Middle Age: Breaking Comfort Zones & Starting New Adventures

[zoobyshoe]

After twenty years, I changed coffee brands.

There's a point where risk taking has gone too far, Ivan.

 

[DaveC426913]

When I was younger, I was quite shy of women. I got this one piece of advice: Be?fore you strike up a conversation with a woman, already have an exit strategy (women, this works with men). If you get flustered and nervous and sure that you are going to blurt out the wrong thing, cut and run. Suddenly remember an appointment with your financial advisor or something. I put this plan into action and overcame my shyness. I learned that people love to talk about themselves and all it takes for a successful encounter is to draw them out. Be genuinely interested in them and what they are experiencing and you will soon be on the right side of that 50% figure.

Well yeah, but are you talking about this?:
" When I am forced to eat alone, I approach someone else who is eating alone..."

cuz that's what Hyp said she's doing. Do you think you could approach a man? You might be able to approach a woman...

 

[zoobyshoe]

I suspect that, if I walked up to a stranger and asked if I could join them for lunch, I might not have quite as much luck as Hyp. I suspect you may have the same experience. Also, Ivan. Jimmy. Astro...

Why wouldn't you, though?

Space down at the cafe is usually at a premium. I have often had to approach men asking to share the table, and I've been approached by men. As long as you're polite, respectful, non-invasive, everything goes fine.

 

[magpies]

Ya but they probably don't even say a word to you I bet.

 

[DaveC426913]

Why wouldn't you, though?

Space down at the cafe is usually at a premium. I have often had to approach men asking to share the table, and I've been approached by men. As long as you're polite, respectful, non-invasive, everything goes fine.

I do that too. But we're not talking about sharing a table, we're talking about striking up a dialogue.

Hyp is talking about when she is "forced" to eat alone, i.e. she is approaching someone for the company, not the table real estate.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Ya but they probably don't even say a word to you I bet.

I'm seeing the problem here is that people have all kinds of preconceptions about what would happen if they did this.

First off, every single person will react differently. Sometimes the person who seems intently focused on a book is just waiting for someone to strike up a conversation, and sometimes they're really hoping no one bothers them. You never know.

Secondly, you have to be aware enough to know how to test out if someone is up for a conversation in a non-invasive way, and be ready to back off if they aren't. Half the time, if you adopt a sensitive, non-invasive demeanor, the other person is the one who strikes up the conversation anyway

Personally, I like to sit there quietly for a while and scope them out for potentially weird behavior. Like Hypatia said, you can really regret you started a conversation sometimes when it turns out the person is "off" in one way or another.

 

[Tedjn]

I guess there's also the problem of what to say. For some, such as I, small talk is not a forte. However, in my experience, following up on the interesting people you meet is much more difficult than meeting them.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I do that too. But we're not talking about sharing a table, we're talking about striking up a dialogue.

Hyp is talking about when she is "forced" to eat alone, i.e. she is approaching someone for the company, not the table real estate.

If someone let's you sit down the chances of striking up a conversation are massively increased. How it goes from there depends on how you play it. I think you're right that most people are going to be more open with a woman, but you're wrong to assume they will be closed off to a man. In general they're only going to be closed off to a person they sense is going to make the experience unpleasant for them. If you plan on being judgemental, opinionated, and doing most of the talking, then, yeah, you should assume they will be closed off to conversation. Likewise if you plan on being needy and are hoping they'll sit in silence as you rattle off a litany of your problems and anxieties, you can assume they'll be closed off. It's all kind of obvious: if you can react instantly and steer away from anything they seem to find unpleasant, uninteresting, etc, you should be fine.

Everyone should read "How to Win Friends and Influence People", the old classic. Simply listening to people can create an extremely pleasant situation for them.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I guess there's also the problem of what to say. For some, such as I, small talk is not a forte. However, in my experience, following up on the interesting people you meet is much more difficult than meeting them.

What's the difficulty you encounter with small talk?

 

[magpies]

It's small.

 

[Tedjn]

What's the difficulty you encounter with small talk?

Good question. It made me reflect some more, and my conclusion is that I don't have a problem with engaging in small talk if I had to. However, I'm just not inclined to do so. Why not is due to a complex mixture of personality traits I can't quite explain, some of which I'm not particularly proud (e.g. shyness, arrogance, empathy, insecurity, etc.).

