Can Long-Term Marriage Retain Its Spark?

[Chi Meson]

My wife has a strong personality in some ways, and I have a strong personality and attitude (but no ego), but we work it out.

This is I think, the key.

My wife, Pam, has a very strong personality. She has two master's degrees: one in Chemistry, one in English Literature. She runs ultramarathons. She says I have a strong personality. We do have egos as well, but they are not overbearing. Neither of us have any claim to be "in charge," and neither expect the other to be "in charge."

We were married for 7 years before we had our first (of three) kids. This was not by design, but I think it's good advice. We made it through the first 7 without a single argument. I am serious. Nothing worse than "Hey! I was watching that!"

I think we were very lucky to have met. When I first thought about marriage, I didn't have to "weigh the pros and cons," there was clearly no reason not to get married. If you have any inner voice saying that marriage to this person is not the right thing to do, listen to it. There should be no question.

And I didn't buy her a ring, I bought her a bicycle.

Next week is our 14th anniversary. Still no arguments that lasted longer than a minute.

 

[turbo]

This is I think, the key.

My wife, Pam, has a very strong personality. She has two master's degrees: one in Chemistry, one in English Literature. She runs ultramarathons. She says I have a strong personality. We do have egos as well, but they are not overbearing. Neither of us have any claim to be "in charge," and neither expect the other to be "in charge."

We were married for 7 years before we had our first (of three) kids. This was not by design, but I think it's good advice. We made it through the first 7 without a single argument. I am serious. Nothing worse than "Hey! I was watching that!"

I think we were very lucky to have met. When I first thought about marriage, I didn't have to "weigh the pros and cons," there was clearly no reason not to get married. If you have any inner voice saying that marriage to this person is not the right thing to do, listen to it. There should be no question.

And I didn't buy her a ring, I bought her a bicycle.

Next week is our 14th anniversary. Still no arguments that lasted longer than a minute.

What a great story! My wife and I have been together for going on 33 years, with little more that a bump here and there. If one of us is upset about something, it takes nothing more than "I love you" to open a dialog and square things.

 

[Evo]

Those are examples of GOOD RELATIONSHIPS! That's what I've been talking about.

Relationships where you feel like you're treading on eggshells, always trying to avoid an argument, giving in, giving up on things you enjoy, being afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, those are BAD relationships. Learning how to endure a bad relationship is unhealthy, but a lot of people make a lot of money off of promoting ways to prolong them.

 

[Moonbear]

Those are examples of GOOD RELATIONSHIPS! That's what I've been talking about.

Relationships where you feel like you're treading on eggshells, always trying to avoid an argument, giving in, giving up on things you enjoy, being afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, those are BAD relationships. Learning how to endure a bad relationship is unhealthy, but a lot of people make a lot of money off of promoting ways to prolong them.

Yep, this thread is making me feel all warm and squishy now. It's nice to hear about good relationships.

 

[JasonRox]

I just don't feel like being tied down. Atleast not now anyways.

It's great to hear nice stories and how well people get along together.

I'm at the point where I want to explore and do things I'm on my own. Yeah, I can have someone by my side (in a good relationship), but I'll miss out on other things I haven't done yet.

 

[momentum_waves]

Here's a question for the wise:

A man has a committed relationship with a woman in a foreign country, where he may not legally own land. He marries her in the understood communal system of the country, which allows each to bring assets into the relationship & recognises a 50:50 split of the joint fruits of the relationship should it dissolve.

The man enters in full faith & trust.

A year, or so into the relationship, they 'jointly' purchase land, meaning he puts up the funds & she signs the paperwork. This is all based on trust. They plan to develop a joint life together into the future.

A year down the track, the man finds out that the woman's family have misappropriated the land, with her full knowledge. This fact had been hidden from the man.

Based on this scenario, could, or should the man consider retaining a long-term relationship with the woman? In other words, how does the 'trust' element & violation thereof enter the life-equation. Remember, the rules of engagement of the two cultures are poles apart.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Those are examples of GOOD RELATIONSHIPS! That's what I've been talking about.

Well, I think those relationships sound great, but I think it is fantasy for everyone to expect the same. For example, no one could spend 14 years with me and never have a disagreement lasting longer than a minute. Heck, I spend more time than that arguing with myself!

