Collection of Lame Jokes

[Stavros Kiri]

One day a year they let me call a hyperbolic trig function, but only up to a limit, and I have to return it in identical form.

Last year a spline accidentally broke the transcendental function. So, this year I only get to borrow a Taylor series. Shucks.

I have a singularity on sale (half price). Interested?
But:

Spoiler

it's soon to blow up! ...

 

[Klystron]

I actually used one of these sentences , replying to someone who had gone to school with the person who ultimately became Miss Mississippi. They mentioned this, and stated he had no seen her for a while. "Do you miss Miss Miss(issippi)". But , yes, the others are forced, but I think it is funny to have people try to pronounce more of one of these phrases. They end up looking exhausted, without knowing why :).EDIT: I have thought of writing a small play ( say 5-10 min) to be performed in the streets/subway with plenty of these tripled sentences, without warning the audience. The audience will sense there is something unusual, without knowing what, which is kind of fun.

My last senator mentioned "...more Mormon money means..." during a speech. Sounded like "MoMo-morons-me". [No offense intended.]

 

[Ibix]

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/today-i-learned.783257/page-131#post-6096485

However, @Ibix didn't tell it.

@DrGreg beat me to it.

 

[Klystron]

Actually received a mathematics degree; but it only covers integers. Good thing I became a programmer. < zing! >
Hey Jude! School of computer science:...DEAD!"

[snip!]

Yes, IT for me! 4me IT!

Some people enter IT for the money, bucks, euros, yankee-dollar$, stuff, lucre, it!

I'm content joining a profession with a recursive name. IT!

 

[WWGD]

The name Emile ( E mile ) has been metric'd into E(1.609 km ). Not too catchy.

 

[WWGD]

My last senator mentioned "...more Mormon money means..." during a speech. Sounded like "MoMo-morons-me". [No offense intended.]

To extend it a bit . I knew this lady with first name 'Amor' ( which means 'Love' in Spanish. Kind of unusual).
There is a murmur, Amor more Mormon money means... Feel free to extend it anyone.

 

[fresh_42]

I knew this lady with first name 'Amor' ( which means 'Love' in Spanish. Kind of unusual).

Amor is a Roman God, their version of the Greek Eros. So this name is not more unusual than Venus Williams or Love Rosa Gantt are!

 

[WWGD]

Amor is a Roman God, their version of the Greek Eros. So this name is not more unusual than Venus Williams or Love Rosa Gantt are!

Well, yeah, she was not so bad, but not quite a Roman god. But Rome is Roma in Italian and they are order- reverses( mirror images ) of each other : Roma <--> Amor, so maybe you are right.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

To extend it a bit . I knew this lady with first name 'Amor' ( which means 'Love' in Spanish. Kind of unusual).
There is a murmur, Amor more Mormon money means... Feel free to extend it anyone.

Legitimately you are entitled to one more "more" since "Amor more Mormon money means more tithes and offerings" if that's what the senator meant ...
(That's the best I can do.)

 

[WWGD]

Legitimately you are entitled to one more "more" since "Amor more Mormon money means more tithes and offerings" if that's what the senator meant ...
(That's the best I can do.)

H'about:
The murmur :Amor, more Mormon money, or more mortgage morass.
Maybe we can make it into a book, or at least a short story ;).

 

[fresh_42]

All cowards here. Nobody dares to use the other "mor" word in this context

That leads me to an interesting question: Is it political incorrect or even discriminating, if one claims that in a certain group are people with a certain attribute? There is no "all" quantifier which pc people often assume, failing to read for the sake of an argument. And I'm convinced that each group, however defined, always contains people with even questionable, will say unflattering properties. So does pc dictate to speak nicely of an entire group, although there are surely idiots among them?

 

[WWGD]

All cowards here. Nobody dares to use the other "mor" word in this context

That leads me to an interesting question: Is it political incorrect or even discriminating, if one claims that in a certain group are people with a certain attribute? There is no "all" quantifier which pc people often assume, failing to read for the sake of an argument. And I'm convinced that each group, however defined, always contains people with even questionable, will say unflattering properties. So does pc dictate to speak nicely of an entire group, although there are surely idiots among them?