Here are some reasons why I don't like small talk. Usually, I find I don't learn anything worthwhile about the person. I have to really work to find a conversation starter and to keep a conversation going; wit doesn't come to me on the spot. As a product of my childhood, I can't often identify with people from a pop culture standpoint. Consequently, sometimes such talks are short and uninteresting. Other times, the conversation becomes too one-sided. I end up listening without anything to contribute.

The good news is that I have been improving :)

 

[shelovesmath]

A while back, there was a thread about how difficult it is to start new friendships as an adult. There were many thoughtful posts there…one in particular caught my attention and got me thinking about aging in general:



https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2518422&postcount=20"

Sigh…oh my, so familiar! I’ve found this to be sadly accurate of a lot of people once they get to middle age. Routines are comforting at every age, but in middle age they can become sacrosanct and inviolable. They can be soothing, but also like heroine to our spirits, turning us into effete, automated machines that get grouchy when we're out of our safe little ruts.

I wish I was immune from this but I feel the pull too, the way a comfy bed calls you when you’re tired. To counter it, I force myself to take risks. Now I’m not talking about doing stupid things. I mean, doing the kind of things that surprise my friends and family when they hear about it (for example, belly dancing lessons, haha ).

I’m directing this thread to anyone who fights against tedium, but mostly middle aged people, since it seems that’s when it becomes harder to take risks.

So are there any PFers working to get out of the comfort zone? How?

Indeed.

I started going to college a few years ago (in my thirties), and Lord only knows how long it will take me to get through it. I'm almost 34, and I'm only a sophomore in college.

I think people that like to learn and grow don't ever change. There's nothing wrong with being content in your life though. Not everyone is a restless spirit.

 

[shelovesmath]

Oh yeah, and as far as adventure and challenging myself goes: I recently went to Istanbul. :)

 

[lisab]

Indeed.

I started going to college a few years ago (in my thirties), and Lord only knows how long it will take me to get through it. I'm almost 34, and I'm only a sophomore in college.

I think people that like to learn and grow don't ever change. There's nothing wrong with being content in your life though. Not everyone is a restless spirit.

Ah, that's a good point. I think some people do the "aging gracefully" thing very easily. I'm probably not one of them, from what I can tell, haha.

Great that you're pursuing your goal .

 

[zoobyshoe]

Good question. It made me reflect some more, and my conclusion is that I don't have a problem with engaging in small talk if I had to. However, I'm just not inclined to do so. Why not is due to a complex mixture of personality traits I can't quite explain, some of which I'm not particularly proud (e.g. shyness, arrogance, empathy, insecurity, etc.).

Here are some reasons why I don't like small talk. Usually, I find I don't learn anything worthwhile about the person. I have to really work to find a conversation starter and to keep a conversation going; wit doesn't come to me on the spot. As a product of my childhood, I can't often identify with people from a pop culture standpoint. Consequently, sometimes such talks are short and uninteresting. Other times, the conversation becomes too one-sided. I end up listening without anything to contribute.

The good news is that I have been improving :)

You're pretty much describing my reaction to small talk, as well. I am a substance oriented conversationalist and can't let the small talk go on too long. Things have to meander to something interesting relatively quickly or I'll meander away. On the other hand, with the right people, I can have fun for hours just playing around. Nothing gets discussed, there's just a general mood of amusement to which everyone contributes.

 

[shelovesmath]

You're pretty much describing my reaction to small talk, as well. I am a substance oriented conversationalist and can't let the small talk go on too long. Things have to meander to something interesting relatively quickly or I'll meander away. On the other hand, with the right people, I can have fun for hours just playing around. Nothing gets discussed, there's just a general mood of amusement to which everyone contributes.

I abhor small talk, and have to do it every day in my line of work. However, small talk can be used as a segue to delve deeper. I mean, what are you going to do? Meet someone, say, "Hi, nice to meet you, my name is Sally. What's your deepest passion in life?"

 

[zoobyshoe]

I abhor small talk, and have to do it every day in my line of work. However, small talk can be used as a segue to delve deeper. I mean, what are you going to do? Meet someone, say, "Hi, nice to meet you, my name is Sally. What's your deepest passion in life?"

Hi Sally. I'm Zooby. My deepest passion is doing zoobie stuff. It's what I do. It's my deepest passion.

