Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name

[Astronuc]

Hollywood Lessons

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

[rocketboy]

This is a bad thread to be reading at work... I had to stop after almost bursting out laughing multiple times during Astronuc's "headlines" post.

Thus i have come up with a new term to replace "lol"...behold... BOL!

 

[Astronuc]

Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me

Host: Peter Sagal

Official Judge and Scorekeeper: Carl Kasell
http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=35

This is a special best-of Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me. This week, we're featuring the contributions of our roster of panelists...

Before We Ask, Adam Felber Knows
"Are you going to buy that, or are you just happy to see me?"; What was this guy hiding in his underwear?; Clay Aiken fans who feel cheated may be just clueless; Uzbekistan says no to really comfy underwear.

When Panelists Have No Idea What We're Talking About
The spy who came in from the mantle of the Earth; the state of Florida wants to know how far your roommate will go to get medical insurance.

 

[Astronuc]

Occupational Descriptions

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a brief (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think he/she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

 

[Astronuc]

How Superman Should Have Ended
[MEDIA=youtube]eBsD1xIpJUI[/MEDIA][/URL] :smile:

 

[Astronuc]

Things My Mother Taught Me
by unknown

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning the house!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't sort yourself out, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week"

My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 - "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!">

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Sent to me by a mom.

 

[Astronuc]

For those who like Puns.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large
number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

 

[Astronuc]

Australian Citizenship Test

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to
qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your
cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you
could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In
40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues
fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?


11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the
beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to
England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana traveling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint into John Howard and hope that he answers it
personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer
the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for
the third umpire decisions in the latter...

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricket’s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?


Your Score ______.

 

[fourier jr]

Our Morning Prayer

Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever,

Amen.

Big Daddy's Rap
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin,
So be yo hood.
You be sayin it, I be doing it
In this here hood and yo's.
Gimme some eats,
And cut me some slack,
Sos I be doing it to dem dat diss me.
Don't be pushing me into no jive,
And keep dem Crips away.
'Cause you always be da Man.

-- Aaa-mén

 

[Astronuc]

This has been passed around the internet.

A few new twists to the ever-popular: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side" of the road. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C ... Reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


MAYBE that's where the rooster was?

 

[Evo]

This has been passed around the internet.

A few new twists to the ever-popular: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side" of the road. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C ... Reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


MAYBE that's where the rooster was?

Those are great!

 

[Astronuc]

http://www.horseway.se/images/always28.jpg

http://www.horseway.se/images/always25.jpg

http://www.horseway.se/images/always14.jpg

http://www.horseway.se/images/always1.jpg cute

Believe in yourself.
http://www.horseway.se/images/always2.jpg

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Sorry if any of these were already posted.

What's a synonym for cinnamon?
What's another word that means synonym?
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
If G-d meant for us to go around naked, we'd have been born that way.
How come we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?

 

[Astronuc]

I've seen some of these before. I'm sure they get copied and distributed around the internet.

Quotes from Real Resumes and Cover Letters:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possesses no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: Often. Children: Various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."


These quotes were taken from actual Performance Appraisals:
Thanks to Jeff Parsons for sending new ones along, Nov. 15, 2006.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young person has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but without the plastic thingie to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
31. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. He's so dense, light bends around him.
4. Bright as Alaska in December.

 

[Astronuc]

I will attempt to outdo Gokul.


What do you call the prodigal son who keeps returning?



The periodical son.

<Groan>

 

[Astronuc]

. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

· Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

· The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

· To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

· When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

· The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

· A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

· A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

· Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

· We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

· When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. For MIH.

· The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

· The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

· The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

· If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

· A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

· What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

· A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

· Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

· A backward poet writes inverse.

· In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

· A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

· With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

· Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

· When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

· The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

· A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

· You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

· He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

· A calendar's days are numbered.

· A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

· A boiled egg is hard to beat.

· He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

· A plateau is a high form of flattery.

· Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

· When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

· When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

· Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

· Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

· Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

[Kurdt]

This last set you've put up remind me of comedian Tim Vine's comedy style. Are they attributed to anyone Astro or just a random collection?

 

[Astronuc]

Someone in my office had a copy so I appropriated it.

 

[Kurdt]

Someone in my office had a copy so I appropriated it.

They're very good, I love a good pun

I'll have to remember some.

 

[edward]

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

This one cracks me up.

Did anyone list, what do you call a boomerang that won't come back? Answer: A stick.

