Can Long-Term Marriage Retain Its Spark?

[wolram]

After careful consideration i think i am to far gone, i am sure i would not have the patience or will power to commit to a life long partnership.

 

[turbo]

Good advice. Also, don't do like we did. Make sure you sign a pre-nup. We didn't and now neither one of us wants to get divorced.

My wife and I were living in a low-rent apartment using thrift-shop furniture and just scraping by when we got married. We were both unemployed at the time because the mill we worked at shut down, and the construction season hadn't started back up (winter). Our pre-nup would have been hilarious, like "If we break up, I get the dented Revere-Ware pot with the lid that doesn't match and the knife with the replaced wooden grip, and you get the electric fry-pan and the aluminum 2-cup percolator." Seriously, I owned clothes, an old motorcycle (no car), some hand-me-down pots and pans and kitchen utensils, some blankets and sheets, a modest stereo, some albums, and a guitar. If I had owned a car, my possessions could have fit in the back seat, easy.

I had to ask her to marry me quite a few times over the course of months before she said "yes". I'm glad she did. We both worked hard and took care of each other, and saved our money for things that were necessary. The first big thing I bought her (her birthday after we were married) was a Moosehead Maple kitchen table and a set of four matching chairs. After 32 years, I refinished the table top this summer. Should be good for another 32 years.

 

[Lisa!]

After careful consideration i think i am to far gone, i am sure i would not have the patience or will power to commit to a life long partnership.

Are you sure that you'd have a long life , then? I mean studies show that married men live longer .But the're more willing to die

 

[wolram]

Are you sure that you'd have a long life , then? I mean studies show that married men live longer .But the're more willing to die

It may not be a long life but it will be a reasonably contented one, cockney slang for wife is trouble and strife.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I feel your pain, I stuck it out with my first wife for that same reason. In the end, the money isn't worth it!

Don't call her my first wife. It'll go hard on the crockery.

 

[Chronos]

If you are married to the wrong person, every day can be hell. Unfortunately, you don't find out how wrong they are until after you've been married for awhile. This is why I can't imagine people getting married without having first lived together for at least a year or two.

You are a curse upon divorce attorneys, Evo. I don't need to live with anyone for much more than a week to figure out whether or not the relationship has long term potential. Your first encounter of the 'third kind' usually tells you everything you need to know about your prospective mate. Is he/she genuinely interested, or merely climbing a mountain?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

You are a curse upon divorce attorneys, Evo. I don't need to live with anyone for much more than a week to figure out whether or not the relationship has long term potential. Your first encounter of the 'third kind' usually tells you everything you need to know about your prospective mate. Is he/she genuinely interested, or merely climbing a mountain?

Tsu and I basically moved in together after the first date, but we waited a few years before making it official. My parents - married over 50 years - fell in love at first sight.

 

[Monique]

My boyfriend and I also moved into the same apartment within two months of dating. Now we've been living together for 3 years. Marriage is not something we really think about, we both don't like the whole theater that comes along with organizing it, only in case of a baby would I feel obliged to get married.

 

[Urvabara]

Hi!

I am 23 years old science nerd. I haven't ever even kissed anyone.

Well, back to studying some physics... -->

 

[wolram]

Hi!

I am 23 years old science nerd. I haven't ever even kissed anyone.

Well, back to studying some physics... -->

Hmmm, and i collect hens teeth.

 

[Urvabara]

Hmmm, and i collect hens teeth.

And I have thought that hens do not have teeth.

 

[wolram]

And I have thought that hens do not have teeth.

The old English game chicken does, it allso lays blue shelled eggs, some think it is a throw back to the dino age.

 

[Artaxerxes]

I think it's great that people stick together if they like it. I also think it's a great idea that they announce this by some ceremony, named e.g. marriage, to let the world know that they want to be considered as a union in social life and that the shop is closed for new relationships of the amorous kind.
But I don't think its a great idea that this ceremony should have any legal consequences. If the parties think there is a need for legal protection of their economic interests they should write a contract.
With the present status of marriage the consequences may be absurd if e.g. a wealthy man has married a penniless woman and they divorce after a short time.
You may consider what happened to the ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and ex-model Heather Mills.

 

[Lisa!]

Tsu and I basically moved in together after the first date, but we waited a few years before making it official. My parents - married over 50 years - fell in love at first sight.

My boyfriend and I also moved into the same apartment within two months of dating. Now we've been living together for 3 years. Marriage is not something we really think about, we both don't like the whole theater that comes along with organizing it, only in case of a baby would I feel obliged to get married.

Well I'm pretty sure that you know each other quite well before dating!

 

[cevdet.erturk]

I was surpised to see the users discussing social topics (I have just recognized it), but I appreciate that. By the way this is the most clicked topic I guess (: Anyways...

Everybody has a dream about the ideal love or the love in the movies...

Somebody make the dream reality (this rate is too small). This type of people finds the real love and never let it go... For them, marriage is not important... The importance is being together or sticking each other...

