Collection of Lame Jokes

[dandirom]

Genie :D

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I have an idea to solve the Pluto debate.

Blow up Pluto.

 

[Frankly]

While on a grueling march through the desert during Napoleons Egyptian campaign, the troops water supplies ran out, and thirst began to set in. After two days without water, and with Napoleon refusing to turn back, the men had had enough and mutiny broke out. After a brief skirmish with his personal guards, the great Napoleon found himself surrounded by his own troops, a ring of bayonet tips inches from his face. Just when it seemed all was lost, a rain drop landed on Napoleons nose, then another, and another, and then a deluge erupted. The men were silent, all that could be heard was the sound of the rain drumming on their hats. Napoleon was saved, the men had water at last. Napoleon threw his hat in the air and cried 'Its raining, men! Hallelujah! Its raining, men!'

 

[micromass]

Now, I know that mathematical texts are hard for the beginner. This is why I will present here some basic terminology that math books like to use:

1) It can be proven...

This may take upwards of a year, and no shorter than four hours, and may require something like 5 reams of scratch paper, 100 pencils, or 100 refills (For those who use mechanical pencils). If you are only an undergraduate, you need not bother attempting the proof as it will be impossible for you.

2) It can be shown...

Usually this would take the teacher about one hour of blackboard work, so he/she avoids doing it. Another possibility of course is that the instructor doesn't understand the proof himself/herself.

3) It is obvious...

Only to PhD's who specialize in that field, or to instructors who have taught the course 100 times.

4) It is easily derived...

Meaning that the teacher figures that even the student could derive it. The dedicated student who wishes to do this will waste the next weekend in the attempt. Also possible that the teacher read this somewhere, and wants to sound like he/she really has it together.

5) It is obvious...

Only to the Author of the textbook, or Carl Gauss. More likely only Carl Gauss. Last time I saw this was as a step in a proof of Fermat's last theorem.

6) The proof is beyond the scope of this text.

Obviously this is a plot. The reader will never find any text with the proof in it. The Proof doesn't exist. The theorem just turned out to be usefull to the author.

7) The proof is left up to the reader.

...sure let us do all the work. Does the author think that we have nothing better to do than sit around with THEIR textbook, and do the work that THEY should have done?

8) Sample Proof: . . .

4.7 At this point we assume that x is an element of the set S, and therefore...We know this according to L. Krueger[pg. 71]


Question...has anyone ever bothered to see if these type of references exist. Come on...we all know what happens when we are writing a freshman english composition and run out of sources...how better to prove your thesis with a little blurb from some obscure, and nonexistant source9) HINT:...

The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.

10) The diligent student can show...

It is an unsolved problem - probably harder than Fermat's Last Theorem.

 

[Lancelot59]

I remember when 3.11 was the eagerly awaited upgrade.

I still have an ancient laptop that runs windows 3.12.

 

[IMP]

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

 

[micromass]

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

1 millionth of a mass?

 

[Borek]

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

And not 4?

That's almost half of Beijing.

 

[IMP]

1 millionth of a mass?

Micromass of course!

 

[jtbell]

10^-12 ghost = 1 picoboo

9 x 10^-9 musical instruments = 1 nanononet

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

3) It is obvious...

The professor writes the next equation on the board and says "This step is trivial." One of the students raises their hand and asks "Are you sure?" The professor stands in front of the board, lost in thought for about ten minutes. Then turns to the student and says "Yes, it's trivial."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

1 millionth of a greeting?

 

[micromass]

1 millionth of a greeting?

A microwave!

 

[jtbell]

9 x 10^-9 musical instruments = 1 nanononet

If only Luigi Nono had written one...

 

[QuarkCharmer]

If only Luigi Nono had written one...

If it wasn't limited to musical instruments you could say it's equal to 1 nanonona

"It can be proven...", and the conversions are the best things I have read all day. Thanks

Also:

10^9 Giants = 1 Gigagigas's

 

[AlephZero]

"Forestry commision to axe 250 posts in England".
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-13540428

I thought they used chainsaws not axes these days

 

[AlephZero]

If only Luigi Nono had written one...

Sounds more like a Ligeti joke to me. I guess http://www.artnotart.com/fluxus/gligeti-poemesymphonique.html lasts for 0.1 kiloticks.

 

[drizzle]

A microwave!

I believe it's a nanowave, micromass.

Opps! I somehow read it 1 billionth of a greeting. Ghah, I need to sleep

 

[jtbell]

Sounds more like a Ligeti joke to me. I guess http://www.artnotart.com/fluxus/gligeti-poemesymphonique.html lasts for 0.1 kiloticks.

Would you believe I actually have a recording of that piece? Or that there's a whole slew of YouTube videos?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-mEKnWU19s

 

[AlephZero]

Would you believe I actually have a recording of that piece? Or that there's a whole slew of YouTube videos?

Why would I disbelieve it? He was first class practical joker, as well as having some of his stuff hijacked for film soundtracks like Kubrick's "2001".

Another Ligeti story was an early performance of his organ work "Volumina", which at one point requires the performer to press down and hold as many notes as possible, using all available body parts. This exceeded the design capability of the organ's blowing system, which caught fire. Nobody panicked. The audience thought that smoke pouring out of every orrifice of the pipe organ was just part of the performance.

 

[HeLiXe]

 

[HeLiXe]

These crackpot cartoons are killing me LOLOL

 

[MartinJH]

As requested, I apologise for not posting here. I'll get the hang of this forum one day :D.A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What you going to do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."_______________________________________________A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar you irritating bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[drizzle]

 

[dkotschessaa]

Did you hear the one about the statistician?

 

[drizzle]

Yes!

 

[dkotschessaa]

lol. The answer I was expecting was "probably." But that'll do.

 

[Isaacsname]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

 

[DaveC426913]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

subtle...

 

[dkotschessaa]

 

[drizzle]

Hahaaa... Hmm, tan²x + 1 = 1/cos²x...

 

[drizzle]

An experimental physicist visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old... Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

 

[Lancelot59]

Hahaaa... Hmm, tan²x + 1 = 1/cos²x...

Uh...yeah. That's creepy.

 

[Borek]

An experimental physicist visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old... Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

This joke is 2 billions and 40 years old.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

This joke is 2 billions and 40 years old.