My potential supervisor is SO hot

[MarcoD]

maybe it wasn't that smart to let your feelings guide you?

 

[nucleargirl]

Any advice on how to get on with quite a macho Aussie guy on a platonic level?

 

[netgypsy]

Talk to people who have had him as a supervisor before and find out everything there is to know. Don't you have a university adviser? Talk to them too. You can also talk to others in his department - TA's for example. In the meantime think about him as an uncle you are being farmed off to as an apprentice. Do your best but act confidant. Don't let him see you sweat. If he were your uncle you'd be polite and pleasant just because he's family and just remember - this is temporary so if your best isn't good enough - too bad. It won't last forever and in the grand scheme of things it's not a really big deal. But do everything you can to get along while preserving your self esteem. It's so much easier to work with someone who doesn't dislike you, but you'll survive regardless. Good luck and keep us posted. We've all been there at one time or another.

 

[nucleargirl]

Yeah... about that, I think another girl tried to give me words of wisdom about him... but somehow I manage to hear it, realize its importance, and then completely forget what she said. Yeah, it was my first day so I was trying to observe more than show them who I was. Which came off as me being a push over and having zero personality. Gonna try to change this tomorrow.

 

[MarcoD]

Well, you have two choices. Either you go on aggressively pursuing him, with a maybe -but improbable- ROI of ending up with a nice guy and maybe lots of babies. Or you just concentrate on work.

His disinterest might be genuine, there's work to be done, and you might just not be high on his scale of priorities.

(I guess I am a bit rude, this is a bit shock therapy. But from all you've stated, you're taking a very active interest in somebody. Maybe it will help if you find out what you want to do with it. And maybe it won't matter much.)

 

[nucleargirl]

oh how true it is that there is a thin line between love and hate... These two days have taught me so much about myself, about my judgement, and about human nature.
I suppose it is what I was looking for. I need this lesson.

I was too quick to judge. and got it entirely wrong in every possible way. But I am not fazed by it. I still believe I can change this situation.

I think, patience, being as fair and treating everyone equally, sensitivity, not being judgemental, letting others live their lives as long as it doesn't harm others, and speaking out tactfully if they do. These would be my greatest assets in the coming weeks. It would be the ideal situation to improve myself. I would need every single one just to stay sane. Plus, I enjoy a challenge.

I need to be more than what others have given. I think this type of behaviour is the result of some trauma in his past. I don't understand why a man would want to objectify women, make rather crude remarks, and surround themselves with clones. I can only justify this with a sense of fear. Of making-do. of disillusionment. I think I still have enough hopes for more than one person.

At least today I got a slight display of gratitude. I don't know why, perhaps it was for his own benefit, but I will take it. Perhaps my strategy is working? maybe not. I think I cannot manipulate any care or sympathy, and I suppose I don't want to do that in being helpless.

I want to gain respect from my integrity, from my patience, from being unjudgemental when so many are quick to judge. I want to gain respect from speaking out when others are afraid to do so. Of course I will do this as tactfully as I can because I do not want to add to the distress. I will do all I can to solve my own problems.

I suppose I want to change them with kindness. I shall try.

 

[turbo]

Please back off. If you are serious about your academic performance, you will be hands-off with your supervisors and collaborators. Professionalism doesn't magically start when you get into the private sector. Wishing you well.

 

[nucleargirl]

I don't think this guy is unreasonable. A lot stuck in his ways I think, but not unkind.
I don't think going head to head would work in this case, he's much too stuck in his niche. Perhaps it will all be for nothing. I wonder how many have tried before me. But he's never met me before. perhaps I am nothing special. but I will try. Even if it does not change him, to be able to stick to my own beliefs would be good enough for me.

 

[nucleargirl]

Please back off. If you are serious about your academic performance, you will be hands-off with your supervisors and collaborators. Professionalism doesn't magically start when you get into the private sector. Wishing you well.

I appreciate it. But I can't just sit back and watch like everyone else. How else would he have turned out this way? they all ***** behind his back but no one does anything to his face. no wonder he has surrounded himself with others who are the same. Its about time I improved my kindness anyway, I don't think I have enough.

 

[nucleargirl]

If I am kind, surely he would not want to see me unhappy?
I cannot be like him to get him on my side. I cannot join them, nor do I want to. Being professional is what everyone is doing. but I think what he needs is someone who cares.

But caring has its boundaries. I cannot be a push over. That would not do anyone any good. I have to also focus on my project. do well in this. I don't know. maybe I am too optimistic right now. If two weeks and no improvement. then I will change supervisors.

 

[netgypsy]

"If I am kind, surely he would not want to see me unhappy?" It quite depends on whether he sees kindness as weakness which he can exploit. He may be a decent person, he may not. If he's not, he really won't care if you're unhappy or not because he'll be feeding his own ego.

Your self respect, integrity and whether you can optimize your learning in this situation is very crucial. You can't "change" people but you can direct or channel their inherent nature. Be very careful here. And honestly, if you speak to him privately I'd record your conversation if it's legal where you live. It is in some places, not in others. For example it's not legal in Florida but I believe it is in South Carolina. I'm sure you know how to record with a cell phone. If you can't record, you can dial a friend, put the phone on mute and put it on speaker so you have a witness.

