Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

View attachment 251173

The sign says: "Please don't park too close to the driver's side. I am rather fat."

By the time anyone reads the sign they will likely already be parked. German efficiency needs an upgrade.

 

[mfb]

Use a bar that sticks out on the driver side. At the end, attach a sign "please leave that much space".

 

[fresh_42]

Use a bar that sticks out on the driver side.

An umbrella, use an umbrella! Those British ones: long with a handle and a metal peak at the end. I have recognized that swinging such an umbrella while crossing a street works perfectly! People fear the possibility of a scratch more than they fear an accident with a pedestrian.

 

[Ibix]

People fear the possibility of a scratch more than they fear an accident with a pedestrian.

Sometimes it's a problem: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgi_Markov

 

[davenn]

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses
and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

 

[davenn]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[jtbell]

jumping on the bandwagon.

Doesn't that imply the trampoline is on the roof of the bus?

 

[WWGD]

I was in my best physical shape at age one. People would look at me and say : Hey, you look like you're zero!

 

[Ibix]

Doesn't that imply the trampoline is on the roof of the bus?

Yes. So you have to time your bounces right to avoid injury from signboards and traffic lights etc. People who don't time it right find themselves lying by the side of the road, hurt, and tend to self-medicate with whatever's to hand - hence the expression off the wagon.

 

[Ibix]

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! A true warrior is not afraid of the dark!

 

[fresh_42]

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! A true warrior is not afraid of the dark!

How many red jerseys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three! The first dies from the short circuit he causes while trying. The second dies falling off the ladder, and the third does the job. But he wore a blue jersey.

 

[jack action]

 

[DrGreg]

And now a joke to use if you want to insult someone:

How many physics experts does it take to change a lightbulb?​

​

You don't know? I didn't think you would!​

 

[WWGD]

One of the worse- named recent books: "A crash course in driving".

 

[WWGD]

And now a joke to use if you want to insult someone:

How many physics experts does it take to change a lightbulb?​

​

You don't know? I didn't think you would!​

Maybe you can continue :Everyone else knew but you. Wonder why.
Probably not included in "How to make friends and influence people".

 

[mfb]

Which job has the most casual uniform?

Spoiler

Pilots, they wear plane clothes.

 

[Ibix]

How many red jerseys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three! The first dies from the short circuit he causes while trying. The second dies falling off the ladder, and the third does the job. But he wore a blue jersey.

I read a short story years ago about a redshirt who's noticed what happens to redshirts and flat refuses to leave the ship until he's given a blue shirt. He's so pleased with it that it isn't until the transporter is being activated that he realizes Spock is wearing red and all his mates are in blue...

Babylon 5 straight up made a joke out of it in the TV series itself. The security insignia was a bullseye, and all the security troops wore it prominently on the left breast of their uniform. And the security chief was called Garibaldi - named after Giuseppe Garibaldi, an Italian leader whose volunteers did actually wear red shirts.

 

[jack action]

 

[256bits]

View attachment 251399​

Are we sure the 1080p has the correct number of "p"?

 

[Ibix]

Are we sure the 1080p has the correct number of "p"?

Good spot - there are 22 rows of 47 plus the final row, which should be length 46 (since 23×47=1081) but clearly isn't.

 

[mfb]

Good spot - there are 22 rows of 47 plus the final row, which should be length 46 (since 23×47=1081) but clearly isn't.

That is not 0k.

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

Did you hear about the successful band leader who murdered someone? He got the chair, but wouldn't die. Turns out he was a good conductor.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

My dog was born without a nose.
How does he smell?
Horrible!

 

[Sofa]

"Could you remind me what the Japanese particle for possessives is?"
"の"
"Why not?"

Also:
A nation's navy employs mermaids to distract personnel of an invading force. They grant the nation time to evacuate civilians from coastal cities and towns. These are the Civil Defense Sirens.

 

[WWGD]

"Could you remind me what the Japanese particle for possessives is?"
"の"
"Why not?"

Also:
A nation's navy employs mermaids to distract personnel of an invading force. They grant the nation time to evacuate civilians from coastal cities and towns. These are the Civil Defense Sirens.

Sofa so good.

 

[Sofa]

I don't like eating meats like liver, intestine, or other internal organs. They're offal.

 

[DrGreg]

My dog was born without a nose.
How does he smell?
Horrible!

I call my dog "Isiah" because one eye's higher than the other.

 

[WWGD]

I call my dog "Isiah" because one eye's higher than the other.

Isiahn example of it daily.

 

[fresh_42]

"This tofu is already a bit dry."

"That's the grill lighter!"

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.