I don't think I have ever known a couple that didn't have a fight now and then.

 

[Moonbear]

I just don't feel like being tied down. Atleast not now anyways.

It's great to hear nice stories and how well people get along together.

I'm at the point where I want to explore and do things I'm on my own. Yeah, I can have someone by my side (in a good relationship), but I'll miss out on other things I haven't done yet.

I think that's a completely normal feeling when one is still young ("young" being a relative term). However, my experiences in "good" relationships have been that I didn't miss out on anything, but rather I had someone to enjoy them with me (or to stand behind me while I took some big risks, knowing they'd be there to catch me if I fell, which encouraged doing things I might have "played it safe" on had I not had them as a safety net). However, I think that if you find the right person, this won't even be an issue any longer, and until you've found her, keep on doing what you're doing and having fun on your own.

 

[Chi Meson]

However, I think that if you find the right person, this won't even be an issue any longer, and until you've found her, keep on doing what you're doing and having fun on your own.

Bingo.

Chances are, if you ever were to "find her," she'll be in those places that you want to go.

 

[Astronuc]

Here's a question for the wise:

A man has a committed relationship with a woman in a foreign country, where he may not legally own land. He marries her in the understood communal system of the country, which allows each to bring assets into the relationship & recognises a 50:50 split of the joint fruits of the relationship should it dissolve.

The man enters in full faith & trust.

A year, or so into the relationship, they 'jointly' purchase land, meaning he puts up the funds & she signs the paperwork. This is all based on trust. They plan to develop a joint life together into the future.

A year down the track, the man finds out that the woman's family have misappropriated the land, with her full knowledge. This fact had been hidden from the man.

Based on this scenario, could, or should the man consider retaining a long-term relationship with the woman? In other words, how does the 'trust' element & violation thereof enter the life-equation. Remember, the rules of engagement of the two cultures are poles apart.

Based on the deception, it would appear that the woman does not love the man, but rather took advantage of him. That would seem to preclude a healthy long-term relationship. The man seems committed, but the woman does not.

To love someone is to care about them and respect them, and in the situation described, it seems one way. The man cares for the woman and hopes for the same in return, but the deception would indicate that is not the case.

Would the man consider becoming a citizen of the other country? Is the woman willing to marry him? Would that marriage be a good one?

 

[Astronuc]

Chances are, if you ever were to "find her," she'll be in those places that you want to go.

That is an excellent point. One has a chance of encounter potential mates/partners with similar interests.

I'm in Ivan's camp. I needed someone who could work with me, and so a strong personality helps.

Neither of us have any claim to be "in charge," and neither expect the other to be "in charge."

I prefer shared responsibilities, and sharing the mundane tasks of everyday living.

Relationships where you feel like you're treading on eggshells, always trying to avoid an argument, giving in, giving up on things you enjoy, being afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing,

Well, we actually went through periods like that, particularly early on. My wife had a lot of issues left over from her parents relationship, and I didn't fully understand it. There were times when I felt like I was d@****d if I did, d@****d if I didn't, but I was determined to persevere. This is why communication is SO important. We eventually resolved things and improved the communication.

We waited to have children because we were both in grad school, and I was working full time as well as going to school and teaching (primarily to pay of my wife's school loans and pay for our grad school programs). My daughter was born just before I left grad school and took my first job. That was very stressful, because the job required long hours and travel, which cut into my ability to be available to my family.

 

[momentum_waves]

A very wise answer indeed.

Would the man consider becoming a citizen of the other country? Is the woman willing to marry him? Would that marriage be a good one?

I'll have to ask him.

Based on knowledge of the situation, (1) I'd estimate he'd find it almost impossible to become a citizen of said country due to limited, or almost non-existent naturalization policies. (2) She would probably marry him as an ongoing ATM account & for her convenience. (3) Given her past behavior, I doubt the marriage would be wise & I expect he'd agree to this.

This property ownership issue has caused tremendous difficulties in such countries as Thailand, for instance.

I brought it up as an example of what can go wrong, especially between folks of differing cultures & norms. The exercise of caution & discretion would be wise in such situations. The relationship would need to be tested on its merits before solid commitments were to ever be made.

