Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

A buzzard tried to board the airplane with two dead raccoons...
The flight attendant said "only one carrion per passenger"

 

[Borg]

Good to know when I go on vacation next month.

 

[256bits]

This is an old one...

Farmer, shopping for a bull to build up his cattle herd, finds one advertised for sale a few towns over.
Telling his missis as he heads on his way, " I am going over to take a look at it. If I buy it, I will telegraph you to bring the wagon to stock up on supplies also."
The bull is to the farmers liking.
Telegraph is 5 cents a word.
The farmer, valuing his hard earned money, telegraphs his wife "Comfortable"

 

[DrClaude]

The farmer, valuing his hard earned money, telegraphs his wife "Comfortable"

Took me a while, so for those who don't get it:

Spoiler

Comfortable = Come for the bull

 

[DrClaude]

Reminds me of

The shortest telegram exchange sent is attributed to Oscar Wilde. Living in Paris, he is supposed to have cabled his publisher in London to see how how his new book was doing. The telegram simply read “?” to which the reply cabled back was “!” (Although the story might be apocryphal; the same telegram has been attributed to Victor Hugo.)

Source:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/telegrams

 

[mfb]

The shortest telegram in the English language was from the Irish writer Oscar Wilde. He was living in Paris and he cabled his publisher in Britain to see how his new book was doing. The message read: “?” The publisher cabled back: “!”

It is good that they specified the language of the telegrams.

I also wonder which language allows shorter telegrams.

 

[gmax137]

Not sure how you could get shorter. Maybe the next shortest is en Espanol:
"¿?"
"¡!"

 

[collinsmark]

I also wonder which language allows shorter telegrams.

My guess is the language of Betelgeuse Five, given how much meaning can go into the simple, two letter word, "ix."

​

Ford Prefect's original name is only pronounceable in an obscure Betelgeusian dialect, now virtually extinct since the Great Collapsing Hrung Disaster of Gal./Sid.,Year 03758 which wiped out all of the old Praxibetel communities on Betelgeuse Seven. Ford's Father was the only man on the entire planet to survive the Great Collapsing Hrung disaster, by an extraordinary coincidence that he was never able satisfactorily to explain. The whole episode is shrouded in deep mystery: in fact no one ever knew what a Hrung was nor why it had chosen chosen to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven particularly. Ford's father, magnanimously waving aside the clouds of suspicion that had inevitably settled around him, came to live on Betelgeuse Five where he both fathered and uncled Ford; in memory of his now dead race he christened him in the ancient Praxibetel tongue.​

​

Because Ford never learned to say his original name, his father eventually died of shame, which is still a terminal disease in some parts of the Galaxy. The other kids at school nicknamed him Ix, which in the language of Betelgeuse Five translates as "boy who is not able to satisfactorily explain what a Hrung is, nor why it should choose to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven."​

Source: Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

 

[jtbell]

What units do millennials use for measuring their weight (mass)?

Instagrams.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

Q: Why should you never date tennis players?

A: Love means nothing to them.

 

[davenn]

 

[jack action]

So, technically, Moses is the first man to download files from the cloud using a tablet.

 

[Steelwolf]

@jack action "So, technically, Moses is the first man to download files from the cloud using a tablet."

And apparently the first to see and use Firefox, although it seems to have spread from Fox to Bush.

 

[fresh_42]

So, technically, Moses is the first man to download files from the cloud using a tablet.

 

[davenn]

Spoiler: AKA

Kenny Rogers song

 

[WWGD]

A buzzard tried to board the airplane with two dead raccoons...
The flight attendant said "only one carrion per passenger"

Carrion my wayward son! Yes, for nitpickers, the actual title is Carrion wayward son.

 

[davenn]

Carrion my wayward son! Yes, for nitpickers, the actual title is Carrion wayward son.

I have no idea what ... ?

 

[fresh_42]

I have no idea what ... ?

Click your heels together three times!

 

[davenn]

Click your heels together three times!

? ... that was from "The Wizard of Oz" wasn't it ?

still not sure how it relates to buzzards on a plane ?

 

[fresh_42]

? ... that was from "The Wizard of Oz" wasn't it ?

still not sure how it relates to buzzards on a plane ?

OZ →
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5ZJui3aPoQ
→ Carrion my wayward son!
→ one carrion per passenger
→ racoon
→ buzzard

 

[WWGD]

I have no idea what ... ?

A song they play almost hourly in any radio station: Carry on Wayward Son, by Kansas.

 

[davenn]

A song they play almost hourly in any radio station: Carry on Wayward Son, by Kansas.

never heard of it

 

[WWGD]

never heard of it

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=carry+on+wayward+son+youtube&t=h_&ia=videos , just in case you want to check it out.

 

[WWGD]

Hope the hair avalanche...er, the lead singer, did not scare anyone.
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=carry+on+wayward+son+youtube&t=h_&ia=videos ,

 

[256bits]

The disgruntled buzzard, next flight, brought along only chicken.

 

[danachiraq]

LOL..interesting jokes, great jobs

 

[fresh_42]

The disgruntled buzzard, next flight, brought along only chicken.

This was dumb. If he had brought sparrows instead, he could have let them fly in the cabin and avoid the extra fee for the weight of his baggage.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Not a lame joke, but apropos of the apes, an allegedly true story. Armstrong, Aldrin, and Collins were put into a decompression (or decontamination maybe?) chamber on the carrier that picked up Apollo 11 (USS Wasp, from memory). Nixon flew out for a photo op. A wide, but not tall, window had thoughtfully been provided in the chamber at a convenient height for seated people to talk. Unfortunately, he's the president and they're US military - so they stood up and saluted. Then sat down again, apparently all desperately worried that they'd somehow forgotten to zip their flies...

 

[fresh_42]

My windows won an Academy Award last year in the category: Best Dirt Film.

 

[WWGD]

I was asked here: How do you motivate the geodesic equation?
Common, geodesic equation, you can do it, I believe in you!

 

[strangerep]

How do you motivate the geodesic equation?

It's a lost cause -- geodesics can't accelerate.