbie and ken... so some were ken's sisters, some were barbies sisters...)

 

[hypatia]

When I leave the house I always tell my dog to guard her brothers, the cats.
My Grandson was helping me plant seeds last spring, when we came across a birds nest, with babies in it. He then asked me if I had planted bird seed of course, I said yes.

 

[Averagesupernova]

Evo I have the book by Linkletter. You are probably in it. What did he ask you and what did you say? Well, he talked to LOTS of kids so probably not. But you never know.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Awww... When I worked at an art supply store I had this cute little girl that was probably about four or five come up to me and pull out her crayon sketch pad (the kind that are cardboard and you can erase the pictures on them) and she showed me all the pictures that she drew. I found that she had a very gorgeous mother with her who needed some help. So while I was helping her mom she showed me her pictures again. The mother then wanted some help with airbrush supplies which I knew little about so I took her to one of my co-workers who worked the airbrush counter. I stood by so that I could listen and learn some more about airbrushes for future reference. While I did the little girl continued to show me her drawings over and over again. Inbetween showings she would put away her little pad in the front pocket of her overalls and lean up against my leg while she listened to my co-worker talking to her mom. The little girl never said a word the whole time.
I've never forgotten about that little girl, she was so cute, and her mom, lordy lordy was she gorgeous.


But any way, yeah I think you should go to the mall, sit on Santa's lap, and tell him you want a husband for christmas.

 

[Cyrus]

I had a 4 year old over our house for dinner last night with his parents. He likes trains, so his mom asked me to take him to the basement and show him some toy trains (I have all my old toys in boxes in my basement still). He's been slow to start talking, so he's in a speech class. But he’s so cute to hear speak. "This is a train." "I’m pushing the train." "Let's play with this toy!" He speaks in sentences like he's reading them from a book. Then I had a play mobile fort, and he was looking at all the pieces. I showed him a canoe, and he said "KA-NUUUUUU." I showed him a little pitcher, and he was like pict-ureee, and I was like no, pitCHHHerrr, and he was trying so hard. He kept saying, piTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHCHHHHHHHHHHHHH errrr. Too cute.
Also, my mom was on the phone with her friend. Her friends son over hears his mom talking to my mom and asks, " is that tall guy coming to our house for Christmas? HE IS!? I’m going to FIGHT HIM!" So now I'm going to get beat up by a 5 year old on x-mas. Little kids are hilarious.

 

[Moonbear]

That's so cute! Now I know what I've been doing wrong. I didn't have my picture taken with Santa either. If only I knew it was so easy to get a husband. (I love how she said, "Is your husband too lazy to help with laundry?" )

 

[Averagesupernova]

Jeez I should go sit on Santas lap and ask him to send a nice gal my way. I got to admit I'm feeling a bit lonely these days myself. Although I don't know how it would look with me sitting on Santas lap.

 

[Moonbear]

Jeez I should go sit on Santas lap and ask him to send a nice gal my way. I got to admit I'm feeling a bit lonely these days myself. Although I don't know how it would look me sitting on Santas lap.

I suspect it's a better experience for us women to sit on Santa's lap and ask for a man.

 

[Averagesupernova]

I suspected as much.

 

[Math Is Hard]

@ dduardo, Monique, Evo and AverageSuperaNova: I’ve only seen one episode of Catdog, unfortunately. I don’t have cable. I thought it was brilliant, though. I remember cat and dog were joined at the middle, but I didn’t realize there was any sibling relationship! I have seen a couple of Bill Cosby’s “Kid’s Say the Darndest Things”, but I don’t think they were quite as hilarious as the repeats I’ve seen of the Art Linkletter original show. I used to have his book, too. The funniest responses from the kids were when they would say something that would mortify their parents. Heh heh heh

@Zoob: I don’t remember which thread Vermin showed up in. I think there were a couple. His real name was Vernon, but he was definitely a garden pest.

@gale: Wow – your Barbies were really nice to each other. Mine were more spiteful. Of course, I had five Barbies and only one Ken, so there was competition for a limited resource involved.

@ hypatia: Birdseed? Oh, how sweet! I love how little kids use logic, and how completely honest they are.

@ TSA: see, the ladies of all ages find you irresistible! :!) That reminds me of the time I brought my boyfriend home when my sister was about 4. She kept toddling over to him and patting his knee and smiling at him. Totally hitting on my guy!

@ Cyrusabdollahi: That’s hilarious! I hope you are working out! Could be big trouble!

@Moonbear: Do you think it could have been that simple? Hey, I’m not taking any chances – even if did have to put up with a little squeeze and tickle from the pervy mall Santa!

 

[-Job-]

I remember seeing Bill Cosby's version. I always thought it was funny when 4 or 5 year olds would start out with things like "when i was a kid..." or "when i was young".