The other part of people can never make the dream reality (this rate is quiete big). They marry with someone who they supposed that they found real love. Then, the reality occurs. Love? Lost out of blue! Then, the marriage finishes. After that, they begin to search for the real one. Or, they die without tasting a real love. OR, they start a topic for searching the defition of marriage and married couples' situations to avoid their problems (:

I mean, the real love makes u blind and it never let's u ask anything about its future...

 

[Monique]

Well I'm pretty sure that you know each other quite well before dating!

Why? You can meet someone out of the blue and start dating

 

[Lisa!]

Why? You can meet someone out of the blue and start dating

Sure! But dating someone is something different from living with him. I mean you need to know someone well enough to move into the same home with him/her. And 2 months or 1st date isn't long enugh for knowing someone , IMO!

 

[J77]

The old English game chicken does, it allso lays blue shelled eggs, some think it is a throw back to the dino age.

It's mean using ye olde English sayings

 

[DaveC426913]

The best thing about being married is knowing that there's someone who likes being with you more than they like being with anyone else.

 

[Monique]

The best thing about being married is knowing that there's someone who likes being with you more than they like being with anyone else.

I don't agree, I think it should be: "the best thing about getting married.." what garantee do you have that your spouse still likes to be with you after some time of marriage? I think the best thing about being together is showing that you like to be together more than with anyone else.

 

[daveb]

I'm going through a divorce right now, so I can definitely say marriage requires two equal partners who are both willing to make necessary adjustments and have the maturity to actually try to work at making a marriage work. Aside from being a parent, marriage is the most difficult job a person can ever have. It requires constant compromise.

 

[MathematicalPhysicist]

well the big question should be how could you sleep every night with the same person and how can you tolerate their snoaring and other annoyities (a new word?!)?

i mean i assume you don't act like rabits every night, 365 nights. (-:

i heard that english couples (old ones) used to sleep in spererate beds, which seems fine by me, i mean if i want a little nudging with her i just combine the beds, and if I am not then separate beds, looks like the logical approach. (-:

 

[sneez]

Marriage is not a playground, its hardwork and more hardwork, while the rewards are numerous and great its still a hardwork. Definitelly agree with daveb on the most difficult job a person can have. I can easily see how the hardwork can undo the rewards if the person is not liking/willing to work. (do not ask about the nature of what I mean by work, those married can attest that its much harder than lifting rocks all day and W=F*d*cos(o) is just not going to do it to know how much is required:), its mental work and lot of it is in making compromises).

Of cause, its possible to get it without working. Thats the scenario when one partner dominates the other in all respects and hence governs as absolute ruler :D, here only 1 party may actually be enjoying it but not necessarily. Its very complex topic, I like analyzing it, which does not mean I know what I am doing :D .

 

[Evo]

Sure! But dating someone is something different from living with him. I mean you need to know someone well enough to move into the same home with him/her. And 2 months or 1st date isn't long enugh for knowing someone , IMO!

Sometimes you just know instantly that it's right. I think those relationships can often be the best. Wow Monique, it seems like only yesterday that you met him. It's so nice to hear it's going so well.

I've lived alone for so long that I'm convinced that the only way I could have a successful relationship is if they lived no closer than next door and they would have to know when to leave me alone. I really enjoy time by myself, especially at night.

 

[Evo]

Marriage is not a playground, its hardwork and more hardwork, while the rewards are numerous and great its still a hardwork. Definitelly agree with daveb on the most difficult job a person can have. I can easily see how the hardwork can undo the rewards if the person is not liking/willing to work. (do not ask about the nature of what I mean by work, those married can attest that its much harder than lifting rocks all day and W=F*d*cos(o) is just not going to do it to know how much is required:), its mental work and lot of it is in making compromises).

See, that's where I disagree, a good relationship doesn't require hard work, bad relationships require hardwork. It's when the person isn't right for you that you have to make a lot of compromises and concessions, etc...

I think the idea of marriage needing to be a difficult struggle comes from outdated ideas of marriage being some kind of sacred mistake that one needs to remain stuck in, no matter what. Back in the old days, most women either had to be married or they were considered as a burden to their family, they really didn't have much choice. Now women in most societies can support themselves and that's changed how marriage is viewed.

My parents weren't compatible, but they refused to get divorced, so they solved the problem by living in two separate homes. My mom and us kids lived at the main house and my dad stayed at the lake house.

 

[sneez]

I think this disagreement is just a matter of how we internalize what is referred to as "work". I can say that you have either never been married for longer time (more than 3 years, and living together even though closer to, is still far away from 'marriage' when the legality and finacial side kicks in) or if have this exact kind of thinking (work requirement being outdated and to it related psychology) in both partners leads to divorce.