I'm getting bad vibes from your situation. Again BE CAREFUL! Ask around about this guy. Someone will tell you what he's really like and let's hope he's OK. Keep us posted.

 

[nucleargirl]

ah... who am I kidding... I still like the guy. probably giving him an inner personality that he doesn't have. I know that previous students have had problems with him before... why do I think I stand a chance? I guess I just want it to be true, a lot.

 

[netgypsy]

Reminds me of a story I heard once, long ago.
A woman had a serious crush on Mick Jagger (famous rock singer in case you haven't heard of him). Every guy she dated always fell short of her image. She'd tell her friends - "He's fine but he's not Mick Jagger".

Well amazingly enough she actually had the opportunity to go out with the REAL Mick Jagger. The next day she told her friends "He was nice, but he wasn't Mick Jagger".

Reality seldom equals fantasy :-)

 

[Borek]

I still believe I can change this situation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

 

[nucleargirl]

Thank you so much Borek. That has really opened my eyes. I did not realize how bad it was! I think he's a bit narcissistic, and I have made myself compatible with that because I am in a dependent situation on him. This is a problem! I don't have a desk, so everyday the first thing I do is go see him and ask what he has planned for me for the day. not cool. I need my own space as right now I feel lost, and don't belong anywhere. it also makes getting to know other people difficult cos I am either with him or in the library on my own. its very unequal right now.

 

[nucleargirl]

yeah I should set some boundaries. if he doesn't want to be friendly, maybe I should stop trying to make him a friend. First priority is my project and my degree, if I do well, that is going to stay with me. Second is to get to know more people in the lab and see how things work in science. maybe make a few friends along the way. Thirdly is to get chummy with my supervisor, it takes two to do that. if he's not up for it, then I have limited time to try to make it work - I have other things to do as well. It makes sense, he has to mark my project so maybe he needs to be impartial and distant. I want to be closer so I can get more help from him. But I can get the help I need even if I keep my distance. I don't know, its difficult to strike a balance. I will see how it goes next week. But thanks for bringing this to my attention Borek!

 

[chiro]

yeah I should set some boundaries. if he doesn't want to be friendly, maybe I should stop trying to make him a friend. First priority is my project and my degree, if I do well, that is going to stay with me. Second is to get to know more people in the lab and see how things work in science. maybe make a few friends along the way. Thirdly is to get chummy with my supervisor, it takes two to do that. if he's not up for it, then I have limited time to try to make it work - I have other things to do as well. It makes sense, he has to mark my project so maybe he needs to be impartial and distant. I want to be closer so I can get more help from him. But I can get the help I need even if I keep my distance. I don't know, its difficult to strike a balance. I will see how it goes next week. But thanks for bringing this to my attention Borek!

I'm not a relationship expert or anything of the sort, but I can see you having problems you are trying have a kind of 'friendship' in the type of environment you are in.

This is just my opinion (IMO), but the best way IMO to to do this is just to act in a professional capacity.

Now the word 'professional' is often misused and misunderstood but by this I mean that you deal with him strictly on a basis that all understanding is out in the open, all expectations are out in the open, and that everyone is aware of their obligations, rights, responsibilities and other things that may be 'taken for granted'.

To me this is what distinguishes a professional from a non-professional: a professional has been in the game long enough to know that if things aren't made absolutely crystal clear in the beginning then the omissions end up turning into something sour. To a non-professional it might be interpreted as overkill, 'being mean or unfriendly', being 'too demanding', 'micromanaging' or something else but the fact is that when everything is on the table, no one can complain later (or at least if they do complain, you can point it out).

The process do to this in terms of specifics will ultimately depend on the people involved, the nature of the work, the nature of the workplace among other things but I still think my advice can be useful for obtaining more specifics.

The final thing I want to mention is to realize that the nature of the job often affects the personality of the person at work (not necessarily outside of work though).

Your supervisor probably has had a lot of experience dealing with people and over time may have come to the conclusion of being impartial and distant. Maybe the nature of science has forced him to become that way so that he does his job in a professional manner. If he is a busy man who comes in frequent contact with many people and is extremely busy, then impartiality might actually be a necessity to do the job effectively and to communicate with other people with different roles and backgrounds.

I have noticed that there are reasons why, at least, I observe some people to not be 'friendly' or 'distant' or something else and sometimes its not for the reason that they are 'cold' or 'unsocial' or something else along those lines.

Don't beat yourself up about it though, you may end up being the same and later realize why people in the kind of job, in the kind of workplace, with the kind of responsibilities actually act like this: life is all about learning and I gaurantee that you are placed in this situation to learn, just like the rest of us! :)

 

[nucleargirl]

Now the word 'professional' is often misused and misunderstood but by this I mean that you deal with him strictly on a basis that all understanding is out in the open, all expectations are out in the open, and that everyone is aware of their obligations, rights, responsibilities and other things that may be 'taken for granted'.