 

[verty]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Astronuc]

This is a good one - by a physicist from Oxford no less

Todd's Pun

 

[Moonbear]

I love that list of performance reviews:

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

I've known employees like that!

and

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

Yep, definitely have met a few of those too!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Ah, ba ba ba ba bomb Iran
Ba ba ba ba bomb Iran

Oh bomb Iran, that is the plan
bomb Iran
You got me lockin and loadin
piling up the missiles
bomb Iran ba ba
bomb bomb Iran

Went to a Iraq, lookin for a fight
Thought I’d bomb Iran, so I think I’ll take flight
With bomb Iran, bomb bomb
bomb bomb Iran
You got me lockin and loadin
piling up the missiles
bomb Iran ba ba
bomb bomb Iran

Went to Iraq
Afghanistan too
Thought of Syria
But I knew it wouldn't do
bomb Iran, bomb Iran
We'll take your land
bomb Iran
Here’s the plan
You got me lockin and loadin
piling up the missiles
bomb Iran ba ba
bomb bomb Iran

 

[Moonbear]

What a Dummy!

These three guys go down to Mexico one night and
get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they
are to be executed for their crimes but none of them
can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if he has any last words. He says,
"I am from the University of Notre Dame School of
Theology and I believe in the almighty power of God
to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure
God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words.
"I am from the University of Notre Dame School of Law
and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to
intervene on the part of the innocent."

The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.
They figure that the law is on this guy's side,
so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's
"Well, I'm a Purdue Boilermaker and an Electrical Engineer,
and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute
anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

May he rest in peace.

 

[brewnog]

I'm sure most of you have seen this, but for those who haven't:




I halve a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pores o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if where lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is chequed with such grate flair,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.

-- Sauce Unknown

 

[BobG]

The joys of staff work (especially staff meetings). Favorite quotes:

"None of us is as dumb as all of us."

"The chances for success in these talks is about the same as the number of R's in 'fat chance'."

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep."

"Ya know, in this command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule."

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row until we rot."

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams."

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat." (response to being assigned a tough tasker).

"Never pet a burning dog."

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point." (On the fact that somebody always tries to fine tune a plan with more good ideas until the plan is so bogged down with extra weight it can't possibly move forward.)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our failure to make any progress."

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all."

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it will only take a minute." (So true. It's amazing how well things work when everyone has no choice but to say, "Yes".)

The joys of doing business in foreign countries:

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh." (Comment once the smoke cleared after plugging a 110V computer into a 220V outlet.)

On coalition building for the Iraq war:

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it."

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupancy by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt."

"I guess the next thing they'll ask us for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq."

And one last quote that could apply to the decision to invade Iraq in the first place:

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you've done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

 

[Astronuc]

100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/mispron.html


Heineken remover instead of Heimlich maneuver

 

[Astronuc]

There was an old fellow at Trinity
Who solved the square root of infinity.
But it gave him such fidgets
To count up the digits
That he dropped Math and took up Divinity
?


A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
anonymous


I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.
Brendan Behan

"The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding."
Oscar Wilde, Lord Arthur Savile's Crime, 1891

I formed a new group called Alcoholics-Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you.
Richard Harris

Being Irish, I have an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains me through temporary periods of joy.
W.B. Yeats

http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.com/Quotes/WitHumor.html

 

[Astronuc]

I heard one of the Tappit brothers refer to Daylight Savings Time as 'Daylight Wasting Time'.

 

[BobG]

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

On the other hand, reading literary works posted along the roadway with the other hand could result in traffic accidents.

 

[Evo]

Speaking of spell checkers, when I typed "Superbowl" in an e-mail, Microsoft Outlook suggested I change it to "Superb Owl".

 

[Astronuc]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. Half are cell phone numbers.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

 

[Evo]

Recently at the pharmacy I was waiting at the desk to get a prescription filled, the pharmacists were at the other end of the pharmacy where they couldn't see if anyone was out front, which is ok for a couple of minutes, but after 15 minutes and none had surfaced, I considered screaming at them, but didn't want to cause a scene, so I pulled out my cell phone and called them to let them know I was waiting out front.

 

[Astronuc]

Recently at the pharmacy I was waiting at the desk to get a prescription filled, the pharmacists were at the other end of the pharmacy where they couldn't see if anyone was out front, which is ok for a couple of minutes, but after 15 minutes and none had surfaced, I considered screaming at them, but didn't want to cause a scene, so I pulled out my cell phone and called them to let them know I was waiting out front.

When my old laptop died, I called a computer repair guy who works out of his home. He asked me if I had a cell phone - which I thought was a strange question and rather irrelevant. Then he told me to call him when I got to his front door, since his door bell didn't work, and he might be downstairs in the workshop.

So I got to his front door and knocked. No answer. Then I used my cell phone to call him.