To the first point: Its not as if married couple is in gulag camp, trying to get through another day, on the contrary the work becomes the love for the other, however, there is dynamics in relationships and the nonlinearity of it are great ... (for geeks: http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pubs/paper277.htm, for psychology oriented ones: I like jung particulary shadow/anima/animus)

I am not sure why is it abhorent to acknowledge that work is needed in successful relationship. Maybe we all got carried away with this age and instant gratification which gets projected into our relationships. This false/deceiving cult of romantic love is getting grip onto our generations and causing severe neurological problems which results in damage to our pschology. Any teenager today who gets through all the sex and partying (where social status toward opposite sex is assesed) is so damaged in general, that any perspective of realationship with opposite sex is hopeless. Only constant projection of the psychological illusion of perfect partner who is just right get projected over and over again, totally missing the person who it is project onto. (This rant is certainly not to you Evo, its in general how I see the situation through your typical comment). I guarantee, you will come learn something about yourself from this: We, the psychology of romantic love: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062504363/?tag=pfamazon01-20
(very short, and great expansion on jungian concepts as related to love)

 

[DaveC426913]

I don't agree, I think it should be: "the best thing about getting married.." what garantee do you have that your spouse still likes to be with you after some time of marriage?

That's why you "try before you buy".

 

[Evo]

I've been married twice, first time for 9 years, second time for 17 years. I finally had to admit in both relationships that I wasn't happy and we weren't compatible.

If you and your spouse turn out to not have the same goals, parenting style, beliefs, traits, etc... then you realistically aren't a good match. Unfortunately a lot of these things aren't discovered until after you are married. If you have to "work" at trying not to argue, if you feel you are having to give things up and are forced to make concessions in order to get along, it's a bad relationship that you are just applying bandages to. But to each his own, if people want to live like that, that's their decision. I don't think people should be told that a "good" relationship requires unhappiness and sacrifice, that's not true.

I'm single because I don't want to live a life like that. I'd rather face the challenges of making it on my own than live with someone I'm not compatible with and have to "make concessions" and compromise myself.

I know a lot of people that are compatible and have great marriages or relationships. That doesn't mean that once in a while they don't have a disagreement over some isolated incident, but that's an exception, not the rule. They don't have to "work" at trying to be happy with each other. Those are healthy relationships. That's the only kind of relationship I will accept now that I understand what to look for in a partner.

 

[sneez]

I think I understand. There is certainly no general help/advice on this. From what you describe I can comment that it takes 2 to the work, unfortunalelly.

Good match has everything to do with what you describe, but is not sufficient condition. (I don't want to say necessary because its not, but in general is important)

Its respectful to know what one wants and there is no single thing being wrong even when getting out from "healty" marriage if that outweights the benefit of staying together.

I do not dare to pass judgement on other couple's relationship on its greatness or otherwise just from outsider's perspective (even my closest friends).

When asked a question : "how is it like to be married"? (which implies what to expect), I would strongly caution the couple about the work involved rather than the many and great benefits of being together, because its the "work" that leads to divorce/distrust/abuse/psychological harm/etc

 

[Evo]

When asked a question : "how is it like to be married"? (which implies what to expect), I would strongly caution the couple about the work involved rather than the many and great benefits of being together, because its the "work" that leads to divorce/distrust/abuse/psychological harm/etc

I think we're in agreement that marriage is not something to take lightly. It's so easy to get married, so difficult (and costly) to get out of.

I would much rather see my two girls live with someone than get married, neither of my sisters chose to marry and they are happy.

 

[Monique]

I would much rather see my two girls live with someone than get married, neither of my sisters chose to marry and they are happy.

It's funny that you should say that, both my parents and my boyfriend's parents have said that we don't need to get married, we should just be happy. Since both our parents our still together after 25+ years of marriage (and still radiating affection), they are great role models.

 

[Evo]

It's funny that you should say that, both my parents and my boyfriend's parents have said that we don't need to get married, we should just be happy. Since both our parents our still together after 25+ years of marriage (and still radiating affection), they are great role models.

That is so wonderful to hear. Great advice too!

My mom was the opposite, she told me "a man won't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free". Gee, thanks for comparing me to a cow mom.

 

[turbo]

Cohabitation before marriage is a good idea. The time-frame should be long enough for the couple to go through some ups and downs before making a commitment to wed. If the death of a close friend or relative or the loss of a job or a forced move (to get a new job, for instance) or some other stressful events just bring you closer together (out of love and mutual support, not out of some one-sided clingy dependence), then the odds are good that you are made for one another.

 

[Evo]

That reminds me of the "former Miss Ohio" that I worked with. Her husband didn't get a raise she demanded he ask for, so she divorced him. She said she didn't want to be tied to a loser. (well Miss Ohio, you lost the Miss America pageant) She was weird, her hair never moved, and she could smile without moving any facial muscles, it was really eerie.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Cohabitation before marriage is a good idea.

You should explain this to my wife, Lisa!, who decided we were married without even having spent a minute in the same hemisphere of the globe together. I wasn't even invited to the wedding.