 

[Gale]

@gale: Wow – your Barbies were really nice to each other. Mine were more spiteful. Of course, I had five Barbies and only one Ken, so there was competition for a limited resource involved.

hahaha, same here actually. one ken and... 5 barbies... haha, weird. actually i had 3 barbies and two theresas. i never liked the barbies much, (i'm a brunette) but my first doll was a barbie, as was my second. One was Ms. America Barbie, so she was older than the others, so she became a mum. my other barbie i broke on accident and didn't play with much after that, but she was ms. america's disabled daughter. Then i got theresa, so she and the daughter were friends, but then i got another theresa, (who i named patricia cause you can't have dolls with the same name!) and a ken, (Cool Shaving fun ken, OH YAH! he was hot!) and he looked a lot like patricia, so i made them siblings. but i only had one mum barbie, so ms. america became their mum too. Then theresa dated ken, and became best friends with patricia, and i'd sometimes play with the mum, but she was kinda snooty, (ms. america and all) so she just kinda sat around and said pleasant things and looked pretty... her disabled daughter was always in the hospital or something. Finally i got Vet Barbie.. who was blonde, and was only seen when ken, (who i just remembered wasn't named ken, i renamed him... umm.. joel? cause my sister's ken doll was named ken, no same names) and theresa's puppy or kitten got sick.

Anyway, yep, they all lived quite happily. i really loved my patricia though, and always felt bad that she didn't have a boyfriend. sometimes i'd steal my sister's extra ken doll, but then he and patricia would date, but they'd always break up when my sister stole him back. Mr. right was out there somewhere though. Her brother and theresa always let her tag along though, oh yeah! and then theresa and jared actually i think it was, had a baby. His name was sam, and patricia got to baby sit a lot. she loved kiddies! and then grandma got into playing a lot more too, (i lost her ms. america uniform, so she looked less prestigious and more playful.) and she'd and patricia would play fun stuff while theresa and jared were out and about.

 

[Mk]

@gale: Wow – your Barbies were really nice to each other. Mine were more spiteful. Of course, I had five Barbies and only one Ken, so there was competition for a limited resource involved.

They continue to reject the idea that they can't all share.

 

[QuantumTheory]

To the author: Is your name really Jessica? So I assume you're a women? I'm a bit confused why she asked if you had a husband..

 

[Math Is Hard]

I remember seeing Bill Cosby's version. I always thought it was funny when 4 or 5 year olds would start out with things like "when i was a kid..." or "when i was young".

LOL! I totally forgot about that. Yeah, kids do that all the time. My brother used to say that when he was about five.. "when I was little.."

Anyway, yep, they all lived quite happily.

Wow, Gale! Your Barbies had such complex lives. I needed to draw an org chart to keep it all straight. What an imaginative kid you were! I think that's very cool. I never put that much thought into it. Well, except for the time Barbie IV was dating Ken and talking trash about the other Barbies. She ended up strapped to an ant hill and covered with honey. Poor thing.

They continue to reject the idea that they can't all share.

Trust me. Ken didn't have a lot of love to go around. I've seen him naked.

To the author: Is your name really Jessica? So I assume you're a women? I'm a bit confused why she asked if you had a husband..

Yes, I'm really a woman and a Jessica. The little girl thought that because I was a grown up woman that I must certainly have a husband - so where was he? I remember when I was a kid, my mom would introduce me to married couples and the first thing I would ask is "where are your children". That's just the way my logic worked at that time: husband + wife = kids.
Kids have their own special logic.

 

[Gale]

LOL! I totally forgot about that. Yeah, kids do that all the time. My brother used to say that when he was about five.. "when I was little.."
Wow, Gale! Your Barbies had such complex lives. I needed to draw an org chart to keep it all straight. What an imaginative kid you were! I think that's very cool. I never put that much thought into it. Well, except for the time Barbie IV was dating Ken and talking trash about the other Barbies. She ended up strapped to an ant hill and covered with honey. Poor thing.
Trust me. Ken didn't have a lot of love to go around. I've seen him naked.
Yes, I'm really a woman and a Jessica. The little girl thought that because I was a grown up woman that I must certainly have a husband - so where was he? I remember when I was a kid, my mom would introduce me to married couples and the first thing I would ask is "where are your children". That's just the way my logic worked at that time: husband + wife = kids.
Kids have their own special logic.

