Why does my social life suck so much?

[Cyrus]

Not necessarily true. You can turn a girl on by saying the right things. I am not a stud, and I am not buff. But I can talk to to women. (Something most buff guys CANT do).

I dress trendy. Boarderline gay. Girls LOVE it. Women compliment me on the way I dress a lot. Its nothing to do about how I look either.

 

[Moonbear]

Not necessarily true. You can turn a girl on by saying the right things. I am not a stud, and I am not buff. But I can talk to to women. (Something most buff guys CANT do).

I dress trendy. Boarderline gay. Girls LOVE it. Women compliment me on the way I dress a lot. Its nothing to do about how I look either.

I think Chroot is right here. You give yourself the edge by dressing well, so women haven't dismissed you as a creep before you get to them. That, or they think you're gay based on your attire, so assume you're "safe."

As for Astronuc's comments on joining professional organizations and such, that's quite different from academic clubs in school (you don't need a club to meet upperclassmen, and I've never known any grad students to join undergrad clubs either), and the goal in any of those situations is more to make professional contacts and advance your career, not to engage in socializing and make friends.

 

[Huckleberry]

Well said, Moonbear. Also, when you join an academic club, you get judged on your words and your knowledge; if you're shy or aren't good at making conversation, you may fail to impress people. On the other hand, if you join Habitat for Humanity, all you need to do is show up every weekend and swing a hammer, and people will like you. You'll also get some exercise, learn a few practical things, and make a real difference in someone else's life. And yes, absolutely, you'll meet some of the coolest, most kind-hearted people at your school. Habitat for Humanity is also much more likely to be more gender- and major-balanced than any academic club.

And yes, bars are brutal social shark-tanks. Women go to bars expecting to get hit on by slobbering goons, and they're prepared to push guys away. You're fighting a pretty steep headwind. The best advice I can give for bars is this: don't ever do something (buying a drink, smiling, saying hello) because you're trying to get something in return (conversation, interest, flirting, etc.). It's incredibly obvious and turns women off. Instead, just be genuinely kind and generous, and don't worry about the responses. If a bartender is slow, buy the girl in line behind you a drink, smile, say cheers, and leave it at that. Walk back to your friends or your pool game or whatever. If she's already attracted to you, your genuine, laid-back generosity will just make her more attracted. If she's not attracted to you, a free drink won't do anything anything anyway. It's sort of like Pascal's wager...

- Warren

I agree with Moonbear and chroot. This is really great advice.

The biggest obstacle to social interaction is insecurity. It's hard to make friends if you never put yourself out there. Habitat for Humanity is a terrific idea! Or you could join a group that participates in some hobby you think you might enjoy, such as hiking, cycling or pottery. There are dozens of choices if you look for them, and they are a far more effective way of making friends than bars or parties, though that works for some people too. Go to places where you think there might be people you would like to meet.

Be aware when people talk to you. Sometimes people will engage you in conversation, small talk, and are essentially feeling you out. You don't have to be a great conversationalist, but you do have to be somewhat responsive. If someone asks you if they can borrow a pen then they probably just want a pen, but if they comment on the weather then they just want to talk to you. Be aware of the potential for dialogue, and don't pull your attention away from the conversation before you establish a connection. Before you know it you'll be hanging out at the pool hall throwing back some brewskis with your new friends.

 

[chroot]

Most schools also have "Venture Out" type programs that organize student hiking or skiing trips. These can be a great way to meet people without much "risk." You're stuck with them for a long weekend drive, giving you ample opportunity to get to know them and feel out any potential for friendship (or more), yet when you get back to campus you don't necessarily have to see any of them ever again.

- Warren

 

[Astronuc]

As for Astronuc's comments on joining professional organizations and such, that's quite different from academic clubs in school (you don't need a club to meet upperclassmen, and I've never known any grad students to join undergrad clubs either), and the goal in any of those situations is more to make professional contacts and advance your career, not to engage in socializing and make friends.

Yeah - I wasn't thinking so much of academic clubs, as much as student chapters of techical societies. I'm not sure I ever heard of academic clubs at the universities I attended.

I belonged to student chapters of technical societies. In the one for my major, we socialized as well as developed professional contacts and attended national meetings, and in some cases international conferences.