 

[JasonRox]

I think that's a completely normal feeling when one is still young ("young" being a relative term). However, my experiences in "good" relationships have been that I didn't miss out on anything, but rather I had someone to enjoy them with me (or to stand behind me while I took some big risks, knowing they'd be there to catch me if I fell, which encouraged doing things I might have "played it safe" on had I not had them as a safety net). However, I think that if you find the right person, this won't even be an issue any longer, and until you've found her, keep on doing what you're doing and having fun on your own.

Yeah, it's definitely great to have someone with you. I do feel like being on my own now is important for me though.

At the very least, have great friends to share life with.

 

[Urvabara]

I am too old to learn these social things. Never had a girlfriend. I am shy and I do not drink/smoke... :shy:

I will probably be a hermit...

I hope that I will be Ph.D. in Physics. That's the most important thing in the life...

 

[whitay]

Heh. I've never had a girlfriend and it means **** all seriously. drink or smoke, i never a lot of alcohol until i came to germany, now I've got my hands around a lot of vodka and beer drinking. But like don't drink to much beer that **** does werid stuff to you body and you need to have a lot of **** next morning to get used to a lot of vodka.

Just because you want to study physics doesn't mean you are going to be a hermit or nerd or some bull****. You just got to be like, I'll get some friends and then Ill chill with them and stuff and then in your spare time study physics etc. I mean if you only ever have one girlfriend and it turns to be your one true love then good on you, you kick a lot of peoples arse at the dating game.

I mean age is a number seriously. Nothing more than a number. The people who use that number and give it pseudo-value are F U C K E D. I mean seriously if some says 'umm you are to old' or 'umm you are to young', F U C K E M, they are just jugding you an everyone else by there number. When they probably can't even add 45 and 23 together fast enough.

Don#t, don't, don't, don't get your self down or something because well you arn't exactly like someone else. You were never met to be like them. Be you and show people you.

Back to the topic, if you get married at 25 or 65 it don't matter. i mean I am 19 and i cannot imagine getting married 25. my indicator to get married is when my skin turns rinkly and flabby and I am just ready to do some really chilling time.

like i got less then 6hours sleep last night. 2 were on the couch at a friends place after i had drunk alittle to much and couldn't be bothered playing poker anymore. I don't remember getting home. But i remember brushing my teeth and waking up at 7am wearing everything still, my jacket and everything. My camera, phone and wallet were still in my pocket. Then i had to get ready and ride my bike 3km to the next town and then back for my germancourse and dam was i wreak. Can you married guys do that? if so it might not be so bad.Later

 

[JasonRox]

\
Just because you want to study physics doesn't mean you are going to be a hermit or nerd or some bull****. \ \

People do this because of conformity amongst something they think is true. They think that Physicists and Mathematicians are loners and do nothing but study all day. Therefore, to be in the "in-group" you must conform to the customs of the group. Although these customs are not true, but if they are in your mind, you will conform to it because it is what you believe.

I see everywhere at school amongst the 4th years at school. Whether they know it or not, it kills their character and personality they may have once had (and probably did have).

 

[Lisa!]

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."​

 

[JasonRox]

Why is love always associated with one special person?

There are no signs of a limit on our mental capacity to love more than one person.

 

[DaveC426913]

Why is love always associated with one special person?

There are no signs of a limit on our mental capacity to love more than one person.

No, but there is a limit on our emotional capacity to be loved by less than a whole person.

 

[DaveC426913]

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."​

It would be so more more poignant if written grammatically correctly.

 

[JasonRox]

No, but there is a limit on our emotional capacity to be loved by less than a whole person.

Yes, so we need atleast one person.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

It would be so more more poignant if written grammatically correctly.

Looks good to me. Is the problem 'consists in/consists of"?

 

[chemisttree]

Or replace 'consist in' with 'mean' and, frankly, I think love means so much more than just looking somewhere...

 

[Evo]

I think love means so much more than just looking somewhere...

 

[Evo]

Can we get to stupid love quotes that irk me?

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.

by Kahlil Gibran.

In real life, if you love somebody and let them go, they will be hurt and confused and not understand why you let them go. They're most likely to assume you don't care and never return. I've always thought this was the worst advice.

Another line I hate - "love means never having to say you're sorry".