What's your shallowest passion, Sally?

 

[shelovesmath]

Hi Sally. I'm Zooby. My deepest passion is doing zoobie stuff. It's what I do. It's my deepest passion.

What's your shallowest passion, Sally?

Shallow is relative.

 

[Tedjn]

Now that I think about it, I actually like that opening line.

I'm still quite young, but already I feel the lethargy creeping in, a deep desire to hibernate in the comfort of air conditioning for a long, long time among other things. I've also never liked to travel, so say poof to a lot of excitement.

That's why I count on my friends to drag me with them, and I usually enjoy myself. Sometimes it's good and necessary to take the initiative, but if you can find close, active friends, so much the easier.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Shallow is relative.

I have shallow relatives. Many of them.

 

[Tedjn]

I have shallow relatives. Many of them.

Ah, wit, how I envy you.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Take my sister..

please.

 

[shelovesmath]

I think rather than asking about someone's passions, a good segue into a deeper conversation is just to ask, "So, (insert name here), what's your story?"

 

[zoobyshoe]

Now that I think about it, I actually like that opening line.

I'm still quite young, but already I feel the lethargy creeping in, a deep desire to hibernate in the comfort of air conditioning for a long, long time among other things. I've also never liked to travel, so say poof to a lot of excitement.

That's why I count on my friends to drag me with them, and I usually enjoy myself. Sometimes it's good and necessary to take the initiative, but if you can find close, active friends, so much the easier.

I really think the only things that count are the ones you initiate yourself. Those are the things that most reflect your real curiosities, and which will keep you feeling alive. I'm going to guess there are a lot of things you'd actually like to do but feel you don't know how to get started.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I think rather than asking about someone's passions, a good segue into a deeper conversation is just to ask, "So, (insert name here), what's your story?"

"Just got released from the penitentary, thanks for asking. Did 30 for homicide."

(Something like this actually happened to me at the Cafe about two months ago.)

 

[shelovesmath]

"Just got released from the penitentary, thanks for asking. Did 30 for homicide."

(Something like this actually happened to me at the Cafe about two months ago.)

Well at least it was something interesting! It sure beats someone telling you about their kids.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Ah, wit, how I envy you.

Have you read Freud's "Wit and it's Relation to the Unconscious"?

Math Is Hard wrote the sequel: "Relations, and their Unconsciousness to Wit". Went right over all her relatives heads.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Well at least it was something interesting! It sure beats someone telling you about their kids.

Hehe, yeah, but it was more than a little spooky. He'd actually only done 8 years for attempted murder, but people who've just been released from prison are sketchy and bewildered, like they're not sure if their freedom is a dream. And he started mentioning to everyone he had no money and no place to sleep, like he was hoping for an invitation over to someone's house. I kind of meandered away as soon as possible.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I have shallow relatives. Many of them.

Deep down, we're all shallow.

 

[Galteeth]

This is very interesting, from an outside perspective. I mean, most of you guys are scientists right? How cool is that--. Anyway, Lisa, what do you mean by risk? And magpies, how did you end up in jail?

I can't say I totally get where you guys are coming from. I do know that I hate when people try to talk to me when I'm eating.

 

[Borek]

I can't say I totally get where you guys are coming from.

Warsaw, Poland.

Yeah, I know, I am shallow.

 

[lisab]

This is very interesting, from an outside perspective. I mean, most of you guys are scientists right? How cool is that--. Anyway, Lisa, what do you mean by risk? And magpies, how did you end up in jail?

I can't say I totally get where you guys are coming from. I do know that I hate when people try to talk to me when I'm eating.

By risk, I don't mean taking chances that endanger life and limb. I mean, doing new things. Something as simple as cooking a new recipe that uses a spice you've never heard of, or taking a walk through a park you've never been to before.

These are simple little things but as you get older, you tend to not take risks, even small ones. Life gets comfy...maybe too comfy.

 

[DaveC426913]

Shallow is relative.

Ah, but shallowest is not.

 

[DaveC426913]

...but you're wrong to assume they will be closed off to a man...

Hey, all I said was "not quite as much luck".

 

[DanP]

By risk, I don't mean taking chances that endanger life and limb. I mean, doing new things. Something as simple as cooking a new recipe that uses a spice you've never heard of, or taking a walk through a park you've never been to before.

Those things can be hardly called risks =).