We'd do barbecues or pizza parties, and several professors would do keg parties. And we'd play soccer, football, baseball as well as dinners and other functions.

 

[Cyrus]

I think Chroot is right here. You give yourself the edge by dressing well, so women haven't dismissed you as a creep before you get to them. That, or they think you're gay based on your attire, so assume you're "safe."

One time there was a group of girls. My friend and I asked them to dance and they said, "No, its girls night out". So I told her, "its okay honey, I am gay!". They all started laughing and she said "No your not!" I am like what do you mean I am not!? She said, "Your not gay, your artsy. You must be an artist!". So I told her, "fine, Ill just have to paint a nude of you". She laughed, made a naughty face, and then we all danced. Its about being able to talk and say the right things. This is the wit you need in clubs. You can't hesistate with these come backs when a woman tests your wit.

Not to worry though proton, you have many great things on your side. You just have to learn how to use them, and evaluate yourself on how you dress and act around people and refine it. You need to find a style that fits you and work with it. Everyone has a different body type and look. Know which one works for you, and jazz it up.

 

[Moonbear]

Not really. I've been to a very metal punk bar/club, to a very very trendy lounge, to a local college bar. By far the WORST girls are at the college bars. They don't conversate, and are too immature.

Conversate? Anyway, yeah, college bars are amateur's night out. The worst boys are at those too...half the patrons are underage with fake IDs (or bouncers who look the other way) anyway. Educated people have a variety of tastes, so just because you've been to a range of bars doesn't mean you haven't been to ones that cater to educated crowds, especially when you live in a big city.

Women 25 and older are the best to talk to because they can hold a conversation. You can always find smart girls at a bar, you just have to know how to talk to them or they will tell you to get lost before your done saying your name.

That's just a maturity issue. Men 25 and older can hold a better conversation than younger ones too. And younger people who are more mature-minded will relate to them better too.

Around here, the larger bars are usually the college bars. I go more often to the smaller neighborhood/"dive" bars. Those are the sorts of places where you can quickly get to know the bartenders, owner and everyone in the place. In this town, it's a place where quite a mix of people hang out rather than just the underage students out to get trashed. You'll get grad students, faculty, maintenance staff, and of course, other people from the town not affiliated with the university, all interested in a place to just unwind after work and have a drink or two and converse with the other people there without having to shout over a loud crowd.

Anyway, moot point since I don't think proton is really ready for the bar scene either.

 

[turbo]

Volunteer with a local charitable organization. You will find yourself working alongside decent people in a non-threatening environment. You don't have to hit on the females there - just be friendly and work hard. Many women are born match-makers and if they like you but don't have a personal interest in you, they'll hook you up with one of their friends. Male friends will be easier to develop, too, since you won't be in what a lot of guys consider a competitive situation, like a bar or a party scene.

 

[Cyrus]

Its not moot though. Eventually he will make friends and he will find himself in a bar with them. So he's going to need to know this.

Also, how old do you look proton? If you look young. Try to look older and talk to older women.

I would recommend eventually going to a bar because if you can talk to a woman in a cut-throat environment, talking to a woman (or anyone for that matter) anywhere else is a breeze.

 

[Astronuc]

Its not moot though. Eventually he will make friends and he will find himself in a bar with them.

Possibly, but not necessarily. When my wife and I dated, we did not go to bars. In fact, I don't ever remember going to a bar with my wife.

In my early years of university, I'd go to the pub with friends to drink and socialize, but I wasn't going to pick up women. I knew plenty of women from class or other social functions, so I never went out to pick up women.

 

[gravenewworld]

I can't tell you how many new friends I have made once I start getting into a heated argument that 0.999...=1.

 

[Cyrus]

Possibly, but not necessarily.

Have faith in proton!

I don't go to pick up women. I just enjoy talking to them. (flirting is the most fun and interesting because you test each others wit).

 

[Astronuc]

I don't go to pick up women. I just enjoy talking to them. (flirting is the most fun).

Yeah, I enjoyed talking with the women and sharing their company. I never was into flirting with strange women, or those I knew.

 

[Moonbear]

I can't tell you how many new friends I have made once I start getting into a heated argument that 0.999...=1.