Yeah, I think you are right, I need to lay everything out in the open so we both know what we expect from each other. Thats one of the problems - we haven't actually talked out the timeline for the project and what's actually involved. so I feel a bit in the dark.

life is all about learning and I gaurantee that you are placed in this situation to learn, just like the rest of us! :)

Yeah, that's for sure!

You know, I never realized how difficult it can get in life. I know its probably not even that difficult for me right now and its just going to get tougher. But I'm feeling quite vulnerable! I think this is what I need - you need to feel vulnerable to start getting tough.

I think I need to stand up for myself. simply because its a competitive tough world and no-one else is going to stand up for me if I don't.

 

[nucleargirl]

...
I suppose it wasn't such a great idea... I guess I just made life really difficult for myself by choosing this project. Its so hard to feel OK when I'm there.
I feel so stupid!
like everything I do is stupid!
I don't know...
I don't like this.
Why!
its so pathetic.

SOOOO pathetic!

I don't want to make it obvious, but I think everything I do and say is making it more than obvious. I can't even hide it.
I've tried to not feel this way. I need to try harder. Cut it out!
What am I thinking? Do I really think there is a possibility? Is there a future to this? What am I looking for? What am I doing?! It makes no sense! I feel like everyone who can see is seeing everything. And they either feel sorry for me or they are having a lot of fun watching me. I have to focus. I lost my focus today.
Focus on my work. But its so difficult when he comes into the room!

I need to lighten up. too much stress lately.

 

[jim hardy]

take heart you are far from the first.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/?tag=pfamazon01-20

 

[Borek]

Oh come on, now you are just whining. Stop it and focus on what you are expected to be doing.

 

[chiro]

...
I suppose it wasn't such a great idea... I guess I just made life really difficult for myself by choosing this project. Its so hard to feel OK when I'm there.
I feel so stupid!
like everything I do is stupid!
I don't know...
I don't like this.
Why!
its so pathetic.

SOOOO pathetic!

I don't want to make it obvious, but I think everything I do and say is making it more than obvious. I can't even hide it.
I've tried to not feel this way. I need to try harder. Cut it out!
What am I thinking? Do I really think there is a possibility? Is there a future to this? What am I looking for? What am I doing?! It makes no sense! I feel like everyone who can see is seeing everything. And they either feel sorry for me or they are having a lot of fun watching me. I have to focus. I lost my focus today.
Focus on my work. But its so difficult when he comes into the room!

I need to lighten up. too much stress lately.

Just to put things into perspective, I'm sure you will find that we all have done things in some way or another that is similar to your story.

I've made a fool of myself in the past so many times that I tend to not really worry about it anymore. You just get to the point where you laugh at yourself and move on, and if the experience was painful in some way, you tend not to do it again.

You know, in a way I think it's good that people like you and me go through stuff like this: people are afraid to look stupid but the thing is that in the end it doesn't really matter and soon enough people will move on: we all do.

Just keep your head up high, because when this happens again you'll have an advantage that a lot of people won't have: you'll be able to deal with it effectively over those who are afraid to take a risk or two and worry about what everyone thinks to a point where they become paralyzed.

 

[mathwonk]

i suggest you transfer advisors.

 

[nucleargirl]

he smiled at me today... ))))

 

[CaptFirePanda]

He's plotting something nefarious.

 

[nucleargirl]

can't be... he looks so kind when he smiles!

 

[Jack21222]

Somebody in this thread really likes being the center of attention...

 

[netgypsy]

And somebody in this thread is unnecessarily judgmental.

 

[nucleargirl]

we all like to be at the centre of attention. its ok :)

 

[Choppy]

I know the last update to this thread was a few weeks ago, but having skimmed through the posts I'm not sure anyone has pointed out that even if this supervisor had a reciprocated interest in Nucleargirl, he CAN'T act on it.

He CAN'T flirt with you.

He CAN'T pursue a relationship (beyond student-supervisor) with you.

He CAN'T treat you any different than he would any of his other students.

If he does, he's placing his career at risk, he's potentially breaking the law, he's opening himself up to a civil lawsuit, and perhaps most importantly, he's morally putting himself at the advantage of a power differential.

Note that I'm not saying that student-supervisor relationships never happen, nor am I saying that when they do happen they are always the result of malicious intent. From his point of view, however, this is a very dangerous game with serious consequences.

My advice: if you really like the guy just wait until you're no longer a student and then ask him out.

 

[mathwonk]

To put it another way, it has been noticed that supervisors do not always look as hot after they are no longer supervisors.

 

[gentryliving]

You are more interested on the person not the project. Focus girl!

 

[nucleargirl]

I know... its so bad... and the thing is, I think some other girls might be jealous of me... they're being bloody b**ches!

 

[nucleargirl]

really, some of the girls in lab are so b**chy... disappointing. I guess I should just ignore them.

 

[chiro]

really, some of the girls in lab are so b**chy... disappointing. I guess I should just ignore them.

Write a diary of your experiences, change the names and create a soap opera.

Call it something like: "Higher Learning" and air it at mid-day just after the Oprah, Days of Our Lives, and Hawaii-Five-O reruns.