Collection of Lame Jokes

[dkotschessaa]

Q. How many people with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Hey, want to go for a bike ride?

 

[FlexGunship]

A wife walks up to her husband and says: "I want a divorce; I'm going to become a hooker. I just found out I can get paid $400 for what I give to you for free!"

The husband responds: "Well, I'm coming with you, I want to see you live off of $800 a year."

 

[FlexGunship]

A brunette, a blonde, and a red-head are in 3rd grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blond; she's 18.

 

[FlexGunship]

Taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.<awaits the flame>

 

[WhoWee]

taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.


<awaits the flame>

...man overboard...

 

[FlexGunship]

...man overboard...

[URL]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v172/aujourdhui/GIFs/cookiemonster.gif[/URL]

 

[FlexGunship]

...man overboard...

[URL]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v172/aujourdhui/GIFs/cookiemonster.gif[/URL]

 

[Lancelot59]

Taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.


<awaits the flame>

I laughed. Also, the cookie monster wins!

 

[FlexGunship]

I laughed. Also, the cookie monster wins!

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

[URL]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif[/URL]

 

[Lancelot59]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

[URL]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

[/URL]

Don't start feeling safe yet. None of the women have commented yet.

 

[FlexGunship]

Don't start feeling safe yet. None of the women have commented yet.

Uh oh...

[URL]http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r143/v_happylurker21/GIF%20and%20Macros/ray.gif[/URL]

Sorry, that's the last one. I'm getting bandwidth heavy on you 1992-vintage 28k modem users!

 

[jtbell]

Rudi looks out the window of his Moscow apartment and says to his wife "Honey ! It's going to rain." The wife disagrees, on account of the bright sun and no clouds. Nevertheless, it starts to pour in a few minutes. The baffled wife askes Rudi how he knew.

Comes the reply, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear !"

The version of this joke that I know dates to before the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Iron Curtain. The guy lived in West Berlin but always watched the weather forecast on East German TV, delivered by a reporter named Rudolf.

 

[nismaratwork]

Many people have oral issues, and especially... the dreaded drinking problem.

 

[FlexGunship]

Many people have oral issues, and especially... the dreaded drinking problem.

 

[Galaxyman]

reaps the wonders of grain, **** Mountain Dew all hail Dr P

 

[nismaratwork]

reaps the wonders of grain, **** Mountain Dew all hail Dr P

I have no idea what that's in reference too... but I agree with the statement.

@Flex: Hey man, you started this thing... it was this or something Mel Brooks.

edit: Cookie Monster... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4-TsaNENo&feature=related

 

[FlexGunship]

I have no idea what that's in reference too... but I agree with the statement.

@Flex: Hey man, you started this thing... it was this or something Mel Brooks.

edit: Cookie Monster... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4-TsaNENo&feature=related

(Remember those kids that stole that urn...?)

 

[HeLiXe]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

[URL]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

[/URL]

 

[mugaliens]

Uh oh...

I love that movie. I think it's the hapless aspect.

 

[nismaratwork]

I love that movie. I think it's the hapless aspect.

You just know he has a nickname now, it's humiliating, and he can never live it down. "Hey there Spills! We put your power drink in this... little sippy-cup!..." and more.



edit: AND... I just realized that you meant Ghostbusters a la Slimer-encounter... not the hockey player. *facepalm*.

Yes. I agree with you, but at the risk of place my entire leg in my mouth, I will stop now.

P.S. Ghostbusters 2: Evil pink goo? REALLY?
P. P. S. Ghostbusters video game (recent one): Really, shockingly good for fans.

 

[mugaliens]

You just know he has a nickname now, it's humiliating, and he can never live it down. "Hey there Spills! We put your power drink in this... little sippy-cup!..." and more.



edit: AND... I just realized that you meant Ghostbusters a la Slimer-encounter... not the hockey player. *facepalm*.

Yes. I agree with you, but at the risk of place my entire leg in my mouth, I will stop now.