I'm glad you made that comment though. All the nice clothes in the world won't help if you open every conversation talking about a subject very few people understand. People are usually most comfortable finding common ground in topics like the weather, traffic, news, entertainment, etc. If you launch right into conversations about physics, or literature, or history, you're going to get a lot of strange looks and blank stares and people wandering away thinking you're a snob. Get your fix of that here, and talk like a normal person in the normal world (if people get to know you and ask more about what you study or what you do for a living, then you can talk more about that). Even those of us with an education like to unwind and spend some time kvetching about the idiot drivers or the lack of any decent candidates running for election.

 

[Yonoz]

I don't know if any advice is still needed, but here's my two cents for proton:
Just try and keep an open mind, try to avoid labeling yourself and others - whether that label be "cool hot girl" or "nerd". Feel free to show interest and be different - it sounds like you're at an age when "different" gets a positive connotation.
And time heals everything, so don't be afraid to get a few bumps on your ego. As an old comic sketch goes: "be a man - humiliate yourself!"

 

[Moonbear]

I don't go to pick up women. I just enjoy talking to them. (flirting is the most fun and interesting because you test each others wit).

Yes, flirting can be fun and everyone leaves feeling good, even if nothing more ever happens. I'm still waiting for the day when you meet "the one" though, and find yourself tongue-tied and speechless over her.

 

[proton]

Also, how old do you look proton? If you look young. Try to look older and talk to older women.

I would recommend eventually going to a bar because if you can talk to a woman in a cut-throat environment, talking to a woman (or anyone for that matter) anywhere else is a breeze.

i'm a little asian nerd, so people think I'm a freshman. i thought you said not to go to bars yet since i have no close friends and lack social skills

Volunteer with a local charitable organization. You will find yourself working alongside decent people in a non-threatening environment. You don't have to hit on the females there - just be friendly and work hard. Many women are born match-makers and if they like you but don't have a personal interest in you, they'll hook you up with one of their friends. Male friends will be easier to develop, too, since you won't be in what a lot of guys consider a competitive situation, like a bar or a party scene.

i just joined a volunteer group a couple weeks ago. i'll see within the next couple weeks if its a good fit or not

 

[Cyrus]

Lots of asian people are small and thin, yet still come across as very fashionable. What kind of 'look' do you normally have? What do you usually wear. What do you do with your hair, do you have a beard? All these things make a difference on how people perceive you. When you come off as a 'cool' looking person, people naturally start talking to you. Not the other way around. See if you know any asian guys that are the same height and build as you and see what looks good on them. It will probably work for you too and is a starting point on finding a style that works.

 

[proton]

i have a fairly conservative look - usually a hoodie and jeans. i don't look really fashionable, yet i don't look like a total geek/nerd

 

[Cyrus]

Ditch the hoodie. Find something better to wear. You look 'normal'. Look fashionable.

Examples: A sweater with t-shirt over top and jeans.

A sweater with collar shirt and tie underneath. (less tie if your lazy)

Sweater with vest over it.

If you wear glasses (which I do), find a pair that compliments your face.

 

[Astronuc]

My fashion was jeans and T-shirt.

i'm a little asian nerd, so people think I'm a freshman.

My daughter would go for that. So don't worry. My daughter also likes intelligent conversation.

 

[Moonbear]

i'm a little asian nerd, so people think I'm a freshman.

There's hope for you yet. The young female student who had been here for two weeks "shadowing" me describes herself as a "nerdy Asian" too, and she was anything but nerdy. She was so sure she was going to wait until after she graduated before she worried about dating because she was worried dating would distract her from her studies. I told her that was just plain silly, that any guy who was "right" for her and respected her would not interfere with her studies, but it's a lot harder to meet a guy after you're out of school than before. I got the impression from her that a lot of her friends view dating similarly. So, there may be a whole bunch of young Asian "nerdy" women around just waiting for someone to persuade them to have some fun with them.

If people think you look a lot younger than you are (aside from this being something you'll learn to appreciate when you're older), take Cyrus' advice about paying attention to what you wear. If you dress more "professionally," it'll help you look more like your age rather than like a young kid. It doesn't hurt to start building a professional wardrobe anyway, because some day you're going to graduate and get a real job, and you're going to need to dress professionally then anyway.

