Collection of Lame Jokes

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In summary: It's a humor that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness. It's not for everyone.Not a fan of surrealism, I take it?In summary, surrealism is an art form that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness, often producing incongruous imagery or effects. It may not be appreciated by everyone, but for those who do, it can be quite humorous.
  • #666
nismaratwork said:
What'd you eat for breakfast?
Pea soup.
What'd you eat for lunch?
Pea soup.
What'd you eat for dinner?
Pea soup.
What will you do now?
Pee soup.

Sounds like something out of Monty Python, or some other similar comedy group.
 
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  • #667
Lancelot59 said:
Sounds like something out of Monty Python, or some other similar comedy group.

It does, doesn't it? I'm unsure of the origin, but I read it in a book by humorist Dave Barry, who was relating a favorite joke he and friends would tell when he was a child. There's history in that Pea Soup... and a little something extra. :wink:
 
  • #668
Two men walked into a bar. One turned to the other and said, "Ow!"
 
  • #669
mugaliens said:
Two men walked into a bar. One turned to the other and said, "Ow!"

Two iron workers walked into a bar.
 
  • #670
A blind guy comes into a bar and swings his, small, seeing eye dog in a circle around his head. The bartender says. "What the hell are you doing?" The blind guy says, "Just lookin' around."

Lame?
 
  • #671
"A priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walk into a bar..."
This isn't a real joke, but an intro told by a character from the comic, Bloom County. It is never revealed what the joke is, but it's implied that it's hilarious. I use that intro all the time now, and just wait while I ruin someone's day, the rest of which they'll spend trying to figure the rest out.
 
  • #672
ThomasT said:
A blind guy comes into a bar and swings his, small, seeing eye dog in a circle around his head. The bartender says. "What the hell are you doing?" The blind guy says, "Just lookin' around."

Lame?

Maybe I'm lame, because I think that's actually pretty funny.
 
  • #673
ThomasT said:
A blind guy comes into a bar and swings his, small, seeing eye dog in a circle around his head. The bartender says. "What the hell are you doing?" The blind guy says, "Just lookin' around."

Lame?

No. Funny! Sick humor, to be sure, but FUNNY, yes.
 
  • #674
nismaratwork said:
It is never revealed what the joke is, but it's implied that it's hilarious.

The BANANA SKETCH!?? AWESOME! Do you use a yellow one? Or a green one?

:biggrin:
 
  • #675
When Noah's ark settled on the mountain Noah open the doors
and told the animals to go forth an multiply.

A little snake spoke up and said "we can't multiply we are adders!"
So Noah thought for a while then he got an idea. Noah built a table
from logs and place the pair of snakes on the table
and then Noah told them "now you can multiply".
 
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  • #676
nismaratwork said:
Maybe I'm lame, because I think that's actually pretty funny.

I do too.:blushing:
 
  • #677
mugaliens said:
No. Funny! Sick humor, to be sure, but FUNNY, yes.

Did you hear about the quadriplegic guy who tried to swim the English Channel*?

He had to give up half way. His ears fell off.

* For the geographically challenged, a "classic" long distance sea swim, 22 miles if you manage to steer straight, between England and France.
 
  • #678
Guy walks into the doctor's office. He has a banana up his nose, pasta sauce in his pants and cauliflowers sticking out of his ears.

Doctor says "You're not eating right."
 
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  • #679
DaveC426913 said:
The BANANA SKETCH!?? AWESOME! Do you use a yellow one? Or a green one?

:biggrin:

You're pure funny evil!


You also keep posting funny jokes as lame! I feel lame... :wink:
 
  • #680
DaveC426913 said:
Guy walks into the doctor's office. He has a banana up his nose, pasta sauce in his pants and cauliflowers sticking out of his ears.

Doctor says "You're not eating right."

That's one of those ones that's going to make me chuckle quietly to myself all day and make everyone think I'm insane.

-DaveKA
 
  • #681
dkotschessaa said:
That's one of those ones that's going to make me chuckle quietly to myself all day and make everyone think I'm insane.

-DaveKA

Right?! And, the dog one was 'LOL' funny. I've been sending both around (and giving credit to DaveC) friends and family, and I'm yet to get anything, BUT laughs.
 
  • #682
DaveC426913 said:
Guy walks into the doctor's office. He has a banana up his nose, pasta sauce in his pants and cauliflowers sticking out of his ears.

Doctor says "You're not eating right."
:smile:
 
  • #683
harrya said:
when noah's ark settled on the mountain noah open the doors
and told the animals to go forth an multiply.