P.S. Ghostbusters 2: Evil pink goo? REALLY?
P. P. S. Ghostbusters video game (recent one): Really, shockingly good for fans.

I get you, but you can stop now. The original movie will suffice for mirth.

 

[nismaratwork]

I get you, but you can stop now. The original movie will suffice for mirth.

Well, now that Dan Akroyd thinks he IS a ghostbuster... yeah, if it's not then that would just be tragic.

 

[DaveC426913]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[nismaratwork]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

...at which point the bartender asks, "Is Cherenkov radiation or are you just glad to see me?"

Hey, it's called LAME jokes... you tell GOOD jokes... get to laming them up!

 

[dkotschessaa]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

 

[EnumaElish]

A geneticist to another geneticist: "let me clone you?" "No, thanks." First one: "very well, make yourself at home."

 

[FlexGunship]

Poland opens it's first airline and hires to Polish pilots to go on the first test flight. They take off from the new airport in a new airplane and start flying around. They practice maneuvers, and following a flight plan, and test the mechanics of the plane.

They make some important notes and the co-pilot says: "It's about time for us to land." The pilot agrees and they radio in for their approach.

The pilot looks down and says: "Uh, are you sure this is our runway?" The co-pilot responds: "Yup, that's it. Sure looks like it's going to be a rough landing, huh?"

The pilot responds: "Yeah, but it's okay, we can do it. We're expert pilots!"

So they carefully bring the plane in low, they throttle back as far as possible and the huge airplane is just gliding in the wind. As soon as rubber hits tarmac the slam the brakes, through the engines in full reverse, open every flap and grind to a screeching halt with the front wheel of the plane just hanging off the edge of the runway.

The pilot says: "Geeze, that was a really really short runway!"

The co-pilot says: "Yeah... but look how f*cking wide it is!"

 

[BobG]

"A priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walk into a bar..."
This isn't a real joke, but an intro told by a character from the comic, Bloom County. It is never revealed what the joke is, but it's implied that it's hilarious. I use that intro all the time now, and just wait while I ruin someone's day, the rest of which they'll spend trying to figure the rest out.

That joke is hilarious. It's the best Bible joke of all time. I just wish I remembered how it went. I remember it had something to do with making garments in the book of Exodus.

 

[Borek]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

 

[BobG]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

[URL]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

[/URL]

This reminds me of when Bernie Kosar and Marty Schottenheimer were with the Browns and Don Strock was the back-up quarterback. Kosar got injured and Strock had to come in and try to rally the Browns past the Dolphins in the last few minutes of game. At the two minute warning, Schottenheimer is explaining the plan for the last few plays and Strock is listening intently as he takes a drink of water from a paper cup... except he forgot to push his helmut up and his face mask was in the way. Schottenheimer just kind of stops talking as he stares at Strock who tries to nonchalantly ignore that he's just dumped his drink down the front of his jersey.

Needless to say, first play after the two minute warning, Strock is in the shotgun formation and drops the snap. But then he picks it up and tosses a touchdown pass to send the Browns into the lead. I was practically dying from laughing.

(Of course, unfortunately for the Browns, the Dolphins had Dan Marino and almost an entire two minutes left for a winning drive - the result was almost a foregone conclusion.)

 

[EnumaElish]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

if you're not referring to the bible, then it must be the Polish pilots :)

 

[edward]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

I agree. We are above that type of garbage here.

 

[nismaratwork]

That joke is hilarious. It's the best Bible joke of all time. I just wish I remembered how it went. I remember it had something to do with making garments in the book of Exodus.

Oh man, if you even make up a decent joke to go along with that, you'll have fulfilled a dream of mine for nearly 3 decades. In return for the joke, I will give you a butterfly that can grant you anyone wish of your heart, but use it wisely...

Or, I'll laugh, but really, that joke NEEDS to be made!

Borek: I can't tell if you're kidding, although I suspect this is dry humor directed at FlexGunship?

 

[nismaratwork]

I agree. We are above that type of garbage here.

You live on a reclaimed landfill?!

edit: now THAT is a lame joke people.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

Without safe landing??