 

[Cyrus]

Replace hoddie with these possible looks

http://www.uncrate.com/men/images/adidas-pistol-pete-jacket.jpg

http://men.style.com/slideshows/mens/standalone/details/fashion/0507/khaki/00004f.jpg

http://www.pilotshopusa.com/images_products/1045.jpg


There are all kinds of looks out there. Magazines, and music bands are a good way find 'cool' looks.

Now, contrast that with hoodie.

Not so good, is it?

 

[proton]

So, there may be a whole bunch of young Asian "nerdy" women around just waiting for someone to persuade them to have some fun with them.

well i certainly have not met any asian nerdy girls who also want to have fun. the only asian girls I've met are either much more talkative or social than me, or even more shy/awkward than me, which i don't find attractive

 

[proton]

Not so good, is it?

well of course that doesn't look good, the guy wearing a bandana and hoodie with guns lol. the guys i say have personalities closest to me dress similar to how i currently dress, so i don't think my clothes are the problem

 

[_Mayday_]

Just get out a bit more, and go so social gathering. You will slowly meet people, and then make better friends.

 

[BobG]

Replace hoddie with these possible looks

http://www.uncrate.com/men/images/adidas-pistol-pete-jacket.jpg

http://men.style.com/slideshows/mens/standalone/details/fashion/0507/khaki/00004f.jpg

http://www.pilotshopusa.com/images_products/1045.jpg


There are all kinds of looks out there. Magazines, and music bands are a good way find 'cool' looks.

Now, contrast that with hoodie.

Not so good, is it?

Not exactly an impartial sample pool there. You compared Mick Jagger and six Physics students to a psycho killer.

 

[Cyrus]

I did not say personality. I said body type.

Had to drive the point home bob. But when I see a hoddy, that's what I think of. 99% of the time I see someone wearing a hoodie is becaue they are too lazy to wear something else.

 

[Math Is Hard]

well i certainly have not met any asian nerdy girls who also want to have fun. the only asian girls I've met are either much more talkative or social than me, or even more shy/awkward than me, which i don't find attractive

So, "less social than you" is unattractive, and "more social than you" is unattractive?

 

[proton]

So, "less social than you" is unattractive, and "more social than you" is unattractive?

more social than me is attractive, i just don't like my odds of getting them

 

[Math Is Hard]

You forgot this look, Cyrus...

http://a.abcnews.com/images/Entertainment/ap_borat_071222_ms.jpg

 

[turbo]

My fashion was jeans and T-shirt.

Mine, too, and I still adhere to that. Well-worn jeans, sneakers, and soft old T-shirts are my normal "skin". I wore them to class, to social functions, and when performing on weekends. My band was a pretty laid-back bunch and we relied on our sound to make the impact, not our appearance. We had a drummer for a while that liked to dress nice, but he was hidden behind his kit including a screen of Zildjian cymbals, so he didn't count so much. Our black blues heroes were fashion-plates compared to us.

 

[Cyrus]

HOW MUCHHHHHHHHHHHH!?

I sware if you wore that you would get so many women and high fives from guys MIH.

 

[Moonbear]

the guys i say have personalities closest to me dress similar to how i currently dress, so i don't think my clothes are the problem

But that is a problem, because you shouldn't dress based only on your personality but on your body type. If you tend to look young and are wearing hoodies, which are a very young look (I think of those as something teenagers wear), then you're only going to reinforce that you're young. Instead, dress older (but still trendy...you don't want to suddenly look 40 either) just to look more your own age.

Some good looks for a young Asian guy:
http://www.drivenmag.com/images/newsMgr/dragonboys.jpg
The guy in the front. The others look too much like Asian mafia or old businessman.

Or a shirt like this paired with jeans would look very casual and cool.
http://www.lakewoodconferences.com/direct/dbimage/50288161/Men_s_Long_Sleeve_Shirt.jpg
(Make sure it FITS...if you wear a shirt too large, you just look more like a kid trying to play "dress up.")

 

[Moonbear]

more social than me is attractive, i just don't like my odds of getting them

I think your odds might be better than you think. I've often seen very talkative women paired up with quiet, shy guys. Afterall, if they're so talkative, it's best if the guy they're with isn't competing with that. On the other hand, don't dismiss those quieter than you. They may just need a few well-placed compliments to draw them out of their shells.