Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name

[Kurdt]

They could install a pressure pad that sends out an automated e-mail when someone has been waiting for a certain length of time. Thats 21st century

 

[Astronuc]

Is this real contemporary entertainment? Is this funny?

The Big Bang Theory - Talk Nerdy to Me: Beautiful Minds


The Big Bang Theory - Heavy Lifting


The Big Bang Theory - Talk Nerdy to Me: Quietly, Please


The Big Bang Theory - A Geeks Guide to Cleaning

 

[Astronuc]

Male or Female?

This was sent to me by a family member.

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

 

[Astronuc]

Creative Puns for Deep Thinkers

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Has this one been entered?

Atheist n. A person with no invisible means of support.

 

[Brilliant!]

Consider that -

The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.

The sentence actually did something funny to my chest. Like, a strange feeling or something.

I spent 3 years in business school. I finally pulled my head out of my books and looked at my teachers and fellow students and realized it was all a popularity contest. Then, everything began to add-up: the student organizations that praised networking more than good grades, the teachers who would practically cheat for you by telling you exactly what would be on the test, and so many other instances like these. I always wrote them off as bad experiences, but the longer I stayed the more I realized the corrupt mentality of these people. "No wonder the corporate and financial world can't be trusted," I thought: for every genuine article, there are 100s of frauds.

That's when I decided I would change over to engineering, a career path that I was always interested in, but too scared (and too lazy) to undertake. I only wish I would have come to my senses sooner. Live and learn.

 

[Astronuc]

An Aussie friend posted this elsewhere.

Current security levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be 'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!'; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."

(Note: 'barbie' is 'Barbecue' - not the blond doll! )

 

[Evo]

An Aussie friend posted this elsewhere.

Current security levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be 'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!'; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."

(Note: 'barbie' is 'Barbecue' - not the blond doll! )

 

[fuzzyfelt]

 

[Borg]

Reminds me of the Sesame Street threat levels.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The lens maker backed into his grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

 

[fuzzyfelt]

Reminds me of the Sesame Street threat levels.

Cute :)