A little snake spoke up and said "we can't multiply we are adders!"
so noah thought for a while then he got an idea. Noah built a table
from logs and place the pair of snakes on the table
and then noah told them "now you can multiply".
lol.
 
  • #684
This is one of my favorite jokes that MIGHT be appropriate for this forum. I think it qualifies as lame. I hope you don't mind that I actually just looked it up and copy and pasted it here (it's a long one). Reformatted for readability.

A man walked into Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of mafiosos! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!... So how you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA" the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!... So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced!... So what are you doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut.

Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendent who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. Its the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite for no extra charge!

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that garbagety haircut?'"

Source: http://www.yuksrus.com/barber.html
 
  • #685
A: I'm looking for a woman with brains to match her beauty.
B: How about Jane? She's stupid and ugly.
 
  • #686
:smile:
 
  • #687
Jimmy Snyder said:
A: I'm looking for a woman with brains to match her beauty.
B: How about Jane? She's stupid and ugly.

Nice one.
 
  • #688
Jimmy Snyder said:
A: I'm looking for a woman with brains to match her beauty.
B: How about Jane? She's stupid and ugly.

I like this one:smile:
 
  • #689
Funny? Witty, for sure. I hope there's no one here named Jane. If so, I hope she has a wonderful sense of humor!
 
  • #690
mugaliens said:
Funny? Witty, for sure. I hope there's no one here named Jane. If so, I hope she has a wonderful sense of humor!
That would be my Freckle Faced Consumptive Sarah Jane. She's the butt of many a joke and takes it well.
 
  • #691
Jimmy Snyder said:
That would be my Freckle Faced Consumptive Sarah Jane. She's the butt of many a joke and takes it well.

Sounds like a tough old broad! :-p
 
  • #692
nismaratwork said:
Sounds like a tough old broad! :-p
She's a female pugalist, gracious Moses what a fist. She'll knock you where you won't come back no more. I wish I could remember all the words, but apparently they are not to be found on the net. I don't know the name of the composer, lyricist, or performer(s). They say that she is crazy but I think she is insane. She's my freckle faced consumptive Sarah Jane. It was adapted from an earlier number called simply Sarah Jane. Some folks say her breath smells sweet, but I would rather smell her feet. There is another variant called My Long Skinny Lanky Sarah Jane but I have no lyrics for it and yet another called My Sarah Jane also with no lyrics that I can find. She is mentioned in the song I'm the Man that Rode the Mule 'Round the World. Here's another version but the performance is rather poor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDSk9ynGaDU
 
  • #693
Jimmy Snyder said:
That would be my Freckle Faced Consumptive Sarah Jane. She's the butt of many a joke and takes it well.

Poor Sarah Jane. :cry: One day you're the apple of the Doctor's eye, and the next, you're just a thorn to a Rose and the butt of Jimmy's jokes, but I remember when.

[URL]http://www.hecklerspray.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/sarah-jane-smith.jpg[/URL]
 
Last edited by a moderator:
  • #694
Jimmy Snyder said:
She's a female pugalist, gracious Moses what a fist. She'll knock you where you won't come back no more. I wish I could remember all the words, but apparently they are not to be found on the net. I don't know the name of the composer, lyricist, or performer(s). They say that she is crazy but I think she is insane. She's my freckle faced consumptive Sarah Jane. It was adapted from an earlier number called simply Sarah Jane. Some folks say her breath smells sweet, but I would rather smell her feet. There is another variant called My Long Skinny Lanky Sarah Jane but I have no lyrics for it and yet another called My Sarah Jane also with no lyrics that I can find. She is mentioned in the song I'm the Man that Rode the Mule 'Round the World. Here's another version but the performance is rather poor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDSk9ynGaDU

Awesome. :biggrin: Are you familiar with the 'Strip Polka' performed by The Andrews Sisters? Heh... Queenie.
 
  • #695
nismaratwork said:
Are you familiar with the 'Strip Polka' performed by The Andrews Sisters? Heh... Queenie.
Yes, but I don't see the connection.
 
  • #696
Jimmy Snyder said:
Yes, but I don't see the connection.

None, it's purely tangential and whimsical.
 
  • #697
nismaratwork said:
None, it's purely tangential and whimsical.

But not normal or binormal?
 
  • #698
When is a car not a car?!

When it turns into a driveway.
 
  • #699
Where did Hitler hide his armies?

In his sleevies.
 
  • #700
Guy says: "Sir, I realize this is only a formality, but I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The father replies: "Where did you get the idea that it was only a formality?"

Guy says: "From the Lamaze instructor."
 

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