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Ken G said:Yes, I like that reversal in the order, it gives a punchline in the end and still serves to help you recall the putative mass of these potential denizens of the otherwise dark corners of space. (Does "deeply" fit the meter better?)
I think you are right about the fourth line being metrically just slightly awkward. Let's try this slight change in that line, so the stress comes naturally on the second syllable "time" just as it does on the second syllable of the first line "star".Planck star, you dark rebounder,
what mass were you at first?
"Point six billion tons."
Deep time, in you, must founder.
How long before you burst?
"I'm almost done!"Let's let it sit like that for a while and get used to it before we try further changes. You've already helped improve the little rhyme quite a lot. I'd rather not make changes too fast. Let's look at it again tomorrow.
BTW the shadow pop song structure I'm hearing as a kind framework is Righteous Brothers "Unchained melody". It's on YouTube. Was popular in the mid-Sixties.
The third line in the RB original is:
"a LONG lonely time" and we are saying
"point SIX billion tons" as a partial echo with their stress pattern
The sixth line in the RB original is:
"are you still MI-I-I-NE?!" and we are saying
"I'm almost DONE!" again partially echoing the stress pattern.
Here's a 1965 recording of the Righteous Brothers song I'm referring to for stress pattern:
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