Kids logic was the best. I was always really complex though. I overthank everything! i remember one time, it was raining really really hard, and my siblings and i were scared our house would flood. so my sister, (5 years older than me, probably like 11ish at the time,) suggested we all go upstairs and onto my bunkbed. the highest place would be safest. then, the 4 of us are huddled on my bed, and i get to thinking... if the rains falls from the sky... won't it hit us first if we're in the highest place? and then, the whole upper floor will fill first, until finally it sinks to the lower floors. I explained this too my siblings, and we immediately decided that the basement was the safest place to be in case of a flood. i believe i eventually realized the truth of the situation a bit later, and we all returned to my bed, with my sister at first feeling superior, (cause she was right) until i asked her why she believed my idea in the first place. she shut up.

At any rate, as far as barbies went... my little sister would get really peeved when we'd play... i'd always make her set up the scene before we began, and explain what all her characters were doing together. and then we had to pic a theme for the days adventure, and then set everything up accordingly. She'd usually quit before i'd even finished building my house. she'd come back later though... she always came back. and boy was she jealous of my scenery and storyline then! oh yes!

 

[emrandel]

Naturally one would assume, because they are young their mind is clear of corruption and they can easily and truthfully evaluate a situation. One is wrong. In this horrible world we live in there are so many negative influences on ones mind that any "genius" that was to be born and raised who could of changed the world was probably lost in the world of media and other bull ****.

FIGHT THE MAN! FREE YOUR MIND!

 

[zoobyshoe]

My Grandson was helping me plant seeds last spring, when we came across a birds nest, with babies in it. He then asked me if I had planted bird seed of course, I said yes.

Pretty hilarious. I love the logic.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Kids logic was the best.

I think the age of five was when I was at my most intellectually honest. It's been all downhill from there.

I explained this too my siblings, and we immediately decided that the basement was the safest place to be in case of a flood.

You're killing me, Gale!

 

[Bladibla]

Kids arn't cute. Polar bear cubs are.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

That reminds me of the time I brought my boyfriend home when my sister was about 4. She kept toddling over to him and patting his knee and smiling at him. Totally hitting on my guy!
__________________________

Wow – your Barbies were really nice to each other. Mine were more spiteful. Of course, I had five Barbies and only one Ken, so there was competition for a limited resource involved.

I'm beginning to think that this sort of thing is genetically programmed into women.
I had the unfortunate experience of watching a dating show on MTV. It involved five women/men who waited in a tour bus whiel one of them went out and hung out with the one male/female who was the date. The whole scenario isn't important to what I'm getting at though. When the guys were in there they all hung out and became friends and may have made some friendly competitive comments but the women... The women were always nice to one another until one of them left then the four still in the bus would immediately start talking trash on who ever just left. It reenforced my perception of women being evil.

 

[Math Is Hard]

It reenforced my perception of women being evil.

I think I agree with you on this. wow. I'm evil. I think I really hate myself now.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I think I agree with you on this. wow. I'm evil. I think I really hate myself now.

Start a thread: "I'm evil and I really hate myself now."

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I think I agree with you on this. wow. I'm evil. I think I really hate myself now.

Glad I could help you out with that.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Start a thread: "I'm evil and I really hate myself now."

Tempting. Very tempting.

 

[Math Is Hard]

I had to follow up my Santa visit with an email - just for good measure. I wanted to be very, very clear about my list this year. So I went to this wonderful site, www.emailsanta.com. Santa wrote me back within seconds. Here's what he had to say:

HO! Ho! ho! Jessica!
Thank you for sending me your email all the way from California! HO! Ho! ho! We get wonderful Christmas emails from boys and girls around the world but everyone at the North Pole sure gets excited when we get one from you Jessica!

Sorry the presents the last little while probably haven't been quite as exciting as they were when you were a little girl but, well, you know how these things go (*wink*). Anyway, Santa's glad to see some of the 'older kids' (not to mention anyone in particular!) still take the time to write. I also hear you've been a sort of good girl. (Of course, you won't mind if I do a little checking, will you?)

Let's see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. husband; 2. trip to hawaii and; 3. box of nirvana chocolates. HO! Ho! ho! Well that *would* be quite a present if I brought you a husband for Christmas! But, as you know, that's one present the elves can't make -- and anyway the last time I stuck a new husband in my toy sack to deliver Christmas Eve they weren't too happy with me by the time I dropped them down the chimney! (Besides, I know you're going to find a very nice husband all on your own without any help from me.)

HO! Ho! ho! Rudolph wants to take me for another test ride in the sleigh so I better get going! The new sleigh is 'Internet-equipped' so I can even send & receive emails Christmas Eve! I hope you'll come back to EmailSanta.com Christmas Eve to watch me go around the world! Take care Jessica and don't forget to come back and visit me here at EmailSanta.com on Christmas Eve! And remember... only 6 more sleeps until Christmas!

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

 

[zoobyshoe]

I can't believe how many times that vile, obese pervert called you a "ho".