I just don't know what it means nor how to use it, that is why I don't use it any mor...

 

[Klystron]

I just don't know what it means nor how to use it, that is why I don't use it any mor...

Italian semiotics expert Umberto Eco defines the term in the English translation of Focualt's Pendulum. Eco creates a 3-level hierarchy (idiot-cretin-moron) that describes every human interaction but with present company always excluded out of politeness.

 

[DrGreg]

I've lost my dictionary. I can't find the words to express how I feel.

 

[Klystron]

I think I got the job! "Yay!" <smiley faces>

The interviewers asked me to describe my greatest strength. "Sincere ability to lie with a straight face.".
They asked me how I like to relax. "Imitating chimpanzee mating screams like Jane Goodall: "CAW! YOWL! Ba-BUCK! Skree! SKREE!'"
After things quieted down they asked if I spoke any foreign languages. Naturally, I conducted the rest of the interview in Klingon.
Finally asked me if I was 'looking for six figures' plus stock. "Sure. I love integers! But I'm a vegetarian...".

I don't think I got the job. "Shucks!" <frowny faces>

 

[Ibix]

They asked me how I like to relax. "Imitating chimpanzee mating screams like Jane Goodall: "CAW! YOWL! Ba-BUCK! Skree! SKREE!'"

You should apply to where @DaveC426913 works - see this post.

 

[fresh_42]

I've lost my dictionary. I can't find the words to express how I feel.

I've read these days:

"Dear teenagers!
Santa was reviewed your facebook profiles.
You will be given clothes and a dictionary this christmas."

 

[Klystron]

You should apply to where @DaveC426913 works - see this post.

Excellent memory!

I based that joke on public talks Goodall gave while at Stanford. She provided numerous exemplars of chimpanzee and bonobo speech. The more anti-science hecklers interrupted her talk, the louder and sharper her chimp cries in return. Loud!

The Klingon answer's also reality-based. Dude was all "I prefer early-Klingon but my Romulan accent makes me difficult to comprehend!", interviewing for a scientific programming job at Ames. Klingon, along with FORTRAN 77 and C++, made a good match. The Trekkie was offered a position but ended up at Oracle, IMS.

 

[WWGD]

Excellent memory!

I based that joke on public talks Goodall gave while at Stanford. She provided numerous exemplars of chimpanzee and bonobo speech. The more anti-science hecklers interrupted her talk, the louder and sharper her chimp cries in return. Loud!

The Klingon answer's also reality-based. Dude was all "I prefer early-Klingon but my Romulan accent makes me difficult to comprehend!", interviewing for a scientific programming job at Ames. Klingon, along with FORTRAN 77 and C++, made a good match. Got an offer but ended up at Oracle, IMS.

I personally prefer bird calls when someone is within a small radius. I used them at large B&N stores too: Ka-Kaw Ka-Kaw ! Ka-Kaw Ka-Kaw!

 

[fresh_42]

Got an offer but ended up at Oracle, IMS.

Oracle as ERP or DB?

 

[WWGD]

Oracle as ERP or DB?

EDIT My offer was for Oracle as BURP and FART , aka SQL Server.

 

[Klystron]

Oracle as ERP or DB?

DB software (I had to look up ERP.). Oracle paid better than Informatics (later Sterling Software) but the programmer's "shack" at the Unitary wind tunnel included a mock-up of the original Enterprise bridge including life-size posters of the principle characters. Klingon tolerated here!

 

[WWGD]

DB software (I had to look up ERP.). Oracle paid better than Informatics (later Sterling Software) but the programmer's "shack" at the Unitary wind tunnel included a mock-up of the original Enterprise bridge including life-size posters of the principle characters. Klingon tolerated here!