 

[turbo]

Or replace 'consist in' with 'mean' and, frankly, I think love means so much more than just looking somewhere...

Some time ago, there was a seemingly hokey country song (may have been by Clint Black) about his wife and him facing opposite directions (one line was "back to back we face each other") and the premise was that they had different world-views, and saw different stuff coming, and watched out for each other. Not such a bad view of marriage. My wife picks up on familial/social stuff that sometimes flies under my radar, and I've got my own "antennae" out for things of a more pragmatic nature and I have a keen sense the distinction between the concepts of "important" and "urgent". We refuse to live any important parts of our lives in a reactive mode. That way lies weakness, helplessness, and dependence (did I mention unhappiness and conflict?)

 

[turbo]

Can we get to stupid love quotes that irk me?

by Kahlil Gibran.

In real life, if you love somebody and let them go, they will be hurt and confused and not understand why you let them go. They're most likely to assume you don't care and never return. I've always thought this was the worst advice.

Another line I hate - "love means never having to say you're sorry".

Oh, man! The most hurtful, damaging, crap can come out of such mindless trash. There was some great stuff happening in the '60's, but neither of these works qualified.

 

[DaveC426913]

Yes, so we need atleast one person.

More to the point, most people need to be loved by no less than 1.0 persons (0.5 love is not enough). This is a dumb way of saying, we need to have our love be returned exclusively - that the person loving us cannot divide that love amongst other people.

You, see it is not the lover that has a problem with multiple partners (as you pointed out) - it's the lovee.

 

[DaveC426913]

Can we get to stupid love quotes that irk me?

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.

I have always preferred this version:



If you love something, set it free
If it comes back, it's yours
If it doesn't,
Hunt it down and kill it.

 

[DaveC426913]

Looks good to me. Is the problem 'consists in/consists of"?

Yes.

 

[Math Is Hard]

THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours...

THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

and my favorite..

THE PLAYFUL VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat.


Swiped from: http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/7729.htm

 

[Moonbear]

Can we get to stupid love quotes that irk me?

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.

by Kahlil Gibran.

In real life, if you love somebody and let them go, they will be hurt and confused and not understand why you let them go. They're most likely to assume you don't care and never return. I've always thought this was the worst advice.

It's not about just breaking up randomly with someone you love and crushing them, it's about not hanging on and stifling them when they need to do something that you can't do with them. I think it best applies to the long-distance relationship scenario. If your partner needs to move away for college, or a career opportunity, especially when you know it is only temporary, rather than stifle them and insist they stay close to you, let them go. If you have a great relationship, it'll survive the distance and they'll return to you. If the relationship really wasn't meant to be anyway, you'll both just eventually drift further apart and won't get back together again.

 

[Curious3141]

THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours...

THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

and my favorite..

THE PLAYFUL VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat.


Swiped from: http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/7729.htm

Don't forget the psychopath version : "If you love something, set it free...If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't come back, HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!"

 

[Astronuc]

Can we get to stupid love quotes that irk me?

[QUOTE by Kahlil Gibran]If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.

In real life, if you love somebody and let them go, they will be hurt and confused and not understand why you let them go. They're most likely to assume you don't care and never return.[/QUOTE] I think Gibran was referring to not being possessive of someone, and perhaps the case where one's partner leaves. It's not that one pushes the other away.

I want my wife with me because she WANTS to be with me as much as I want to be with her. It wouldn't work if she felt forced to stay in the relationship.

Another line I hate - "love means never having to say you're sorry".

I agree - bad advice.

Why is love always associated with one special person?

There are no signs of a limit on our mental capacity to love more than one person.

One can 'love' many people. But what does 'to love' mean in that context?

I can love several or many women in the sense that I can care about them as fellow human beings, as colleagues, as friends . . . . , BUT I can only be a husband to one.

The relationship of marriage requires a huge investment that really can only be effective in a monogamous (exclusive) relationship.

 

[JasonRox]

The relationship of marriage requires a huge investment that really can only be effective in a monogamous (exclusive) relationship.

I feel as though society makes it that way.

But one thing for sure is that if you spend 3 years with someone, break up, then 3 years with another, then break up, and so on and so on is definitely not an easy way to go. Everyone knows break ups aren't the best. So, if you want a real relationship, aim for one with no break ups.