In my experience, DB jobs are the ultimate catch -22 of not offering any entry level ( i my case) for fear of losing their data and then not giving you any positions from lack of experience. But I guess you are ahead of me. How did you avoid the catch -22?

 

[Klystron]

In my experience, DB jobs are the ultimate catch -22 of not offering any entry level ( i my case) for fear of losing their data and then not giving you any positions from lack of experience. But I guess you are ahead of me. How did you avoid the catch -22?

Serious subject. Oracle was there but I stayed at Ames as a software engineer for the advanced concepts flight simulator. Mainly finished projects other programmers eschewed. Executive-level systems control, error detection and mitigation, real-time data collection. Fun!

SW engineers wrote and shared our own DB code to meet specific NASA requirements.

 

[WWGD]

Serious subject. Oracle was there but I stayed at Ames as a software engineer for the advanced concepts flight simulator. Mainly finished projects other programmers eschewed. Executive-level systems control, error detection and mitigation, real-time data collection. Fun!

SW engineers wrote and shared our own DB code to meet specific NASA requirements.

Cool stuff. I ended up doing much more pedestrian stuff. Some Stats too. It was fun in the end, but I would have loved to have gone more deeply into DB. EDIT: Maybe I am getting too serious for this thread?

 

[Klystron]

An organist contemplating the future decides to explore physical chemistry to realize their dream of free universal sinus glue...

"Musing musician musters munificent mucus mucilage."

[editorial note: Verbs difficult in these concatenations. First choice was "munge" meaning "mangle" but no 'sss' sound. Rule: First syllable match 'mu' plus sibilant as in 'muse'. 'muster' appears correct but alters the initial vowel sound. 'mucus' shifts sibilant to second syllable, 'munificent' to fourth.]

 

[WWGD]

An organist contemplating the future decides to explore physical chemistry to realize their dream of free universal sinus glue...

"Musing musician musters munificent mucus mucilage."

[editorial note: Verbs difficult in these concatenations. First choice was "munge" meaning "mangle" but no 'sss' sound. Rule: First syllable match 'mu' plus sibilant as in 'muse'. 'muster' appears correct but alters the initial vowel sound. 'mucus' shifts sibilant to second syllable, 'munificent' to fourth.]

Good, you're in the right track!

 

[WWGD]

(Made up) Vatican logicians working overtime after Pope states: " I was wrong before, I actually _am_ infallible".

 

[Klystron]

(Made up) Vatican logicians working overtime after Pope states: " I was wrong before, I actually _am_ infallible".

Catholic corollary to the lying Cretan!

 

[Stavros Kiri]

(Made up) Vatican logicians working overtime after Pope states: " I was wrong before, I actually _am_ infallible".

Solution: He made a mistake earlier saying that he wasn't infallible, which proves that he is not. But if he isn't infallible then how did he make that mistake? Well, may be he just thinks he did! ...
(Epistemologically it is possible. May he has a justified belief that he did ... [etc.])

 

[Ibix]

(Made up) Vatican logicians working overtime after Pope states: " I was wrong before, I actually _am_ infallible".

By papal bull, perhaps?

 

[fresh_42]

By papal bull, perhaps?

No, definitely a no.

Paypal doesn't look bullish.

 

[Rive]

Vatican logicians working overtime

They will be paid in Vatican currency?

(Actually, I don't know if this one exists in the world anywhere else or: in what form does it exists, but in my country the term 'paid in Vatican currency' means something like 'may God reward you'.)

 

[WWGD]

No, definitely a no.

View attachment 236028

Paypal doesn't look bullish.

Maybe papa(l) bear, aka bill O'Reilly. A conspiracy. I knew it!

 

[WWGD]

They will be paid in Vatican currency?

(Actually, I don't know if this one exists in the world anywhere else or: in what form does it exists, but in my country the term 'paid in Vatican currency' means something like 'may God reward you'.)

Vous etes Rive Gauche ou Rive Droit? Mais pas de politicques ici, nous somme tous de centre ;).Hope my high school French is not too stale.